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Woah! Kenneth Branagh to Direct Thor?

Clap! Clap! Clap! Your Hands! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 29, 2008 | Comments (44)

You know what Thor is, right? He’s one of the Marvel comic guys, who — along with Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America, etc., will ultimately be part of the The Avengers. But before Thor can be part of The Avengers, he needs his own stand-alone film. Thor is based on the Norse God — he was the God of Thunder — and his power is the ability to run around and scare little kids and sheepish dogs with really loud noises. It’s a lot more useful than you think — just think about it. Supervillians have families, too — and supervillians can hardly cause a lot of chaos if they’re stuck at home taking care of their inconsolable children and pets. Loki is considerably less daunting when he’s got a three-year old attached to his leg, you know.

Where was I? Oh yes: The Thor move. Well, they’ve got a screenwriter, Mark Protosevich, who wrote the scripts for The Cell, Poseidon, and I Am Legend. It’s an origins story, tracking Thor’s realization of his powers (it started during a standing O at a Stones concert). And now, Kenneth Branagh — of all people — is in negotiations to direct. Kenneth Branagh is awesome, if you want a director for a Shakespeare adaptation. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I love Marvel’s move toward getting more cerebral actors and directors for their action films (see, e.g., Robert Downey, Jr. and Ed Norton), but Branagh? I think that’s going a little far. Have you seen Branagh’s Hamlet? There was a freakin’ intermission. At the movie theater, which was great, really. It gave me a chance to sneak into a different theater. Branagh? This egghead thing has gone too far. Maybe they’ll cast William Hurt as Thor.


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Comments

By Odin, I proclaim thee a blasphemer! My Lord Branagh shall do Asgard proud in his most deft crafting of Thor's moving picture.

Posted by: Lucas at September 29, 2008 5:09 PM

Wow! Professor Gilderoy Lockhart really HAS lost his memory.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 29, 2008 5:13 PM

I agree on Branagh being a bad choice. I didn't care for his version of Frankenstein; it was too frenetic and I just wanted it to end. I get a feeling of smug self-love from him and his movies.

Didn't he also do Henry V? I fell asleep during that one.

Posted by: Brie at September 29, 2008 5:15 PM

I mean, don't get me wrong: I love Marvel's move toward getting more cerebral actors and directors for their action films (see, e.g., Robert Downey, Jr.

Uh...are you sure about that? RD Jr. said he didn't "get" The Dark Knight and went on a rant about it. That doesn't strike me as particularly 'cerebral.' Don't get me wrong; great actor, but 'cerebral'?

Posted by: vic at September 29, 2008 5:23 PM

So does this mean Thor will be played by Branagh? I mean, has he ever cast any one other than himself as the lead? Also: I'd suspect Loki gets more creepy with his kids around actually, since his kids were a wolf a serpent and a fucking zombie.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 29, 2008 5:24 PM

My dog's name is Thor.
He's a miniature dachshund.

Posted by: Kash at September 29, 2008 5:24 PM

I don't think Branagh would treat Thor the same as he'd treat Shakespeare. He's a great director! I say, thumbs up.

Posted by: Ginger at September 29, 2008 5:24 PM

Lemme clear the air, here:

Henry V was Branagh's ONLY good movie.

I've seen all his Shakespeare movies, and all the other ones sucked to a greater or lesser degree. Re-watch them if you don't believe me.

I've also watched some of his other crap (e.g. The Gingerbread Man) and it ranged from meh to gah. His Frankenstein was horrible and a waste of DeNiro.

Kenneth Branagh's involvement in a project is nothing to get excited about AT ALL.

Okay?

Posted by: Jerce at September 29, 2008 5:25 PM

I SAY THEE YEA!

Posted by: Andre at September 29, 2008 5:35 PM

The only way I'd watch Thor is if they got Vincent D'Onofrio reprise his role from Adventures in Babysitting.


...and Elisabeth Shue played the female lead. Naked. The whole film. Naked as a jaybird. A lot of slow motion with soft focus and the "twinkle" filter. Naked. As in totally nude. With no clothes...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 29, 2008 5:50 PM

I think Robert Downey Jr. felt he didn't understand the hype. It still is a comic book movie. Let's not proclaim it the best movie of all time (IMDB!).

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 29, 2008 6:07 PM

Me thinks me smells another Ang Lee's HULK TURD.

Posted by: Case at September 29, 2008 6:07 PM

Skit, while I wouldn't require the nudity, I approve of where you're coming from. Heartily.

I want JP Hookhand back too.

"Whoa" was misspelled.

William Hurt as Thor would rival the magnificent infuckingsanity of David Ogden Stiers as J'onn J'onzz, except much.......much.........sleepier.

Posted by: Jay at September 29, 2008 6:39 PM

Why do I care about Thor again?

Oh yeah. We have to wait for this before we can get to the fucking Avengers movie. well, I suppose if they stick to the early rumors of landing Brad Pitt, I'll be sold (but if McCona-gay is Captain America, I'll shit on a studio executive's face).

Posted by: Audiosuede at September 29, 2008 6:46 PM

Iron Man, hell yeah! Thor, meh.

Posted by: Pookie at September 29, 2008 6:46 PM

In my dreams, Walt Simonson writes the script for this. The reality will probably be closer to a nightmare.

Posted by: Todd at September 29, 2008 6:51 PM

When I first heard about this, I thought Branagh (I always want to hock a loogie when I saw that name) was slate to star I was slightly relieved to discover this was not the case, although he does have a thing for casting himself as the titular character in movies he directs...

Posted by: Macafee at September 29, 2008 6:53 PM

Hey, Thor has a fucking awesome hammer that he smashes shit with, too.

Yeah.

Posted by: Seany D at September 29, 2008 7:06 PM

"Henry V was Branagh's ONLY good movie."

Wait a minute. Are you forgetting "Peter's Friends"? Granted he practically played himself in it, but it was a great film and he was perfect in the role of ex-pat with one big hit not quite making it in Hollywood.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 29, 2008 7:13 PM

<obligatory comment about over-cerebral Branagh snoozefests>

<obligatory comment about the precarious nature of casting this one>

<obligatory comment about how, as a confused high schooler, Branagh's Henry V helped me discover the glories of Christian Bale, and therefore indirectly my own sexuality>

<obligatory final bit of snark.>

Posted by: jeem at September 29, 2008 7:23 PM

*kneels respectfully*


THOR! mighty lord of thunder.

*bangs hammer on floor*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 29, 2008 7:23 PM

Branagh cast Keanu Reeves as Don John in Much Ado About Nothing.

He cast Alicia Silverstone as the Princess of France in Love's Labor's Lost.

Think about that.

Now these are considered comedies, and I certainly don't think every performance of Shakespeare has to be period-authentic and full of itself...but I'd never even considered MST3K'ing Shakespeare before. These were hilariously bad choices.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 29, 2008 7:24 PM

My penis is named is Thor. You might be thinking, "Sabrina? That doesn't sound like a man's name." I am not a pre-op transsexual. I whittled my penis out of the finest mahogany wood four years ago. His main power is being detachable and incredibly large, but funnily enough, he also is able to run around and scare little kids and sheepish dogs with really loud noises. He fists inside my magical Mary Poopins-like carpet bag.

For these reasons, and these reasons alone, I shall be dragging my freshman year roommate to see this movie, where we will laugh and giggle whnever anybody says the name Thor. Teehee, penis!

Posted by: Sabrina at September 29, 2008 7:41 PM

I guess I'm still drunk from this weekend, but I do like the accidental imagery of my penis fisting people inside of Mary Poopin's bag.

Posted by: Sabrina at September 29, 2008 7:44 PM

but I'd never even considered MST3K'ing Shakespeare before.

Have you not seen them watching Maximillian Schell's "Hamlet" with Ricardo Montalban dubbing the German Claudius?

Posted by: Jay at September 29, 2008 7:46 PM

Are you forgetting "Peter's Friends"?

I had, indeed, forgotten all about it, and I wish I could smack you for reminding me of its existence. That one is at the "gah" end of the Branagh Scale of Suckitude.

Posted by: Jerce at September 29, 2008 7:52 PM

Posted by: Sabrina at September 29, 2008 7:41 PM


*stares in disbelief*

That might be the classiest post...ever.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 29, 2008 7:54 PM

That might be the classiest post...ever.

Wow, thanks. And to think, I didn't even mention his addiction to anal rape.

Posted by: Sabrina at September 29, 2008 8:43 PM

Ye gods.

Let the Aesir come down from Asgard for the premiere. The fanboys will make it look like a Minnesota Vikings pep rally.

Posted by: The Wanderer at September 29, 2008 8:59 PM

My most memorable Branagh-related moment would be when Blackadder traveled back in time and kicked Will Shakespeare for the five hour uncut version of Branagh's Hamlet.

Posted by: JS at September 29, 2008 10:34 PM

I'll agree with you on D'Onofrio Skittster, since that was a point I forgot to make. Do you think he ever watches that movie and mourns at how badly he's let himself go? Or do you think it's more of a blacked out area where if forced to remember he'd probably just kill himself then and there?

Posted by: Kash at September 30, 2008 12:10 AM

I just don't know how to take this news. This movie could be anything. Matthew Vaughan was a nice choice, too bad they didn't go with that one.

But Branagh? What could possibly appeal Branagh, apart from the shitload of money they're going to give them? The stupid Shakespearean dialogue from the comic books? Is he going to make it even more annoying?

And of course he's going to cast himself. Too old for Thor? Big deal, he'll cast himself as ODIN and find a way to get more screen time and kick more ass than the guy with the huge fucking hammer.

For the record, I haven't watched Henry the V. Should I? I recently watched the long version of Hamlet and it was... something.

Posted by: JC at September 30, 2008 2:01 AM

Thors are fit wicked. Never mind the animated Avengers (Ultimate) that was nicely watchable...I know a norse girl Thor who had open heart surgery at age 27...my buddy's stitches loosened post operation and they broke open her chest and stuck a thumb in with fifteen seconds to spare. Once she was out, she did full time school, a full time job and two businesses all at once. She got a full sleeve tattoo of my norse goddess design on her arm before the surgery because she was a little afraid of needles.

She's having a boy child in about four months...possible complications be damned. Just wanted to tell you how much she rocks. Look for stormy weather early next year.

Posted by: replica at September 30, 2008 3:49 AM

A little story:

when I was 8 or 9 I was obsessed with Thor. Someone had given me Edith Hamilton's Mythology book and I devoured it over the course of my summer vacation. I would run around the beach yelling "I am THOR!" in the crashing waves. It was fun.

My dad (who is known as Inappropriate Dad to all my friends - I love him) told me that he had a joke to tell me about Thor, but I would have to wait until I was 18.

I think he hoped I would forget.

I didn't. Like I said, I am kind of an obsessive tart. Each year on September 3, I would ask, "can you PLEASE tell me the Thor joke? PLEASE?" The answer was always "no."

The morning of my 18th birthday, I jumped out of bed and (before the requisite coffee drinky-poo) demanded:

"I am 18; tell me the Thor joke." He had to relent.

Here is the world's worst joke, especially after a 10 year wait:

Thor is a man on the prowl. He's come down to Earth to get his swerve on. He spies a hot piece of ass and decides that's his lucky lady. They meet; she obviously falls for him 'cause he's the man. They fuck and fuck and fuck until the morning. Thor is the first to wake up. He goes to the balcony (duh, they're at one of those fancy Jennifer Aniston hotels), throws the french doors open and yells, "I AM THOR!"

From the bedroom, he hears: "You think YOU'RE thor..."


hahahahahaah. Jesus Christ, I waited 10 years for that shit; it totally ruined my 18th birthday.

(in case you're wondering - yes, that's pretty much how my dad told it to me, but with more 90's slang instead of the aughts slang).

That is why I love/hate all things Thor and will probably watch this film and get that same empty feeling...

sigh

Posted by: Estelle at September 30, 2008 7:50 AM

Hasn't anyone here seen Branagh's Dead Again? Granted, that's the first movie I ever saw him in (and he directed it) so it's been a downward slope since then. But still -- Dead Again is a good movie.

Posted by: JH at September 30, 2008 8:54 AM

"but I'd never even considered MST3K'ing Shakespeare before."

Rent "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." One of the subtitles available is "English for people who hate this movie." It's all lines from Shakespear's Henry V, and they match up with the Python dialog. It's sort of a reverse MST3K. Somebody put a lot of effort into it.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 30, 2008 9:41 AM

All you haters need to step off. Granted, I was awfully surprised by this when I heard about it last night, and judging from some of his latest Shakespeare it's not a good sign. (We don't talk about As You Like It. And I myself gave up on Frankenstein around the scene where he wrestled with a naked DeNiro in amniotic fluid for 20 minutes or so.)

Watch Sleuth. That's all I'm saying. Watch Sleuth. The man's back on his game and swinging for the fences, or whatever the cricket equivalent of that is. It's his best movie since Dead Again.

Posted by: Sarah at September 30, 2008 10:03 AM

Hey Estelle! Can you tell that joke again with the 90's slang. I think at this point, it might be funnier.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 30, 2008 10:18 AM

I seem to recall reading at some point that Fabio was going to play Thor.

Posted by: slip at September 30, 2008 11:00 AM

Sarah, alas, there's no exact cricket translation of "swinging for the fences". If I may create unholy mutant sports metaphors, though:

Branagh has been swinging for the fences in his recent work, but he's also been leg-before-wicket with his casting choices. If "Thor" has good material, though, then maybe it'll make it out of the scrum for a touchdown.

Posted by: jeem at September 30, 2008 11:45 AM

Aaaahhhhh SLEUTH. Right on, Sarah.

Posted by: Ginger at September 30, 2008 1:01 PM

Alls I'm saying is that William Hurt is stellar. that is all.

Posted by: Just Amanda at September 30, 2008 2:14 PM

Estelle - there's a tasteless tagline at the end of the joke - I'm afraid you cut off dear old Dad a bit too soon. In the version I heard it was a random Valkyrie after a night of Asgardian debauchery who said, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!" Happy Birfday!

Posted by: Sanity Clause at September 30, 2008 2:42 PM

Thor is basically Superman, but without all the bullshit midwest "my Pa's dead!" Methodist angst-wankery. He doesn't hesitate to take care of shit cuz he's a fuckin' DIETY who ain't afraid to get his kill or his fuck on when necessary. Love it.

Branagh better not fuck this up.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 30, 2008 2:52 PM





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