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Oh, Grasshopper!

What Have You Done Now? / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | December 10, 2008 | Comments (45)

Keanu Reeves is gonna star as an 18th Century Samurai swordsmen in 47 Ronin.

Is there anything else you need to know? Doesn’t that about say it all? Keanu Reeves. Samurai swordsmen. 18th century. You can already picture the trailer, can’t you? Oh wait: Let me add some context, to allow you to better see it in your mind’s eye. It’s inspired by a true story. Reeves Samurai swordsmen will be among many who set out to avenge their master’s death. The movie will incorporate fantasy elements, like you’d see in the LOTR trilogy, with “gritty” battle scenes like you’d see in Gladiator.

Why does this make sense? Because Reeves is half Asian, of course. Duh! He’s perfect for the role!

I think a reader, Todd, who alerted me to this deal, said it best:

“I killed myself just so I could roll around in my own grave.”

Chris Morgan, who co-wrote Wanted and penned The Fast and the Furious, will handle the scripting duties. The score, presumably, will be provided by DogStar. And I guess the only remaining question is whether it’ll be beard Keanu or clean-shaven, fresh-faced Keanu.


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Comments

Trained in the deadly art of woahshu, and wielding a woahkizashi, no doubt.

Posted by: Rykker at December 10, 2008 9:39 AM

I want to just post a picture of Munch's "The Scream" in here because that's pretty much how I feel.

Posted by: twig at December 10, 2008 9:40 AM

Why does this make sense? Because Reeves is half Asian, of course. Duh! He's perfect for the role!

Because there aren't 47 all Asian actors in Hollywood to do this movie?

Posted by: Ava at December 10, 2008 9:40 AM

Whoashu, and whoakizashi, even.

Posted by: Rykker at December 10, 2008 9:40 AM

I like Keanu Reeves.

You heard me!

FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK EVERYTHING!

Posted by: mightygodking at December 10, 2008 9:41 AM

*sigh*

Posted by: lizzieborden at December 10, 2008 9:47 AM

Wonderful.
I think it's safe to say that, knowing Keanu's distinct...
...Can I call it 'acting' style? No?
We'll call it Fwashwalomping.
So, given Keanu Reeves' distinct Fwashwalomping style, I think it's pretty safe to say we can cut and paste most of his lines from every other movie he's ever done, photoshop samurai into the background, and call it a day.

Posted by: JesseNeon at December 10, 2008 9:47 AM

Wonderful.
I think it's safe to say that, knowing Keanu's distinct...
...Can I call it 'acting' style? No?
We'll call it Fwashwalomping.
That's perfect, because it sounds like the noise you'd make if you were throwing up your soul.
So, given Keanu Reeves' distinct Fwashwalomping style, I think it's pretty safe to say we can cut and paste most of his lines from every other movie he's ever done, photoshop samurai into the background, and call it a day.

Posted by: JesseNeon at December 10, 2008 9:48 AM

*Note to self: Add 'double posting' to the list of reasons Mac sucks dick.

Posted by: JesseNeon at December 10, 2008 9:49 AM

Oh, holy crap! I completely forgot about Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho on the random list of gay roles thread. Keanu has a pass for life from me for that one. Was his acting terrible? Yes. Was he undeniably pretty? Heck yes. Was the giant black and white poster of Keanu and River riding together on a motorcycle/scooter hanging in my dorm room? Yes yes yes!

Posted by: idgiepug at December 10, 2008 9:50 AM

Don't forget that Keanu is 50% responsible for creating a future utopian world for us where bowling scores are way up and mini-golf scores are way down. It's also a place where we get to be re-united with George Carlin.

Posted by: branded at December 10, 2008 9:53 AM

"I know... kung fu."

Posted by: Lou at December 10, 2008 9:56 AM

I had that poster too. But in my apartment.

Posted by: anikitty at December 10, 2008 9:56 AM

It's also a place where reunited isn't hyphenated. Blech.

Posted by: branded at December 10, 2008 9:58 AM

Ooooh!!!!! Fun!!! Let's play Obvious Script, shall we? I'm taking a shot at the third act:

Keanu gets ready to leave his love interest after a passionate tryst. She leans on her elbow and watches him.

Love Interst in an 18th Century Leather Skirt: Why are you doing this?

Keanu the Samurai: It's who I am.

Love Interst in an 18th Century Leather Skirt: Why can't you live a normal life with me?

Keanu the Samurai: Because... I'm a Samurai.

He rides over a hill while Love Interst in an 18th Century Leather Skirt watches on, her eyes kinda squinting to show just how affected he is. But she understands his plight.

Later, in the big fight scene.

Keanu fights the bad guy and kills him, but he's badly hurt. He coughs blood while his enemies watch him with reverence, having a newfound respect for him. Suddenly, Love Interst in an 18th Century Leather Skirt appears out of nowhere and rests Keanu's head on her lap. She's doing the hard-breathing crying, and she's squinting again. Like, really squinting. Keanu's half-Asian eyes focus on her.

Keanu the Samurai: You... you *cough* you were the only one who... made me feel like a normal man...

He dies. Girl screams. Warriors stare... finally one steps forward and raises his sword to the Heavens and goes "AAAAAARRRRRRRHHhh!" The other warriors do the same and they stomp their feet. Because Keanu was, like, all Samurai and full of honor and shit.

A lame-ass voice over says something obvious and possibly narrates what we just saw. We see a flashback of Keanu as a child using a twig as a sword.

The End.

Metallica inexplicably sings over the credits.

Posted by: Sofía at December 10, 2008 10:05 AM

*sigh*

Poor Keanu! Maybe he doesn't know any better...

Posted by: Trouble at December 10, 2008 10:13 AM

What do you mean "inexplicably"? Isn't "Wherever I May Roam" just asking to be paired with a ronin story?

You can start the movie with "Turn The Page" (yes of course the original, no one else can sing that song, particularly not Bob Seger of today)!

Posted by: Jay at December 10, 2008 10:14 AM

Sofia - going completely off topic for a sec. Saw this this morning on Salon's Broadsheet and thought of you: "third-wave feminism...[i]t's about individuality, freedom and personal agency." Sounds a lot like someone we know. :)

Posted by: tamatha at December 10, 2008 10:21 AM

I think I love you, Sofía.

Posted by: Rykker at December 10, 2008 10:21 AM

And I thought slicing my own belly open would be incredibly painful. But you know, when you're really motivated, it's not so bad!

Posted by: Todd at December 10, 2008 10:22 AM

tamatha, I knew that definition, but I think (please correct me if I'm wrong) Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan over at Jezebel.com identifies herself as a third-waver, and, well... I don't relate to her AT ALL. I see individuality, freedom and personal agency as part of being a human being, and not something strictly female.

Oh, man... are we starting this thing again?

Seriously, though. Thanks for thinking of me. *emo tear*

Posted by: Sofía at December 10, 2008 10:29 AM

Rykker, so what are you so afraid of?

Posted by: Sean at December 10, 2008 10:43 AM

I have inexplicably endless forbearance for Reeves. Maybe it's because he lost a child, maybe it's because he's gorgeous, I don't know. I just can't hate on him.

Posted by: samantha t at December 10, 2008 10:47 AM

Sean, I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for.

Posted by: Rykker at December 10, 2008 11:04 AM

At least it's more of a stretch than his current opening as Klaatu.

Let's see, stilted, emotionless, alien. Check!

Posted by: Drake at December 10, 2008 11:31 AM

I have suddenly realized that River Phoenix and Leaf Phoenix are two different people, despite the fact that one's been dead for years. I've just now realized that Leaf Phoenix and Joaquin Phoenix are the same person. I've just now realized that River, Leaf and Joaquin are not Keanu Reeves. Will you stupid Hollywood types quit naming your kids weird shit I can't keep straight?

Punchline, I have a weird first name that nobody ever gets right, either. Sigh.

Leaf and Joaquin are the same person?! Oh, shit: My mind just blew out of the back of my skull. Why had I never realized that, myself? I just thought that Leaf had disappeared. Like Rain. -- DR

Posted by: BWeaves at December 10, 2008 11:32 AM

But, Rykker, love is the ultimate cure for everything! Except herpes. In fact, you'll probably get herpes from love. Or BarbadoSlim.

Posted by: Sofía at December 10, 2008 11:35 AM

Wait? There's a Rain Phoenix?

Thank Godtopus for Wikipedia:

Rain Phoenix has four siblings: two brothers, actors Joaquin and the late River Phoenix, and two sisters, Summer and Liberty.

Phoenix was born Rain Joan of Arc Bottom.

Bottom? Their last name is really Bottom?

Suddenly I have a lot of "in my pants" jokes popping into my head.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 10, 2008 11:50 AM

Rain Phoenix has four siblings: two brothers, actors Joaquin and the late River Phoenix, and two sisters, Summer and Liberty.

Phoenix was born Rain Joan of Arc Bottom.

Though these are all admirable attempts, as always Frank Zappa still wins the weird kid name game with Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. But ditto to what Dustin said, BWeaves.

Posted by: branded at December 10, 2008 11:59 AM

Because the internet is the kind of magical place that grants us the freedom to do the kind of things that would probably get me kicked in the privates on suspicion of intolerable creepiness in real life, I'm going to go ahead and second Rykker's tentative declaration of love for Sofia.

That said, Sofia, if the movie does turn out to be as cliché as you suggests, I'm going to have to go ahead and assume that you actually wrote it - and then the honeymoon is over!

Posted by: Dill The Devil at December 10, 2008 12:01 PM

Who else just wants to go and randomly change their name? I have couple pretty cool ones, if you don't want Rhyme then Lyon is rather badass to some.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 10, 2008 12:03 PM

Well, Sofía, I've lived this long without getting herpes from love. And, no, I definitely won't be getting BarbadoSlim from love.
Homey don't play dat.

Posted by: Rykker at December 10, 2008 12:05 PM

I believe Rain had a band or duo or something with River. Aleka's Attic? I think that's close. She sang on "Monster".

Posted by: Jay at December 10, 2008 12:51 PM

pfffffffffffffft..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 10, 2008 1:01 PM

oh, and

whoa..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 10, 2008 1:02 PM

So...Keanu the Fwashwalomper is remaking The Last Samurai or some weird shit like that? Just to get in touch with his Asian side? Dude, you're also Canadian - go make a hockey movie first. In fact, why don't you go play the role of Jacques Plante and do a heartwarming, tearjerking, tooth-removing exploration about the great goalie's decision to finally, FINALLY invent the goalie mask? It's a win-win! The world gets to learn about the greatest sport of all time, horror fans get to see the the origin and evolution of a great disguise, and Keanu haters get to see him take 100mi/h pucks to the face! What's not to like?

Besides, unless he promises to get his character painfully and explicitly killed off, I already saw this movie with Tom Cruise in it and wanted my money back from it too. Kids, there's a reason you shouldn't pirate movies - no refunds!

Posted by: lordhelmet at December 10, 2008 1:29 PM

I might be wrong, but I'm remembering Neo doing a hockey movie...

TO IMDB!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 10, 2008 4:27 PM

Oh, my God - I just went online and realized that Keanu lost a child and the mother of his child got killed in a car accident a year or so later.

Posted by: samantha t at December 10, 2008 4:42 PM

I like 99% of the work he's done, how many actors can say they've been in an iconic film? Well he's been in THREE! Bill & Ted/Point Break/Matrix. He's unassuming, doesn't go around acting like a douche.


Bashing on him is just like bashing on Seth McFarlane ...douchebaggery fueled "metooism"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 10, 2008 4:54 PM

I don't so much hate Keanu as find him even more wooden than Nic Cage, who could make a tree look lively. What I'm getting at is the apparent recycling of a similar plot theme and how an "understated" (read: wooden) actor such as Keanu is unlikely to bring anything new to the table to make me want to see it.

Well called, Slim, he was indeed in Youngbloods, as a junior league hockey player. And seeing as he played in goal in real life, he might be able to make Plante's story interesting.

Posted by: lordhelmet at December 10, 2008 5:07 PM

I like Reeves, too mightygodking, et al.

Posted by: Nadha at December 10, 2008 5:07 PM

There is 1 good thing about this, if they are true to the story it means he dies at the end of the film

Posted by: ikalvan at December 10, 2008 6:10 PM

Just a small correction via wikipedia - 1/4 asian. His estranged father was 'American of Hawaiian-Chinese descent.'

Posted by: Lydia at December 10, 2008 11:54 PM

If Keanu's in it, it's almost a guarantee for me the money I paid to watch the movie isn't a waste. The same cannot be said for Nic Cage (NEXT. Gimme back my money).

So, whatever he's in, I'll be there.

Posted by: Lucy at December 11, 2008 12:25 AM

to everyone who is criticizing keanu's acting ability -> if it's so easy, how about you auditioning and doing a better job!?!
yeah, that's right - didn't think you would/could.
i'm not saying that he's the most amazing actor that ever was, but before you go criticizing someone's job performance, perhaps you should look at yourself and see how qualified you are to make that type of judgement, i doubt that keanu reeves would feel that he'd be qualified to step in and evaluate YOUR job performance.
and before you whip out your flame thrower - i'm not saying that you're not entitled to you opinion as to whether you LIKE him and the roles he's done - you are definitely entitled to your opinion...and so is everyone else.

Posted by: eochai at December 14, 2008 11:34 PM