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An Enemy Deserves No Mercy

By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (21)

Karate_Kid_Jaden_Smith_Trailer.jpg

So they’ve released yet another trailer for Will Smith’s kid to show off his Lil’ Bow Wow do and Last Airbender abs. Hey, when I was his age, I loved karate too. Used to go to the malls to do demonstrations at the Food Court, breaking boards and fake sparring. But I never made a goddamn film out of the fragmented souls of a classic.

Once again, they take a brand name, four winks from the original material, and make something new and souped up. What made the first Karate Kid awesome was Pat Morita. Miyagi wasn’t unfurling some sort of ancient scroll — not until the dreadful toy drums of the second one, Karate Kid 2: The Search for More Money. Miyagi’s karate was common sense, hard work, self defense. Also, Daniel never really learned karate, per se. I mean, his skill wasn’t based on being some sort of Jean Claude Van Damme getting pulled into a split by ropes or some shit. His super finishing move was doing the crane kick on a crippled leg. He wasn’t a ninja, he was a fucking Valley kid.

Watch the trailer below. I don’t know what the fuck that is, but it sure as shit ain’t the Karate Kid. Jackie Chan and his shifty goatee make him look about one barbecue away from ending up like Freddy Krueger. You learn karate to protect yourself from guys who look like him, waiting around playgrounds with popsicles and panel vans. And I’ll admit I got a sick chuckle when he was replacing the wax on/wax off with taking off his clothing. Jacket off! Jacket off! Now get into my van. And apparently, they’re training young Jaden to fight like Kung Fu Panda. He’s dangling from docks by bamboo poles and doing vertical kicks. I don’t like it, sir. I don’t.

And you think you can quell folks like me by throwing the little coda with flies and chopsticks and “You’re the Best?” Think again. At least they didn’t try to have Chan ape Miyagi’s awesome pidgin rhetoric. The original almost won Morita an Oscar. This’ll sweep the Kids Choice Awards. Oh, Ralph Macchio, you must be spinning in your shallow, autoerotic asphyxiated grave.









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Comments

Godtopusdammit, Prisco, mind your own damn business. Now you've blown my cover.

*gets out of van, drops Popsicles in trash*

Nosy motherfucker.

Posted by: , at February 24, 2010 10:17 AM

Well, it looks better than anything else Jackie Chan has done (in the US, anyway)in the last 7 or 8 years.

Admittedly, that's not saying a hell of a lot.

Posted by: TK at February 24, 2010 10:20 AM

It's a really good thing everyone in China speaks English.
I laughed my way through that one. And not a gut busting laugh. A holy crap that is awkward and awful laugh.

Posted by: Nimue at February 24, 2010 10:24 AM

Good to see that they're still blatantly ignoring that kung fu and karate are not in any way the same thing.

Posted by: branded at February 24, 2010 10:38 AM

I can totally see this being the Karate Kid for the new generation. However, I'm still with the people who think this should be named the Kung Fu Kid.

By the way, when he says, "That's nasty." Did anyone else think they were actually looking and listening to Will Smith? Because I did.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 24, 2010 10:44 AM

Well... it doesn't look unwatchable. I might rent it.
Though, it really should be called "The Kung-Fu Kid."

Everything is kung-fu... except for the name of the film.

Dumbass Hollywood execs.

Posted by: Rykker at February 24, 2010 10:54 AM

I never thought I'd say it but, I want Ralph Macchio and his stellar acting back. There wasn't one thing that Jada Pinkettspawn did that didn't seem totally awkward. Also, he's doing Kung-fu, not Karate. Or maybe it's Judo. I don't know, they all look alike.

Posted by: admin at February 24, 2010 10:56 AM

dammit. put up the LOST recap. i can't take anymore of this depressing crap.

Posted by: gem at February 24, 2010 11:00 AM

Those Asian kids look really fucking mean. If I were them I'd be looking into a law suit against Hollywood and the Smith family for racial stereotyping.

Wait, Ralph died?

Posted by: Xtreme at February 24, 2010 11:41 AM

No, Ralph isn't dead.

He actually had a really good story arc on "Ugly Betty," just recently. He played Hilda's politician boyfriend. He got dumped for Adam Rodriguez of "CSI: Miami" fame.

Posted by: kilmo at February 24, 2010 11:46 AM

Lame. I will, however, still wear my Cobra Kai t-shirt (Sweep the leg!) with pride.

Posted by: Mattfactor at February 24, 2010 12:16 PM

Isn't that kid a little young for the obligatory love subplot?

And the part where the mean kids try to beat up Jackie Chan looks stupid, too. (Well, I mean obviously the whole thing looks stupid, but you get what I'm saying.) Those are NOT very big kids, and they decide, sure, let's try to beat up a grown man! No way that could backfire on us!

Posted by: Todd at February 24, 2010 12:25 PM

Kid looks like he's going to take a giant shit in that photo.

Aaaaaaaaaaand we just watched the entire movie in the trailer. And while it doesn't look as ridiculous as I thought it would, shouldn't it be called The Kung-Fu Kid? I'm so confused.

About the only thing that seems decent about it is that it's set in China.

Posted by: figgy at February 24, 2010 12:46 PM

Dreadful toy drums?! Cmon now, those toy drums are ICONIC!

Posted by: Corey at February 24, 2010 1:15 PM

The best part about the drums is that they don't come out until Ralphie's been beaten to a pulp. " Well, we could help him, but let's let him get beat around a little more. We all enjoy watching that." They should just keep changing the martial art and person for every sequal.

The Kung Fu Kid
The Parkour Housewife
The Sumo John Gosslein

etc.

Posted by: mrcreosote at February 24, 2010 7:04 PM

Fuck Will Smith AND his fucking kid AND his Bulldyke wife. HEaaauyLL YEAH

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 24, 2010 9:42 PM

I love Jackie Chan, but I don't like seeing him as an old man. And I know he isn't that old, but he's nowhere near as spry as he used to be and I don't want to believe that can happen to someone so awesome. I mean, if Jackie Chan can't Stepladder Fu old age to death, how can anyone ever hope to escape its clutches?

I feel like, if they're just going to lump all Asian martial arts into 'karate', they could have gone with Tony Jaa teaching Lil' Will how to murder people with his elbows while on fire.

Posted by: James at February 24, 2010 10:38 PM

mrcreosote, I would TOTALLY watch The Parkour Housewife. Bring it!

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Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2010 1:51 AM

I think this is a really clever idea for a remake and I think it looks well put together. The twist that it's in China rather than Japan is nice too. The idea is that the kid already knows some bad Karate and that's why he is "the Karate Kid". Kirate comes from KungFu originally anyway which is probably why Jackie Chan says "lets teach you some proper KungFu", it's not that they writers didn't realise KungFu is different! I think it's odd to say that remakes shouldn't be made. Remakes have always been valid especially when the original has dated a little. It's not like this is remaking a masterpeice. This isn't some horrendous mistake like Get Carter with Sly Stallone. This is well cast and looks well put together and I for one am gonna go see it at the cinema.

Posted by: Carey at March 5, 2010 10:05 AM

I do agree about the whole movie in the trailer thing though. Seriously pisses me off. People must want themn to be like that though or they wouldn't do it. You quite often get whole clips of the movie available with the trailers now. I just don't understand it.

Posted by: Carey at March 5, 2010 10:22 AM