Karate Kid Remake

We Did It All for the Glory of Loooooove

Also, Money. Scads and Scads of Money / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 12, 2008 | Comments (55)

Holy Shit! Can you believe it’s actually almost been 25 years since the original Karate Kid movie? That means that Ralph Machio is, like, 60, right? It also explains why I liked Karate Kid as much as I did, grasshopper. I was 9. I also liked “Dukes of Hazzard,” and El DeBarge. Nine year olds would make terrible critics. 1984 was a great year for movies, though: Ghostbusters, Footloose, Beverly Hills Cop …. Oh, God! You Devil. Well, the 25-year-old bell will soon toll, so a remake is mandatory (see Footloose) unless you’re still working on sequels (see, Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop). Ha ha! You know what else came in out 1984? Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

Anyway, so, yeah: It’s official. They’re remaking Karate Kid. The plot will mirror the first movie, only this one will be set largely in Beijing. I have no idea why. Jaden Smith will star. That’s the devil spawn of Will Smith. He’s 10 years old, which is only 13 years younger than Ralph Macchio when he made Karate Kid. Can a 10-year-old even muster the strength to inflict pain? Ten-year olds are still part cartilage, right? What’s the leg sweep gonna do? What about the illegal jabs to the hector? A ten-year old would barely blink. This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. Why don’t they just remake Top Gun and get Jaden to play Maverick? Or cast him as Mickey Rourke’s character in 9 ½ Weeks? God, I hate Hollywood.

I cannot believe they’re going to turn Karate Kid into a goddamn kid’s movie.

Well, at least 1984’s Gremlins hasn’t been remade yet. Shhhhhh.

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Comments

He's only 10? He can just barely wax off.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2008 9:23 AM

becks,

My monitor is pissed. It doesn't like coffee.

Posted by: Ed Newman at November 12, 2008 9:31 AM

Once the sequel for Ghostbusters is done maybe they'll do Wee Ghostbusters. They'll have been sucked into some sort of time portal created by the love child of Sigourney Weaver and the Stay Pufft Marshmallow Man, similar to Dawn's effect on the universe before they realized that Buffy had the same blood and all that crap. I digress. Wee Ghostbusters will be like, the bastard half-son of Baby Geniuses and TMNT. Plus talking animals a la Doctor Dolittle, none of that Homeward Bound nonsense where they don't even move their mouths.

Posted by: Kash at November 12, 2008 9:32 AM

Remake Fever = Rich people/studios with money to spend, but no original ideas to support moneyed projects.

Artistic incest is a term that comes to mind; this is the stunted offspring of these all-too-close relationships in fantasyland, aka, Hollywood.

Posted by: Recondite at November 12, 2008 9:34 AM

Shut it Down! *Whistle Blows* *Optimus Punches Out*. Nobodies gonna be topping that comment any time soon, Becks. I'll just sit here and objectify women as I eat my lunch on his suspended beam. "Hey, Youse With The Legs! C'mooon!"

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 12, 2008 9:35 AM

Shit! Freudian Slip! THIS beam. Not HIS. Pay No Attention to the Rampant Homosexuality! Damn! My reputation is ruined! Who will hire an enterprising young wordsmith in this economy! I'll be out on the street!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 12, 2008 9:38 AM

So, you wanna put both "The Glory of Love" and also Ted Wasson's songs from "Oh God..." in my head.

Buuuut it wasn't like my workday started out magically delicious either, so I suppose it's just gonna be like that today.

Also: BOOOOOOOOOO.

Also: be careful not to mention "Sixteen Candles".

Aw, shit! Sorry.

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 9:39 AM

10-year-olds make up for it by fighting dirtier than anyone. Expect innumerable sucker punches and kicks to the 'nads.

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 12, 2008 9:45 AM

Is Elisabeth Shue is going to play his mother as well?

I was fifteen when this came out, it was a great date movie because of the romantic angle with the still baby-fat carrying Shue.

This can only mean that Ferris will be remade at some time in Oakland.

Posted by: richmac at November 12, 2008 9:47 AM

becks,

I just... wow. You... And I.. I just had such hope for maybe one day, one day, reaching Top Ten status again someday and then you just...

Wow.

I applaud your brilliance and realize that between you and Rhyme sitting on some guy's beam, I'll never have that chance. You becks, are a true inspiration to us all. Dammit.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 12, 2008 9:55 AM

if Becks doesn't make top comment status this week then I will be forced to re-issue my threat to burn Utica to the ground.

Posted by: dylanj at November 12, 2008 10:03 AM

Ugh - that Smith kid is terrible. The Pursuit of Happyness was unbearable enough, but he made it even worse.

Posted by: samantha t at November 12, 2008 10:04 AM

I just saw Ralph Macchio at the Chiller Theater con a couple of weeks ago. He looks pretty good for an old man. He seemed nice, taking pictures with people and everything. I'd still bang him.

True story.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at November 12, 2008 10:06 AM

P.S. That was hot, becks.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at November 12, 2008 10:07 AM

"Well, at least 1984's Gremlins hasn't been remade yet"

It'll happen. And you know it!

Posted by: Arthur Dent at November 12, 2008 10:14 AM

So who the fuck is going to play Miyagi...Masa Oki?!

Posted by: Mike R. at November 12, 2008 10:16 AM

So who the fuck is going to play Miyagi...Masa Oki?!

Eddie Murphy in a fat suit with lots of makeup.

Posted by: branded at November 12, 2008 10:18 AM

He was only 13 in the Karate Kid?! Wow, to my young eyes he was so much older.

Posted by: Carrie at November 12, 2008 10:26 AM

This is retarded. The only reason Macchio worked as the lead was because it wasn't hard to imagine that a scrappy Italian from Jersey trained by a master could beat the piss out of some blonde assholes who learned their shit from a karate school in O.C.

But a (presumably wisecracking) ten-year-old using freshly-learned karate to kick the asses of people who learn Kung Fu as soon as they can hold chopsticks? Is assinine.

Also, an AMERICAN kid in fucking CHINA learning a JAPANESE martial art is WRONGWRONGWRONG.

Hate.

Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 12, 2008 10:36 AM

No, Dustin was saying that Ralph Macchio was 23 at the time.

He's 47, he's not old.

WRONGWRONGWRONG

Gedde Watanabe suffered so this kind of thing wouldn't have to happen anymore. But alas!

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 10:49 AM

So who the fuck is going to play Miyagi...Masa Oki?!

Eddie Murphy in a fat suit with lots of makeup.

Posted by: branded

DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT! You know they'll hear you... And then it'll happen. Just like Fraggle Rock.

The sad thing is... We know he'll totally do it. And he'll play every other Asian character, about a forth of the women, and any and all other characters that could be considered a caricature of a stereotype.

This movie is going to piss on my childhood.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 12, 2008 10:56 AM

Also, since it's now its silver anniversary, when the hell's someone gonna remake "Wham! Rap"?

D!H!S!S!

Two can play at this earbug game.

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 10:58 AM

What about the soundtrack? Will it be hip-hop? And what about the love story? Will "the old wise man" part be filled by a twenty year-old?

Fuck Hollywood. Fuck them with a sandpaper condom up their stupid, greedy asses.

Posted by: Almost Graduate Sofía at November 12, 2008 11:01 AM

I can only hope that the public will once again reach deep and do the right thing, by sending a message NOT going to see this crap.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR FUCKING KID, Not So Fresh Prince.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 12, 2008 11:19 AM

It's just The Karate Kid, y'all. Nothing to get all het up about. Your childhood memories have been raped so many times, it's more like marital rape at this point: you hate it, but it no longer surprises you.

Give your inner nine-year-old a lollipop and a pat on the head and tell him not to worry so much, he'll always be able to dream of Ralph Machio.

Posted by: Wednesday at November 12, 2008 11:24 AM

OK here's what else is wrong.

Does anyone else get that ad to the right "How I lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks"? Do you see anything wrong with the before and after?

Not only did she lose 12 lbs, but also went thru a pigment cleansing just like Michael Jackson.

Posted by: wsapnin at November 12, 2008 11:29 AM

wsapnin, weirdly enough, I saw that ad first on "FAILblog." I took a screen cap of it and titled it ad:Fail meta: win.

But now I keep seeing it every where and it keeps weirding me out. Do crappy internet ads not have copy checkers?

Posted by: Kayanne at November 12, 2008 11:38 AM

And that ad was on Failblog last week...right next to an Ad Fail.

It was an unsettling, cosmic moment.

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 11:39 AM

Look, I'm getting another headache that's probably gonna last all day just like yesterday, so I'm a few seconds slow, alright? Be nice, it's Thanksgiving, fuck!

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 11:42 AM

"He's 47, he's not old." (Sorry, I don't do HTML.)

Thank you.That's very close to my age, and I appreciate the "not old" comment.

I'd do him, too. I like mature men.

Posted by: rlr260 at November 12, 2008 11:45 AM

It's just The Karate Kid, y'all. Nothing to get all het up about. Your childhood memories have been raped so many times, it's more like marital rape at this point: you hate it, but it no longer surprises you.

That's precisely the defeatist attitude they want us to have! No means NO!! I swear, if one more movie studio whispers to me, "Shhh, baby. Just lay back, close your eyes and let this happen; it'll be over before you know it," so help me I will go motherfucking medieval postal all up on their shit!

And, yeah. That's the laziest damn advert I've ever seen.

Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 12, 2008 11:48 AM

Most welcome, but are you also in an anarcho-syndicalist commune?

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 11:59 AM

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(deep inhale)oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Posted by: kb at November 12, 2008 12:20 PM

Took me a minute to get that one, Becks. As the Pixies once said- I'm Amazed.

Also, I thank my training in epic Gen-Y apathy for sparing me pain about this. It'll be easy to ignore. The original is $5 in the bin at the discount resale DVD shop, and all's well.

Posted by: Beatific Barf at November 12, 2008 12:28 PM

I'm sorry, maybe I hadn't heard about some of this from under my rock of academic bullshit and stress. But I'm here now and I'm pissed.

WHAT IS THE POINT? Why are there all these remakes? What is there about Karate Kid that needs remaking? Or Footloose? I can't believe that one. That shit won't even work outside of the 80s, frankly.

I'm so depressed now.

Posted by: Sharon at November 12, 2008 12:51 PM

"...but are you also in an anarcho-syndicalist commune?..."

Hmmmmmm...Syndicalist Anarchists ...mmmmm

Your ideas, your newsletter etc...

ASAP

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 12, 2008 12:54 PM

Oh wow, thank guys. I think I am now officially the most overlauded person on this site, sorry Kevin Smith. Soon Prisco will positively review my comment and there will be angry backlash.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2008 1:04 PM

He's only 10? He can just barely wax off.

I must have been an early developer. I was waxing off and on two or three times a day at that age.

Posted by: Snath at November 12, 2008 1:15 PM

Soon Prisco will positively review my comment and there will be angry backlash.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2008 1:04 PM

Sad but true, becks. I wouldn't get my hopes up about positivity from Prisco, either. Prisco does not respond well to nominations or perceived peer pressure -- probably because he doesn't consider any of us commenting vermin to be peers...

Posted by: Che Grovera at November 12, 2008 1:35 PM

See, this is the point where I close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and sing "LA LA LA LA" to myself until the bad pictures in my head fade away. Then I go and play with my Holly Hobbie tea set and serve imaginary crumpets to Raggedy Ann and Teddy Ruxpin.

Posted by: Nicole at November 12, 2008 1:43 PM

Oh great, now I'm gonna have to pretend that its an honor just to be nominated.

Posted by: becks at November 12, 2008 1:43 PM

Will Smith's kid is adorable. Do I wanna see him doing karate? No. Do ten year old girls want to see him doing karate? Hell to the yes.

Don't even put a "Gremlins" remake out in the world for some jackass to get some boneheaded idea.

Posted by: NotBlonde at November 12, 2008 2:42 PM

Don't make me get out my violin, becksy!

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 3:39 PM

Just read off the teleprompter and you'll be fine. But remember: when the music starts, fight through it for a few seconds then just thank anybody you forgot and get the fuck off the stage. We've got 9 more comments to got through and I ain't got all day.

Posted by: the_wakeful at November 12, 2008 4:02 PM

That would be to *get* through. Godtopus it's only Wednesday afternoon, and already I can't type straight.

Posted by: the_wakeful at November 12, 2008 4:04 PM

Anybody remember Tum Tum from 3 Ninjas? Little chubby ninja boy who ate licorice and kicked bad guys in the nuts...?

Imagine that for 2 hours.

Genius. Let's start production.

Posted by: Beauregard at November 12, 2008 5:24 PM

I guess that since the Willspawn is starring the film will produce a new Will Smith "song-like substance" that may or may not appear in the film... so in deference to those of us who are having our childhoods gang-raped by hollywood, could we at least get a Will Smith-Peter Satera duet that Peter writes? Cause if you are going to rape my past, at least do me the courtesy of playing music that I vaguely remember making me happy so I can get over the pain.

Posted by: Dr Lothar at November 12, 2008 5:46 PM

Whatever happened to Ralph Macchio?

I watched this the other day while I was half asleep and I thought the whole damn thing was freakin' ridiculous and adorable. I wanted to hug this movie and take Ralph Macchio home and feed him. He was the cutest thing ever.

And the shower stall Halloween costume? Hilaaaaarious. CRANE KICK HAY-YAAAA! THERE IS NO DEFENSE!

Posted by: figgy at November 12, 2008 6:34 PM

I'm excited about the remake. Maybe it will turn a predicable, boring into something either really good, or actively bad. Regardless, I will not see it, the same way I don't see movies that look bad (like the Goonies).

I don't see why people get so pissed off about this, they're not destroying the original, they're not making you watch the new one. Karate Kid is a movie that can't be enjoyed unironically by anyone born after, like, 1975 anyway, so just deal with it, old man.

Posted by: NewWavePolly at November 12, 2008 8:41 PM

Ah, thanks for the Gremlins mention. My little nephews (ages 7,6, and 3.5) have not seen this and I am so looking forward to scaring the bejeezus out of them soon when they sleep over at our house. I remember buying some of those 'toss em in water and they grow' things after Gremlins came out. I got so freaked out by the slimy things that appeared my mom had to toss em. Ah, the 80's, good times.

Posted by: beautifulgirl at November 12, 2008 8:56 PM

Does Dustin have students now? I almost fell for that! I mean, first you call out my specific age, and then insult The Goonies with professed ignorance...

Madam, I'd say you want my goat. You shall not have it!

Posted by: Jay at November 13, 2008 6:17 AM

OK here's what else is wrong.

Does anyone else get that ad to the right "How I lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks"? Do you see anything wrong with the before and after?

Not only did she lose 12 lbs, but also went thru a pigment cleansing just like Michael Jackson.

Posted by: wsapnin at November 12, 2008 11:29 AM

I'll see you, and raise you one BUCK NAKED PAM ANDERSON LINK THAT GOES TO A CHICKEN SLAUGHTERHOUSE!! WTF!!! I know she's kinda old and busted, but I don't care. I see a picture of a nekkid(ish) woman with a link, I just have this urge to click it. I swear I'm scarred now. I'll have performance anxiety next time Pam gives me a booty call.

Posted by: Dapper at November 13, 2008 10:43 AM

And why don't we feed Hollywood something more Pajiba? Like, maybe, a new James Bond flick/possible remake: Godtopussy. If they're gonna make crap anyway, maybe we can scare up some royalties for Pajiba.com...

Also, Can you believe Meet the Feebles isn't available through Netflix? Just seems so shortsighted...

Posted by: Dapper at November 13, 2008 10:49 AM

10-year-olds make up for it by fighting dirtier than anyone. Expect innumerable sucker punches and kicks to the 'nads.

And since nobody's going to read this anyway, as I'm the thread killer (or maybe just late), I'd like to thank bucdaddy for putting that apostraphe in front of " 'nads". Bravo. Good grammar is so hard to come by...

Posted by: Dapper at November 13, 2008 11:50 AM

Just what we need. I will never see this. Next thing that I'll know is that Ashley Tisdale will be in a China Syndrome remake; DON'T DO A REMAKE OF THAT ONE!

Posted by: Josh at January 11, 2009 2:24 AM

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