Justin Bieber Looking To Remake Fear. In a Related Story, I'm Looking to Punch Justin Bieber in the Chest Repeatedly

By Courtney Enlow | Trade News | January 24, 2012 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Trade News | January 24, 2012 |

Yes, rumor has it that, in an effort to show what a badass bad boy he truly is--I mean, look at this hardcore hoodrat punk motherfucker right here--Justin Bieber wants to follow in the imaginary terrorist beating footsteps of Mark Wahlberg. And if that means strapping himself into a rollercoaster and digitally blasting one less lonely girl into the orbit of endless bliss, so be it.

There are bad movies you love ironically. There are bad movies you love in spite of their inherent badness. Then there are movies that people refer to as "bad" that you yourself are mentally incapable of understanding what is so bad about it. Fear is like that. People think it's bad. I think those people eat paste, because Fear is the tits. And it does not deserve the stink of Justin Bieber's Someday eau de Ulta-value-pack all over it.

I want you to take a moment, and I want you to imagine this scene as performed by this young boychild. I'll wait.

Now, even better, try it with this one.

You've just added yourself to several watchlists. Wiiiiiiilld horses.

Of course, these are but rumors. Hopefully, baseless, stupid rumors. But, if by some terrible miracle this comes true, look forward to a PG-13 version of Fear in which nothing remotely sexual happens, no dogs are beheaded and Amy Brenneman's luxurious curls are nowhere to be seen. Thanks a lot, Hollywood. Nicole 4 eva.

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