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Justin Bieber Looking To Remake Fear. In a Related Story, I'm Looking to Punch Justin Bieber in the Chest Repeatedly

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (35)

fearletmein.jpg

In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t really get too upset about remake talk. I tend to fall into the category of “no one will actually care about this remake, and it doesn’t affect my love for the original.” Hell, even when rumors began swirling about a Harvey remake with Robert Downey, Jr., I thought, “you know, that might even be decent.” Given most remake announcements, I am at worst disinterested, at best mildly optimistic.

That is not the case with this news, the news that Justin Bieber might just be draping his luscious hair all over the 1996 Mark Wahlberg-Reese Witherspoon opus, Fear.

Yes, rumor has it that, in an effort to show what a badass bad boy he truly is—I mean, look at this hardcore hoodrat punk motherfucker right here—Justin Bieber wants to follow in the imaginary terrorist beating footsteps of Mark Wahlberg. And if that means strapping himself into a rollercoaster and digitally blasting one less lonely girl into the orbit of endless bliss, so be it.

There are bad movies you love ironically. There are bad movies you love in spite of their inherent badness. Then there are movies that people refer to as “bad” that you yourself are mentally incapable of understanding what is so bad about it. Fear is like that. People think it’s bad. I think those people eat paste, because Fear is the tits. And it does not deserve the stink of Justin Bieber’s Someday eau de Ulta-value-pack all over it.

I want you to take a moment, and I want you to imagine this scene as performed by this young boychild. I’ll wait.

Now, even better, try it with this one.

You’ve just added yourself to several watchlists. Wiiiiiiilld horses.

Of course, these are but rumors. Hopefully, baseless, stupid rumors. But, if by some terrible miracle this comes true, look forward to a PG-13 version of Fear in which nothing remotely sexual happens, no dogs are beheaded and Amy Brenneman’s luxurious curls are nowhere to be seen. Thanks a lot, Hollywood. Nicole 4 eva.










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Comments

he is obviously not a badass, and there is certainly no evidence of any acting ability, but i don't understand why everybody always gets their panties in a twist about him seeming young. who cares if he looks young and has a high voice and sings about being in love at fifteen?

Posted by: the chaplain at January 24, 2012 2:08 PM

Wiiiiiild horses, should have stomped in his faace....

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 24, 2012 2:12 PM

We get our "panties in a twist" because he looks like Hillary Swank's Junior Chipmunk little sister, and wants everyone to think he's a badass. When we see him preening and strutting and NOT PULLING UP HIS GODDAMN PANTS, we don't just want to yell that the Emperor isn't wearing clothes, we want to yank him out of his carriage and beat some sense into him. And PULL UP HIS GODDAMN PANTS.

Posted by: Craig at January 24, 2012 2:17 PM

I'm sorry, what?

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2012 2:19 PM

Only of they change the title from Fear to Mild Disconcertment.

Posted by: branded at January 24, 2012 2:25 PM

I always forget that fingering scene on the roller coaster. Then I watch it again and am amazed and how hot that scene actually is.

I wish I had gotten fingered on a roller coaster as a teenager.

Hand job...

I mean I wish I had gotten a hand job on a roller coaster as a teenager.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 24, 2012 2:29 PM

Fucking Canada ruins everything!

Posted by: admin at January 24, 2012 2:33 PM

The only thing I'll be in Fear of is wetting myself in hysterical laughter.

No...no... I correct myself,

I Fear other Pajibans will shoot the champion marlins in this barrel before I get my shotgun out.

No...no..I take that back,

I Fear that we'll look back on the beef jerky that was the original and suddenly see it as cinematic Filet Mignon.

Posted by: bleujayone at January 24, 2012 2:41 PM

Fear not only has psycho Marky Mark (is there any other kind?) and fresh-faced Reese Witherspoon, it has slutty Alyssa Milano. And for that, I love it.

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2012 2:44 PM

After jumping to YouTube as instructed, I yet again scrolled down to the comments section, even though I know better. That place really is the asshole of the Internet.

Posted by: ZombieMedic at January 24, 2012 2:49 PM

Justin Bieber will finally get to show off all that hard work he's been putting in with Selena Gomez for the finger banging scene.

Posted by: haplo at January 24, 2012 2:49 PM

I loved Fear. I loved every moment of it. Marky Mark, Reece and Alyssa. Perfect. Justin Bieber.... just no.

Posted by: sarah at January 24, 2012 2:50 PM

Your vitriol, it soothes me, Courtney.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 24, 2012 3:01 PM

Whoa, admin. Don't try and blame this on us. We want even less to do with him than you do. In fact, it's all part of our plot to keep the US from ruining Baby Goose.

It's hoped that the Bieber Bamboozle will be more successful than the Dion Deception. The latter worked for a while but you still managed to ruin Mike Myers.

Posted by: Bert at January 24, 2012 3:08 PM

Man I forgot how hot Marky Mark used to be.

@haplo -- The only finger-banging going on between Bieber and Selena Gomez is when she pokes his balls trying to make them drop. Or when he gives her a good ol' Wet Willy.

Posted by: Donut Plains at January 24, 2012 3:08 PM

Bert, that statement smacks of Canadian trickery.

You try and act like you're all not evil, and we know y'all are just bacon flavored Bond villains, stroking white cats and sipping maple syrup.

"Noooo, Mr. Beiber, I expect you to ACT!"

Posted by: ZombieMedic at January 24, 2012 3:12 PM

I always forget that fingering scene on the roller coaster. Then I watch it again and am amazed and how hot that scene actually is.

I NEVER forget that scene, it's so hot. It's the first and only place my mind goes when this movie is mentioned. Or even when it's not; like, my buddy says, "My mom thinks I have a fear of commitment," and I'm thinkin', "Mmmm, yeah... Reese on the roller coaster."

Posted by: Todd at January 24, 2012 3:29 PM

Is it so wrong that I too want to punch justin beaver.... only in the face....

Posted by: Archies_Leach at January 24, 2012 3:31 PM

White cats? Nay, ZombieMedic. We al have lap mooses.

Posted by: admin at January 24, 2012 3:52 PM

He is planning on playing the Reese role, right?

Posted by: Drake at January 24, 2012 4:06 PM

This gets me almost as mad as the much-delayed (thank you, GODTOPUS) MAGNUM P.I. remake...

Posted by: VonnegutSlut at January 24, 2012 4:21 PM

Maybe they'll put a new spin on the scene for the remake and have the girl fingerbang him on the roller coaster.

Posted by: Craig at January 24, 2012 4:24 PM

The terrible thing is that justin beaver didn't get to spend some quality time alone with jerry sandusky before sandusky got revealed.

Posted by: Archies_Leach at January 24, 2012 4:32 PM

"Maybe they'll put a new spin on the scene for the remake and have the girl fingerbang him on the roller coaster."


- Okay, I'm confused. Are they remaking "Fear" or "Boys Don't Cry"?

Posted by: bleujayone at January 24, 2012 4:36 PM

Wow. Child sex abuse jokes. That's really awesome.

Posted by: Ghisent at January 24, 2012 4:37 PM

@Donut Plains Excellente!

Posted by: haplo at January 24, 2012 4:54 PM

*checks calendar* Nope, not April 1st.

American Cinema, ladies and gentlemen.

Posted by: Nugs at January 24, 2012 5:12 PM

my buddy's sister-in-law makes $81 hourly on the computer. She hasbeen fired for 9 monthsbut last month her check was $9032 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read more on this site... LazyCash10.com

Posted by: pagecharl at January 24, 2012 7:59 PM

He's going to be 18 in a little over a month, Ghisent.

Which, at 17, makes him legal in at least 30 states.

And fuck you for making me go look up his age.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 24, 2012 8:02 PM

Justin was ok in CSI. I mean low expectations and all, he's still a pretty convincing villain.
He's always welcome to remake The Happening. Mark showed fine acting skills on that one. "No ma'am we're not...What?!?...Noooo!"

Posted by: Adrien at January 24, 2012 8:12 PM

That's because your buddy's sister-in-law is a whore, pagecharl.

Posted by: Bert at January 25, 2012 11:48 AM

You may have misread or there may, in fact, be two actual remakes in the works (been known to happen.) The remake I heard about had ">this guy as the newest badass:

Posted by: Johnnyboy at January 26, 2012 1:02 AM

Posted by: Justin Bieber at January 31, 2012 5:35 AM

If you think that Justin is cute now take a look at this PDF http://www.thepdfportal.com/So_you_think_Justin_Bieber_is_cute_now_2.pdf Now that's cute!

Posted by: Justin Bieber at January 31, 2012 9:03 AM

I am a fan of Justin Bieber, he's that nice!

Posted by: Delaine Hemann at February 10, 2012 6:37 PM