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There’s Something About Farting Dogs

Man, I Wish There Weren’t / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 29, 2008 | Comments (55)

Hey y’all! Remember the Farrelly brothers? Remember how they used to be funny, or at least they were kind of funny to you because you were 16, and a guy getting his brain caught in a zipper or two guys stuck together by their own frozen snot was a goddamn laugh riot? And then, remember how they kept making the same movie over and over, except for Outside Providence, which was actually really good, and what the hell happened to them? They took the same formula and kept amping it up, until — last year — they were making a film where a woman’s pubic hair parted like the Red Sea while she urinated on Ben Stiller.

Good times.

Anyway, the Farrelly brothers, attempting to take a leak on the shark while jumping it, inadvertently fell into its jaws and came out with an idea to direct a movie starring the Jonas Brothers. You know the Jonas Brothers, right? A trio of teenagers cloned from discarded Clearasil swabs and buffed, daily, to within an inch of their lives with the chin of a goat and the foreskin of 100 virgins. They’re like Hanson filtered through the monotone of Ben Stein and stripped of anything remotely resembling personality. Tweenagers, inexplicably, want to give them their flower, only they’re saving their man-love for themselves.

Anyway, that Jonas Brothers flick directed by the Farrelly brothers will be based on a bestselling series of novels from William Kotzwinkle and Glen Murray called Walter the Farting Dog.

You think I’m making that up, don’t you? Well, fuck you: We don’t make up things here on Pajiba. And even if we did, who’d have the imagination to put Walter the Farting Dog, the Jonas Brothers, and the Farrelly brothers together? Nobody, that’s who.

Here’s the logline: “The title character in the ‘Walter’ books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away. While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.”

I hope the Murdertank has a full tank, and a lot of weaponry — the skin of a Jonas Brother deflects bullets, you know.


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Comments

At least with Hanson it was obvious who the cute one was.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 9:17 AM

Could you imagine being publicly known as a virgin for all your teen years? They flaunt the idea. I kinda feel bad for them. It's one thing for everyone to assume you were a virgin (just because you like movies that other people have never heard of or because you listen to The Cure or because that one time you laughed too hard at a Chemistry professors joke and farted a little.) But to have the fact publicly broadcast is just child cruelty. Either get them some or shut up about it.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 29, 2008 9:28 AM

Look at them. I know the teen years aren't kind to most of us, but just look at them. You think they have a choice about retaining their virginity? They're just trying to spin a problem into a feature.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 29, 2008 9:37 AM

At least with Hanson it was obvious who the cute one was.

becks this is true, but on behalf of the Hanson brothers I'd like to point out that all of them have grown up preeeetty nicely. And between the three of them they have like... thirty kids or something. So, I think they're doing ok.

But I hate the Jonas Brothers. They're worse than lame. They're bland and awful and somehow manage to be marketed as heart throbs. Fuck you teen America, the "Jo Bros" do not make anything within me throb. Find someone hot and do your lusting a favor. Tiger Beat is tired of printing obnoxious AND ugly.

But on that note, this movie cannot fail. It will make a ridiculous amount of money and the Farrelly Brothers will win a whole new fan base and the Jonas Brothers will "accidentally" loose their promise rings in all that money they'll be swimming in. Oh, and then they'll piss on a well-made, well-written, well-acted movie just to rub it in. In a twist of fate one of the brothers will end up dating the best (looking) actress from said movie they trounced upon; the poor actress will have no hope but to drown her sorrows in Arbor Mist with the residual checks from the barely-there DVD sells. Also, she'll do Playboy in an attempt to break her good girl image but still keep dating the asshat.

Also, the Jonas Twats will still keep making records.

The future is bleak.

Posted by: Kayanne at October 29, 2008 9:37 AM

"While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves."

Wh... huh? That looks suspiciously like the drunken scrawlings I find scattered about my bedroom every morning...

And now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get a little skeevy here - from a cute standpoint, the JB on the left has that cherubic look about him. If I were a thirteen year old girl with budding nubbins I could see him racing shirtless through my head as I snuck a cuke out of the vegetable crisper. The JB on the right? I suppose if I were a cougar and he was mowing my lawn while hubby was away on business... sure. I'd let him fiddle around my sugar walls. But the one in the middle? Hell. No. He looks like the JB on the left somehow managed to get knocked up by the JB on the right and pooped himself out a full-grown man-boy. He's extraordinarily hairy, yet somehow receding. I'm throwing him on yesterday's list of creepies. Yucky. YEESH!

Posted by: Skitz at October 29, 2008 9:57 AM

I bought the Walter books for my nephew, and he loved them. That gift was a major hit for Auntie Jerce.

Knowing that someone's decided to make them into a movie doesn't faze me that much; it was inevitable. But. But...the Farelley Bros?! And. And...those douchebags, whoever they are? I am very disgusted.

I am just really grateful that I never had children, so I never have to know who those douchebags are, or what, exactly, is meant by a "Promise Ring."

Posted by: Jerce at October 29, 2008 10:01 AM

"Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves."

Wha ... wha? Where am I? What ... what world is this where this is an idea for a movie? Aw, crap, I woke up on Alpha Tweentauri again, didn't I? Damn. This always happens the morning after I hand out Trojans for Halloween. Next year I'll give the little bastards Mad Dog 20/20 instead. Except for Sally next door. Her treat is she gets to visit my Secret Room.

Rowles, I take back what I said in the "Freaky MoFo's" thread about you not giving us any material to work with this week. This thing is comic GOLD, dammit, GOLD, as everyone here is proving. With one post you have redeemed yourself and your entire staff. I hereby declare myself back INTO Eloquent contention, and I'm saving you some time by sending you my address NOW, so you can have my t-shirt in the mail the moment the Top 10 gets posted.

No, no need to thank me. I do what I do for the good of all Humanity.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:02 AM

Chances are the "promise ring" is what they call their ritualistic pre-show circle jerk. Face it ladies, these little shits look like they LOOOVE the cock.

What? You say one of them is "dating" Demi Lovato? One word: "Beard".

Posted by: Mike R. at October 29, 2008 10:06 AM

bestselling series of novels

That's stretching things just a tad, isn't it Rowles? There aren't any facts in this story that need embellishing...

Posted by: Che Grovera at October 29, 2008 10:11 AM

Oh for the love of Godtopus, Skitz, look at that. That we had the exact same thought at the exact same time (yes, it DID take me six minutes to write 10:02) must make us ... Jeebus ... must ...
This is just like "Nights in Rodanthe," isn't it, two lost and troubled souls trapped in the hurricane that is existence on this mortal coil, finding relief and comfort and succor in each other at the Hotel Pajiba ...

What are you doing Tuesdays at noon?

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:12 AM

I've got an opening. You wanna be the peanut butter or the chocolate?

Posted by: Skitz at October 29, 2008 10:14 AM

The real question, bucdaddy, is : which Jonas do you most resemble? That could make or break the deal.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 10:15 AM

I never liked the Farrelly brothers. That said, it's hilarious when my dog farts. It never gets old.

Sometimes he farts when I make him sit and wait for food or to go outside. He gets so tense that one just squeaks out. Sometimes he farts and quickly goes to sniff his butt as if he's confused about what just happened. Sometimes he farts and it scares him so bad that he takes off running into another room. Considering I have no sense of smell, there is nothing that isn't funny about any of the above.

Posted by: ajax19 at October 29, 2008 10:20 AM

I hate those books. The artwork looks stinky and nauseating so it's an all around bad time for your imagination.

Now this.

Look, already my face is kinda puffy along with the bright red remnant of a razor bump. This sweater has never in sixteen years, and will never, fit the way I want it to (though each time I think I won't mind that I look bad), and both of my index fingers have stinging dry air "paper cuts". If my Pandora station wasn't playing "Southpaw" then something really unpleasant might happen.

Have mercy!

Posted by: Jay at October 29, 2008 10:22 AM

God i cant wait till america grows out of its love for pre-fabricated superstars out of the Disney sweat shop . Wait thats never going to end is it ? Well not until a sex tape with a disney exec and a young girl surfaces . Not that i would watch it .... ok maybe i would watch it but purely for investigative purposes .

Posted by: gilp at October 29, 2008 10:22 AM

God i cant wait till america grows out of its love for pre-fabricated superstars out of the Disney sweat shop . Wait thats never going to end is it ? Well not until a sex tape with a disney exec and a young girl surfaces . Not that i would watch it .... ok maybe i would watch it but purely for investigative purposes .

Posted by: gilp at October 29, 2008 10:22 AM

My bad double post . what a fuckin jerk i is .

Posted by: gilp at October 29, 2008 10:25 AM

First and most important dog farts are the fucking worst.

Second I have to admit to usually liking what the Farrelly brothers do. They have a love for life that comes through without being overly reverent about it and I'm a sucker for that. This can't be anything but crap though.

gilp, manufactured pop crap is a worldwide phenomenon. That doesn't let us off the hook or anything, but everyone should realize that if entertainment in other parts of the world seems superior it's because only the cream of the crop can swim upstream through the torrent of media flowing out of this country.

Posted by: Eep at October 29, 2008 10:29 AM

"peanut butter or choc ..." Oh, wait, you thought I meant YOU, didn't you? Haha! No, no. I meant I was going to hum all three Jonas Bros. simultaneously and you were welcome to watch.

AvB, I've rescheduled you for 12:00:19.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:29 AM

This blows my plans of casting the Jonas Brothers in my film "The Triplets Who Menstruate."

Posted by: Sofía at October 29, 2008 10:42 AM

What are you doing Tuesdays at noon?
Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:12 AM

You're... you're replacing me, bucdaddy?

...

Is this because of my disturbing Glover/Gallo admission?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 29, 2008 10:44 AM

"You're ... you're replacing me ...?"

Ah, AvB, my little Trick AND Treat, NO one could replace you. Just a slight delay whilst I relieve the Jonas Bros. of their promise rings. Figger about three seconds a Jonas, 10 seconds to clean up the mess. Actually, I may not have to do anything; once the three peckerheads all come into contact with each other, things should spontaneously take care of themselves.

I wonder if being gay AND incestuous will hurt or boost their careers?

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:54 AM

*Phew* I think I can deal with that. As long as we add that 19 seconds on the end. I don't think it's fair for me to lose that time, do you? Especially not to any of the Jonas Brothers.

Although I'd definitely like to watch.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 29, 2008 10:55 AM

"every generation throws a hero up the pop charts"

In this case it is these douches, but really how much worse is this than Frankie and Annette, Ricky Nelson, Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, Menudo, Hanson, etc, etc, etc?

They very rarely have any talent though they occasionally fall ass-backward into a good tune and ten years later when they've gone paunchy and bloated we wonder what we ever saw in them in the first place. And if they are going to fuck up a movie at least it's one with few prospects for success anyway.

Posted by: Ed Newman at October 29, 2008 11:00 AM

Where in the "Walter" books is there a boy band? I take it that the Jonas Brothel are there to sing a couple of songs and actually have nothing to do with the plot? Which one plays Moondoggy?

Posted by: BWeaves@cfl.rr.com at October 29, 2008 11:05 AM

I'd like to state for the record that I purchased Walter the Farting Dog as well as a stuffed Walter (complete with farting noises!) for my 4 year old nephew. My sister-in-law was not amused.

In other news: Really? Jonas Brothers and a farting dog? I can't wait for the smelly headlines this one makes.

Posted by: Captainmndapnda at October 29, 2008 11:13 AM

I know nothing of these books, so can someone tell me, does the dog talk? Because, after the success of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and the horrible plot description of this movie, I think I might have to give up on American cinema. Because this? Sounds just awful.

Posted by: Melissa at October 29, 2008 11:25 AM

What have we done to anger you o lord. Have mercy on us, just usher the rapture in and end it.

Posted by: George at October 29, 2008 11:26 AM

does the dog talk?

No, but maybe he will now! Get your hopes up! If it's live action but manages to still look like it's taking place on a different, fetid planet I'll be impressed with the craftsmanship at least.

Posted by: Jay at October 29, 2008 11:31 AM

This blows my plans of casting the Jonas Brothers in my film "The Triplets Who Menstruate."

That forced me to actually cover my mouth with my hands so I wouldn't scream with laughter at work. Holy balls Sofia.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2008 12:07 PM

I can't wait to see the results when the Disney Factory finally finishes chewing them up and spits them out. The downfall of Britney and/or Lindsey Lohan, multiplied by three, equals comedy platinum. Better yet, let one of those Ken dolls make it while the other two sink into E! reality show oblivion. There could be no better early Christmas gift...

Posted by: David at October 29, 2008 12:34 PM

What in God's name are 'The Jonas Brothers'?

Posted by: nieve at October 29, 2008 12:43 PM

Can someone please tell me the connection between Pajiba and Jonas Brothers and High School Musical? If we are not doing a retrospective on the deepest hollows of the Skitzbrain or the afternoon musings of Pissboy, I can't imagine why we are discussing such things.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2008 12:55 PM

Yurgh, I wouldn't touch any of those three douchewipes with a ten-foot pole. Probably why no one else will-HEYO!

Cindy...they're all part of Disney's newest plastic-doll making machine? Being all whored out for as long as their teenage "looks" stay, then to be forgotten as they fade into the utter obscurity of coke and heroin binges until E! decides to do a "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" show 20 years from now and finds Vanessa Hudgens working at a Diary Queen to support her 5 (illegitimate) children?

And uh...Pajiba was here first with all the predictions?

Wild guess.

Yurgh I hate them all.

Posted by: figgy at October 29, 2008 3:00 PM

Whats really terrible is that these little vagina gazers (just look don't touch) are going to make this movie a huge box-office success thus perpetuating the quagmire of raw sewage we have to swim through in order to find something worth the time. I wish kids would wake the fuck up and save reasonable adults and humans in general some fucking agony!

FUCK!.....ASS!

Posted by: Admin11 at October 29, 2008 3:56 PM

Sorry *What's*.

I was posting in rage.
Bad place, need rum.

Posted by: Admin11 at October 29, 2008 3:59 PM

And uh...Pajiba was here first with all the predictions?

Nah, these things are a given. Unless Brangelina adopts them all and then they have incestuous babies that go on our freaky but hot list - and Sofia and I come up with random body parts we want to fuck.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2008 4:48 PM

Sofia and me? I always mess that up.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2008 4:49 PM

MMMFart!

True story: When Hanson first came out, I honestly thought they were girls. I was so confused when my female friends started talking about how cute Taylor was. I think this is why the Jonas Brothers decided to prevent anybody from thinking they were hipster lesbians by putting the word "brothers" in their name.

I know their secret, though...

Posted by: Sabrina at October 29, 2008 6:10 PM

Sabrina do you know the secret of their stylist cause that shit is tight!

Really. Pubic hair wigs....Genius!

Posted by: Admin11 at October 29, 2008 7:38 PM

Admin, funny you should ask. I do know their stylist! Cartman. He's extremely coveted in the elite field of pube-wigs.

Posted by: Sabrina at October 29, 2008 8:51 PM

Pamela Anderson's boob looks like it's winning that fight against her in that ad.

What if there were as many Jonas' as there are Hansons? I'm pretty sure that the ones in the band were three of like, seventeen. At least Jonas' Proper don't keep reproducing. Unless it's like that weird Are You Afraid of the Dark episode where the kids in the boarding school were fertilizing the eggs for the weirdos that were making them. Like, there are a bunch of Jonas eggs in a basement somewhere with conveyor belts and everything and people are just nurturing them until they hatch and take over the freaking world. Maybe they can take on the zombies.

Posted by: Kash at October 29, 2008 9:48 PM

ENOUGH with the male-skinny jeans. They only make these "Jonas" Brothers more pre-pubescently freaky.

Heh. "Jonas" as if their names are suspect. I'm feeling weird. I blame the turkey casserole my mom made me for dinner.

Posted by: popejenn at October 30, 2008 1:29 AM

...To be honest, I was fighting into until the part about "liberating a koi fish." Now I might end up renting this movie someday. Damn it! Fucking Farrely brothers, wasting my Netflix account.

Posted by: AudioSuede at October 30, 2008 9:52 AM

Hanson was on Space Ghost, so I forgive them for annoying me all those years ago. Now that Space Ghost isn't on anymore, the Jonas Brothers have no chance.

Posted by: Lucas at October 30, 2008 10:05 AM

YES THEY DO!!!! And Joe Jonas Is HOT!!!!!!

Posted by: Ka'lea at November 12, 2008 9:09 PM

Really you people are freaks!!!

Posted by: Travis at December 8, 2008 8:56 PM

Your the only freak here bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Kelsey at December 8, 2008 8:59 PM

faggot blaster!!

the jonas brothers are wondwerful!
especially marther

Posted by: Hazel Face Travis at December 8, 2008 9:00 PM

Excuse me. This "Marther" you refur to is not one of the "Jonas Brothers". Trust me. . . I'm ginger!!!

Posted by: Ron Weasley at December 8, 2008 9:02 PM

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SWAN LAKE

Love backets miss

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Posted by: love me at December 8, 2008 9:06 PM

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Posted by: love me at December 8, 2008 9:10 PM