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February 5, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | February 5, 2009 |

Yeesh. I am loathe to report this, if only because it comes from a gossip rag, In Touch, although — if Filmdrunk is to be believed — there may be a smidgen of truth to it (note, however, that Filmdrunk is also the movie blog equivalent of a “Yo Momma” joke). Apparently, Johnny Depp and Sean Penn are being considered, in the running for, or otherwise likely to be playing Moe and Larry, respectively, in the Farrelly brothers’ Three Stooges movie.

Let that sink in.

Are you feeling the burn yet? Now, before you get worked up into a sudsy lather and start touching yourself inappropriately (and by inappropriately, I mean: Jabbing an envelope opener into your neck), you should know this first. The Three Stooges movie, at least according to the Farrellys, isn’t a remake or anything. They say it’s going to be a series of modern-day, original shorts thematically linked. But I’m not buying it — you don’t sign up Sean Penn and Johnny Depp to slap the shit out of each other, gouge one another’s eyes out, and Nyuk Nyuk themselves to exhaustion.

No: Here’s my theory. The Three Stooges movie will actually explore the secret lives of Moe, Larry and Curly — the seedy circumstances, the upbringing, and the self-hatred that drove them to find humor in self-abuse. Moe, for instance, was forced to wear a bowl haircut by his parents and, ultimately, was driven to comic masochism as both an outlet for his anger and as a means to compensate for his lack of a sex life. Meanwhile, Larry Fine began his career as a pugilist, but was forced out of the profession by his controlling father. Larry ultimately joined the Stooges vaudeville act because he was in love with Moe — he secretly enjoyed the physical pain Moe inflicted. Curly (who hasn’t been cast yet, but I’m guessing Philly Seymour Hoffman) was a lazy, self-hating douchebag who buried his pain in Hostess pies and cocaine. He only joined the act because it was the only way he could prove to his father that he was worth his love — Curly ultimately dropped out for several years to battle his addiction and obesity. He would suffer from extreme mental deterioration before dying at the age of 52, a sad episode that finally brought Larry and Moe together sexually.

Of course, that’s just a theory. My guess is that, ultimately, they’ll hire Ben Stiller and a couple of knuckleheads and rape the childhoods over everyone over 40. Nyuk Nyuk.

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk / Dustin Rowles

Industry | February 5, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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