Joaquin Phoenix Raps

I Walked the Lizzity-Line. Fo Shizzle.

Can I Get Some Beatbox, Phil? / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | January 16, 2009 | Comments (59)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman has finally decided to direct. He’s just picked up his first project, Jack Goes Boating, based on an Off-Broadway play. Hoffman will play the lead, opposite the fantastic Amy Ryan. It’s billed as an unconventional romantic comedy, one that is full of cooking classes, swimming lessons, and drug use. Hoffman will play a pothead limo driver. Amy Ryan will be playing awesome per usual.

In other, stranger directing news, Casey Affleck will also be making his directorial debut. He’ll be directing a documentary. About Joaquin Phoenix (his brother-in-law). Tracking his new career in music. As a rapper.

I shit you not. In fact, Sean Diddle-My-Ass will be producing Phoenix’s first album, and his first performance as a rapper will take place tonight in Vegas. That’s also where filming for the documentary will begin. Phoenix quit acting late last year.

Joaquin Phoenix. A rapper. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Of course, I still can’t get over the obvious realization that Joaquin Phoenix is the same person as Leaf Phoenix. I have no idea how I missed that transition. Leaf was in Parenthood. Then suddenly, Joaquin was in To Die For. The funny thing is: Joaquin was his birth name. He just changed it to Leaf for a few years cause he felt like it.

Fucking hippies.

Update: TMZ has a cell-phone recording of Joaquin in rapping action. Guh. It’s as bad as you’d imagine.

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Comments

Wait a minute, that's why he quit acting?? I thought maybe he was inspired by his work in Walk the Line, but rap? Excellent. I cannot WAIT to see this train wreck.

Posted by: Melissa at January 16, 2009 11:24 AM

Hey, I want to be a hippie. I don't want to rap, but I might try an aria or two. Call me Root.

Posted by: Cindy at January 16, 2009 11:25 AM

"In fact, Sean Diddle-My-Ass will be producing Phoenix's first album, and his first performance as a rapper will take place tonight in Vegas."

That is just so... WRONG! Like baby sushi, puppie rape, George W. Bush wrong!

Posted by: Pants at January 16, 2009 11:26 AM

Okay then. After several false starts, I believe we can now officially declare the death of rap.
I'm calling it at 10:29 Central Time. Put the paddles away. We're done here.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 16, 2009 11:30 AM

OutPhoekast

Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 11:31 AM

I'm still clinging to the faint hope that this is some huge prank, or some sort of postmodern film thing, and all will be revealed later.

No Joaquin, no!!

Posted by: Carrie at January 16, 2009 11:31 AM

I dunno, pants. Baby Sushi sounds delicious. As we all know, now that a democrat will be back in the white house, there will be a massive spike in abortions. We have to do something with all those aborted babies, and times are tough.

When life gives you fetuses, make baby sushi!

Posted by: Marra at January 16, 2009 11:33 AM

I... I understand what all those words mean... they just don't make any sense.

Someone... hold me.

Posted by: TK at January 16, 2009 11:35 AM

Mwahahaha. Mwahahahahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Posted by: jM at January 16, 2009 11:38 AM

The fuck?

Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 11:39 AM

I find this news delicious, in a purely voyeuristic way. Mainly because I think Joaquin Phoenix is a huge fucking dick.

I hope his first song is about discovering the joys of masturbation as a little dude.

Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 11:40 AM

I can't wait until he battles Kevin Federline.

Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 11:41 AM

Eric B. and Joaquin rockin' the mic?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at January 16, 2009 11:41 AM

HAIRLIP!

Sorry, but that's the first thing I think of when I see Joaquin Phoenix.

Posted by: jimbob at January 16, 2009 11:42 AM

You might have a point Marra, but I'm pretty sure Jerkleave Phoenix rapping is one of the horsemen of the musical Apocalyps...

Posted by: Pants at January 16, 2009 11:43 AM

Or "harelip."

Whatever. Dude has a split lip.

Posted by: jimbob at January 16, 2009 11:44 AM

Hippie hate was so much better back when there were actual hippies to hate.

Now there's just Willie Nelson. And he's awesome.

Try hipsters. Almost the same idea, smaller pants.

Posted by: twig at January 16, 2009 11:45 AM

Twig:

I mostly agree (especially on Mr. Nelson), but there are those neo-hippies who still populate PETA, the ones who any minute now I expect to issue a press release calling for justice for the geese that were viscerated by the US Air flight in New York yesterday.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 16, 2009 11:47 AM

Work has had me otherwise disposed most of this week, but now that I'm here...

You fuckin'?

Posted by: branded at January 16, 2009 11:48 AM

Leaf Phoenix = Joaquin Phoenix = MC Bigg Pretenshun A-Ho

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 16, 2009 11:51 AM

Tracking his new career in music. As a rapper.

BWAHHHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA! HA! ha! ha.
Wait. I just googled it. You're really not fucking kidding. This is...this is...beautiful.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 16, 2009 11:51 AM

YEAH! YESYESYESYESYES! FINALY!

About goddam time I have an artist speaking to me in a language I can understand! WHOOO! Hell yeah, Leafquin! All you haters and Top 40 twats can shove it in your hoo-haw! Phoeionix Cash is gonna raise the roof and freak the squares with some heartfelt FOR REALS rap the way rap was meant to be raped. YOU HEAR ME?! THE WAY RAP WAS MEANT TO BE RAPED!

Posted by: Skitz at January 16, 2009 11:53 AM

*raises roof*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 16, 2009 11:55 AM

PaddyDog

Normally I would agree, but the recent phenomenon of 'sea kittens' has led me to restructure my hypothesis. No one stoned enough to come up with such a phrase could ever have the attention span to find their own feet, let alone lead a movement.

PETA is, in my opinion, comprised entirely of starving hipsters who keep a remnant of the 60's in a cage and occasionally poke him for jargon.

Posted by: twig at January 16, 2009 12:00 PM

But have you seen pictures of him lately?

http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980

This also explains Puffy's presence.

Posted by: Jay at January 16, 2009 12:04 PM

HOLY SHITE!!!!! He's turned into Jim Morrison!!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 16, 2009 12:08 PM

The possibility that he may take Puffy down with him ALMOST makes it all worth it. But seriously, he must be joquin.

Posted by: jM at January 16, 2009 12:14 PM

oh Joaquin.. oh eloquents...

I must delurk to show my appreciation for a bit of pure comedy. I really needed a laugh today

Posted by: VinKong at January 16, 2009 12:15 PM

I have $100 that says in a year he'll be one of those junior posse guys walking behind Puffy while holding an umbrella over Diddy's head to keep the sun's rays from his baby soft skin.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 16, 2009 12:16 PM

This is all MC Serch and Everlast's fault.

Oh, fine, Marshall Mathers too.

Yes, in my teenage years I had a whole album written for the "Durty Cat'lic Boyz".

DCB in the house!!!!

My therapist makes a killing.

Posted by: Antietam at January 16, 2009 12:16 PM

This is all MC Serch and Everlast's fault.

Oh, fine, Marshall Mathers too.

Yes, in my teenage years I had a whole album written for the "Durty Cat'lic Boyz".

DCB in the house!!!!

My therapist makes a killing.

Posted by: Antietam at January 16, 2009 12:17 PM

Click it once, dumbass...

Sorry, ya'll

Posted by: antietam at January 16, 2009 12:19 PM

But seriously, he must be joquin.

That just made me do what a friend calls "ugly laugh".

Posted by: Jay at January 16, 2009 12:20 PM

jM,/b>, I see what you did there.

You're like, the pun princess.

Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:25 PM

I also see what I did with my HTML there.

Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:26 PM

I think you're all just jealous. Wait and see; Joaquin is going to be the next Vanilla Ice.

Posted by: Cindy at January 16, 2009 12:38 PM

Boyz in the posh gated community.

Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 12:50 PM

Oh. i might actually by the rap album if/when it drops.

I just love Joaquin Phoenix and will buy anything he makes ever ever ever.

Also, I love Casey and Joaquin together and have for years and it makes my inner squealie little tween go 'aaaaaaaaw!!!' whenever i remember that Casey's all loved up with Joaquin's sister Summer, which is frikkin adorable

I think Joaquin will be an awesome rapper. He's got that ittle lisp which'llmake things....interesting to say he very least.

Plus he's verr sexy. Hopefully the doc will include candid shots of Casey and Joaquin making out.

A girl can dream

Posted by: nadine at January 16, 2009 1:14 PM

He can't be a rapper! He's got no one to have beef with. Having a beef is source material. Who's he going to call out Bruce Willis? Willie Nelson? John Tesh!?

He better not fuck with John. Tesh lets the piano do the talking bitch!

Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 1:15 PM

That just made me do what a friend calls "ugly laugh".

Ha. If your ugly laugh is anything like mine, it involves tears and people trying to give you the Heimlich maneuver.

Posted by: jM at January 16, 2009 1:31 PM

This is so clearly an elaborate joke.

Right?

I mean, right?

Posted by: jess at January 16, 2009 1:52 PM

I had some friends of a friend in college who decided to give themselves "earth names." One picked Flower, another was something I don't remember, but the one I had to hang out with on occassion named herself Feather. I actually had to call a human being Feather without laughing in her face.

Naturally, my friends and I were sitting around one day making fun of these wannabe hippies (hello 45K tuition!), and we decided to create our own anti-earth names. I christened one friend Evil Corporation, the other named herself Colt .45, and I became Artificial Flavoring.

Ah, those were the days. So young, so idealistic...

Posted by: Sabrina at January 16, 2009 2:07 PM

Phoeionix Cash is gonna raise the roof and freak the squares with some heartfelt FOR REALS rap the way rap was meant to be raped. YOU HEAR ME?! THE WAY RAP WAS MEANT TO BE RAPED!

You know, Skitz, I can't decide if "raped" was deliberate or not.

Rapped.

Your way is actually better.

Posted by: superEdna at January 16, 2009 2:47 PM

HAHAHAHAHA

A rapper? Seriously? He does know he's white and hasn't had a tough upbringing on the streets, doesn't he? What a douche.

"Uh...Uh...yeah yeah...
Diddy. Hey, Diddy. Turn the music up in my headphones.
Yo, this one goes out to River. We love you and miss you, homie."

Posted by: Dave at January 16, 2009 2:48 PM

wow. i seriously hope this turns out to be a joke. i've seen the grizzly adams-serial killer pictures, and i knew he "retired" from acting, but i never assumed he aspired to be a rapper. what is he on? vincent gallo should join in...i mean, he has an album out too, right? their pretentiousness and crazy-eyes just might make this work.

Posted by: kelley at January 16, 2009 3:00 PM

OutPhoekast

Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 11:31 AM

----------------------------------

Oh, Pookie... you loveable scamp.

Posted by: Nadha at January 16, 2009 3:54 PM

Now if only he can find a way to take Kanye down with Diddy and himself.......

Posted by: stardust_savant at January 16, 2009 4:06 PM

BACK OFF OF KANYE, STARDUST!!!!!! OR SHOULD I SAY SQUID BRAINS?!! HE IS ENORMOUSLY ENTERTAINING IN HIS PERSONAL LIFE AND PUTS OUT SOME AWESOME MUSIC!! GOD IM TYPING SO HARD I MIGHT BREAK MY FUCKING MACBOOK AIR!!!!

But seriously, back up off.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 16, 2009 4:47 PM

Here's a preview of what we have to look forward to from DJ McFuzzFace...

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=10e9f7b3-b41b-4992-841c-3484ff31c454

Posted by: superEdna at January 16, 2009 5:10 PM

I got 34 seconds in and HAHAHAHAHAHhhaahahh *deep breath*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

He sounds ike my five year old reading. No inflection, no emotion, just empty.

Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 5:18 PM

Sabrina, your response made me release a hearty laugh from deep within my belly. Well played. I just don't want the world to endure naked Kanye pictures. It's for the children, really.

And if you must, it's Cthulhu Brains, not Squid Brains.

Posted by: stardust_savant at January 16, 2009 5:47 PM

dustin, how could you not notice the Leaf-Joaquin transformation? I think I didn't even make a thing about it because the Phoenix family have been hippies for decades, look at the names of their kids, River, Summer, uhm, can't remember the last one though. I wonder if this is some sort of joke that Joaquin is going to be rapper. With that look I was sure it was going to be some pedo folk singer type who cruises for 16 year olds in St. Louis.

Posted by: ph at January 16, 2009 7:58 PM

I hope his first song is about discovering the joys of masturbation as a little dude.

Julie made me larf. A Parenthood reference in the voice of Kenunu? You just made my damn night!

Posted by: Sharon at January 16, 2009 8:03 PM

I want to be rich and crazy enough to drop a lucrative and successful career and be a rapper.

Posted by: LB at January 16, 2009 8:05 PM

NO.

Posted by: Aislinn at January 17, 2009 8:35 AM

NO.

Posted by: Aislinn at January 17, 2009 8:39 AM

You know, I just saw these pictures

http://dlisted.com/node/30242

and wondered if maybe, just maybe, this is something on the level of Kaufman and Cohen. Either way, frightfully entertaining. I need this new "hat" explained.

Posted by: Jay at January 17, 2009 12:38 PM

Here's last night's performance. I was moved.

http://www.tmz.com/2009/01/17/phoenix-should-thanks-the-academy-for-nothing/

Posted by: superEdna at January 17, 2009 2:53 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rr_cv_M1mk

Posted by: phoenix fan at January 19, 2009 5:52 PM

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