jessica alba screensaver.jpg
Jessica Alba's Ass Options a Graphic Novel

JCVD Director Set to Film Said Ass / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 24, 2009 | Comments (16)

Is Jessica Alba trying to be taken seriously? After a decade of making horrible, horrible movies (The Eye, Love Guru, Fantastic Four, Into the Blue, seriously, how is she a star?), Alba looks like she might be turning a corner in her career. At least until she’s set to appear in Meet the Fockers next year.

Alba is already set to appear in The Killer Inside Me, alongside Casey Affleck, which actually comes from a legitimate goddamn director, Michael Winterbottom. (The NSFW trailer will disturb you, and actually does seem to be the rare case where a script calls for legitimate nudity). Alba has also completed filming on An Invisible Sign of My Own, and though I have no idea if the movie will turn out decent, the Aimee Bender novel it’s based on is fantastic.

In addition, Alba is now also set to star in The Insiders, based on a series of Belgian graphic novels that she optioned the rights to over the summer, partnering up with her Sin City director, Robert Rodriguez to make the purchase (which includes video game rights). Rodriguez is set to produce the film, which, according to ICv2, is about “Najah Cruz, a Columbian who is as deadly as she is beautiful. She has the weapons expertise and combat skills of a James Bond. At the secret request of the White House she infiltrates a worldwide mafia-like organization composed of businessmen and politicians and becomes the bodyguard of the organization’s leader.”

All right — so maybe I overstated it when I suggested she was turning a corner in her career. But, at least The Insiders will not be another “high-concept” romantic comedy or a disposable horror movie. In fact, it might even remind us of why she’s a movie star in the first place, which was because she was apparently pretty good in the James Cameron-produced television series “Dark Angel.”

We also know, from our inside source, that JCVD director, Mabrouk el Mechri, will direct The Insiders. I haven’t seen JCVD, the mock-action movie about and starring Jean Claude Van Damme, but it was apparently good enough to put Prisco “flat on his ass,” attributing much of that success to el Mechri.

I haven’t actually witnessed a decent performance from Alba, but as far as ass-kicking nikitas go, you could do worse than Alba. And as far as el Mechri is concerned, the only real talent he needs is an ability to point the camera at Alba’s ass and hit record. Wrap some decent action around that ass, and the result might actually be a watchable movie.

Who the fuck am I kidding? It’s gonna be atrocious.

It walks down stairs, alone and in pairs, and it makes that slinkity sound. It’s Ass. It’s Ass. It’s Jessica’s Ass. Everyone knows it’s Slinky!

(H/T The Hollywood Cog)


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Comments

Is it wrong of me to say that Alba was sexier about 12 years ago when she was 17?

Posted by: Fredo at November 24, 2009 11:39 AM

You're right though Fredo. She's lost too much weight. Some girls can make skinny work. She's not one of them. She's too angular now.

It's a damn shame.

Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 11:50 AM

It's ok, Fredo, but you have to phrase it differently and say "Jessica Alba was sexier about 12 years before she had plastic surgery."

Posted by: Yossarian at November 24, 2009 11:52 AM

It's ok, Fredo, but you have to phrase it differently and say "Jessica Alba was sexier about 12 years before she had plastic surgery."

Ah, so it's all on how I say it! Thanks.

And becks is right: she lost too much weight in a rush to be skinny. Of course, a lousy attitude don't help either.

Posted by: Fredo at November 24, 2009 11:54 AM

She wasn't bad in Idle Hands.

That's all I got, though.

Also? Can we be honest with ourselves for a second?

"Dark Angel" sucked.

Posted by: TK at November 24, 2009 11:54 AM

Never was sure what the hubub about Jessica Alba's ass was. She has a nice rack and good lips but really, when it is not being computer enhanced on film, she has no ass. Sorry guys, it just isn't there. And now for the log song:

Whaaaat rolls downstairs
alone or in pairs
rolls over your neighbors dog

It sits on you back
is good for a snack
it's LOG LOG LOG!!

It's LOOOG
It's LOOOG
It's big it's heavy it's wood

It's LOOOG
It's LOOOG
It's better than bad
it's GOOD!

Posted by: Brian at November 24, 2009 12:16 PM

Brian, she used to have more curves. She's scrawny now though.

Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 12:19 PM

I was going to ask what's so special about Alba's ass that makes it any better than any other hot-assed celebrichick's; instead I'll defer to the Alba ass-watchers who say it's not as good as it used to be anyway and not worry about it.

Now what did I come in here for ... oh yeah:

SEE "JCVD" NOW. It's an amazing, and funny, piece of work.

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 24, 2009 12:56 PM

You're doing the log song all wrong. It was reinvented after I got really, really stinking drunk. Here's the newest, most accurate version:

What rolls down stairs,
All drunk and impaired,
And makes a hole in your wall?

Falls flat on his back,
Like he's had an attack,
It's Xtreme Xtreme Xtreme!

It's Xtreeeeme
It's Xtreeeeme
Drunk as a skunk again!

It's Xtreeeeme,
It's Xtreeeeme
Everyone know's it's Xtreme!

*Note: it does sound better when sung with my real name.*

Posted by: Xtreme at November 24, 2009 12:58 PM

So, whose ass am I suposed to use as a reference when describing my self these days? I thougth Alba was the gold standard, but ti seems I was sadly mistaken.
Boys? Whose ass is in the Spank Bank's Derriere Account?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 1:06 PM

Why, yours of course, Lwa'e'. It's the platinum card of ass.

Also, foul motherfucker put a copyright claim on the trailer in the link.

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 24, 2009 1:12 PM

Ouch. I did some Googling and I see what y'all are talking about. She WAS prettier when she was rounder. I blame the succubus Jolie for convincing women the skulled-out look is the way to go.

Bitch queen.

Please keep your curves, ladies.

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 24, 2009 1:24 PM

I'd always thought Shakira's ass was the gold standard. Except for men who are into bigger booties, in that case Kim Kardashian.

Oh right and men on Pajiba who like a cartoon bum that's been added to a picture of Odette Yustman!

Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 1:28 PM

'Please keep your curves, ladies.'

Done!
I have been successful in overcoming my tragic bout with anorexia for 14 years now. Real women have curves, and real men know how to navigate them.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 2:32 PM

Oh, come on. She's a star because she has a cute body and she wears very little or skin-tight clothing in every terrible blockbuster she's in. So, she gets cast because she'll draw an extra few bucks by gyrating her ass (Sin City) or being completely nude (fantastic four) in between scenes of her trying desperately hard to emote and failing miserably. She's a terrible actress and has no charisma whatsoever, but she knows what sells and uses it to further her fame a little longer. And it works.

Posted by: figgy at November 24, 2009 5:26 PM

"She has the weapons expertise and combat skills of a James Bond"

I hate that this bizarre grammatical whatever-it-is is becoming accepted. What's wrong with 'weapons expertise and combat skills of James Bond'? Why a James Bond? There's only one James Bond, and if they're referring to super spies in general there are less aggravating ways of phrasing it.

Posted by: James at November 25, 2009 6:12 AM





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