jennifer_garner.jpg
Please, Hold Your Butterface Jokes

Because, Really: Not Contextually Appropriate / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | April 7, 2009 | Comments (42)

Jennifer Garner, who will next be seen as the main love interest in Matthew McConaughey’s Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (kill me, kill me dead), signed on to another comedy yesterday. She’ll be playing the lead in, and possibly producing, a movie called Butter, which comes from newbie screenwriter, Jason Micallef. It’s a political satire set in the competitive world of … butter sculpting. According to THR:

Butter” follows a young orphan who, after being adopted by a Midwestern family, discovers she has an uncanny talent for butter-carving. She eventually finds herself up against the ambitious wife of the retired reigning champion in a town’s annual butter-sculpting contest.

Decent premise, if handled correctly (and if the satire is sharp). It could be fantastic, something akin to Drop Dead Gorgeous or Election, only with butter sculptors. And the two directors currently circling the drain are both appropriate for the material: Craig Gillespie (Lars and the Real Girl) or Gary Ross (Seabiscuit, Pleasantville). And the script comes with a lot of buzz, having scored third place on last year’s Black List.

And while I certainly have hopes for the movie, I can’t say as much for the headline writers out there. Here’s another list of embarrassing heds, including: “Garner Dipped into Butter” and “Garner Can’t Believe it’s ‘Butter’.”

Hold me.


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Comments

Please, please, PLEASE tell me this kid carves the Big Butter Jesus in Ohio!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 7, 2009 9:54 AM


Jesus, I live in Indiana, and I never knew there was such a thing as butter-carving.

Why do you think it is important that she should be adopted? I'll wager $50 that she turns out to be the daughter of the "reigning champ." You know, a movie about the zeitgeist, circles, etc.

Posted by: Lance at April 7, 2009 9:55 AM

I can't believe it's about butter...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 7, 2009 9:56 AM

Ever since I saw that special on her early career where she was sleeping on some crazy lady's kitchen floor in between New York gigs, I can't give Garner much crap. Maybe that's because I never saw Elektra. Screenwriter's fault anyway.

Yes, Hollywood. Deliver unto me another Election.

Posted by: twig at April 7, 2009 9:57 AM

Lance I live in Indiana, too....many, many strange things exist out there that don't penetrate the Hoosier hollers....

Ok, so here is the BBJ....and lyrics to the song about him.

http://brettlive.com/2006/09/26/big-butter-jesus-lyrics/#comment-2144

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 7, 2009 10:01 AM

Shit I was hoping after the kids she'd go away. Can't stand that beady eyed viper.

Posted by: Andrew at April 7, 2009 10:01 AM

Beady eyes? Yeah, but I'd be willing to wager dollars to donuts shes far more attractive than 99% of the tail anyone in here has wet their noodle with. It's all relative folks.

Posted by: Roaddog at April 7, 2009 10:07 AM

I like the way you think Andrew.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 7, 2009 10:07 AM

Here's another good photo of ol' BBJ.
OHIO

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at April 7, 2009 10:08 AM

I hope the butter carving champion is played by Paula Deen.

Posted by: MG at April 7, 2009 10:16 AM

Wow, all I can think of now is Jen being lathered up in warm butter. Gallons of it.

What exactly would be the health issues associated with using butter as a lube, anyhow? Should we consult Charlie Sheen?

Posted by: Xtreme at April 7, 2009 10:16 AM

I'm glad to see that Jennifer Garner is doing something that sounds interesting and has the potential to be very funny. She's one of those actresses who I find positively adorable and would be willing to see what she has next in line.
But a movie with McConaughey? She butter have gotten paid a LARGE sum of money or needed the cash for her children.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 7, 2009 10:18 AM

I love Jennifer Garner. Like, unhealthily so. She's so cute in interviews, and Alias was entirely too much fun, and she seems so sweet in all those pictures with her daughter. And Jesus, have you guys seen her in lingerie? She's tremendous looking. Hell, I rewind the scene the scene in Alias season two where she's in the red teddy with the whip. So pretty.

Posted by: Julie at April 7, 2009 10:22 AM

I can't believe it's about butter...

Elegant, simple ... an instant classic.

Here's another good photo of ol' BBJ.

Damn, you got me. I thought it was going to be a photo of a BBBJ. That was very disappointing.

Can't stand that beady eyed viper.

You know, it's not that her face is unattractive, at least to me, but she has that scrunchy, anxious-face all the time. Like she would be constantly picking at her cuticles and looking worried about whether she re-filled the salt and pepper shakers.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 7, 2009 10:24 AM

What exactly would be the health issues associated with using butter as a lube, anyhow?

Butter can go rancid if not refrigerated, but it takes a long time. Thorough washing should solve the problem. As a food item, it's a host for bacteria, so you'd need to hose out the nooks and crannies.

With those instructions, however ... knock yourself out, and report back with results.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 7, 2009 10:26 AM

"I hope the butter carving champion is played by Paula Deen."

Yes, yes, PLEASE! Brilliant, MG!

Posted by: angelbabe at April 7, 2009 10:38 AM

With those instructions, however ... knock yourself out, and report back with results.

Pictures or it didn't happen.

Posted by: Snath at April 7, 2009 10:43 AM

You know, I really enjoyed her turn in Juno. Also, 13 Going On 30. I *heart* that stupid, stupid movie.

If this is anywhere near as good as Drop Dead Gorgeous, I'm in. I just re-watched that over the weekend. Love it.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 7, 2009 10:44 AM

She did great in Juno, and I think it was because that character fit her look so much -- that character was Anxious McScrunchyface pretty much the whole way. At the end, when she's picking up the baby and squishing up her eyes, that's how I would expect her to be any time the mail doesn't arrive precisely on time.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 7, 2009 10:49 AM

Now Snath, what self respecting girl would let someone cover her in butter, then fornicate while covered in said butter whilst pictures are taken?

Oh right. None. But really, since when did self respect become any sort of prerequisite, anyhow? I just found out about "2 Girls, 1 Cup" yesterday. Enough said. Google it if you don't know what it is. I dare you.

Posted by: Xtreme at April 7, 2009 10:50 AM

I just found out about "2 Girls, 1 Cup" yesterday.

Aaaaw.

When Garner's character in Juno says "It's not kicking for me" my heart just shattered.

Posted by: Julie at April 7, 2009 10:58 AM

You use real butter, you'll never get the stains out of the sheets ... or so I've heard.

We have this jar of cocoanut lime body butter Mrs. , likes me to apply to her various parts as a warmup. Smells great; tastes awful.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 7, 2009 11:00 AM

Garner's a homegirl, BTW, so while I sometimes have trouble looking at her whythelongface I can't hate on her.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 7, 2009 11:05 AM

I love butter, but this is just dumb.

Is Hollywood fresh out of unnecessary remakes already?

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 7, 2009 11:05 AM

Decent premise...

Really??? Are we that hard up?

Posted by: Cindy at April 7, 2009 11:09 AM

I think her smile is glorious and I will watch her in basically anything. Even Elektra, although I was forced to watch that on an overnight bus from Quito to Guayaquil.

I just keep thinking of those hideous "Meet the Buttertons" commercials that hulu has ingrained into my skull. Giant sticks/carvings of butter - gross. Butter on my croissant - yummy.

Posted by: rayliota at April 7, 2009 11:17 AM

People don't actually think Garner is a butterface, do they? I think she's absolutely beautiful and radiant in a completely non cookie-cutter way.

I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to watch "Juno" (which I ended up liking). I thought Garner was the best part of the whole damn movie (Page was cruising for a bruising - I detested her character). She just broke my damn heart.

Posted by: samantha t at April 7, 2009 11:28 AM

Mrs. Buttterworth will pop a cap.

Posted by: admin at April 7, 2009 11:30 AM

No one really thinks this is a solid idea for movie, right? At best, it should have Adam Sandler and Christopher Walkins teaming up against Ben Stiller.

Poor Jen, ever since she married that ass-clown Afleck...

Posted by: Xtreme at April 7, 2009 11:38 AM

Thanks @rayliota. Now I want a warm croissant with yummy melty buttteeerrrrrrraghrlargharhgh....

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 7, 2009 11:45 AM

Shouldn't we have expected this to be churned out by the writers of "Milk"?

(Shakes own head... walks away from the computer... gets more coffee)

Posted by: antietam at April 7, 2009 11:55 AM

You butter believe it.

Posted by: Lucas at April 7, 2009 12:10 PM

As I was reading this, one of the secretaries was sitting down to her desk with a bag of freshly popped corn. Weird.

I love Jennifer Garner, too. I think she's adorable. This movie could end up being really good or cute.

Posted by: Kolby at April 7, 2009 12:19 PM

re: butter as lube

Just don't, OK. Take my word for it.

Posted by: Drake at April 7, 2009 12:27 PM

Will there be a sandwich-maker? Please tell me there'll be a sandwich-maker.

Posted by: JureF at April 7, 2009 12:30 PM

Will there be the churning of butter? Everyone knows that the sculpting of someone elses butter is empty unless you churn your own first.

Posted by: admin at April 7, 2009 12:42 PM

I've tried avoiding butter for years now because of the whole transfats thing. Any chance there'll be a sequel or Canadian re-release called Margarine?

Garner's cute, can kick ass, is normal, a nondestructive parent, singlehandedly drove a stake into the heart of the beast known as Bennifer, and yes Julie, looks damn fine in lingerie. And bikinis. And that is why, when ladyhelmet wants to watch this show, I won't object.

What was it supposed to be about, again?

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 7, 2009 1:40 PM

Drop Dead Gorgeous is the Crash of satirical comedies. It sucks and blows. Shallow, obvious, and way too pleased with itself for taking shots at easy targets, while bringing nothing new or observant to the party.

Posted by: alone in the dark at April 7, 2009 1:40 PM

Marry me, antietam! I don't particularly care whether you're a guy or a gal, nor should the fact that I have a husband stand in our way.

Posted by: meaux at April 7, 2009 1:55 PM

lordhelmet - are there transfats in butter? I thought transfats were what was formed when oil is turned into margarine. Am I thinking of something else?

Not that I care - I fucking love butter.

Posted by: Kolby at April 7, 2009 1:58 PM

Kolby, I'm just repeating what I think ladyhelmet said one time. She's a nursing student and can get pedantic on nursing and nutritional topics, which results in a lowered attention span when there's hockey to be watched. I can't be arsed to actually read up on it since it's not going to make any difference to me - but if you find out let me know!

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 7, 2009 4:13 PM

I gotta get a hold on my speedreading. dammitjanet's first comment first processed as
Butterbean Jesus.

Though I love the image, raising my hopes for a fat, bearded, bald, washed up boxer Jesus is likely beyond this world.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at April 7, 2009 10:01 PM





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