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I'm F**king Matt Damon Jennifer Aniston

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (30)

Jennifer-Aniston-Cherry2.jpg

The thing is: Jennifer Aniston is actually capable of making a movie that’s not a romantic comedy. I’ve seen it. The Good Girl and Friends with Money come to mind, immediately. But, I suppose, she’s 40 now, and she’s determined to get every last ounce of romantic leading lady jujube she has left before her ovaries dry up (at least, that’s what I suspect her agent is telling her). She has nine projects either in development or completed, and my guess is that she plays a love interest in all nine.

Make that ten.

Aniston, busy beefing her her iMDB filmography, has signed on to Pumas, which is a movie about two Cougars, but I guess because her “Friends” co-star, Courtney Cox, has a show called “Cougar Town,” coming out in the fall, they decided against using that title. Puma also sounds younger than a Cougar. So, there you go.

The script, which involved every drop of creative juice sitting in the back refrigerator of a 7/11, centers on two thirtysomething women who make a habit of romancing younger men and take a French skiing vacation that challenges their romantic expectations.

Wow. You think she’ll fall in love with a man her own age? Probably, but maybe she’ll throw us a loop, and “challenges romantic expectations” actually means that Aniston will swap gravy with her as yet unnamed female co-star. Don’t count on it.

The movie will be directed by good old Wayne McClammy, who you wouldn’t know from Anne Coulter’s goiter: He’s the man behind both of the Jimmy Kimmel skits, “I’m fucking Matt Damon,” and “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck.” And, really, what else do you need to get someone to throw you a movie? I can’t wait for the trailers: “From the Guy Who Brought You: ‘I”m Bleeping Matt Damon’ comes a tepid Jennifer Aniston comedy about older women who bleep their pool boys.”

In the dismissive words of BarbadoSlim: Pffffffft. Pass.









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Comments

First!

(sighs)

I'll get my coat...

Posted by: elzupasmonkey at July 30, 2009 8:03 PM

But she has such lovely hair and a spunky attitude.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at July 30, 2009 8:04 PM

I'd fuck her.

Posted by: Angus at July 30, 2009 8:04 PM

Jennifer Aniston is, surprisingly, competent at her job. She's not some sort of thespian, hell, she's barely an actress, but given the right material, (Iron Giant, Office Space, That South Park guest apperance) you can use her. As long as she's never on another magazine cover related to Brangelina, I'd be willing to give her some sort of a shot.

Posted by: George at July 30, 2009 8:07 PM

swap gravy

That is the most disgusting phrase for that I've heard yet.

I shall be sure to use it frequently.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 30, 2009 8:25 PM

That South Park guest apperance

You know, I always forget about that until someone mentions it, and then I have about 30 seconds of being all "Oh yeah, she actually can be quite funny!" before I go back to bored indifference towards her.

Posted by: Shay at July 30, 2009 8:37 PM

What precisely is the "gravy" that women would be swapping? I feel like I don't want to know.
And in grade school we always said PUMA was an acronym.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 30, 2009 8:46 PM

For what, Optimus? Or do I not want to know, just like I don't want to know what "gravy" they're talking about either?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 30, 2009 8:51 PM

I'd fuck her.
Posted by: Angus at July 30, 2009 8:04 PM

Would you really? See the stick? See the stick? Go get the stick!!

How would you fuck her?
Would you fuck her in the mouth?
Would you fuck her in the ass?
Would you fuck her tits?
Blowjob?
Handjob?
Footjob?
Do you want her missionary?
Do you want her on top?
Do you want her face down ass up?
Would you use latex?
Would you use candle wax?
Would you use handcuffs?
Bite?
Slap?
Pull?
Do you want to sniff her underwear?
Do you want to lick her toes?
Do you want to taste her inside and out?
Would you call her whore, slut, bitch?
Would you call her your lover?
Would you call her the muse of all ages your one desire?

Sorry...I'd fuck her just bored the shit out of me.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at July 30, 2009 8:52 PM

I get the feeling Deist might know the gravy I'm wondering about.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 30, 2009 9:23 PM

I think Deistbrawler needs his own column.

Posted by: chayes at July 30, 2009 9:28 PM

If Cougar Town was a real place, I'd buy me a condo.

*ba-dump-cha!*

I think the whole cougar phenomenon is hilarious. I wasn't always 40, but young men are always delicious, yes? Don't know about this movie, tho. A whole movie about cougaring? Jen Aniston can be funny, but there better be some hotness to keep the rest of us cougars interested for 80 minutes (we have very short attention spans unless there's hotness, don'tchaknow).

Posted by: Chickaboom at July 30, 2009 9:36 PM

I 'bout peed at "swap gravy". Made me think of "tossing salad".

Posted by: ahamos at July 30, 2009 9:38 PM

I get the feeling Deist might know the gravy I'm wondering about.

Two theories:
One, that DR just had a weird thought about Snowballing
Two, ok this one actually comes from a joke. Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?....Have you ever tried to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart? (Now I know this isn't true after "The L Word," several lesbian friends and three bi-sexual x girlfriends). Still makes you think though huh?
How about a third? Maybe they will make out with some really severe colds?

Posted by: Deistbrawler at July 30, 2009 9:53 PM

As always, Bones has my thoughts on the "cougar" issue covered.

Booth: "A cougar is an older woman who prefers younger men."
Bones: "Wouldn't that indicate that every woman is a cougar?"

Any discussion longer than that is overwrought and unnecessary. Sorry, Ms.Aniston. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at July 30, 2009 9:58 PM

Wow. You think she’ll fall in love with a man her own age?

I was thinking more of a man about ... oh, 52. And, um, two months and a week.
---
deistbrawler,

Would I could I call her "whore"?
Could I would I call her "slut"?
I would I could call her "bitch."
And then she'd pay me, make me rich.

-- From Dr. Suess' "How the , Fucked Rachel"

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 30, 2009 10:09 PM

Friends with money...yes, she's not playing the love interest for anyone...but the movie is bad.

I don't understand why she's still relevant.

Posted by: james at July 30, 2009 11:03 PM

Us girls think we like older men, until we realize that all y'all are basically threeve anyway, so we might as well hit it with the cute ones that can keep it up.

Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, do my crass generalizations and objectification of males offend you, sir?

I didn't think so. 'Cause you're threeve.

Posted by: bev rage at July 31, 2009 2:07 AM

Her next project should be: "A Better Looking More Successful Woman Took My Husband And I'm Pathetic And Can't Get Over It That's Why I Milk It, Oh And I Play The Same Character In Everything Diaries"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 31, 2009 8:33 AM

Posted by: bev rage at July 31, 2009 2:07 AM

aaaahhhahahhahahhahhahhhahahhah!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 31, 2009 9:01 AM

Deistbrawler,

I hear you. And I know exactly how I would do it.

I would tackle her onto the bed, rip her clothes off with my teeth and whatever else is laying around, flip her over, hold her wrists behind her back with one hand and grab a giant fistful of her hair with the other, and proceed to Hate Fuck the everliving shit out of her.

What can I say? I'm a big softy.

Posted by: Kballs at July 31, 2009 9:37 AM

I'm over it now.

Posted by: Angus at July 31, 2009 9:39 AM

Damn Deistbrawler, I should've kept reading because you reminded me of a gay joke I could've included in my last post:

What's the difference between a gay dude and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull out the meat.

That is my favorite joke ever.

Posted by: Kballs at July 31, 2009 9:51 AM

Since when are thirty somethings cougars? Every fucking man you meet will either be older than you or younger than you. The odds of being born at the same exact moment are slim to none. I thought to be a cougar you basically had to be old enough to be his mother.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 31, 2009 10:47 AM

Ok, the list of actresses we don't like is pretty clear - at its top is Rainbow Killer. Jennifer Anniston is somewhere on the list, though probably not near the top (it seems as though our attitude towards her leans more towards indifference than dislike). Among others, Cameron Diaz is on there, as is the hot babe from the Transformer movies (for some reason, I can never remember her name). A more difficult (and far shorter) list to put together would be of the actresses that we like. I'm guessing that the dislike list has a lot more hot babes on it than the like list would. Coincidence? I think not.

Posted by: sosumi at July 31, 2009 10:50 AM

I think we like a lot of hot babes at Pajiba. Jennifer Aniston isn't a hot babe anyway, she's an alright looking (with enough primping) old lady. Besides, I never get the sense that any of the women on this site hate Heigl or Cameron Diaz or Megan Fox for being hot. They hate them for being bitchy or annoying.

Posted by: becks at July 31, 2009 3:35 PM

Posted by: Meander at August 1, 2009 7:11 AM

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOWWWWZZZZZAAAAAAAAAA!

*spank spank spunk uhn*

Whew ... thanks, meander, you give great link! That was fantastic!

But they tell me I have to find a new job now ...

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 1, 2009 6:54 PM

"Old lady"? Really?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 1, 2009 11:12 PM

Easy, AvB. Clearly, becks is 12. When you're 12, Hayden Panettiere is an "old lady."

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 2, 2009 7:18 PM