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Worst. Heterosexual. Ever.

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (41)

goldpants.jpg

That’s it! Hugh Jackman is the worst heterosexual ever, or the most secure one. Sure, he snarls it up as Wolverine, but he spends a quarter of his time on Broadway doing musicals like Carousel and I think he’s even been rumored to star in a Hollywood version of Guys and Dolls, with Guy Ritchie in the director’s chair (a rumor that’s probably bunk). Also, there’s this (at the 1:00 mark):



Although, let’s be fair. That’s less gay than it is humiliating.

Anyway, because the man is unbelievably secure in his masculinity, he’s also gearing up to star in Avon Man, which is what it wounds like. Written by Kevin Bisch (Hitch), Avon Man is about a small-town used car salesman who gets laid off from his job and turns to selling cosmetics. When things for the town get dicey, he then recruits the locale’s male members into Avon Men.

I like the guy’s chutzpah. You certainly don’t see Christian Bale mixing up his John Connor roles with musicals and comedies that call his sexuality into question.









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Comments

"he then recruits the locale’s male members into Avon Men. ".

So, The Full Monty, but subbing in make-up? Splendid. Can't wait.

*headdesk*

Posted by: TK at July 17, 2009 11:07 AM

TK, My thought exactly, though stated much better.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 11:10 AM

Worst. Heterosexual. Ever.

If by worst, you mean BEST.

Posted by: DontStopNow at July 17, 2009 11:10 AM

Mr. PaddyDog has a huge man-crush on Hugh Jackman, precisely because in addition to being good looking and an action-hero star, he can dance and sign and do all those things mere mortal men can't do............or does that just mean I should be very worried about Mr. PaddyDog's sexuality?

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 17, 2009 11:10 AM

Of course that should have been "dance and sing" but who knows, he probably can do sign-language as well and read Braille, and decode encrypted messages from North Korea.

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 17, 2009 11:12 AM

I like his attitude! Not so much his films, but I like his attitude.

Besides, how can someone be a bad heterosexual? You're either having sex with women or you're not... Everything else is superficial, no?

When my boyfriend asks if he looks gay in (insert item of clothing here), I tell him the only thing he can look gay in, is another man's arse.

Posted by: missh at July 17, 2009 11:13 AM

missh: technically, it's only gay if your balls touch.

Posted by: Mez at July 17, 2009 11:16 AM

you shouldn't be worried PaddyDog Hugh's one of the 'safe' crushes for a straight man, like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Christian Bale.

Posted by: cockroach at July 17, 2009 11:16 AM

Hugh is also married to a much older woman, right? Like 15 years older? If my facts are straight, it falls into my suspicions about lopsided Hollywood marriages.
Young man + Older woman = Gay man (Hugh) OR Money-grubbing man-whore (Cher's exes and Larry Fortensky - look it up, I'll wait)
Young woman + Older man = Money-grubbing whore (take your fucking pick of examples) OR Hard-core bisexual who wants to fuck everything that moves . . . who loves money (the Playboy Girls Next Door, Anna Nicole)
The only exception is true love (yeah, right) or the younger woman thinks she is too mature for anyone around her own age, proving that she is horribly immature.
I'm right 95% of the time. No, really.

Posted by: Kballs at July 17, 2009 11:19 AM

which is what it wounds like

That is either intentional or the most perfect typo EVER.

Posted by: Snath at July 17, 2009 11:27 AM

"No good?"
"Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized Hugh Jackman walked like that."

Posted by: branded at July 17, 2009 11:27 AM

Hmm! It seems to me everytime a man in Hollywood has a stable marriage, he is accused of being gay. Hugh Jackman would have nothing to gain from hiding his sexuality, he started and built his career in musical theatre where being gay isn't exactly a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. He came to the big movie scene pretty late. If he just romanced his wife to get ahead (she was an established actor when he was just beginning), he could have dumped her long before now. Besides, the hidden gays in Hollywood tend not to take roles that shout GAY from the hill tops and he doesn't parade his wife around like a neon-headlined statement. I'll pause here for Tom Cruise to sue me.

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 17, 2009 11:29 AM

Worst. Heterosexual. Ever.

I just read the headline and thought Dustin was about to make a confession of some sort?

Posted by: uselessmale at July 17, 2009 11:32 AM

I'm a herosexual myself. At least that's what the ladies tell me.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 11:37 AM

bucdaddy, does that mean you wear a cape?

Posted by: uselessmale at July 17, 2009 11:44 AM

uselessmale; of course he does - the question at hand is WHERE does he wear said cape...

Posted by: mish at July 17, 2009 11:48 AM

No capes!

Posted by: Snath at July 17, 2009 12:04 PM

Look, I think Jackman is 100% straight. I'm a guy who's pretty secure in his masculinity (except on Saturdays) and I love the guy. I just think that he's got his game on lock. If dude was single, he'd be getting so much ass, he'd never have time to make a movie. And I mean like crazy, boy band ass.

Snath beat me to it, but that is one of the most awesome typos ever.

Posted by: admin at July 17, 2009 12:04 PM

Where does it say that a guy can't be both 'secure in his masculinity' and gay?
I'm just saying...

Posted by: Tarn at July 17, 2009 12:30 PM

There's Juliet Mills (67) and Maxwell Caulfield (49) that've been married since 1980, and I don't believe I've ever heard a whisper about him being gay.

Posted by: snapnhiss at July 17, 2009 12:37 PM

Thank you, mama, for making me gold pants. Pants to dance in, pants to romance in.

Posted by: phquaryn at July 17, 2009 12:42 PM

Give me Jackman all Wolverine'd out with the muttonchops and giant muscles and sweat and dirt or not at all.

Posted by: figgy at July 17, 2009 1:16 PM

I've never understood the 'gay until proven lover of the mighty fur-burger' assumption. It seems to follow around any male celebrity who doesn't make a spectacle of himself by punching random people, or stumbling out of some God-forsaken pit of debauchery.

I don't have 'gay-dar', or any statistics or Gallup poles to help decipher what's going on here. Maybe some celebrities just want to pack their sinuses full of coke in the privacy of their homes, with their loving families filming it for posterity.

So, until I see screaming yellow block print chronicling his 'bravery', or 'true story', or 'revelations on his secret pain, hitting bottom (figuratively), substance abuse and the love of a good man', I'll operate under the assumption that he is, in fact, acting.

I guess I wonder why it's fair game to giggle and point, and mock some person's presumed homosexuality to the point where it's gone seven miles past ad nauseum. And why is that at the moment speculations are confirmed--if they are-- that recently-out(ed) soul is bestowed with a freaking Victoria Cross? Wasn't it about seven seconds ago when this aspect of the person's life was treated with nothing even approaching respect? Are we that fickle, or do we just want to make nice for the cameras?

Anyway, that sounds like a humourless blanket statement. I'm just thinking in print and using generalities to frame my question.

Ja Rule, please shed some light on this quandary in the same manner as you did for the terrible events of September 11!

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at July 17, 2009 1:45 PM

Truly Menly Men love musicals.

Posted by: figgy at July 17, 2009 1:47 PM

Yes! Somebody please get Ja on the phone so we can all make sense of this!

Posted by: Kballs at July 17, 2009 2:28 PM

Truly Menly Men love musicals.

Pfft. Truly Manly Men do NOT dance. Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk!

Posted by: Shay at July 17, 2009 2:42 PM

bucdaddy, does that mean you wear a cape?

Posted by: uselessmale at July 17, 2009 11:44 AM
---
My tongue serves as all the cape the ladies ever need.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 3:01 PM

Did anyone else have that "point one finger, three more point back" go through their head when reading that first paragragh?

Hmm! It seems to me everytime a man in Hollywood has a stable marriage, he is accused of being gay.

That is because, for all the "progress" supposedly made, a man's sexuality is measured in quantity rather than quality. He can't possibly be straight; if he was, he would be putting his penis in any hole he could find (within the law and self-preservation).

Kinda like how if a female celeb even LOOKS like she could have had more than one partner in her entire life, she is labeled a slut, regardless of any real evidence (sadly, that is fairly normal here).

Posted by: Vermillion at July 17, 2009 3:08 PM

Rapidly

losing

credibility...

Posted by: Recondite at July 17, 2009 3:35 PM

I think it's an interesting comment on our society that a man still cannot participate in performing arts without having his sexuality called into question. I see it all the time in classical performing arts, especially opera. The idea that the case for Jackman's homosexuality is somehow compounded by his marriage to an older woman is laughable at best. Come on Pajiba, we're better than that.

Oh, was it a joke? My bad.

Posted by: Suz at July 17, 2009 3:45 PM

I can't for the life of me see why that TV show failed.

Seriously, if you're going to do a song and dance number to such a well known song, either do the dance with the original song in the background and keep your mouth shut, or sing the song yourself while you dance. It's just tacky to sing the song over the original.

And I'm immensely enjoying this discussion.

Posted by: katy at July 17, 2009 5:46 PM

My tongue serves as all the cape the ladies ever need.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 3:01 PM
---
Ask AvB how she likes my "Ole!" move.

(That's o-lay! and not just ANY ole move.)

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 6:57 PM

I said love musicals, not love doing musicals. Menly men don't dance. But it takes a real man to enjoy Cabaret.

Posted by: figgy at July 17, 2009 8:05 PM

figgy, Would you settle for "The Producers" and "Guy and Dolls"?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 8:46 PM

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 17, 2009 3:01 PM

And they say that superheroes are fictional?

Jo 'Mama' Besser & Vermillion.

Seriously? Have a cookie.

Posted by: uselessmale at July 17, 2009 9:14 PM

Whoa. WHOA. BACK THE FUCK UP.

Did I see up there that Guy Ritchie may be directing Guys & Dolls? That is the most batshit crazy thing I have ever heard, and I REALLY WANT IT TO BE TRUE.

It may even be crazier than the 3-D Cleopatra musical directed by Soderbergh. GOD I LOVE MOVIES.

Posted by: Mimi at July 18, 2009 2:42 AM

it bears repeating that gay men can be confident in their masculinity as well as heterosexual men. masculinity is a gender construct completely separate from sexuality.

Posted by: djfox at July 19, 2009 7:21 AM

it bears repeating that gay men can be confident in their masculinity as well as heterosexual men. masculinity is a gender construct completely separate from sexuality.

Posted by: djfox at July 19, 2009 7:22 AM

He's just this generation's Gene Kelly. It's hot. He's hot. He's dancing in tight gold pants, and if he had a rainbow wig on he'd still have my number. I'm down.

I also remember that the boys of any species are supposed ta look pretty. What's up with people, y'all? Peacocks, I say. Peacocks!

Posted by: replica at July 20, 2009 1:50 AM

...and Dustin, Recondite has gotten to the point that he needs one of those 'countdown to midnight' type of clocks on the home page...so he doesn't miss the exact second you've lost credibility.

Perhaps an animated GIF of a shark jumping the Godtopus would suffice?

Posted by: replica at July 20, 2009 1:52 AM

OK, that clip was from the American version of a British show called Viva Blackpool, that starred that amazingly non-gay song and dance man, DAVID TENNANT.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 20, 2009 8:55 AM