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I'm Your Boyfriend Now, Nancy

One, Two: Freddy's Coming for You / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | April 5, 2009 | Comments (50)

By now, most of you probably already know that there’s a Nightmare on Elm Street remake in the works, because it’s been a full six years since the last Freddy movie and, clearly, the creative minds behind the franchise have run out of out bad ideas for the direction of the franchise. So, they’ve decided to rehash some of the ideas. Who needs new ideas when you can just put new faces on top of the old ones?!

The new face for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake will be Jackie Earle Haley, previously Rorschach in Watchmen and a self-mutilating pedophile in Little Children. Dude is creepy. In fact, there’s only one guy I can imagine doing Freddy as well as Jackie Earle Haley. And that’s Robert Englund, rest in peace. What’s that? He’s not dead? Then why replace him? I mean, do you really need a new face behind an inch of latex? Whatever. I guess if you made a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street with Robert Englund, well, you’d just be making the same movie again. Skinnier guy, different voice: Brand new movie! Hooray!

Samuel Bayer, who directed “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Blind Melon’s “No Rain” and a few other videos they actually aired on MTV (when’s the last time you saw a music video? Not just on MTV, I mean: Period?). Bayer’s approach to Krueger is, apparently, Nosferatu meets Ed Gein. And I’m sure that Bayer is just as good as Wes Craven, like store-brand ketchup is just as good as Heinz.


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Comments

Sorry but, for better or worse, Freddy and Englund are inextricably linked. I just will not accept any other usurper.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 5, 2009 9:22 PM

The Watchmen

Ha bloody ha.

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 9:43 PM

Jay, do you just sift through each article, looking for mistakes?

Get a freaking hobby.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at April 5, 2009 9:52 PM

This is probably the best choice they could have made next to Englund, but that doesn't really make me any happier about it. They just need to leave the series alone, damnit. Also, I watch music videos all the time on youtube. Watching a video of a song I like and clicking the similar videos in the side bar is how I find most of my new music.

Posted by: s. pisaster at April 5, 2009 9:54 PM

i can't wait.

and i'm the biggest elm street fan i know (from my collected wall hangings to my nightmare lunchbox, even my windshield sun deflector, not to mention the various freddys i sleep with).

i've always given each nightmare a shot, with my favorite-of-all-time being the ultra-gay NoES2:Freddy's Revenge.
my least favorite was, of course NoES6: Freddy's Dead. the 3d sucked and not even johnny depp could save it.

and for a while, i couldn't get rid of robert englund. he was EvErYwHeRe. and the over-exposure drained what little i had left for the man a long way back.

i look forward to seeing what JEH can do with the role. maybe, just maybe, he'll freak my shit.

Posted by: gp at April 5, 2009 10:03 PM

Noooo, of course not, but Dustin was just bein' a smartass. You don't even know how many homophone errors I let go Every Single Day!!! Get a name.

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 10:04 PM

Jay has many hobbies. Photography, karaoke, girls with glasses, and obscure Brit-Pop just to name a few.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 5, 2009 10:09 PM

Britpop's obscure?!

Aw shit. What's happened to the world???

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 10:09 PM

Did you know that people didn't know about Belle & Sebastian until Juno came out? Don't underestimate ignorance.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 5, 2009 10:13 PM

Wow, it's like a whole new generation gap! This must be aging, eh?

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 10:22 PM

"like store-brand ketchup is just as good as Heinz."
---
Props to my homies (hi, Kate), Heinz is the shit.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 5, 2009 10:33 PM

And bring back Johnny Depp!!! I'm sure he'll do it.

Posted by: Will at April 5, 2009 10:43 PM

I take no credit for my generation. In fact, I'll just hold out for the next one. I can hang out with Lil' Snath and the Kolbaby. I'll be the McConaughey.
"You know what I love about High School girls? I keep getting older and they just stay the same age." "Yes they do, yes they do,"

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 5, 2009 10:51 PM

Jackie Earl Haley is easily one of the best character actors of his generation. This movie may just not suck.

Posted by: George at April 5, 2009 10:56 PM

And you're wrong. It is Watchmen, not The Watchmen.

Posted by: grendel at April 5, 2009 11:12 PM

*giggles*

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 11:15 PM

Ok y'all, confession time. I never watch horror movies. They've kind of freaked me out in the past. My parents shunned slasher flicks and slumber parties were spent watching Rom-Coms instead of squeal-inducing bloodfests. But I think I'm enough of an adult now that I can watch some scary films.

Do y'all have some recs to start the ball rolling for me? Please, educate me. And apologies to Mr. Rowles if this isn't on topic enough, but gp's enthusiasm for the Elm Street collection got me thinking I should grow a pair. You know, like a real lady.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 5, 2009 11:33 PM

Oh lord, Kayanne, I could probably fill a book with reccomendations, but for starters (leaving out some of the more obvious, and by type)
Werewolf
Ginger Snaps
Dog Soldiers
The Wolfman
Vampire
The Lost Boys
After Dark
Graveyard Shift (Not that you'll find it...but the S.O. swears by this one)
Zombie
Night of the Living Dead (original)
Supernatural Killer
Candyman
Lord of Illusions
umm...that seems long enough for starters.

Posted by: s. pisaster at April 5, 2009 11:44 PM

I have a mate who recently bought a house on Elm street. Originally, they were going to move in on Halloween, but there were so many delays, they ended up moving in on Friday the 13th (yeah, of March. It was really fucking delayed).

Naturally, the housewarming is going to have a horror theme. Preferably with costumes. I am a wussy girly-girl when it comes to horror movies, so I have no idea what I want to go as, and 'Generic female victim' doesn't appeal.
I'm going to take the risk and ask - ideas, anyone?

Posted by: ScienceGeek at April 5, 2009 11:46 PM

I hope you considered "An American Werewolf In London" too obvious to mention, Ms. pisaster.

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 11:59 PM

And did you mean "Werewolf" as in "Paul's turning into worrrwolf"?

Posted by: Jay at April 6, 2009 12:02 AM

I would hope so Jay, although now that you mention it, maybe not to a newbie. Goddamnit, there are too many good horrors out there. And the werewolf genre has some surprisingly strong contenders. Especially when you consider how poorly its cousin, the Vampire film tends to work out in practice. And ScienceGeek, your friends are awesome. I would suggest Ginger from Ginger Snaps mid-transformation. I can't find a good pic, but she's the white-haired chick in this video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BecpClP78lg
or you could just be a zombie.

Posted by: s. pisaster at April 6, 2009 12:10 AM

Um, am I not allowed to post anymore? Mine aren't showing up. :(

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at April 6, 2009 12:57 AM

ScienceGeek - some decent recommendations there, but I have to take you to task on some of them - I mean, Lord Of Illusions? Really? Overlong, poorly-paced, dated and appallingly acted - if you're recommending Clive Barker-related movies, even though it's an obvious one, Hellraiser should spring to mind before that one.

Also, could someone explain to me the appeal of Ginger Snaps? I just don't get it - I flat-out hated that movie.

Some horror recommendations of my own;

The Descent - finest horror movie of the last decade, in my humble opinion. First horror movie I've seen at the cinema in a long time that actually made me feel apprehensive.

Inside - this is a French horror movie, and I imagine it won't be a popular recommendation around these parts, since it veers pretty close to torture-porn in some ways - but despite all the claret and graphic violence, I maintain it is a frighteningly intense and genuinely suspenseful film.

1408 - definitely one of the best adaptations of one of Stephen King's stories - Cusack is great, and the casting of Samuel L. Jackson as someone too scared to even get off the elevator on the floor the haunted room is on? Genius.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at April 6, 2009 1:11 AM

Kayanne,

Let me give this some thought, cause I saw a bunch of horror movies in the day (don't care much for them now) ...

One that's not strictly a horror movie but scared the bejeezus out of me was "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer." The ending is just a kick in the balls ... well, if you have balls, and I'm glad you don't, cause I've seen the rest of you. And as long as we're mentioning human monsters, there's "Deliverance." And would "Duel" qualify? They're all nightmares.

But back on topic, I second "Night of the Living Dead" (homies again) and will add "Dawn of the Dead." Skip "Day." Also Carpenter's "The Thing." Kubrick's "The Shining," though it takes large liberties with the book. "Re-Animator" if you like your gore goofy. "The Blair Witch Project," if you can get past the idiocy of the characters and accept it as a good campfire spook story.

Sure I'll come up with others in the reassuring light of day ...

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 6, 2009 1:23 AM

I still can't figure out who Haley's performance in Watchmen, specifically the interrogation scene with the shrink, reminds me of. It's something about the way he holds his mouth, it's agonisingly familiar, damn it all to Hades.

Either way, he fucking rocks my odd socks(they're really odd, ones purple, ones brown) and Freddy is one of the scarier monsters of cinema.As creepy and excellent as Englund was/is, Haley is possesed of The Simmering Rage. You KNOW he's going to bring an altogether angrier and more sinister edge to this. As incredible as Englund was, his was a performance of gleeful, horrfying mischief, he was like a harlequin gone bad with his punning and teasing, you almost forgot the man was a paedophile turned demonic undead spirit out for revenge.
I feel like Haley wont let that be forgotten, he'll play that into the mask and latex and the hat, he'll throw it into the looks he's throwing at his underage tween(it'd be so much scarier to make the victims younger) victims.
I might actually be excited about an unneccasary remake.
Well I'll be.

Posted by: Nadine at April 6, 2009 3:58 AM

Wait, Nightmare is going to be directed by a music video director? Really? That's the best person they could find for a well known franchise such as Nightmare? I mean, I think the same thing happened with Constantine, but c'mon, man...

...goddamn you, Rob Zombie.*

*This may or may not have anything to do with musicians (or in such case, people involved in the music world), but I just wanted to say that. I fuckin' hate Rob Zombie, and the fact that he is doing yet another sequel to Halloween.

Posted by: Riley at April 6, 2009 4:11 AM

Shoots. I still watch music videos on the interwebs all the time. A better question would be: when was the last time you saw an actual horror movie?

Posted by: Cody Jo at April 6, 2009 4:37 AM

*giggles*

Posted by: Jay at April 5, 2009 11:15 PM


That's it. Can't put up with you anymore. I am no longer reading comments on Pajiba.

Posted by: Peter G at April 6, 2009 5:07 AM

This makes perfect sense. There is nothing more terrifying than a 5'5 Freddy Krueger. Mini-Krueger, if you will.

Posted by: Samanthrax at April 6, 2009 9:08 AM

Good for you, Kayanne. Now I can assume the title of World's Biggest Pansy Girl. I was the only kid in the 70's who didn't get Wizard of Oz references because the witch scared me. My high school boyfriend made the mistake of taking me to see Halloween. He's probably still sporting gauge marks in his neck from my fingernails. To his credit, he didn't pull my hands off my eyes and yell, "I paid for this, bitch, you're watching it!" Nightmare on Elm Street is one of the few I've seen all the way through. (and by "seen" I mean "glimpsed a few scenes from between my trembling fingers"). The headline of this article made me recoil, and launched a full on post traumatic stress episode. Is there a pharmacist in the house?

Posted by: slower lower at April 6, 2009 9:23 AM

Hey, fine, Peter didn't appreciate the humor in someone calling me out as singularly critical and then someone else doing the same thing. Why so serious, huh?

Posted by: Jay at April 6, 2009 9:26 AM

(Although, being Hungarian, I am the scourge of Carpathia)

Posted by: Jay at April 6, 2009 9:42 AM

horror can be polarizing.
if you watch a lot of it, you can get jaded with the genre quickly.
for every movie that might disturb you, there are HUNDREDS that will just make you chuckle.

i like a good ghost story.
i love a good zombie flick.
i *heart* a good monster movie.

my advice to you, kayanne, is to browse the section at your local rental place. what dvd covers give you pause? is it teens in peril? is it sea creatures? is it bizarre asian children?
find something that creeps you, then START with a PG or PG-13 before jumping over to R or NC-17 which may be more graphic.

and avoid anything directed by udo kier.

i wish i could watch with you. one way i retain my childlike jumpiness is seeing scary movies with friends who get scared easily.
my room-mate dave watches in "chick-vision" with his face covered by his hands.
wuss.

Posted by: gp at April 6, 2009 9:48 AM

Kayanne, I love horror. I prefer the kind of... atmospheric, creepy ones and tend to stear clear of gore, unless it's comedic. Some suggestions for you:

The Changeling
The Haunting
The Descent
Them (Ils)
The Strangers
The Woman in Black
Let's Scare Jessica to Death
Dorothy Mills
The Thing (1982) (which they are remaking. again.)
The Innocents
Burnt Offerings
Session 9
The Orphanage

That's all I got. Back to work!

Posted by: Samanthrax at April 6, 2009 9:54 AM

slower lower, I read your comment to Mrs. , and asked her if she wrote it. She said no, it was "Friday the 13th" the unfortunate guy took her to, but the rest of it was spot-on.

She would leave gouge marks much lower than my neck if I ever took her to a horror movie.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 6, 2009 9:59 AM

samanthrax, I assume you mean the original "The Haunting," which creeped my shit out as a kid, and still does just thinking about it.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 6, 2009 10:01 AM

Of course. That remake was a total piece of shit. The original is the only movie that genuinely scares me everytime I watch it.

Posted by: Samanthrax at April 6, 2009 10:03 AM

slower lower, you'll have to share that title with me. I am a super wuss pansy ass when it comes to horror movies. In fact, I even have an embarassing story that I can share with y'all so you can make fun of me.
After being forced to watch Resident Evil 2 (of all fucking movies), I had to drive home by myself. The road I was on a)has no streetlights (those are for cityfolk) and b)has a lot of small hills. I had just come to a stop at the one stop sign on this damn street when something white and head-sized suddenly appeared in my passenger window. I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched the gas, peeling out and everything.
Then I figured out what it was. Right as I stopped at the stop sign, another car crested the hill above me. The headlights hit my passenger side mirror and reflected onto the window, which was very dirty.
That's right. I screamed my head off over a headlight.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at April 6, 2009 10:05 AM

I read somewhere that Haley had auditioned for the role of Freddy and that his buddy, Johnny Depp, drove him there. And that's how Depp was discovered. Maybe it's an urban legend or something. Can anyone corroborate that?

Posted by: Amanda H. at April 6, 2009 11:07 AM

I do believe we have Nicolas Cage to thank for Johnny Depp.

Posted by: Samanthrax at April 6, 2009 11:19 AM

you can still see music videos on mtvjams so *boom*

Posted by: farik at April 6, 2009 11:21 AM

Amanda H I heard that too but I dont know if it was for Freddy, I think he was reading for the role Johnny got, man I had totally forgotten about that connection!!

Obviously as you say it may be an Urban Legend but I can completely picture Depp and Haley being friends (they're both fabulous Kooks, i think)and I can obviously imagine Wes Craven(repostedly it was Wes himself who spotted the Deppster) taking one look at Depp and getting pregnant-Uh. Casting him in a movie.

If only we could ask them!!!I neeeeeeeeeeed this to be true, as much as I love Depp it's clear that Haley has been unfairly ignored(more or less) as an actor for years, this is some sort of coming full circle voodoo. Obviously, this only works if this remake doesn't suck but as I said earlier, I think Haley can rock this mo'fo.

Posted by: Nadine at April 6, 2009 11:23 AM

I just hear Joel Robinson saying "I'm your boyfriend now bleaghleaghleaghleagh" as several giant reptile monsters, as well as "Tom Jones International".

Someone asked about the voices in my head?

Posted by: Jay at April 6, 2009 11:30 AM

Samanthrax (hehe, awesome) I sound uber stalkery but I literally just read it on cracked.com (as we all know a valuable source for all knowledge) something like, Depp married a make up artist who introduced him to Cage but he left her before Cage had any measurable effect on his career, then went to the audition with Haley.
Not like...the same day...but within the same span of time.

Seriously, stalker much?
I apologise, it truly just is that Amanda H reminded me of te article so I re-read it.

Posted by: Nadine at April 6, 2009 11:33 AM

You know what really bugged about the use of Piazza New York Catcher in Juno, Optimus, was that they didn't even use the Belle and Sebastian version. Right? Did I dream that. I'm pretty sure that's true. I could tab over and google that sh*t, or I could just keep making vage and unsure assertions.

P.S. Unlike most haters I actually really liked Juno. I swears it.

Posted by: coveredinbees at April 6, 2009 12:17 PM

Britpop's obscure?!

No way. But there may only be five of us around who listen.

Posted by: Cindy at April 6, 2009 12:20 PM

Thanks for the list, y'all! gp I truly wish I could have a buddy with me, that's for sure, but...

slower lower, you've got me thinking that being a puss is ok. Maybe I'll chicken out. I guess I gotta see one to at least give me nightmares.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 6, 2009 12:42 PM

Nightmares, huh? I just spent the afternoon in an emergency room with a 7 and 3 year old. I have enough scary shit happening just with the mom thing. We'll share the title, Kayanne. I'm thinking pink girly mouse ears with a veil attached. We'll embroider "wuss" on it.

Posted by: slower lower at April 6, 2009 7:48 PM

Well, shoot. Who's gonna sing the lead for Nickelback now?

Posted by: ceebee at April 7, 2009 8:31 PM





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