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January 14, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | January 14, 2009 |

I have made my peace with remakes. They’re like Godzilla. You can’t stop them. You can only hope to contain them, until they return to the sea whence they came. Or send a bigger more awful monster after them. The Karate Kid is planning on being Rodan up in the Remake Royal Rumble.

I have absolutely no feelings toward Will Smith’s kid taking over the Ralph Macchio role. Kid’s like milk, he’s not offensively bad, or good. He’s just kind of there. But now there’s talks to have Jackie Chan play Mr. Miyagi. Look. Jackie Chan was, and still is to some slightly arthritic high school reunion cheerleader sense these days, a human fucking fireworks display. His films have no plot, nor did they require one. It was this tiny Asian man bouncing off of shit like a coked-up pinball.

But he can’t act. He has no personality. He’s famous for mispronouncing shit while Chris Tucker squeals or Owen Wilson looks stoned. Pat Morita owned that role. He mangled English ON PURPOSE. Jackie Chan’d be better off playing the Joker in the next Batman movie.

And with the Pink Panther 2 director circling as the possible director, it looks like Columbia’s trying to go full hog in making this a train wreck. My recommendation is they don’t stop there. For the Elizabeth Shue role? At first I wanted to go obvious with Miley Cirus or the lesser Duff, Haylie. Then I thought, why don’t they just cast Elizabeth Shue again? She’s not doing much other than regretting Hamlet 2. But I finally figured it out: Joe Jonas.

For the Cobra Kai dojo? All animatronic gophers. Except the teacher. It needs to be Joe Piscopo. Then it can be a simultaneous double donging of Karate Kid and Sidekicks. In fact, they should just dig up the corpse of Jonathan Brandis and have him play Johnny. Sweep the leg, corpsy! Put him in a body bag!

Too soon? Barry Wary 4eva!

Aiyeeeeeee! / Brian Prisco

Industry | January 14, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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