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Me Hate You Long Time

Aiyeeeeeee! / Brian Prisco

Trade News | January 14, 2009 | Comments (38)

I have made my peace with remakes. They’re like Godzilla. You can’t stop them. You can only hope to contain them, until they return to the sea whence they came. Or send a bigger more awful monster after them. The Karate Kid is planning on being Rodan up in the Remake Royal Rumble.

I have absolutely no feelings toward Will Smith’s kid taking over the Ralph Macchio role. Kid’s like milk, he’s not offensively bad, or good. He’s just kind of there. But now there’s talks to have Jackie Chan play Mr. Miyagi. Look. Jackie Chan was, and still is to some slightly arthritic high school reunion cheerleader sense these days, a human fucking fireworks display. His films have no plot, nor did they require one. It was this tiny Asian man bouncing off of shit like a coked-up pinball.

But he can’t act. He has no personality. He’s famous for mispronouncing shit while Chris Tucker squeals or Owen Wilson looks stoned. Pat Morita owned that role. He mangled English ON PURPOSE. Jackie Chan’d be better off playing the Joker in the next Batman movie.

And with the Pink Panther 2 director circling as the possible director, it looks like Columbia’s trying to go full hog in making this a train wreck. My recommendation is they don’t stop there. For the Elizabeth Shue role? At first I wanted to go obvious with Miley Cirus or the lesser Duff, Haylie. Then I thought, why don’t they just cast Elizabeth Shue again? She’s not doing much other than regretting Hamlet 2. But I finally figured it out: Joe Jonas.

For the Cobra Kai dojo? All animatronic gophers. Except the teacher. It needs to be Joe Piscopo. Then it can be a simultaneous double donging of Karate Kid and Sidekicks. In fact, they should just dig up the corpse of Jonathan Brandis and have him play Johnny. Sweep the leg, corpsy! Put him in a body bag!

Too soon? Barry Wary 4eva!









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Comments

I actually don't care about this story at all, but figured I'd ask this in the most recent post...

...are we getting those Lost recaps again? I just saw a commercial for the new season and remembered how great those posts were. One week bitches!

Posted by: aidan at January 14, 2009 5:49 PM

Excellent call with Piscopo, but Billy Zapka absolutely must come back to reprise his role. This time he is the head of the Cobra Kai and his kids go after Smith. They should have Machio take over the Miyagi role and have him teach Smith to fight back. In the end, its still a Machio/Zabka showdown.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 14, 2009 5:49 PM

Jackie Chan should have stayed doing what he was good at, Drunken Master.

Now Jet Li has the potential to make a good Miyagi. I thought his performance in Indestructable was rather good.

Posted by: admin at January 14, 2009 5:53 PM

L is for Long
O is for On
V is for Vaginal
E is for Entry

That was me showing respect. I would totally see that fucking movie.

Posted by: admin at January 14, 2009 5:59 PM

Jack Black as Mr. Miyagi.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 14, 2009 6:16 PM

Thanks, admin.

One of those words is correct. But which one...

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 14, 2009 6:16 PM

One of those words is correct. But which one...

I bet "is" is correct.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 14, 2009 6:17 PM

Stipe42, that could depend on what the definition of "is" is.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 14, 2009 6:22 PM

I second the LOST recaps.

Pretty please?

Posted by: Jerce at January 14, 2009 6:29 PM

Thirded.

Posted by: jM at January 14, 2009 6:32 PM

Jackie Chan'd be better off playing the Joker in the next Batman movie.
Prisco for the love of god, don't give them ideas.

Chan used to rule now not so much. It's kind of depressing.

Posted by: catag at January 14, 2009 6:39 PM

Just heard that Ricardo Montalban died today!

KHAAANNNN!

Posted by: AlwaysConfused at January 14, 2009 6:46 PM

Jackie Chan'd be better off playing the Joker in the next Batman movie.

Oh he won't be the Joker ... I'm sure there are at least a few horrible racist caricature villains from the Batman comics of the fifties they could dig up for him to play.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 14, 2009 6:47 PM

Cast him as the Riddler. Hearing him try to pronounce his own name would be worth the price of admission alone.

Posted by: hatemail at January 14, 2009 6:52 PM

Sweet Jesus! Please, not this marble mouth. Stymie talks better than this motherfucka.

Posted by: Pookie at January 14, 2009 8:01 PM

I guess there is no mercy in this dojo. My vote for Sensei Kreese is Dietrich Bader. There's nothing like a little Rex Kwon Do to freshen up any remake.

Posted by: bucslim at January 14, 2009 8:09 PM

Jackie Chan'd be better off playing the Joker in the next Batman movie.

Jokie Chan, anyone?

Jackie Chan is....The Liddrer, hatemail?

I'm Asian, I can say it.

Posted by: JapJay at January 14, 2009 9:00 PM

him not funny.

Posted by: Pookie at January 14, 2009 9:21 PM

He has no personality. He's famous for mispronouncing shit while Chris Tucker squeals or Owen Wilson looks stoned.

I disagree on both counts. He does have a personality: he is the kid in elementary school who would jump off the top of the handlebars for attention. Half the time he broke something, but it was fucking entertaining.

He just grew up and made a career out of it, really. And THAT is what he is known for.

And he isn't a bad singer. Of course, that is in Chinese. In English he is fucking terrible.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 14, 2009 9:53 PM

V, we are better off for knowing your thoughts.

Posted by: Pookie at January 14, 2009 10:03 PM

I just wanted to say hi to you crazy motherfuckers, both here and from the Pajiba FB group.

HI MOTHERFUCKERS!

LOVE YA!

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 14, 2009 10:30 PM

Oh and it's funny that I'm reading this now, because my husband hooked up his ipod to the TV and he's playing a bunch of pld ass Shogun episodes.

He just got asked if he prefers a boy in the bedroom and dude got pissed. How progressive for the 70s or 80s or whenever this crazy shit came out.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 14, 2009 10:33 PM

I hate to rip on this one little thing, because this movie is like a buffet of WTF; you hardly know where to begin. But Jackie Chan does Kung Fu, which is superior to karate in every conceivable way.

Does he really need the money?

Posted by: Clee SHay at January 14, 2009 10:54 PM

Sidekicks! Wow, I don't know how I remember that and I didn't think I remembered it. Prisco references so many things, I shouldn't be surprised. It's just like he's in my brain digging up things I shouldn't really worry about knowing. Stop unearthing these things, some things are best forgotten. Next thing I know, he'll be referencing that time out at the gravel pit that my friends and I all promised we'd never talk about and I have tried so hard to forget.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 14, 2009 11:15 PM

Let's hope they don't find a way to fit Carlos Mencia in this mess.

Posted by: George at January 15, 2009 1:15 AM

Nobody should be playing Mr Miyagi except my tenth grade social studies teacher. Sure, he was Filipino not Japanese. But anyone who had ever seen The Karate Kid agreed that if he ever started a class with 'wax on, wax off' it would be the awesomest thing ever.

Dude even taught like Mr Miyagi. His essay writing philosophy was fuckin' awesome and I still use it today.

Posted by: rach at January 15, 2009 3:34 AM

I will NEVER watch anything with will smith's fucking kid in it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 6:30 AM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

L.O.V.E.---you have cast the perfect remake/sequel. I would so see that...I will NOT see this turd.

Although, Jack Black would be great....maybe RDJ can go thru another make-up process to look Asian and be "the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!"

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 15, 2009 8:42 AM

This post just makes me think of one thing:

WITHOUT THE ASIANS IN THE MOVIES
WITHOUT THE ASIANS ON TV
WHO'D PLAY THE GOOFY MATHEMATICIAN
THE COMPUTER TECHNICIAN
A WISE OLD HEALER FROM JAPAN
A SHORT BUT WEALTHY BUSINESSMAN
SELL KOREAN GROCERIES
DO YOUR LAUNDRY THANK YOU, PREASE
WE'RE THE VICTIMS OF A CRIME
WE'LL BE LOVING YOU LONG TIME

Relevant lyrics from my current earworm, "Nobody's Asian in the Movies" from the Dr Horrible Musical Commentary.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 15, 2009 8:42 AM

This is why, although I have a small collection of favorite Jackie Chans on my shelves (Who Am I? - come on, you have to love Who Am I!) I have not seen anything later than Shanghai Noon. I prefer to keep Jackie eternally young, frighteningly rubber-bandy and beautifully bat-shit crazy. Also I quite like him either really badly dubbed or with misspelled subtitles.

Posted by: Megan at January 15, 2009 9:02 AM

Tyler, I watched the musical commentary last night and that may have been my favorite song.

"Weren't you the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz or something?"
"Yeah, but I played the fuck out of that part."

Posted by: Julie at January 15, 2009 10:21 AM

who gives a shit. it's not like anyone on this site is going to see this piece of fecal matter anyway (other than the poor schmuck that rowles assigns to review it).

Posted by: sosumi at January 15, 2009 10:43 AM

#1. Ricardo Montalbalm KHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAANN
#2. Patrick McGoohan I was going to make him #1, but then I realized he HAD to be #2 and always will be.

#3. You know deaths always come in threes. Who's next?

Posted by: BWeaves at January 15, 2009 10:46 AM

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN

KKHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!!


*weeps*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 11:43 AM

(other than the poor schmuck that rowles assigns to review it).

Posted by: sosumi at January 15, 2009 10:43 AM

---------------------------------------------------

I nominate: Vermillion...'natch

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 11:46 AM

I know McGoohan was #6, but in the very end he got to beat Rumpole of the Bailey and be #2 himself and meet #1. It's hard to fight a silo.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 15, 2009 11:46 AM

LOST recaps! I can't wait - can't we just start talking about it now?!?

Posted by: smiley at January 15, 2009 1:07 PM

There, there, Prisco... it's going to be all right. I bet you straight to DVD is how it's gonna be with this one.

Posted by: tallulahc at January 18, 2009 11:23 AM