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Jack Black in Bourne-Inspired Comedy

Clearly, the Recession Hasn’t Hit Studios / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 1, 2008 | Comments (14)

Jack Black — who is absolutely never, ever going to go away — has another movie in development. And while the premise has some potential, the one joke will most likely wear out its welcome before the first half hour. Here it is: Inspired by The Bourne Identity, the untitled comedy will focus on an American who finds himself washed up on the shore of Cuba with no memory of who he is or how he got there. Naturally, he jumps to the conclusion that he’s a Bourne-like superspy, though clearly he is not. So, it’s basically the opposite of The Man Who Knew Too Little, as in: The Man Who Knew Too Much?

The pitch — the pitch, people; a paragraph of words, a bare bones idea, a late night-thought scribbled on a piece of paper — has just been bought for seven figures. For those unfamiliar with math, seven figures means a million dollars or more. For a pitch. A motherfucking pitch, a pitch from Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger, who wrote Jack Black’s recent hit, Panda Raping Love.

You know: I can write a pitch, too. How’s this: Thanks to the oddly worded laws of his home state, a New York man — determined to end his relationship with his fiancée without losing the $2 million engagement ring he bought her — attempts to provoke her into dumping him without cause. In his efforts, the man falls in love with her all over again. But is it too late? Ryan Reynolds will play the lead. Michelle Monaghan will play the romantic interest. Someone from “The Daily Show” will play the best friend.

Where’s my $1 million? I could write pitches all day long.


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Comments

Give it up, Dustin. That ship has sailed.

Posted by: anikitty at October 1, 2008 4:18 PM

I can't even muster an eye roll.

Posted by: Mella at October 1, 2008 4:39 PM

Pitching is awful. It forces writers to be salesmen. Most people in sales are douchebags. Most good writers are not. Most good writers can't pitch and bad writers can because they're smiling, cheese-dicks who got laughs in high school quoting Billy Madison. This is why we see so many bad movies. This is why we will continue to see bad movies.

On an unrelated note.....GO PHILS!

Posted by: Billowing Backpacks at October 1, 2008 4:46 PM


"Tickets will Go on Sale Anyway"

Posted by: firedmyass at October 1, 2008 6:17 PM

Here's one:

A man and a bicycle switch personalities. Together they must overcome the challenges of their new bodies and save the president from falling rocks. Richard Dreyfus and Schwinn Stingray star in the adventure of a lifetime:
BIKE MAN PRESIDENT FALLING ROCKS: THE MOVIE

Posted by: Lucas at October 1, 2008 6:24 PM

Wait, does that release say directed by Harold Ramis? That's a good sign, son. Even with way too much Jack Black involved.

But that is not the biggest issue. You DO NOT. I say, I say, DO NOT post pictures of Jack Black and Kyle Gass together next to a mention of a new movie. I was just elevated and then sack-tapped in the pop-culture equivalent of my testes. God, I'm light headed. You sir, are a criminal. You titillated me with mention of the D then failed to deliver. In fact it was the opposite of delivering, it was like opening a package that was supposed to have your copy of Green Street Hooligans that you've been waiting for weeks to receive only to find that it's a box of dicks. Fat sweaty dicks. Just squirming around in there. Oh God, One just winked at you.
You are a bad man, A very bad man.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 1, 2008 6:29 PM

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Damn you for using that photo. First Eddie Murphy in fat suit, and now this?

DAMN YOU TO HELL. GRR.

Posted by: figgy at October 1, 2008 10:17 PM

I think you rag on Jack Black too much. He's actually talented (and fuck you if you don't like Kung Fu Panda, because that was one of the funniest animated movies in years). Just look at movies like The Holiday (in which he's one of three lead actors out of four that don't suck ass), Tropic Thunder, and even King Kong. I mean, is he god's gift to comedy? No. But this premise could actually be fairly funny, and, if they put some real thought into it, somewhat smart as a way to poke fun at the everyman concept that "anyone can be anything if they believe it". Though, I agree, that's probably not going to happen. I'm just saying, I have some faith in this.

Posted by: Audiosuede at October 1, 2008 11:48 PM

What Audiosuede said. Jack Black goes overseas to jump around and do his time-honoured wacky shit... I'm amazed it hasn't won an MTV award yet.

Posted by: JC at October 2, 2008 2:25 AM

Posted by: Cookie at October 2, 2008 6:09 AM

All I can say is, after Tropic Thunder, I am done watching anything Jack Black is in for a good while. His performance in that was painful. I actually walked out of that movie hating him and wishing him a slow death. That's just not like me.

Posted by: Carrie at October 2, 2008 8:41 AM

Here's a movie:

This guy goes into a gas station to buy a pack of smokes. Then, out of nowhere, NINJAS! There's some shit going on in the middle, but basically, it writes itself.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at October 2, 2008 9:49 AM

Pitch: Editors of a medium-sized movie review site come up with their own pitch for a movie about a medium-sized movie review site. After some early positive buzz from studios, said editors start writing metaphorical and actual checks that they're bodies and bank accounts cannot cash. When the pitch is ultimately rejected as the initial positive buzz was only to put price pressure on the author of a second pitch about a small-to-medium-sized movie review site staffed by topless co-eds, the original pitch-people's lives spiral into a haze of paint-huffing, alleyway blowjobs, and bitter recriminations (probably not in that order). The movie review site editors are played by whoever's cheap. Studio execs are played by an all-star ensemble cast of Robert Redford, a stuffed Paul Newman, and the ghost of Orson Welles' liver. The pitch is voiced by Val Kilmer.

Posted by: ueberbill at October 2, 2008 2:50 PM

Wow, Dustin... I'm going to be the one that says it: that pitch isn't half bad. I don't know if it's 1 Mill not bad, but it's not bad.

How's this pitch? A gorgeous female scientist, who works too much so she doesn't have a boyfriend/husband, accidentally makes a breakthrough in her research. Unfortunately, the Lab she works for wants to keep her breakthrough silent, because another product they make, which is environmentally damaging, would make more money in the long-run. They try to have her killed, but the lovable slacker who was delivering her food when the assassins show up accidentally saves her, and they go on the run together, trying to stay one step ahead of the Lab company, and the government agents who think she killed her assistant. While on the run, they unravel the secrets of her former employer... and of the human heart when they fall in love.

Posted by: Indiebass at October 2, 2008 3:26 PM