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It’s Rashomon’s Turn to Be Remade

I Swear They’re Like Ducks in a Row / Ranylt Richildis

Trade News | September 24, 2008 | Comments (22)

It’s fitting that the word “consortium” is being used to describe the barrel of monkeys prepping to remake Akira Kurosawa’s cinema-altering Rashomon. I guess it takes an international effort (US, Japan and Singapore, in this case) to amass enough balls to do this dirty. “Consortium” calls to mind a rogue lab in a fjord where scientists have spent the last five years distilling elixirs from the egos of brazen remakers like Gus Van Sant, Stephen Soderbergh and Neil LaBute, and selling these juices off by the vial to the creatively bankrupt.

Not that it wasn’t a matter of time, and not that many many many existing films haven’t already re-imagined Rashomon by borrowing its shifting-viewpoint narrative. This time around, the action will be set in current-day America and the movie shot in English (aka Language for Dummies!). No word yet on cast or director. All I know is, a Rashomon without the input of Toshiro Mifune and Kazuo Miyagawa is one Rashomon too many.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go duct-tape Mr. Ranylt to a radiator and break the news to him as gently as possible, before he hears it from some stranger.


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Comments

What the fuckity fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck

Posted by: twig at September 24, 2008 10:13 AM

Wasn't Rashomon already remade? Isn't there a horrible Paul Newman movie from the sixties called The Outrage that attests to how dumb this idea is?

Posted by: gina at September 24, 2008 10:27 AM

*at the Weinstein Company, two executives confer*

*sniff sniiiiiiiiiff* *sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifff*

aaah...so like, McG, right?

Yeah! *High Five*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 24, 2008 10:27 AM

WHA... Gack... There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Posted by: Todd at September 24, 2008 10:45 AM

*Commits seppuku*

Posted by: Macafee at September 24, 2008 10:47 AM

Can't find the strip itself, but here's Evan Dorkin's script:

WORST RASHOMON EVER
Man: The guy with the beard did it.
Woman: It was the guy with the beard. He did it.
Guy with beard: Yeah...it was me...

Posted by: Jay at September 24, 2008 10:48 AM

Thanks Jay, I needed that.

Posted by: twig at September 24, 2008 10:56 AM

Soon they'll run out of classic talkies to remake and they'll start on the silents. Then they'll have the bright idea that the people in the silents can talk instead of emoting. I'm just waiting for "The Little Tramp" with Lindsey Lohan in the leading role.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 24, 2008 11:09 AM

Ok, I have a question based on Paddy Dog's last statement.

As far as I know, apart from the general paparazzi-ness that takes pictures of everyone everywhere ever, The Lohan hasn't been up to much of anything as of late.

So what's the Statute of Limitations on being mean to celebrities? Or do they have to 'prove themselves' (hello, Ben Affleck) before they stop being the punchline of every joke?

And is Rainbow Killer permanently exempt?

Posted by: twig at September 24, 2008 11:39 AM

It's the lull before the inevitable Big Comeback, followed by the inevitable Academy Award. If the public loves anything more than knocking celebs off a pedestal, it's putting them back up.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 24, 2008 11:55 AM

I have to go duct-tape Mr. Ranylt to a radiator

Wow, Ranylt, that's a pretty kinky way of breaking bad news! It might be doubly cruel if you not only get his hopes up for some fun then drop this on him!

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 24, 2008 12:21 PM

Fuck No! These cocksuckers have no shame. None whatsoever. You know what? They proved they do not listen. Not to rational pleas, not to death threats. So let them make their fucking remakes. I will not watch them nor will their cinematic crimes be able to take classics such as Rashomon away from me.

Posted by: Arthur Dent at September 24, 2008 2:00 PM

When information like this becomes available, I wish for a division of murdertanks, some with stealth technology. Even if this is done with the upmost care and cinema know-how, it is just something that should not be done. My only hope is that it will bring the original to light for the public that does not know about it.
But what I really think that has happened is giving the Japanese another reason to bomb Peral Harbor. Yes there are Japanese in this "Consortium," I believe that they will see the collateral damage as acceptable and take them out anyway.

Posted by: richmac at September 24, 2008 2:09 PM

Well, shoot me in the face.

Posted by: michelle at September 24, 2008 2:33 PM

I was just telling someone that they should go see Rashomon. Now they'll find out there's a remake and watch that instead. It's like that time a teenaged girl told me that watching Clueless was like reading a Jane Austen book. Noooo!!!

And why must they always be in America? Like movies set in America are so underrepresented? Words fail.

Posted by: lilah012 at September 24, 2008 2:51 PM

a Rashomon without the input of Toshiro Mifune and Kazuo Miyagawa

Not to mention the radiant, sorrowful, and oddly-eyebrowed Machiko Kyo....

Posted by: sansho1 at September 24, 2008 3:12 PM

It looks like it's murdertank o'clock.

Posted by: Joe at September 24, 2008 3:50 PM

They should remake Seven Samurai! Either with Cowboys or Bugs.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 24, 2008 3:54 PM

Excuse me if I sound culturally insensitive, but I think I'll go commit sepuku now. If anyone needs me I'll be in the corner, bleeding out of my stomach.

Avenge me!

Posted by: Armando at September 24, 2008 4:00 PM

Jesusfuckingno.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at September 25, 2008 1:09 AM

If I refuse to acknowledge that it exists, it doesn't right?

Cool.

Kurosawa / Mifune '08

Posted by: Bierce "Package Wichita" Ambrose at September 25, 2008 4:07 AM

With senseless remake after senseless remake for so many years, my fuming and screaming had become an embittered, defeated shrug (except for Suspiria).

But this? This is honestly hurtful. Hurtful and confounding. Anyone who loves movies enough to love Rashomon would never go to see this. So what audience are they hoping for?

Posted by: Amanda H. at September 25, 2008 4:12 PM