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Too bad you can’t get nourishment from bad acting

…so lonely / Seth Freilich

Trade News | January 8, 2009 | Comments (23)

Seth: HELLLOOO? … Helllooo? … hellooo? …’ellooo? …ooo?

Seth: HELP! … Elp! … elp!

Some Guy: Hey buddy, you doing ok?

Seth: What do you think?! …think?! … ‘ink?!

Some Guy: What happened, man?

Seth: I fell into this fucking canyon, dip shit! …shit! …’it!

Some Guy: Uhm, take a look around, friend. You’re not in no canyon.

[Seth looks around and realization dawns]

Seth: Can it be? Am I? Hey! … ey! .. ey! Am I where I think I am? …am? … am? How can this be? …be? …ee?

Some Guy: Yes. You are where you think you are. Turns out she’s back and will be appearing on the CW’s “90210.”

Seth: FUCK! …UCK! … Uck! …uck!

[Two weeks later, Some Guy stops while walking down the street to read a headline]

“Former TV critic Seth Freilich found dead of starvation stuck in the massively freakish cavern between Tori Spelling’s knockers.”

Some Guy: Guess I shoulda helped that guy out. Ah well.


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Comments

Heh, it was a tossup between that and Shannon Doherty's slack-lipped cunyon. (Rhymes with "Funyun")

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 8, 2009 9:34 AM

"Former TV critic Seth Freilich found dead of starvation stuck in the massively freakish cavern between Tori Spelling's knockers."

I thought that you were going in a completely different direction with this, but I'm hoping that no one has encountered a Special Valley that produces echoes. *shudders*

The return of Violet Bickerstaff!

Posted by: branded at January 8, 2009 9:35 AM

...massively freakish cavern between Tori Spelling's knockers.

Thanks Seth. I didn't want that breakfast anyway.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 9:37 AM

SETH!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*pounds fist dramatically on the desk*

Goddamnit, he needed us! And where were we?! We were making fun of McG being a McRetard! Well fuck this and fuck McG...I'm going in and retrieving the body.

*put on mining helmet, straps on a jetpack*

Maybe he'll have a nice watch I can take as a souvenir. You know, to honor his memory or some shit like that.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 9:41 AM

That explains why people call out "Echoes" when I'm walking down the street. I always thought they just really dug Pink Floyd. I'm disappointed, yet strangely flattered.

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 9:46 AM

Mike R., we're branching out into cable tv. Our first show will be:

Mike R: Cleavage Spelunker.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 9:46 AM

Seth, if you needed the money, you should have begged for it like Vermillion. Your friends here at Pajiba would have tried to keep you from doing such a depraved act for funds. We would have made you do other depraved acts, however, but there's a good chance those would involve food.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 9:49 AM

Mike R., we're branching out into cable tv. Our first show will be:

Mike R: Cleavage Spelunker.

Start the opening credits in with a close shot of Mike precariously climbing around, cut to wide shot of tiny Mike scaling Salma Hayek's twin peaks. Love it. We should get Mike Rowe to narrate.

Posted by: branded at January 8, 2009 9:53 AM

Admin...genius once more! Congratulations, you'll be the head of Horrendous Television! Oh, 2009 is going to be a bright, shining year for us!

Week 1 will be the retrieval operation in Spelling Canyons.

Week 2 will consist of a scenic flyby of (Rosario)Dawson's Creek!

Week 3 will send us to Fey Ridge, where everything is funnier and not to mention prettier.

But the heartstopper will be in Week 4, where we'll encounter a harrowing life or death cliffhanger at...Anderson's Points!

Admin...you magnificent bastard.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 9:58 AM

Mike R: Cleavage Spelunker.

Oh. My. God. LOVES IT! Seriously, can we shop that around? I'd love to turn on the Discovery Channel and see Mike R. waist deep in boobage.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 8, 2009 9:59 AM

Now wait a second, who was supposed to be Seth's wingman on this? C'mon, fess up and take the abuse!

Posted by: Xtreme at January 8, 2009 10:30 AM

Branded, you just came up with our two hour sweeps special, "A Journey to the Twin Peaks of Hayek". I'd like to see the big networks top THAT!

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 11:07 AM

I'm not sure about week 4 Mike R. I don't know if we'll be able to get insurance for the production since the trek is so wrought with peril. In the event that we do produce that episode we will have to be extremely careful to avoid Hepatitis Gulch. We know it is hazerdous but we really can't speculate on what might be living there. Could be nothing, could be the dreaded Balded Beaver Yeti.

Also consider that due to the massive pressure of the mountains internal tectonics, they may erupt at any time. Your safety is our number two priority.

We must have Mike Rowe branded. He should also make guest appearances when things get "dirty".

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 11:19 AM

I came here to post about Tori Spelling starring in Mask 2: Rocky's Sister got tha Big-Face, but got totally distracted by the mention of Selma Hayek's remarkable tittayz.

So to get back on track: Tori Spelling is monstrous and appalling, y'all.

Posted by: firedmyass at January 8, 2009 11:35 AM

Admin and Mike R need to become heads of TV Studios...right. fucking. now.

I love you guys. I was thinking of something funny to write but...oh boy why bother now.

CLEAVAGE SPELUNKER! NOW ON ABC ALL BOOB THURSDAYS!

Posted by: figgy at January 8, 2009 12:44 PM

You mean...you mean we can get rid of a whole NIGHT of ABC's line up? Normally, I'd say I'll go to Fox since I think one of the requirements in order to watch ABC is posession of a vagina, but then you bring me...THIS!

CLEAVAGE SPELUNKER! NOW ON ABC ALL BOOB THURSDAYS!

This not only SINKS Grey's Anatomy, but gives us an evening where not only will Cleavage Spelunker will air, but "Sofia's Lesbian Vampire Catholic School Girl Slumber Party Chronicles: The Series" will be an Emmy award winning lead in!

Figgy, I think I could kiss you after that, or at the very least offer a cigar and a vigorous handshake. Of course, Admin needs to approve this all...this project is his baby. I merely plunge headfirst into the danger and the wonderment.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 1:03 PM

Ahahahahaha. See? You understood me perfectly. It's beautiful.

We could also have a special half-hour live RATE MY RACK ON ABC. The girls could come by and wear different outfits to um, display themselves, and we could get a trio of judges. One of them would be Lorenzo Lamas.

Let's make out.

Posted by: figgy at January 8, 2009 1:07 PM

Figs, gotta get the Hoff in on that. He's out of work, and Knight Rider's gonna shit itself when we go to air. Here's how I thought we could game this out:

8 - 8:30: Sofia's...
8:30 - 9: Rate My Rack (Live)
9 - 11: Clevage Spelunker
11: The Nudes..er, News.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 1:13 PM

Everything's a go! But I get to be the first special guest judge on Rate My Rack. As special guest judge I will have to rate racks blindfolded and by touch and taste alone. You know, to make it more difficult for me. I am a connoisseur after all.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 2:43 PM

Just make sure when you run out of ideas to include any show featuring Michael Lohan's camel balls.

Posted by: david at January 8, 2009 3:10 PM

This is the beginning of something beautiful.

Posted by: figgy at January 8, 2009 3:35 PM

I like it, I saw many info. on ***seekingsugarmomma. c om***. Very funny site. Like it so much!!!

Posted by: nina at January 9, 2009 1:43 AM

Dear Nina,

Thank you for your interest in appearing on Rate My Rack. Please send a resume and photos of your rack to:

Admin
246 Iwannagetmotorboated Lane
DoubleD, SK
(o)(o)

In an effort to save you some money, the show will accept photos that do not show your face. In fact, we insist on it, it will only distract our review panel.

Sincerely,
Executive producer

Posted by: admin at January 9, 2009 8:46 AM