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It Swims, It Kills, It's Out There!

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (22)

500x_swampshark.jpg

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bayou…

Never mind those pesky gators - they’re being chomped up faster than you can say, “This isn’t a normal shark. It swims, it kills and it’s out there!” Wait, what? What the hell does a normal shark do? New tagline please.

But I don’t need to tell you any more about what fun can be had with the swamp version of Jaws. All you need to know about Swamp Shark is:

a) It’s cheesetastic
b) It stars Kristy Swanson, D.B. Sweeney and a gruff Robert Davi as the poor man’s Chief Brody.
c) Shaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrkkkkkkk!

And now, I present to you without commercial interruption and yet the seemingly needless appearance of a semi, the Swamp Shark trailer.










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Comments

Hi.

I'm the Lawyer for the shark from the original Jaws movie.

My client just called and told SyFy to go die and that it would like it's namesake back.

Thank you.

Mr. Sharkstin.

Posted by: The Lawyer at August 4, 2010 5:05 PM

"This isn't a normal shark. It swims, it kills!"

You know, unlike other sharks.

By the way, Judge Vaughn Walker just told Prop 8 to suck his dick. Who gets to gay marry Swamp Shark? I'll go with Robert Davi - he looks the most like a shark.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 4, 2010 5:16 PM

Dear Swamp Shark,

This is an order to cease and desist on behalf of our client, the original Swamp Thing, on the grounds of trademark, copyright infringement and derivative works. Your client is so ordered on grounds of:

- Exclusivity. There can be only one "Swamp whatever."

- Preemption. By claiming to be the (swamp) thing, our client preempts any and all specific swamp things. Note that this claim also extends to all "things". (Dropping the Charlie Sheen / Wild Thing action is a special case because, well, he skeeved even us out.)

- Intellectual Property: This ripping off themes, images or tag lines from other works has got to stop. (Even if it is better.)

Our client indicates that he/she/it is open to negotiations of a potential double-bill (provided he/she/it gets top billing). Barring that, we quote:

"You tell that shark to bite me. Seriously. Tell old fangy mc-teeth to bring it on. What's he gonna do to me. I'm fucking algae."

Regards,

Slime, Moss, Ferns & Assoc.

Posted by: Slime, Moss, Ferns & Assoc. at August 4, 2010 5:25 PM

3 things:
How can DB Sweeny say that with a straight face?
I want to see the outtakes on this.
We are safe, we are on a muthafuckin' BOAT. *cue bad song here*
I'll prolly watch this as I have nothing better to do.
SAD

Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at August 4, 2010 5:49 PM

Look at that little bitch. Motherfucker didn't even take down a plane or tear apart a bridge or fuck up an Octopus. Get back at me when you grow some teeth Swamp Bitch!

Posted by: Mega Shark at August 4, 2010 5:53 PM

I'm trying to apply logic and it's not working.

Dammit! IT'S NOT WORKING!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Posted by: Fredo at August 4, 2010 6:20 PM

omg robert davi!!! has beaverplatz seen this yet?! HAS SHE?!

Posted by: gp at August 4, 2010 6:22 PM

Maaaan I got all excited when I thought it was Kirk Cameron in that screen grab.

Posted by: JenVegas at August 4, 2010 6:42 PM

We're going to need a bigger..no, actually this is a standard shark. The boat we have is fine. Didn't the woman with the truck pull out an assault rifle? I think the swamp shark reign of terror is gonna be about 12 minutes long. The rest of the 90 minutes will just be swamp shark recipies-

There's swamp shark scampi, deep fried swamp shark, swamp shark po' boy, swamo shark on a stick, swamp shark Fra Diablo, swamp shark tartar, swamp shark gumbo...

Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 4, 2010 7:05 PM

OH MAH GAH

Robert Davi + original flava Buffy + horrifying murderous beast + giant semi =

HAPPIEST BEAVERGIRL ALIVE.

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at August 4, 2010 7:21 PM

Kristy Swanson should just be naked all the time.

Posted by: Case at August 4, 2010 7:42 PM

"Kristy Swanson should just be naked all the time."
Underneath her clothing, she is.
Of course, so is Sarah Jessica Parker, so there's that.

Posted by: clocker at August 4, 2010 7:54 PM


^^^^^^^^^^^^ Cougarmony. C O M ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An attractive woman in her 30's or 40's who is on the hunt once again. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She will not play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you. Associated with milfs...

Posted by: cuttiebabe123 at August 4, 2010 8:35 PM

"End state, she will be going for the kill, just like you"

Did spambot just hit on Swamp Shark? Is that the robots insidious plan,to breed with SYFY monsters and wipe out the humans? Ohhh, good plan spambot. Point for you.

Posted by: mrcreosote at August 4, 2010 9:01 PM

HAPPIEST BEAVERGIRL ALIVE.

Is it wrong that I hear Rodney Dangerfield saying everybody is going to get laid when this happens?

Posted by: Vermillion at August 4, 2010 9:59 PM

I think I would be swimming a leeetle faster if I were her.... I can't even tell you how much joy the SyFy Channel brings me.

Posted by: nancy at August 4, 2010 10:42 PM

Are Kristy Swanson's boobs getting their own mention in the credits? Because they should.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 5, 2010 8:29 AM

Kristy Swanson should be STAKING the damn shark, not shooting it. Wimp. Remember your heritage!

Posted by: BWeaves at August 5, 2010 9:25 AM

What happened to DB Sweeney's career that he's in a SyFy movie with Kristy Swanson -- and he doesn't even get top billing?

Posted by: jimbob at August 5, 2010 10:10 AM

I'm sick of these muthafucking sharks in this muthafucking swamp! I really hope that sentence makes the DVD R-Rated cut that will only be released in my mind.

And Kristy Swanson looks so hot carrying a short barrel AR. Shoot on full auto so I can see 'em bounce!

Posted by: the EPA at August 5, 2010 10:36 AM

I want that house boat!

Posted by: Booyah at August 6, 2010 1:43 PM

How sad is it that not only does DB Sweeney get 3rd billing, they didn't even spell his last name right?????? Sweeney!!! Not SweeNY! Jeesh. Nobody puts Doug Dorsey in a corner.

Posted by: Luka at August 7, 2010 10:01 PM