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September 7, 2007 | Comments ()


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Is That a Pajiba in Your Pants? Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 7, 2007 | Comments ()


Today we’re going to start out by dismissing a scurrilous, heinously ugly rumor floating around these webernets. We talked previously about Rawson Thurber’s (Dodgeball) upcoming big-screen no short-shorts-or-bushy-moustaches adaptation of Magnum P.I. And, while some of you are probably cold to the idea of yet another television remake, I’m willing to give this one the benefit of the doubt, if only because of the scantest of possibilities that Steve the Pirate will make a crossover appearance (c’mon, Mr. Thurber — the world will never get its fill of Steve the Pirate) and Rip Torn will throw wrenches at Higgins. Anyway, one site picked up on a rumor and, as tends to happen to movie blogs who’ve run out of creative ways feature glossy semi-nude photographs of starletards and are desperate to fill their daily post quota, others began to pick up on it, so that by early this week it had all but been made official: Nicolas Cage would be the next Magnum P.I.

Well, not that they actually give a shit — having already moved on to the umpteenth entry about Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition so that they could throw in a giant-sized thumbnail of Ms. Simpson in her Daisy Dukes — but, the joke’s on them. This is what happens in Hollywood, see: Some big-ass Hollywood pillcock — hoping to have a face party on the nets — calls up his PR lady, gets her to plant a rumor, and then hangs out and waits to see what sticks. But, the truth is, from what I hear from a very reliable source (a friend who has a sister who slept with a guy who used to serve coffee to an assistant over at Universal Pictures), the script hasn’t even been completed and Mr. Cage doesn’t know shinola from Ghost Rider. So, chillax. Ease your fears. If someone is gonna fuck up your fond associations of Mr. P.I., it ain’t gonna be Nic Cage.

However, what is certain, as can only be expected after a intensely awesome indie horror flick is largely ignored in theaters and later finds an adoring audience on DVD, is that there will be a sequel to The Descent. Likewise, the script has not been completed, but more upsetting is that the original’s director, Neil Marshall, will not return to the director’s chair. However, like any good director, Marshall wants the financial rewards of a sequel without actually having to have his name closely associated with an inferior product, so he will be producing and the first film’s editor, Jon Harris, will make his directorial debut. Given the first film’s premise, the best we can hope for in a Descent 2 is an exact duplicate of the first, with flavor-of-the-moment actors, no feminist bent, and mainstream accessible American accents. Joy.

In other news the webernet denizers were duped into writing, Larry Wachowski is not now Lana Wachowski, as has been reported damn near everywhere. He’s still happily married to a woman that beats him senseless and, though he has been looking mighty feminine lately, his junk is still in order. Please, change your address books back to their original state.

Check out this cast: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Dan Futterman, Brian Dennehy, John Lequizamo, and Carla Gugino. And, am I the only one that’s only really excited about Carla Gugino? I think that’s just how far DeNiro and Pacino have fallen in recent years. Granted, DeNiro was great in Stardust but only because his character was the last thing you’d expect from DeNiro. But, if you take out Donnie Brasco and Angels in America, the last time that these two were in a really great movie was the last time they shared the screen, in Heat. That was 12 years ago. Well, I wouldn’t expect too much from this particular film, called Righteous Kill, if only because it comes from writer Russell Gewirtz — whose Inside Man was a cool disappointment — and director Jon Avnet, whose dry streak is even longer than DeNiro and Pacino’s. Carla Gugino, on the other hand: Consistently smokin’.

Elsewhere, Scott Rudin has bought the film rights to I, Claudius and some undisclosed parties (read: Leo’s PR folks) think that Leonardo DiCaprio would make a good lead, though no offers have been made. Here’s me making absolutely no attempt to pull my ass out of this chair to go see it when it makes it to your local multiplex. This movement even comes with a sound effect; let’s call it: The Negative Whoosh.

This weekend, we’re going to bring you reviews of 3:10 to Yuma, Shoot ‘Em Up and Brothers Solomon. And while I appreciate the many of you who nag us in the comment section on Fridays for reviews of certain films, please keep in mind our reviewing policy and rest assured, we’ll get it up as soon as humanly possible. The summer season is over, so the bastards at Regal Cinemas have taken away the pre-noon screenings, at least until the holiday season arrives.

However, until the reviews start popping up on the site this afternoon, you can chew on the trailer for the next Frank Darabount adaptation of a Stephen King film, The Mist. I like Thomas Jane and Darabount gets one more free pass, but I have to say, unless this is a television movie, I’m not feeling it.

And, if after watching that trailer, you find yourself looking for a timesuck this morning, check out the The Juggernaut, from VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture blog. We don’t condone VH1’s new association with Perez Hilton, but — what can I say — the “World Series of Pop Culture” is kind of great.


11th Hour, The | Shoot 'Em Up


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