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December 19, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | December 19, 2008 |

I realize that, just yesterday, I got annoyed with the ridiculous casting rumors swirling around The Dark Knight sequel, but let’s be honest. I love casting rumors. They generate conversation around here. I just think it’s important that the website purveyors indicate that they are rumors and not suggest there is a lot of truth to them, unless there is, though there is nothing worse than backing up your rumors with quotes from an unnamed producer in Hollywood who off-handedly remarks, “I bet Johnny Depp would be good as The Riddler.” That’s not a casting rumor. That’s not even a fucking rumor. That’s some schlub’s opinion, so don’t append that obnoxious question mark headline to it: “Johnny Depp as The Riddler?” Fuck you. Also, please avoid the use of the word, “scoop.” There’s absolutely no better way to discredit yourself and your story than by calling it a scoop. Scoop = Made-up Shit.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes: The folks over on Latino Review came up with these rumors, which they claim came from a “new source” (note: “reliable” and “new” are not interchangeable). The source reveals that Tim Robbins will be cast as Howard Stark in Iron Man 2, replacing some dude who only appeared as Stark’s father in a montage in the first movie.

Moreover, the bigger (possibly true, possibly not) news is that Hawkeye and Black Widow will be a part of the story. I don’t know how these people are, but if you look up Hawkeye on Wikipedia, you get a fairly good idea what the 2nd Iron Man plotline could be if (as well as the subsequent Avengers movie), in fact, Hawkeye and Black Widow are involved:

On the run, the naive Hawkeye meets the Black Widow, a spy for the Soviet Union, whom he falls in love with. She tricks him into helping her to steal technology developed by Tony Stark, Iron Man’s alter ego. After several battles with Iron Man — who defeats the pair on every occasion — the Black Widow is injured and Hawkeye flees with her, deciding to go “straight” from then on. Hawkeye later “applies” for membership in the superhero team the Avengers, by breaking into the Avengers Mansion and binding and gagging the team’s butler, Edwin Jarvis. Hawkeye is accepted, and together with leader Captain America and mutant siblings Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch become the new team when the original members take a leave of absence.

And there you go — I’ve just revealed the entire plot to Iron Man 2 and The Avengers movie, and it must be true, because you’re reading it on the Internet, and I sourced Wikipedia therefore these rumors are confirmed and double-binded in Wikitruth. Go tell all your friends that you were the first to know. Oh, and Rumer Willis will play Black Widow. You heard it here first.

Give Me a Scotch. I'm Starving. / Dustin Rowles

Industry | December 19, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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