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I'm Only A Dolphin, Ma'am: Killer Sharks, Elvis Costello, And Other News For You To Swallow Whole

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (17)

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Hello there, you cretinous masses of worthless goo. Here’s a few things for you to read before getting back to your miserable, worthless existences.

Remember how some of us were sort of excited, or at least interested, after watching the newest Transformers: Dark Of The Moon trailer? Well, never let it be said that Michael Bay won’t find a way to let you down. If you’ve watched the first two movies, you know that Baynis has an inexplicable link with nu-metal buffoons Linkin Park, a band who you could probably add up their entire discography to make maybe one half-decent album (not counting Collision Course, which is actually quite good but mostly because of Jay-Z and Mike Shinoda). Anyway, here’s the soundtrack listing. It’s an absolute shit show:

1. Linkin Park - Iridescent
2. Paramore - Monster
3. My Chemical Romance - The Only Hope For Me Is You
4. Taking Back Sunday - Faith
5. Staind - The Bottom
6. Art Of Dying - Get Thru This
7. Goo Goo Dolls - All That You Are
8. Theory Of A Deadman - Head Above Water
9. Black Veil Brides - Set The World On Fire
10. Skillet - Alive & Awake (Remix)
11. Mastodon - Just Got Paid (ZZ Top cover)

Oof. Other than the Mastodon track at the end, that is a fucking nightmare. To make up for the rest of that mess, here it is. It’s not their best work, but it’s certainly the best part of that list:

To make things a little better, the Lone Scherfig-directed romance One Day has much more potential, soundtrack-wise. Songwriter extraordinaire and Rowlesian idol Elvis Costello wrote a new song, “Sparkling Day,” exclusively for the movie. This is a good thing.(via The Playlist)

Here’s the trailer for Kidnapped, written and directed by Miguel Angel Vivas. The story isn’t anything new, but the execution looks pretty damn intense and well-crafted. Unfortunately, the trailer is dubbed, but if you can get past that, it’s worth your time.

Oh, fine. Here’s a non-subtitled one. Don’t say I never gave you anything, you brats.

Wanna see my favorite movie poster of the week? Here’s the one for Shark Night 3D. It’s everything a great B-horror movie poster should be, and I gaurantee I’ll watch the ass off of it. Mainly because I like to see sharks tear shit up. And, yeah, bikinis don’t hurt. (Click to enlarge)

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Finally, by now many of you have seen Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch, despite my warnings. I watched it because it’s my job. What’s your fucking excuse? Anyway, the DVD will, unsurprisingly, be a “Director’s Cut,” otherwise known as “will include shit that will make it even more cumbersome and inane.” It’ll have an additional 18 minutes of footage, will be rated R, and will still suck moldering goat balls.

See you in hell.









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Comments

Oh dear! You said something nice about Elvis Costello. Now AIPAC is going to call for a boycott of Pajiba.

Posted by: PaddyDog at May 25, 2011 11:34 AM

The shark scares me.

I will now go hide under my bed.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at May 25, 2011 11:40 AM

Normally, when I see something as scary as the shark poster I chant to myself "calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean". I don't think that will help in this instance.

Posted by: Scarecrow Julien at May 25, 2011 11:43 AM

Ummmm, candygram.

Posted by: admin at May 25, 2011 11:47 AM

@admin: O you're that clever landshark aren't youuuu?

Anywayyyy. I live in the land of bikinis, surfers and ocean activities. I HATE sharks. I hate the idea of sharks. And I swear I will kill and torture (in whatever order) the person who shows my kids the movie Jaws. I will. I will kill you.

Posted by: klingonfree at May 25, 2011 12:02 PM

"Flowers, ma'am."

Posted by: MM at May 25, 2011 12:06 PM

Man, after I saw Jaws I used to get scared in lakes. Lakes! And I was 18!

Posted by: The Mutt at May 25, 2011 12:07 PM

It's clearly daytime in the shark poster, so I don't really understand this "Shark Night" business.

Also, because I am a huge shark nerd, I will point out that the teeth of that shark don't look right. I'm guessing it's supposed to a great white, but if so its teeth are too narrow.

Posted by: Todd at May 25, 2011 12:18 PM

They look like a cross between a Sand Tiger and Mako shark. God I hope they don't go for the "killer Great White" angle. There are other species of eating machines you Hollywood pricks!

Posted by: admin at May 25, 2011 12:32 PM

Looks like a cross between a Great White and a Mako. That is one nasty set of teeth. Here's the IMDB description: A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to fresh-water shark attacks.

So I'm guessing they are going with Bull sharks? Which don't look anything like that. Shark Night seems to be taking the Piranha/Deep Blue Sea approach by making the animals some kind of fantasy nonsense.

Does anyone else get Christopher Sarrandon's voice in your head saying "Welcome to Fright Night!" every time you read the "Shark Night" title?

Posted by: TylerDFC at May 25, 2011 12:55 PM

Oh yes it's Shark Night
It's gonna eat you right
Girls are such a treat
They are the world's best meat
SHARK NIGHT!!

Posted by: meh at May 25, 2011 1:04 PM

Shark Night's gonna be great, here's a scene: http://tinyurl.com/386s29q

Posted by: the new transported man at May 25, 2011 1:08 PM

Hollywood is well known for being Sharkist, admin. Don't act like it's not true.

Posted by: Ian at May 25, 2011 1:32 PM

Hey I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that leg. I'm gonna eat that other one too. Ooh, I can see right up them boy shorts. I gots a whole buncha rows of teeth to chew you with. Dunnah dunnah dunnah. Oop now wait a minute I did ave a chubby kid on a rift earlier for breakfast today. But y'know, it's okay I've been swimming around a lot today.

*CHOMP

MMMMMMMMMMMM-Yummy.

Lots of people swimmin' up there. I could pig out if I wanted to. But I'm watching my weight cuz I don't wanna spend the 4th of July Weekend alone again. Plus I ate a dog yesterday and now I have a bone stuck in my anus.

Posted by: bleujayone at May 25, 2011 2:20 PM

It’s not their best work, but it’s certainly the best part of that list

Indeed. On both counts. I love Mastodon but that was really beneath them. They could have recorded that in their sleep.

Posted by: Paultera at May 25, 2011 2:25 PM

"Oh, the Shark has
Pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them
Pearly white ..."

Okay, I'll stop now.

"It’ll have an additional 18 minutes of footage, will be rated R, and will still suck moldering goat balls."

And here I thought you'd said 'smoldering goat balls.' There's a subtle difference; when they're smoldering, they get a smoky savor to them.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 25, 2011 2:34 PM

All I could think of after the dolphin comment was the gay dolphin sex portion of Ricky Gervais' stand up. The part with one dolphin fucking another dolphin's blowhole? I may need to buy that book one day.

Posted by: Nicolae at May 27, 2011 7:14 AM