March 20, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | March 20, 2008 |


Word on the nets is that MGM hasn’t quite filled its stupid little lion face full of remakes, so they’re planning to bring back Officer Alex J. Murphy in a reboot of the Robocop franchise. I haven’t actually seen Robocop since I was a teenager, and I fear that re-watching it now will be akin to the experience of watching “Dukes of Hazard” reruns in adulthood: The cheese will have congealed and molded over, so all you’re left with is the exsiccated remains of your childhood memories. In fact, I’m just now realizing that the original Robocop was a satire — who knew? No details have been released about the movie (in fact, the only evidence that it’s in the works comes from a tiny mention in an MGM press release regarding the next year’s releases). I have an idea, however: In an effort to combine two fond, but fairly blurry childhood memories into one easily digestible sack of dried cinematic testes, maybe MGM could combine the remake of Robocop with a big-screen adaptation of the television show “Small Wonder.” Instead of creating Viki the Robot, Ted Lawson could conjure up Robomaid, who can do housework at superhuman speeds and shoot a cop killer in the face. Now, that’s a movie I’d pay to see.

In other robot-ish related news, there’s more details about the upcoming fourth Terminator film — you remember, the one directed by (fucking) McG and starring Pajiba pretty boy Christian Bale as John Conner? First, it will no longer be called Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. As of right now, it’s known as Untitled Terminator Project, but I get the sense that they won’t go to the presses with that one. And in cool but kind of weird news, Anton Yelchin (Charlie Bartlett) has been cast to play Kyle Reese, the character you may remember as the guy who travelled back in time in the original Terminator to save the young John Connor from the bad Schwarzenegger terminator. In the fourth installment, Kyle Reese will be a teenager, while John Connor will be in his 30s (obvs.). However, in news damn near awful enough to quell my enthusiasm for the sequel, Paul (motherfucking dick-in-a-light-socket) Haggis has been recruited to work on the script. You know what that means, don’t you? Sickly love story. In a Terminator movie. My advice: Find one of those errant nails sticking out of your walls at home and ram your forehead into it. Hard.

And in keeping with the sequel theme, Sylvester Stallone is contemplating another Rambo film. He’s working on the script, but this one will be different. Stallone told some Swedish newspaper, “”I would like to take Rambo to another genre, experiment a little with the character. It would definitely not be another war movie.” Well, great — maybe Stallone can also recruit Haggis to co-write, and he could do a Rambo romantic comedy. Throw in a speed-dating musical montage in which Rambo pops his reject’s heads like a pimple to an emo-version of “Pop Goes the Weasel,” and you got yourself a goddamn hit. Or, to continue the First Blood and First Blood Part II naming theme, maybe in the romantic comedy Rambo settles down with a hormonally psychotic femme fatale (Sharon Stone?) and they can call it: Rambo Part V: Menstrual Blood (*sorry*).

A few months ago, Dan wrote up an item on Jennifer’s Body, but at the time, no one really knew who Diablo Cody was, so I bring the news to you again, this time with added details and a fresh perspective. The movie, which reunites Cody with her Juno director Jason Reitman (who is producing), is about a (quirky) cheerleader who is possessed by a (quirky) demon and starts to feed off the (quirky) boys in her (quirky) Minnesota farm town. Her (quirky) best friend Needy (yep — how’s that for a quirky name) played by Amanda Seyfried, must take drastic measures to save the town. Megan Fox — vapid, talentless, Maxim mainstay — will play Jennifer (fun fact: Megan Fox is engaged to Brian Austin Green). Karyn Kusama (Girlfight) will direct, and Adam Brody and J.K. Simmons have recently been attached, the former as the frontman for an up-and-coming rock band with a penchant for evil, and the latter as a high-school English teacher.

How’s that for a mixed bag?

Moving onto the trailer watch, first up is Tropic Thunder. Last week, I showed you a tiny teaser trailer, but in the week since, a full-length one arrived. It absolutely kills me to say that a Ben Stiller movie (he stars and directs) looks kind of hilarious (especially one that co-stars Jack Black), but if the trailer is any indication, Robert Downey, Jr. will fucking own this film. Color me atwitter.

It’s not all good news, however. Despite a stellar cast that includes Meryl Streep, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and a very nicely tanned Amanda Seyfriend, the trailer for Mamma Mia makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out, throw them against a wall, and drop them in a vat of battery acid.

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I'll Buy That for a Pajiba!

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 20, 2008 | Comments ()



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