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TK OUT!

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (13)

ryan-seacrest-shark-2.jpg

Someone needs to slap Garry Marshall in the fucking mouth. The director of some of the most mawkish, dull, uninspired and treacly films of all time is on the rampage this time. After striking gold with films like Beaches and Pretty Woman — not great films in retrospect, but acclaimed at the time — he’s resigned himself to pumping out absolute romantic dramedy trash for years now — The Princess Diaries 1 & 2, Georgia Rule, Runaway Bride, and his most egregious ensemble piece Valentine’s Day.

Well, he’s back with both the ensemble piece and the holiday themes, this time with New Year’s Eve, due out later this year. It stars basically the entire world — Robert Deniro, Lea Michelle, Ashton Kutcher, Sofia Vergara, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin… it just goes on and on and on. Well, now he’s about to add two more pieces to his shit covered puzzle — Ice Cube and… Ryan Seacrest.

Jesus.

Cube, I’ve given up on. As much respect as I have for his early music, the man is clearly a pod person now. Seacrest, I don’t actually believe was ever a real person. He’s some sort of douchesnausage robot sent from the future to bring about the apocalypse. Oh, and he plays himself in the film.

What’s the film about, you ask? Who gives a shit? Oh, fine:

The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of New Year’s Eve. It’s supposed to be a sort of spiritual sequel to Valentine’s Day.

Swell.

Slashfilm)









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Comments

May I volunteer?

You know given that a slap to the face started the whole Tunisian uprising that led to the whole Egyptian thing, maybe somebody slapping Marshall hard will lead to an uprising in Hollywood.

Also, could somebody just take De Niro gently by the hand and escort him back to his room at Shady Pines. Clearly the man is demented and needs full time care.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 31, 2011 11:31 AM

I really don't understand Ice Cube anymore. He's always popping up in commercials looking hard as shit. He does realize that noone thinks that anyone that was in Daddy Day Care is gangsta anymore, right? Right? I don't care if he was in Gorillaz in the mist, no matter how hard it was. I'm pretty sure my grandma wouldn't have any issue pinching his cheek, and calling him a rascal. Ice Cube has the street cred of Paul Reubens....actually I think Reubens has more. He was in Blow at least.

Posted by: Blank at January 31, 2011 11:46 AM

Haha, "douchesnausage." Pajiba is my source for increasingly hilarious insults.

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at January 31, 2011 11:47 AM

I already liked it better when it was 200 Cigarettes.

Posted by: thatsjesstastic! at January 31, 2011 11:49 AM

Sweet Jesus and all his Martyred Saints, I hate the film already and it hasn't even been done yet.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 31, 2011 12:01 PM

I have a dream ... that Dr. Dre dies a little inside whenever he learns about the latest Ice Cube flick.

Posted by: agent bedhead at January 31, 2011 12:18 PM

Ick. That cast reads like a sample list for mediocrity. There's no one on there that I don't feel contemptuous of now. They're all a bunch of "stars", but clearly, they're stars that people just don't respect anymore (if they ever did). They're second tier--cast because they'll get people to the theaters, and because they'll do anything that brings them a paycheck.

They're the kind of people who would have guest-starred on Will and Grace.

Posted by: Figgy at January 31, 2011 1:20 PM

Everyone should probably watch In Search of a Midnight Kiss instead of seeing this one.

Posted by: Jasper at January 31, 2011 1:40 PM

The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of New Year’s Eve.

I would see this. Yup. I would go out my way to a theater where there's never any street parking and pay seven bucks to use their underground lot. I'd skip the matinee and leave my old student I.D. at home, just so I could pay full price for a ticket. I would forgo sneaking in a delicious purse burrito to instead pay twice the price of my ticket for a gigantic soda that I won't drink a third of, a KFC-sized bucket of popcorn that I'll stop eating after a few bites because a kernel will get lodged in my throat and I'll spend the rest of the night trying to cough it up, and even some Reese's Pieces because, dammit, I don't have enough cavities.

I'd do every last one of those things if they promise that the film takes place on December 31st, 2011... and all of those interconnected asshats (especially the impossibly cute kid that's always in these shitfests) die at the stroke of midnight on January 1st, 2012 in a symphony of sweet, sweet Mayan apocalyptic destruction.

Hell, if they can promise that Nice Cube and Kutcher's characters get sucked into a sinkhole filled with fire ants, I'd even bring a friend.

Posted by: jM at January 31, 2011 2:04 PM

"In Search of a Midnight Kiss" was on TV a few months ago. I think I gave up on it after 10 minutes of lameness. I mean, who seriously goes to that much trouble just to crack one off?


Posted by: Simon at January 31, 2011 2:25 PM

This is the stuff the Mayas have been talking about.

And, TK, I shall continue the list of names that just go on and on and on cos it's just that I'm that vicious: Sienna Miller, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sarah, Jessica, Parker, The Biel, The Swank, and, AND!, Frankie Muniz. Ashton Kutcher is billed first. Right above Robert De Niro's dementia.

Posted by: schmerpes at January 31, 2011 5:48 PM

(and Sofia Vergara is, of course, forgiven)

Posted by: schmerpes at January 31, 2011 5:50 PM

Why, Michelle? WHY???

Posted by: Four Eyes at January 31, 2011 6:25 PM