The first item in today’s round-up features Jessica Biel getting nailed, both literally and euphemistically. Indeed, she’ll be starring in Nailed, a movie that David O. Russell (batshit genius director of I Heart Huckabees and Three Kings) will co-write with Kristen Gore (as in, Al’s daughter). I read Kristen’s first novel, Sammy’s Hill and wasn’t impressed enough to read the sequel, though it certainly had its moments, and in combination with that special brand of rageriffic comedy Russell is known for, I suspect Nailed will be much better than its premise suggest. That premise? Jessica Biel’s receptionist character is accidentally shot in the head with a nail gun by a clumsy workman, which sends her libido into overdrive (calm down). Uninsured, she goes to D.C. to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured, where she meets a corrupt congressman played by Jake Gylenhaal, who takes advantage of her perpetual moistness and capitalizes on her crusade. And, really: There just aren’t enough movies about corrupt congressman railing and bailing on brain-damaged nymphomaniacs. Personally, I’m just sweaty-excited about the possibility for video of Russell’s violent outbursts leaking again — no way Biel can dish it back out like Lily Tomlin. That poor girl will be cowering under a bed in her underdrawers.
And, it looks like the writer’s strike, sadly, will not put a stop to unnecessary (and in this case, violently unnecessary) remakes, as motherfucking Sylvester Stallone — not content to tack another Rocky and Rambo flick onto the end of his resume, is now set to direct and star in a remake of Death Wish. I mean, really? Stallone is going to step into Charles Bronson’s role? What the hell is this guy smoking? File this under ideas only Sly Stallone would be stupid enough to come up with — clearly, the ‘roids are clouding his judgment. Why don’t you just make another buddy movie with Estelle Getty, Sly? That, at least, we can ignore. Hell, I find Jay Sherman’s idea for Death Wish IV, in which Bronson lies in his hospital bed and just wishes for death, a lot more palatable than a goddamn Stallone remake.
Elsewhere, Mel Gibson is returning to acting. He’s set to star in Antoine Fuqua’s (Training Day) next gig, Under and Alone, about an ATF agent who infiltrates the notorious Mongols motorcycle gang. How many ways is it possible not to give a shit? I’m going to need all my fingers and toes to count them up. If you’ll pardon me, it may take a while.
… damn. I lost count sometime around the 140th time through my digits.
There’s rumors flying around — rumors prompted by statements from Michelle Pfeiffer, no less — that a Grease remake is in the works, and that producers are looking to nab the graceful Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy. Oh, man: That is fucking rich. Jessica fucking Simpson? In Grease? Uh well oh well oh well oh well oh please! (don’t) Tell me more. (don’t) Tell me more. Shoot me in head. Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh. Brain cells ripped at the seams, bu-ut, oh those fu-ucking twits.
There’s going to be an adaptation of the Julie Powell’s memoir, Julia and Julie: 365 Days, 525 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment, about a woman who attempts to cook up an entire book of Julia Childs’ recipes in a year. Weird idea — I’m not sure how exciting it would be to watch a movie about cooking (but then again, I never expected to like “Top Chef,” either), but the cast rocks: Amy Adams — cinematic godsend — will be playing Julie, while Meryl Streep will play Julia Childs.
In other news Julia news, Julia Roberts and Clive Owen are teaming up again to star in a movie titled, Duplicity, about longtime lovers who work as spies on opposite sides, and decide — after this discovery — to work together to pull off some sort of heist (sort of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, inverted). It’ll be written and directed by Tony Gilroy, who wrote the three Bourne flicks, Michael Clayton and … what? Wait? The guy who wrote the Bourne flicks also wrote The Cutting Edge? Woah. Seriously? The same guy responsible for Jason Bourne on the big screen is also responsible for Doug Dorsey. That … oh, thinking about that … my head hurts. I totally don’t see it:
A short note: HBO is filming a movie inspired by the documentary Grey Gardens, which is a deliciously deranged movie about two wackjob members of the Kennedy clan who live in a squalid, decrepit 28-room mansion. John Williams had a nice write up of the original documentary a few days ago, but for those who have seen the movie, you may be as thrilled as I am about the casting choices: Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore as Big Edie and Little Edie, and Jeanne Tripplehorn as Jackie Kennedy. Barrymore isn’t much of an actress, but this part actually seems to fit her extremely well, as she is similarly an off-the-wall, loopy blue-blood who is about three bad movies away from living in her own Grey Gardens.
Finally, in the trailer watch — Watch closely: Fisher Stevens! Fisher Stevens! Fisher Stevens!
The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | November 6, 2007 | Comments ()