A live-action Smurfs movie? I don’t know where to begin. I mean: The fucking Smurfs?! One hundred and one blue shirtless men frolicking in the forest with one woman and singing, “La la lala la”? What could the plot possibly entail? Are we looking at How Smurfette Got Her Groove On 101 Times and Walked Around with a Hitch in Her Step or something more akin to an origins story, explaining that the blue skin color of the Smurfs derives from simple lack of sex and/or Evil Gargamel behind-the-bush intrusions of homosexual interplay? Generations of blue ball can do funny things to the flesh, you know? The film, like the recent travesty Alvin and the Chipmunks will be a live-action/CGI hybrid, which means that, presumably, real motherfucking actors will deign to appear (don’t return their calls Jason Lee). I hear that John Lithgow is rumored to be Gargamel, and it’d be a shame not to go after the Smurfish-looking Jessica Alba for Smurfette. Anyway, the writers behind the second and third Shrek films are penning the script, and the studio is eyeing a 2010 release.
By the by, does anyone know what a Smurf smells like? And while we’re on the subject, what the hell flavor is blue Kool-Aid supposed to be?
(Little known fact: Smurfs and Pajibas are distant cousins).
Moving on: Sam Raimi — while he’s mulling a fourth Spiderman film — has decided to add to his slate of future projects (a slate that currently includes resurrecting Jack Ryan). Raimi has signed on to direct The Given Day, the latest Dennis Lehane novel to make it to the big screen (in addition to Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone, Scorsese is currently filming Shutter Island). The Given Day, which actually hasn’t seen the bookshelves yet, is another cop thriller, only this one takes place in 1919, when police officers return to Boston after WWI and try to unionize. With a historic 1919 Boston Police Strike (in which most of the force was replaced by Governor Calvin Coolidge) as the backdrop, two cops emerge, probably out to find a missing child and engage in ethically ambiguous activities. I have to say, based on previous Lehane adaptations, and Raimi’s brilliance with quality material, that I got absolutely no quibbles with the project.
Another project I don’t have a problem with? Speculation that “H.R. Pufnstuff” — the late 60s/early 70s children’s television show — will get the cinematic treatment. Man alive: A living island, a talking flute, a magic boat, a wicked witch named Wilhelmina W. Witchiepoo, talking wind, and extremely bright colors! It is most certainly my belief that acid-trip television should be introduced to a new generation of little ones. Maybe Puff the Magic Dragon can get a major motion picture deal, too!
Elsewhere, in the “from odd minds comes brilliant ideas” department, Bobcat Goldthwait — last seen directing “Jimmy Kimmel Live” episodes — will get another crack at motion picture directing, following the woefully underappreciated 1991 film, Shakes the Clown (ah, non-wubba wubba wubba Julie Brown, how we miss you). His next movie, starring Robin Williams, is called The World’s Greatest Dad, and though the principals involved don’t exactly inspire confidence, the logline kind of does: After a failed writer’s son dies in a freak masturbation accident, the father pens a suicide note for his son to cover-up the accident. In order to continue the lie, the Dad resurrects his writing career by penning an entire journal on his dead son’s behalf. It’s like I always say: When life gives you a dead masturbating son, make Lemonade.
What else? Here’s this: Spike Lee is tackling Ronald Mallet’s memoir, A Scientist’s Personal Mission to Make Time Travel a Reality, a book about a real-life fella — one of the first African Americans to get a PhD in theoretical physics — who wants to make time travel a reality. In fact, the man — who lost his father to a sudden heart-attack when he was 10 — became obsessed with time travel as a means to returning to see his Pops. True story: He’s been working on plans to create a time machine for quite some time. It involves a bunch of physics, and I won’t claim to know a goddamn thing about it.
Len Wiseman — Kate Beckinsale’s husband and the director behind Underworld and the latest Die Hard sequel — has been tapped to direct the video-game adaptation of Gear of War, working from a script by Chris Morgan (The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift). Meanwhile, Luc Besson is bringing us a sequel to District B13, appropriately titled, District B14. No cast is in place, but if I may make a suggestion: Jason Statham.
In the trailer watch, how about I bring the pain today. Here’s Meet Dave, possibly the most moronic looking film you’ll ever witness:
And then there’s Sam Jackson’s latest in scene-gnawing heroics, Lakeview Terrace, which looks awfully similar in spirit to Michael Keaton’s dud, Pacific Heights. Neil LaBute directs, and he’s on one helluva bad losing streak:
Lithgow would be a decent Gargamel. would the movie also include subversive communist undertones like the show did?
smurfs probably have a lingering smell that could be used as a way to tell that they are or recently have been in the vicinity. like the "ozone" smell after an electrical short. i think their smell might be something similar to the smell of onions boiling in milk (a really sickly-sweet odor) with a hint of patchouli (for extra "linger").
also- i think your link for this Trade Round-up is broke- clicking the link on the main page directs to an older Round-up.
Posted by: causaubon at June 19, 2008 8:25 AM
No plot for the Smurfs movie? You gotta be kidding me, Dustin. Peyo provides plenty of material:
-The Black Smurfs (one Smurf gets stung by the bzzzz-fly and turns black, saying nothing but "GNAP" and infecting all the other Smurfs by biting them in the tail)
-The Smurführer: Papa Smurf leaves town in search of some magic herbs, the other Smurfs decide to hold an election to see who's in charge, the elected Smurf becomes a tyrant in a gold costume and chaos ensues)
-The Smurfette: how she come to be, as already explained by Donnie Darko in his eponymous film. Blatantly sexist, for both sides.
-The fake Smurf: Gargamel turns himself into a Smurf, be it without a tail. He glues on a fake one and infiltrates the village, sabotaging their dam.
The possibilities are endless.
Posted by: Adere at June 19, 2008 8:33 AM
onions boiling in milk with a hint of patchouli
Why are you trying so hard to horrify me?
And to counteract the implied bummer of David Cross also being in the Chipmunks movie, here's his and Bob's rendition of Pufnstuf, JUST IN CASE there's someone who doesn't know the wonder already. http://youtube.com/watch?v=TDpt9iicEow
I hope I'm not embarrassing myself too much by saying that I was a huge fan of the Pufnstuf. And what about Lidsville? Charles Nelson Riley rocked that world.
But a movie? Not sure.
Posted by: Cindy at June 19, 2008 8:52 AM
Meanwhile, Luc Besson is bringing us a sequel to District B13, appropriately titled, District B14. No cast is in place, but if I may make a suggestion: Jason Statham.
YES!!!! I looooooooved District B13! If only I didn't know how much sequels suck! Damnit. And personally, I don't think Jason Statham could keep up.
Gears of War? But there are no romantic interests? How's he going to put his wife in compromising situations with some strange? Man, that's gotta be awkward for him.
I'm not deigning to comment on the Smurfs. I've accepted the fact that Hollywood will attempt to rape my childhood memories every chance they get for the biggest payoff, then whore it out on the street until they feel they can't make any more money out of them, and then make a snuff film to wring that last little bit of sentiment I might have retained. So I'm going to take the very effective method from my good friend Sarina...I've stopped believing in Hollywood. And I'm refusing to acknowledge my beloved previous childhood memories anymore.
Which brings me to H. R. Puffenstuff - what? Just...what? How do you make a movie of a graphic children's acid trip?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 8:56 AM
The Black Smurfs (one Smurf gets stung by the bzzzz-fly and turns black, saying nothing but "GNAP" and infecting all the other Smurfs by biting them in the tail).
You just resurrected a dormant memory I'd managed to bury deep, Adere. And freaked my shit right out.
The logline for World's Greatest Dad now has me playing scenes from Heathers in my head.
I love my dead masturbating son!
Posted by: Tabula Swift at June 19, 2008 8:58 AM
Len Wiseman -- Kate Beckinsale's husband and the director behind Underworld and the latest Die Hard sequel -- has been tapped to direct the video-game adaptation of Gears of War, working from a script by Chris Morgan (The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift). Meanwhile, Luc Besson is bringing us a sequel to District B13, appropriately titled, District B14.
Ok, Gears of War? Perfectly cinematic video game experience. Just like Bioshock. Requires exactly -.01 tweaks to produce a perfectly servicable movie for all 3 people who will be interested in it and either a)don't have a XBox 360 or b)haven't seen it all on YouTube.
Therefore, they will add some stupid unnecessary romantic subplot, and it will suck like a Hoover. If movie studios really need to throw money down a hole to feel content, I can build a perfectly servicable money depository in my front yard.
District B-14 gives me the faintest glimmer of face-kicking hope, however.
Posted by: twig at June 19, 2008 9:00 AM
My hopes were raised and subsequently dashed. No fair using an Arrested Development picture (however appropriate) without good news re:that particular show.
Posted by: elizabeth at June 19, 2008 9:05 AM
"(in which most of the force was replaced by Governor Calvin Coolidge)"
Really? Damn...Silent Cal must've been some kind of Superman. No wonder he didn't say much. If you're that badass, you don't really have to!
Posted by: vic at June 19, 2008 9:07 AM
The Black Smurfs (one Smurf gets stung by the bzzzz-fly and turns black, saying nothing but "GNAP" and infecting all the other Smurfs by biting them in the tail).
HAHAHAHA!!! I remember that episode! Oh, man, that kinda traumatized me...talk about repressed memories, huh RanyIt?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 9:13 AM
Ronald Mallet's memoir, A Scientist's Personal Mission to Make Time Travel a Reality, a book about a real-life fella -- one of the first African Americans to get a PhD in theoretical physics -- who wants to make time travel a reality. In fact, the man -- who lost his father to a sudden heart-attack when he was 10
I have seen this guy on an episode of The Universe on History. He seems like he is that special breed of crazy, the obsessive crazy. He is VERY serious about time travel and it all sounds really technical. However, in this same episode, another astrophysicist stated that backward time travel is not possible due to some physics term that I cannot be bothered to deal with right now. I have not even had my coffee yet.
Posted by: Melody at June 19, 2008 9:19 AM
Why the Smurfs? Why not the Snorks or the Get Along Gang? At least the Chipmunks had an aura of cool, although I don't know if that was at all present in the new film. But no kids today like the Smurfs and anyone who liked them in the 80s will surely not want to see a live-action version starring... please John Lithgow. Please. Start running now.
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 9:23 AM
Zombie/vampire smurfs...saying that lunatic syllable over and over again...shudder.
But kudos to Chris Rock. All I can think is "Africanized Smurf", now, and shake my head.
I'm less than thrilled about a CGI+live-action movie about them, but to say no one would want to see it?
Posted by: Adere at June 19, 2008 9:31 AM
A live/CGI flick about the Smurfs. Mother of Mercy in Jodhpurs ... haven't we suffered enough??
What do Smurfs smell like is an interesting question. I think (based on the few episodes I encountered many moons ago) they smell like a mixture of old cat urine and beer flatus. With an overtone of clover honey because they're supposedly so "cute."
And Meet Dave descends into the Ninth Circle of Suck, based solely on the trailer.
Posted by: The Wanderer at June 19, 2008 9:41 AM
Dear Edward Regan "Eddie" Murphy,
1) Dig a hole.
2) Bury yourself.
3) Salt the earth.
Your one time fan,
jM
Posted by: jM at June 19, 2008 10:10 AM
Adere, based on complete lack of marketing / exposure? They don't like them... now. That is not to say they WOULDN'T like them should they be exposed to them properly- Saturday morning, in their PJs while their parents are having sex.
Movies like this one (and Alvin) are supposed to appeal to us supposed hipster parents longing for the halcyon days of our youth, shoving the toys and ideas of a bygone era down our precious offspring's throats, demanding they validate our coolness by liking what we liked. Or something. Why the hell else would they have tapped our fall-back used-to-be-kinda-indi-funny guy Lee for such shit? Maybe with Lithgow they're attempting to tap into our repressed Footloose memories as well. Regardless, this should be abandoned post haste. I cannot think of one children's movie that has moved from the artist's table to live action and has been better for it.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 10:18 AM
"Used to be?" Do you not watch "My Name is Earl"?
That is not to say that I approve of his Chipmunks role but maybe he did it for little Pilot Inspektor.
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 10:22 AM
"used-to-be-kinda-indi"
Not used to be kinda funny. I worship at the alter of Earl, believe me. He's just not quite "indi" anymore, what with the big ol' sitcom. Dontcha remember when loving Jason Lee was a hipster cool thing???
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 10:26 AM
The picture choice for this article is fantastic. Thank you!
Posted by: rasmujoe at June 19, 2008 10:29 AM
life is good! especially when u fall in love with someone! what i know is hot and sensual cowgirl on _riderlove.c om_ can make all the difference!!
Posted by: stacy at June 19, 2008 10:30 AM
another astrophysicist stated that backward time travel is not possible due to some physics term that I cannot be bothered to deal with right now.
I heard Mallet a long while back on NPR's Fair Game. As Dustin wrote, his whole obsession began when he wanted to find a way to go back and see his dead dad. Unfortunately, while he has found time travel to be theoretically possible, even in theory you could never go back in time any further than the day your machine first became operable, thus meaning that even if he succeeded he could never go back to see dear old dad. Success coupled with crushingly depressing realization could make for a good plot turn...
Posted by: Bistro at June 19, 2008 10:31 AM
lilianna28, I suspect this to be true for the American audiences.
But based on how the French flocked en masse to the cinémas for those Astérix turds, the Smurfs could very well do the same.
If Lithgow is out, they should move the whole project to Europe and have Benoît Poelvoorde play Gargamel.
I, of course, will protest heavily outside the multiplex against this abomination.
Posted by: Adere at June 19, 2008 10:31 AM
Dontcha remember when loving Jason Lee was a hipster cool thing???
I certainly do.
"That kid is BACK... on the ESCALATOR AGAIIN!"
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 10:36 AM
smurfs?
really, smurfs???
thats it, I have lost my will to live.
you happy Hollywood? you have finally crushed my sprirt, taken all hope for a bright future from me and probably killed my grandmother somewhere along the way too.
I give in
you win Hollywood
now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go to Blockbuster and pick up a copy of High School Musical, I have a new life to start....
[hangs head on defeat and shame and slinks out of the room, already comtemplating how to drink her woes away]
Posted by: Bethy at June 19, 2008 10:40 AM
Generations of blue ball
Does not compute. They must have had sex to have, uh, generations. Yikes. Smurf sex? Aaaand I just weirded myself out...
The Smurfs must have been too late too imprint on my childhood, cause I don't recall seeing a single episode. But if Hollywood tries to mess with The Banana Splits - well, they better not, is all I'm saying!
H R Pufnstuf..... Jack Wild, you are missed.
Posted by: Tarn at June 19, 2008 10:43 AM
Meh, I'm a little young for the Smurfs movie to inspire any real outrage in me. Call me when they decide to re-make "Power Rangers" as a full length movie with Zac Efron as the Red Ranger and Miley Cyrus as the Pink Ranger and after I'm done laughing till I wet myself, I may muster up some outrage.
Movie news still looks pretty bleak to me this week. *Sigh*
Call me when they decide to re-make "Power Rangers" as a full length movie with Zac Efron as the Red Ranger and Miley Cyrus as the Pink Ranger and after I'm done laughing till I wet myself, I may muster up some outrage.
You mean they haven't already? Somebody call someone! We got to nab the rights to this, stat!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 11:06 AM
...a historic 1919 Boston Police Strike (in which most of the force was replaced by Governor Calvin Coolidge) as the backdrop...
Awesome! I'm totally stoked to see a movie about a police strike set in a world where all of the officers resent "Supercop" Coolidge's abilities. I imagine that in the end, his unorthodox methods will earn the other cops' grudging respect because, Dammit, he gets the job done!
Posted by: Wonkey the Monkey at June 19, 2008 11:13 AM
I have to admit, I laughed out loud when he punt kicked that cat. The rest looks like bilge, tho.
Posted by: Lindzee at June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
"The cookie eatery is NOT part of the food court!"
Posted by: Helcat at June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
I think Gargamel and the Peculiar Purple Pie Man from Porcupine Peak should do an introspective buddy movie together, wherein they contemplate the futality of spending their lives terrorizing a group of blue tinged midgets and pastry molesting moppets. It can be narrated by Claw from Inspector Gadget.
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 11:30 AM
I would watch an entire film about the Peculiar Purple Pie Man. I wish I was kidding.
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 11:32 AM
"Len Wiseman - has been tapped to direct the video-game adaptation of Gear of War"
Is that like tapping a keg, or what men do after they pee?
It's always bugged me, the not knowing.
Posted by: Loob at June 19, 2008 11:38 AM
the Peculiar Purple Pie Man
You people are sick.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 11:39 AM
First of all, as a proud Pajiban, I want to state that I am most certainly NOT related in any way, shape, or form to the hideously deformed blue beasts known as Smurfs (except for maybe Smurfette---she's slutty, and I like that in a friend.)
As for H.R. Pufnstuf, I cannot freakin' wait to expose another generation of children, my own and others, including my baby grandson, to the wonders of hallucinogenic TV and movies. LSD in your Sprees is optional. Can Sigmund the Sea Monster be far behind? I would still rather see either of these than The Love Guru....
Posted by: dammitjanet at June 19, 2008 11:43 AM
Shadows...ya ta ta ta ta ya ta ta ta!
[steals your blueberry pie]
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 11:45 AM
A while ago, Strawberry Shortcake came up in my house and my father asked us what flavor cookies the Pie Man was baking in the Big Apple City special. Turns out they were kohlrabi cookies but the thought of my father, less than thirty years old at the time, watching that episode so often as to remember the kind of cookies twenty years later just made me so sad.
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 11:47 AM
Like Melody and Bistro,I saw the episode of The Universe about Ronald Mallet, and was very taken with him.
I loved his rationale of 'nobody wants to hear I plan to build a time machine, so I'll be an astrophysicist and study black holes as a cover story'. It could make a great movie if done right. Of course the part about not being able to travel back to a time before the machine existed is heartbreaking in a way.
Is it just me, or does the plot of The World's Greatest Dad sounds like a riff on The World According to Garp? Okay, it's just me.
Adere, don't hate on Asterix! I grew up in the UK and Asterix has a special place in my heart. He got me interested in studying Roman Britain. Then again, in Europe we grew up a built-in interest with the Roman Empire (it's in our genes!) so I can see how it doesn't work over here.
Posted by: StephanieS at June 19, 2008 11:49 AM
Oh, and Shakes the Clown should definitely be an Underrated Classic. A clown getting pissed on? A kids party clown banging the birthday kid's mom? Filth, booze, garbage, and wonder....to quote another classic, "all the things that make life worth living for.."
Posted by: dammitjanet at June 19, 2008 11:50 AM
I would watch an entire film about the Peculiar Purple Pie Man. I wish I was kidding.
I really ought to have already figured out that, given that everyone here is a girl, whenever I say "who the hell is that?", it's a girl cartoon.
Why, boys don't like watching small children having berry fun adventures?
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 11:55 AM
Can we make a live-action Powdered Toast Man and Waffle Woman? With Patrick Warburton or Josh Hartnett as PTM, Kathleen Turner or ScarJo as WW, and TommyGirl as Little Johnny. THAT'S a movie I'd pay big bucks to go see!!!
Posted by: dammitjanet at June 19, 2008 11:59 AM
The Ronald Mallet story is actually quite compelling. I haven't read his book, but he was the focus of a This American Life story not too long ago. It's really quite moving and I imagine it would make a very good film. Unlike the Smurfs. Though Cobert scooped you on that particular story last night. Still...the smurfs? HUH?
Posted by: Armando at June 19, 2008 12:03 PM
Smurfs smell like dandelions. They grind the petals into a pulp, which are then shaped and set out to dry in the sun. By showering with these makeshift bars of "soap" they render themselves practically undetectable (at least odor-wise). As one might guess, when in rural areas, they tend to reside in unkempt yards and dandelion-ridden fields. The natural scent of a Smurf, usually detectable after a heavy rain, is a dense, earthy scent reminiscent of wild mushrooms. In the fall however, the Smurf takes on the scent of overly-ripe apples/citrus.
How do I know these things? Easy. Smurfs killed my brother. Since that horrible overcast day in October of '98, I have dedicated the majority of my free time to searching for and destroying Smurf colonies throughout the Midwest...
Based on the principle that each Smurf has a particular trade or skill that he/she exceeds at (thus contributing to the overall function(s) of the clan), I've found that capturing a Smurf that is crucial to survival of the clan often results in a 1-2 day period of absolute chaos - the perfect time to strike.
To date, through capture and interrogation methods involving boiling water and food processors, I've successfully wiped out over 125 clans/communities. At times it's been a blitzkrieg of sorts (i.e. riding mower, rototiller, molotov cocktails), but more recently I've taken joy in poisoning the clans slowly using vanilla beans. Highly allergic to the oils of the vanilla bean, I've found immense pleasure in watching those blue devils shit themselves dry, only to quench their thirst with water I've laced with drain cleaner. Coincidentally, their poop is also blue (betcha didn't know that!).
My next project (late August) involves a miniature, remote-controlled version of the MurderTank and me dressing up as the Cloverfield monster. It'll be friggin' awesome!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 12:04 PM
SKITT IS GODTOPUS!!!! BOW TO THE POWER OF SKITTIMUS MAXIMUS!!!! * skittimus......skittimus.....skittimus....(echoes off into the distance........)*
Posted by: dammitjanet at June 19, 2008 12:19 PM
Wasn't there a full length Smurf cartoon movie?
Posted by: Brian at June 19, 2008 12:26 PM
It is most certainly my belief that acid-trip television should be introduced to a new generation of little ones.
The only thing need now would be a cameo by the Banana-Splits.
How do you make a movie of a graphic children's acid trip?
The example that comes to mind is the original Willie Wonka
Posted by: richmac at June 19, 2008 12:40 PM
wait, so Jay, you are NOT a girl? This places seriously fucks with me.
Julie, my big lesbian crush on you just continues to grow. I've stayed silent too long. ya ta ta ta ta ya ta ta ta indeed.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 12:43 PM
Any smurf talk just makes me think of The Venture Bros:
Henchman 24:Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
Henchman 21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
Henchman 24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Monarch: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!
Posted by: Hard Drugs & Easy Listening at June 19, 2008 12:45 PM
Skitt, did the smurfs take the naked pictures of your mother too, or was that Mumm-Ra?
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 12:46 PM
I will have you know that the headline and picture for this round-up took my breath away. But this is Smurfs! This isn't full-fledged confirmation of an AD movie! Shame on you, sir.
Posted by: Lucie at June 19, 2008 12:47 PM
That photo-header was such a tease! I got all pajiba'd up expecting Arrested Development movie news and then you smurffed all over me!
Posted by: darwinfox at June 19, 2008 12:47 PM
And the best line from Shakes (or at least the one my friends & I liked to repeat whenever possible): "He's gonna fuck that dog. Dog fucker!"
Posted by: Hard Drugs & Easy Listening at June 19, 2008 12:48 PM
lilianna28 - did you mean "take the naked pictures" as in they stole them from me, or did you mean "take the naked pictures" as in they actually photographed my mother in the nude?
... actually, doesn't matter since both options are true...
Stupid smurfing Smurfs! I smurf your smurfshake!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 12:53 PM
Skitt, are they missing?!?! That would be a crime against humanity, truly.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 1:00 PM
Lilianna28, of COURSE you have a lesbian internet crush on me. My name ain't L.L. Cool J. for nothin. Ladies love Julie indeed.
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 1:06 PM
watch out liliann28, Julie'll break your heart
you will be having great conversations about how best to truss up a hot hot man in your basement, and then suddenly with no warning you don't hear from her for a month
then you start drinking
then you start with some light drugs, cause damnit they make you feel better, you can stop anytime and whats the worse that can happen?
before you know it you're unemployed, homeless, on the lamb for that bank heist you pulled in Cleavland, selling your body on street corners for cheap fast food and for some reason there is a mangy golden retreiver following you
its a dangerous road lilianna, tread lightly
:)
(on a completely unrelated note, anybody have a couple bucks I can borrow? no reason....)
Posted by: Bethy at June 19, 2008 1:15 PM
The Lakeview Terrace trailer actually has me intrigued, although that may well be because it reminded me about halfway through of that episode of The X-Files where Mulder and Scully, pretending to be a married couple, moved into one of those luxurious private residential areas where people who didn't follow the community rules got fucked up by some weird compost monster thing.
Yeah, Lakeview Terrace won't be as good as that, I know - not unless Samuel L. turns into Swamp Thing halfway through.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at June 19, 2008 1:17 PM
My name ain't L.L. Cool J. for nothin. Ladies love Julie indeed.
I certainly love you, Julie, but I ain't no lady.
...I think I just broke out in hives from using the word "ain't". Does that ruin the illusion of my not being a lady? No, don't tell me. I prefer to live an elaborate lie of my own construction.
Bethy darlin, I have a very superb and understanding husband who has no issue funding my online lesbian relationships. I recommend you get yourself off that street and get you'self one of them. You can usually find them in comic book or gaming stores, and if you give them permission to play PS3 while watching the kiddies they'll let you do most anything.
In other words, Bring It On.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 1:35 PM
Bethy you should have known better, I leave a trail of heartbroken psuedo lesbians in my wake. :p
[walks away singing "Are you strong enough to be my man"]
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 1:39 PM
well, he ain't (it is a fun word ,b>Sarina, no shame in it) my husband, but I've been with the Boy almost 7 years, and its about the same situation.
If he can play Guitar Hero on the Wii while watching the kitten, I can steal the car to go shopping
(or have online lesbian relationships, you know, whatever)
Either way, you seen a stronger internet lesbo than I Lilianna28, Godtopus-speed!
(PS Julie, call me)
Posted by: Bethy at June 19, 2008 1:55 PM
I hear that John Lithgow is rumored to be Gargamel
I read this, I swear, at the same time I am watching Buckaroo Banzai. It is freaky.
Bethy darlin, I have a very superb and understanding husband who has no issue funding my online lesbian relationships. I recommend you get yourself off that street and get you'self one of them. You can usually find them in comic book or gaming stores, and if you give them permission to play PS3 while watching the kiddies they'll let you do most anything.
This is so true. Hey, if you let us watch, we will throw in some housework as well.
By the way: I am available, and don't mind being used.
how else do you think i get dinner waitin' for me when I get home, V? It's a sweet deal.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 2:00 PM
now that's an Underappreciated Gem if ever there was one, Vermillion.
-Where are we going?
-PLANET 10!!
-When?
-REAL SOON!!
Posted by: causaubon at June 19, 2008 2:15 PM
Servo, you have to stop torturing these girls. After all the broken hearts and tears and booze and recriminations, I'm going to be the one that has to cut a bitch when she's stalking you. *sigh*
I'm still bitter that today's Strawberry Shortcake wears pants. Seriously?
Posted by: Nicole at June 19, 2008 2:33 PM
"That is not to say that I approve of his Chipmunks role but maybe he did it for little Pilot Inspektor."
So you are saying that Jason Lee is some sort of sadist when it comes to his son?
Posted by: ali at June 19, 2008 2:36 PM
It's also a relatively-known fact that most Smurfs have poor eyesight (i.e. Brainy Smurf was the only one that could actually make himself a pair of glasses), so imagine their surprise when I threw close to fifteen road-flares into their village - the blinding light was enough to drive half of them directly into the lit end of another flare. God, the screams were magnificent!
After most of the village was wiped out, I popped open an ice-cold Red Stripe and went to town on the survivors with a 3-Iron. Them little bastards are pretty aerodynamic (260 yrds!)
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 2:36 PM
Servo, you have to stop torturing these girls. After all the broken hearts and tears and booze and recriminations, I'm going to be the one that has to cut a bitch when she's stalking you. *sigh*
But she's so pretty when she sleeps and we have great conversations... in my head. Julie, do you mind closing the window? It's cold underneath your bed.
Posted by: jM at June 19, 2008 2:43 PM
Oh! And then there was the time I had a slingshot and a bag fulla mixed nuts. Holy smokes, you'd think getting hit by a macadamia going 70 mph would sting a bit, but imagine that macadamia being the size of a bowling ball! Oh my God, it was almost cute! The coup de grace was nailing them with shelled pistachios - not quite enough force to kill, but definitely enough to break their stupid smurfin' legs/arms. They'd still be squirming when I'd feed 'em to a drunken Minimus...
Goddam I hate Smurfs... I WILL AVENGE MY BROTHER!!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 2:43 PM
Ha ha ha!! jM, I thought I heard ragged breathing last night when I was being gently whisked into slumber by the sweet sounds of Ned Flanders shrieking over a dead houseplant...don't mind the dust bunnies, I hate to vacuum.
Nicole...pants?! Uh uh. I refuse to acknowledge that.
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 2:50 PM
yowza... i think i'm rethinking my Julie crush here ladies. I know you're trying to keep the yummy goodness that is Jules all to yourselves, but the more I think about it, the more I'd like to just up and join Skitt on his next Smurf-ocide adventure. It sounds so therapeutic.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 2:51 PM
lilianna28, it'd be an honor to have you along for a village-raid. Just be prepared to throw any sense of humanity out the window and let rage take the driver's seat for at least an hour.
It's a goddamed hoot, it is. Shit, I'll even let you crucify the leader of the clan! It sends a pretty clear message to any clan members that happen to be gathering berries when the attack hits. I usually like to hang out for about an hour afterwards to take out any stragglers. It gives you a little time to reflect on what you've accomplished, as well as time to clean any blue blood and bone fragments off your apron...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 3:04 PM
Apron??? Wuss.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 3:14 PM
I actually just saw a NEW new Strawberry Shortcake, with long hair and a dress (thank God) but I can't locate a picture of her anywhere. That version in jeans really bothered me.
Posted by: Jen Diff at June 19, 2008 3:17 PM
Normally I'd agree with you, lilianna28but you don't wanna get any significant amount of Smurf blood on you - each one of them buggers got about an oranges worth of juice pumping through their lousy veins. As far as I can tell, the blood's got pheromones (?) or something akin to skunk stink, only it lingers longer and is pretty much unnoticeable to humans. The more you've got on you, the easier it is for them to tell when you're in the vicinity. There's a cleanser called Barkeeper's Friend that seems to do the trick... It hurts like hell - imagine scrubbing your body with a medium-grit sandpaper - so an apron's a safe way to go.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 3:32 PM
Clearly, I have no grammar or punctuation skills and far too much time on my hands...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 3:33 PM
There's a cleanser called Barkeeper's Friend that seems to do the trick...
Skits, can I just tell you how cute it is that you are familiar with Barkeeper's Friend? My grandmother used Barkeeper's Friend. I mean, it's awesome (seriously, it is), but seeing as you are not (as far as I am aware) an old lady, I'm just surprised that you know what it is.
Hey now, Strawberry Shortcake emerged from her grammar school years a liberated woman no longer shackled to her mother's childish styles. She is a happy 5th grader frolicking in all sorts of styles and establishing a budding feminist independence from the trappings for "feminine" and "youthful" appearances. She is, quite honestly, BETTER than she was. (she does still look like a kid, Not sure where the version that's been circling came from but you can find some groovilicious coloring book pictures of her on her official site. You know, if you have a 2 year old who likes that sort of thing, or if you just still like to color. I love to color. It is very relaxing. But not quite as relaxing, I think, as smurf ritual sacrifices.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 3:44 PM
Just so long as Strawberry Shortcake doesn't grow into one of those little Bratz whores. I've sworn to keep my little one as far from those nefarious demons as possible. And thanks for the tip lillianna, I will check out Shortcake's new site for the little one who happens to be two and has red-hair so Strawberry Shortcake has been thrust upon her by all friends, relatives and casual acquaintances. She loves her now.
Posted by: Hard Drugs & Easy Listening at June 19, 2008 4:46 PM
I love you bastards. Ain't no party like a 'jiba party! Our tangents are legend.
Oooh, look! It's drunk o'clock!
Posted by: Nicole at June 19, 2008 5:07 PM
Trust me, kids don't need our old, lame ass, low production value shows - they've got YoGabbaGabba (addthe .com) and a full on universe of new mindless crap to choose from. The aforementioned YoGabbaGabba is just as unnerving as many of my childhood recollections - only this time they're proposing that my kids spend time under the direction of the candy ravers at the party with whom you shouldn't share any 'stuff'. Parenting brings the fear.
My daughter is all over my old cabbage patch and shortcakes that somehow survived 36 moves. It was worth keeping them - although the smelly dolls all smell alike now. Boo on that.
Posted by: replica at June 19, 2008 5:25 PM
how else do you think i get dinner waitin' for me when I get home, V? It's a sweet deal.
That is it! I am now starting Vermillion's Harem of Cyber-Man-Whores. Professionally trained and ready to play skirt for the internet-only lesbian on the go. For just pennies a day (and a few hours of over-the-shoulder reading), you can have your own cover for your illicit Web-based rendevous! No longer do you have to switch to Microsoft Word and pretend you are working! Just use our certified Cyber-Man-Whore, and folks will think you are having hetero cyber-sex, instead of the twisted text-based shenanigans that may or may not involve board games and condiments!
OOOH!!! OOOH!!! I SO WANT A GIG!!! PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB!!! PLEEEEEEASEEEEE!!!!
...ahem, I mean...since I got some experience already...
[looks sharply at Julie]
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 5:42 PM
I'm not sure if you're ready for that gig Shadows, you have yet to completely master Removing Women's Clothing Using Just Your Teeth 101.
Sigh....you're just going to have to practice harder.
Posted by: Julie at June 19, 2008 5:45 PM
Vermillion, I actually think this is a scathingly brilliant scheme you've cooked up, but I don't require a Cyber-Man-Whore to hide my internet shenanigans because I'm one of those weirdo freaks who leaves their Basket-O-Crazy right out in the open for anyone to find and rummage through. Sure, it scares off a lot of people, but I prefer to think of it as weeding out the weaklings.
However, might I suggest that you also employ females to provide e-Beard services? I mean, that's an entire market you've yet to tap into! That's a lot of unharvested potential!
In regards to "Removing Women's Clothing Using Just Your Teeth 101", I'm a little reluctant to announce that Minimus exceeds at that particular skill. It has yet to be determined if it's a curse or a blessing (pending restraining order guidelines).
God help me, I think he's developing more control...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 19, 2008 5:57 PM
However, might I suggest that you also employ females to provide e-Beard services? I mean, that's an entire market you've yet to tap into! That's a lot of unharvested potential!
You are so right! Especially since so many bromances are around (Dustin and Ryan Reynolds, Skitt and Pissboy and the Motorcycle of The Forbidden Love), I can corner the market share!
And just for you, Sarina, we can have spots for cyber-exhibitionists! Specially designed for those who get off on people knowing the naughty things being done on your machine! Let the ones you love and learned shame from know that you don't give one whit about their "rules" or "common sense"! If you want to love up on a faceless name based solely on a movie quote or a fabricated fight with a spambot, then damn it, you are going to! LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY!
Dammit, I wrote Skitt when I meant Shadows. Sorry about that.
Unless there is something you wish to tell us...
Posted by: Vermillion at June 19, 2008 6:14 PM
Dustin: I believe blue Kool Aid is berry flavoured. Whatever it is, it's delicious.
Posted by: jones at June 19, 2008 6:20 PM
It's totally the sleep deprivation talking, but I snickered most of the way through that Meet Dave trailer and actually thought "Man, that might not be too bad." I mean, sooner or later Eddie Murphy has to make another funny movie? It's like, the law of averages, right?
No no, don't bother to stand up. I'll show myself out.
Posted by: Shay at June 19, 2008 6:28 PM
ALL blue foods and beverages are delicious. I bet Smurfs would be delicious, too. You could totally skewer them and grill 'em like kabobs!
I"m pretty sure that's what Gargamel was going for, Sarina. You wouldn't happen to be related?
Or was that making them into gold?
Or turning them into his little slaves?
There's only room on the Motorcycle of Forbidden Man-Love for two.
And Julie...I'm a master. Just because I was still exhausted from that 13-hour session of "chasing the little man with my tongue around" (a game you invented and seemed to enjoy), and slipped while pulling your latex thigh-high boots off and chipped my tooth on the gimp's studded cockring...is no reason to start making false accusations...
Wow...that was a lot even for me...I don't know whether to be impressed or embarrassed...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 6:37 PM
Shadows, I'm pretty sure Gargamel wanted to make Smurf stew or some such thing. Didn't he always have a large cooking pot awaiting them? Admittedly, it's been many years since I've actually seen an episode, but I seem to remember he was always trying to boil them.
Oh, and to the best of my knowledge, I am not related to Gargamel. Perhaps I should call my mother and ask whether anyone in my family ever had any illicit dalliances with animated villains. You know, just to clear the matter up.
That's probably a good idea, Sarina. I looked into my own bloodline once and discovered my "adopted" cousin was really the byproduct of a dalliance between my uncle and Evil-Lyn. Best to weed out these members of your family before they team up with skull-faced creepazoids and try to take over the world.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 19, 2008 7:12 PM
I came to get my daily fix of Pajiba, saw the accompanying photo of David Cross in blue body paint, and thought great, more info on (maybe) Arrested Development the Movie! Opened the page, and the first word that hits my retina is SMURF.
One second after that, I'm humming the @#$% Smurf song, "la-laaa-la-laaa". Now this is going to be stuck in my head for rest of the afternoon at least. Thanks a lot, Pajiba.
Posted by: Blue_in_OC at June 19, 2008 7:32 PM
Cyber-Man-Whores. That's almost as good as my Nathan Fillibot. Excuse me, Nathan Fillherbot.
Posted by: jM at June 19, 2008 7:38 PM
Is it creepy that I always found Evil-Lyn hot? Maybe even at that age really, really bad girls turned me on?
That would explain my betrothed....
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 19, 2008 8:03 PM
Kool-Aid has flavors? When I was growing up we just stated the color. For example:
Mom!! I want some red Kool-Aid, hella sugar, no ice.
Posted by: Gamal at June 19, 2008 9:17 PM
"Mom!! I want some red Kool-Aid, hella sugar, no ice."
If I had ever dared yell in my mother's general direction that I demanded some Kool-Aid, I would possibly be missing several limbs. I would also be deaf in at least one ear from all the yelling.
"DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR BARTENDER? God gave you two perfectly good legs and a set of hands, and if you want some Kool-Aid you can bloody well go and make it yourself! And you can share it with your brother while you're at it! AND DON'T YOU TWO MAKE A MESS IN MY CLEAN KITCHEN!"
If I had ever used the word "hella" in my mother's presence, I would probably not currently be alive.
Do our moms know each other, Sarina? That's exactly the reaction my mom would give. And she's short...so being intimidated by someone half your size? Not so fun.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 10:07 AM
Ha! I love that you chipped your tooth on the gimp's cockring Shadows, it give your bromance with PissBoy such depth.
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:33 PM
It's not my fault PissBoy's so pushy...
...
...
Okay, I'm gonna stop now...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 12:37 PM
Hee...you said PUSHY.
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:45 PM
Hmmm. Didn't Randall (from Clerks)'s cousin break his neck trying to suck his own dick? Noice. That was a freak masturbation accident if I ever heard one.
Hey Sarina: my mom's just as bad. The only time she's gotten me a drink past the age of 4 was when I had my tonsils removed. And even then she put salt on my eggs to spite me.
Bobcat directed Shakes?! who knew?
i guess you did.
Lithgow would be a decent Gargamel. would the movie also include subversive communist undertones like the show did?
smurfs probably have a lingering smell that could be used as a way to tell that they are or recently have been in the vicinity. like the "ozone" smell after an electrical short. i think their smell might be something similar to the smell of onions boiling in milk (a really sickly-sweet odor) with a hint of patchouli (for extra "linger").
also- i think your link for this Trade Round-up is broke- clicking the link on the main page directs to an older Round-up.