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I Flat-Out Refuse to Believe This Is True

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (26)

bradley-cooper=baseball-movie.jpg

So, let’s say you’re Bradley Cooper. A year ago, after bumbling around for a while in supporting roles — usually as a giant prick — you get the break of your life in The Hangover. Suddenly, you’re a huge star, even surviving All About Steve, a bad movie choice you made before The Hangover. So, you sign on to The A-Team to demonstrate your ability to do an action pic, and against the odds, you’re actually great in the movie. You come back for The Hangover 2, of course. Next, you sign sign on to a prestige pic — The Dark Fields, opposite Robert DeNiro, directed by Neil Burger. That’s smart. And while you’re at it, just to round it out, you take another stab at a romantic comedy, but you’re smart enough to do one opposite Kate Winslet. Nicely done, Brad Cooper. Give your agent a raise, and wait for the nice homicidal sociopath villain role.

Oh, wait. Nevermind. You just signed on to a lame-ass Disney family film. Jackass. That’s not part of the plan, Bradley. Action, prestige, sequel, romantic comedy … family sports film? Come on.

Indeed, Cooper has signed on to an untitled baseball movie written by hacktacular Allan Loeb (21). Get a load of the premise: Cooper plays a major league baseball player who suffers an injury and is forced to return to the minor leagues. Once in the minors, he’s forced to live in a … senior citizen’s nursing home. That’s where he meets an old baseball guru who leads him back to the majors with some weepy old man speeches.

So, a family sports drama with a lot of inspirational hokum? Nice. Nice job, Cooper. We’d hate for anyone to think that you had any sort of edge. Bland, generic, family friendly roles are perfect for you! Why don’t you just jump straight into the live action talking animal movies already?

Way to stretch yourself, buddy.

(THR)









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Comments

"Mr. Glover, your agent is on line two. Something about a 'magical Negro' role in a Disney film, sir."

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 18, 2010 9:19 AM

@Tracer Bullet I think James Earl Jones got that part already in The Sandlot.

Posted by: Rachael at June 18, 2010 9:34 AM

I'm trying to be pithy, but nothing can top Tracer's comment.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 18, 2010 9:36 AM

What?? You mean Morgan Freeman's not available? Screw it, we'll have him narrate it anyway. And call Randy Newman to do the music. We don't hear enough of his crap in family movies.

While you may root for Mr. Cooper, he will always look like a weasel to me and I assume he will eventually consign himself to Ron Silver and Stanley Tucci type roles. Why should only Jews and Italians play all the slimeballs?

Posted by: Jonzo at June 18, 2010 9:39 AM

It will have to be Morgan Freeman since Danny Glover is getting to old for this shit.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 18, 2010 9:49 AM

Morgan Freeman lost his "magical negro" card since he enrolled in the Woddy Allen Creeps Academy though I still hold hopes he's only shagging his step-grandaughter to gives jesus second coming on earth.

Posted by: rio at June 18, 2010 9:53 AM

Silly, Emu. You can't play baseball!

Posted by: jM at June 18, 2010 9:55 AM

You know, I always had this mentality when it came to Disney. One day I'm walking around campus in high school and this guy comes up to me.

"Hey," he says, "you wanna be in a movie?"
"What?" I reply.
"We're shooting a movie here and we're looking for extras to play on the football team."
"Football team?"
"Yeah, the opponents team."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you're the biggest kid I've seen at this school. You'll likely stick out."
"Who's doing the movie?"
"What?"
"The production company?"
"Oh, Disney!"
"Bwahahahahahaha...no thanks."

And I walked away. That movie...Remember the Titans.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 18, 2010 10:10 AM

Nonononono... No magical negro. Bruce Campbell is the man for the part, my friends. That is a movie I'd watch.

Posted by: logar at June 18, 2010 10:17 AM

It will have to be Morgan Freeman since Danny Glover is getting to old for this shit.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 18, 2010 9:49 AM

Heeeee! Nice Lethal Weapon reference, Mrs. Julien. That just made my day.

Posted by: lucy at June 18, 2010 10:31 AM

This is sorta based on a true story, isn't it? I think I remember reading about an assisted-living home lodging minor-leaguers.

BTW, since the baseball draft was last week, it's probably worth mentioning that the base salary for minor-league baseball players, whether they get $615,000 bonuses (as one guy from my town just did) or $1,000 bonuses (as another guy did) is *drum roll, please*

$1,100 a month for a six-month season, plus $25 a day meal money. On the road.

Posted by: , at June 18, 2010 11:03 AM

Why in the bumbling butt-fuck would he have to live in a retirement home because of an injury that sends him to the minor leagues? Is the team so minor that it's made up of hot emu-faced dudes with injuries and geriatrics with shitty diapers? And they all have to live together because the team owner thinks that'll make them a better team? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 18, 2010 11:36 AM

Dustin, give the man a break. After the spectacular streak he's had, just to balance karma, I think he needs to make a bad movie now and then. Besides, we'd probably forgive him anyway.

Posted by: tallulahc at June 18, 2010 12:29 PM

jM is totally right: everyone knows Emus excel at Track & Field and nothing else. Know your strengths, Cooper. Eesh.

Posted by: figgy at June 18, 2010 1:23 PM

Chicks still dig the long ball.

Posted by: fish at June 18, 2010 2:15 PM

Oh shit. When Kevin Costner hears they're making a film about an injured baseball player who sits around sulking in an old folks home and they didn't pick him, there's going to be war.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 18, 2010 3:41 PM

Whatever. It's money. He's an actor. He's a very handsome, talented puppet who gets paid to have a hand up his ass making him say things. If I were good at being an actor puppet, I'd make shitty Disney movies too.

Posted by: Lucas at June 18, 2010 5:24 PM

DUSTIN ROWLES = DUMB F U C K I N G F A G G O T

Posted by: jimmy changa? at June 18, 2010 6:01 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Disgruntled ex, Dustin?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at June 18, 2010 10:40 PM

Whoever said its partially based on truth, you're correct.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/13/pitcher.assisted.living/index.html

Posted by: Eric at June 18, 2010 11:10 PM

Whoa, what the--who the hell wrote that?
Not funny, not okay.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at June 19, 2010 12:06 AM

His right eye is four inches higher than his left. Look at it! I noticed it during Alias once and I can't unsee it no matter how hard I try.

Posted by: James at June 19, 2010 5:10 AM

This actually sounds like a smart career move to me. Cooper has to shed his image as a go-to guy to play "the prick" in movies if he wants to have a successful career as something more than a character actor. This, along with the other choices, sounds designed exactly to do that. He's following Costner's pre-Dancing With Wolves / Waterworld career path. That's not a bad model to follow. Cooper is a talented actor. He was likeable in Alias, and I was pleasantly surprised by his comic timing as Athony Bourdain in Kitchen Confidential. He's been solid in every movie that I've seen him in. The guy could be huge with the right career choices.

Posted by: russmunki at June 19, 2010 9:32 AM

That is not a flattering picture of an otherwise OK looking dude. Never noticed the eye disparity before James pointed it out. They look really bloodshot in this picture. I can see something ain't right, but I'm not sure it is eye heights not matching.

Posted by: Viking at June 20, 2010 1:35 PM

Symmetry is overrated. All the best models look like freaks. Apparently the same goes for actors. I love you Bradley, call me!

Posted by: Teresa at June 24, 2010 5:14 PM

And by the hand of Allan Loeb no-less. The greatest living screenwriter in the world.

Posted by: Peter Tom Maatta at December 24, 2010 10:00 PM