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I Didn't Mean to Turn You On

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (23)

hello-kitty-vibrator-pink.jpg

Well shoot, I could have told you that when a woman is cranky, just give her an orgasm and all will be well (for at least five minutes). But ladies, can you imagine going to your gynecologist for a pelvic massage? Nowadays,that would earn him (or her) a big ole lawsuit, a lost career and probably some jail time. Yet, back in Victorian times, that’s how they handled a bitch when she got all … bitchy. Instead of calling it PMS, they called it hysteria. Today that will get you a kick in the balls, so watch what you say.

Anyhoo, Maggie Gyllenhaal just signed on to a “romantic comedy” (are you kidding me?), Hysteria, that chronicles the journey of two doctors as they treat hysterical ladies and along the way, invent the first electrical vibrator. Jonathan Pryce (Leatherheads) and Hugh Dancy (Savage Grace) will play the doctors and Rupert Everett (Shrek the Third) stars as Dancy’s best friend. Gyllenhaal will portray the daughter of Pryce’s character, who presumably falls in love with either Dancy or Everett after one of them gives her a pelvic massage or the product tester job (I might have made that part up). Honestly, the story itself could be an interesting one, but making it a romantic comedy sounds like the death blow. If the girl has any sense, she’ll take the vibrator and run.









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Comments

"Death Blow": the world's first and last fellatio-themed snuff film.

Posted by: Paul Southworth at August 20, 2010 10:18 AM

I have, like, target confusion. So many jokes, I don't know where to turn.

Now, I love Dancy. I've met him. I maybe have scared him a little. But Maggie should totally fall for Jonathan Pryce's character. Or just sleep with them to get to their magical orgasm machine.

Posted by: Sefa at August 20, 2010 10:23 AM

Maggie Gyllenhaal in a romantic comedy.

There's just nothing funny about that. The casting hipster who approved of that should be escorted off the lot.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 20, 2010 10:32 AM

Ladies, let us pause to honor the thousands of women who were electrocuted at the peak moment before Pryce and Savage corrected all the flaws in the prototypes, so you could have the pleasure plunger you now hold in your sweaty little horny hand.

*moment of silence, followed by gentle buzzing sound, followed by window-shattering "Oh God, oh God, YESSSSS!!!"*

Posted by: , at August 20, 2010 10:36 AM

I wondered how long it'd take for the Gyllenhaal-bashing to start. Thank God that hasn't gotten old yet.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at August 20, 2010 10:36 AM

Why did they invent the vibrator? Were they getting hand cramps? Stretch you stupid sons of bitches!

Posted by: admin at August 20, 2010 10:37 AM

@The Other Agent Johnson

It's not even bashing, the woman would suck the fun out of a whoopee cushion, she's too ironic and indie for comedy. Wanna check out her comedy? Scope out her shiteous brand of "wacky" in the latest Nanny McPhee.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 20, 2010 10:45 AM

Are you suggesting she try to use the vibrator as she runs, Cindy? Because I would pay to see THAT.

Posted by: Kballs at August 20, 2010 10:49 AM

It's not even bashing, the woman would suck the fun out of a whoopee cushion, she's too ironic and indie for comedy. Wanna check out her comedy? Scope out her shiteous brand of "wacky" in the latest Nanny McPhee.


... You went to see Nanny McPhee?

I dunno. I figure that just because she's never really been in a comedy, doesn't mean she can't pull it off. Besides, she's not the star, from what I can tell.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at August 20, 2010 11:32 AM

So, um, is this actually set in Victorian times?

Because if it's Hugh Dancy in a Victorian outfit, I'm SO THERE.

Posted by: Linda at August 20, 2010 11:41 AM

Is anybody else conscerned about the film debut of Rupert Everett's new face? I'm not sure I could handle that on a jumbo screen.

Posted by: Valerie at August 20, 2010 11:43 AM

@The Other Agent Johnson

Some people just aren't built for comedy I think she's one of 'em. Anyway maybe she'll pull a Carrie Fisher in The 'Burbs and end up being hilarious by playing dry and straight.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 20, 2010 11:45 AM

Why did they invent the vibrator? Were they getting hand cramps? Stretch you stupid sons of bitches!

admin,
I actually read a book about the history of vibrators a while back, and the doctors really disliked "massaging" the women because it took up too much time. Also, since most of them didn't realize women could orgasm, having never seen it in their own marriages, many of them didn't actually know that's what they were witnessing.

Posted by: Jen K. at August 20, 2010 11:49 AM

Does no one else recall Secretary? If this movie is in that vein, comedically, this could be a really fun, intelligent, sexy movie. Gyllenhaal was aces in that, and her brief role as her brother's sister in Donnie Darko was wonderfully droll and hilarious. Maggie G haters can just step the eff off.

Also, it's a period romantic comedy. That's fairly original, in that it isn't based on a Jane Austen novel. C'mon!

Posted by: RobP at August 20, 2010 11:50 AM

Jen K,

That is so, so sad. But that's just my perspective.

Posted by: admin at August 20, 2010 12:15 PM

Well, I thought Maggie Gyllenhaal was hilarious in Away We Go.

"Your people have such a wonderful oral tradition."

Posted by: jM at August 20, 2010 12:36 PM

I dont get all the Maggie Gyllenhaal hate. She was great in Stranger than Fiction and Secretary, both of which were romcoms in at least some sense. Depending on the tone of the moive I think she could be a great pick. And really, would you want this to be a fluffy Katherine Heigl movie or something a little darker?

Posted by: EricD at August 20, 2010 3:15 PM

Does no one else recall Secretary?

Recall it? I reenact it every night.

Posted by: Cindy at August 20, 2010 9:04 PM

And really, would you want this to be a fluffy Katherine Heigl movie or something a little darker?

Posted by: EricD at August 20, 2010 3:15 PM

If those are my choices, I say MAGGIE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE...

Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 20, 2010 9:39 PM

Cindy, I never thought I'd say this (considering our diametrically opposed Lost opinions), but that's fucking hot. Unless you mean the urination bit at the end. I'm no R. Kelly.

Posted by: RobP at August 21, 2010 2:24 AM

Definitely no urination - not my thing.

Posted by: Cindy at August 21, 2010 10:05 AM

All you Maggie haters can go suck a fuck!

Posted by: DarthBrookes at August 22, 2010 2:57 AM

Was going to mention the Secretary connection but RobP beat me to it. I eagerly await this movie.

Posted by: Jessica at August 23, 2010 12:12 AM