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I Can’t Even Think Of A Good Pajiba Pun. That’s How Tired I Am Of Dane Cook.

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Daniel Carlson

Trade News | May 31, 2007 | Comments (105)

It’s not so much that I’m surprised at Dane Cook’s continued rise to hacky fame; in the words of Judd Nelson’s John Bender, “The world’s an imperfect place.” Cook is a bland observational comic making observations that aren’t actually true, but his carefully manicured stubble and vintage Ts combine with his forced wackiness so well that it’s no wonder fraternities across this great land of ours have embraced the Danester as one of their own. He’s got a movie coming out called Good Luck Chuck (I would link to the trailer, but I like you too much to do it), in which he plays a guy named Chuck whose girlfriends all wind up getting engaged as soon as they break up with him, which eventually means women are actively seeking him out just so they can date him, dump him, and find their own eventual true love. The plot’s not entirely without merit, though any doubts the trailer may have left about the film’s inevitable crassness have been answered by one of the film’s teaser posters, seen here:

cookposter1.jpg

Yes, that’s a head in the corner. … Yeah.

Anyway, my point isn’t really about Good Luck Chuck, or even the fact that ads feature a faceless woman gently fellating the star in what one hopes isn’t a sign of things to come in movie ads, but the fact that Cook is in talks to star in a comedy called Bachelor No. 2 that follows almost exactly the same plot. The new film is about a character named Tank who takes girls out on purposefully awful dates in order to drive them back to the guys who dumped them. Do you see it? In both movies, Cook will play a guy who dates women in order to send them forward/back to a better relationship. It would be one thing if he kept playing amiable slackers or something, but to star in two films with such high-concept plots is just bizarre. It’s like Cook has gotten tired of stealing from Louis C.K. and is just going to steal from himself. Good riddance, I guess.

In this week’s remake news — there was probably once a time when I was surprised by the number of remakes coming out of Hollywood, but those days are long, long gone — Universal is developing a remake of 1939’s Midnight as a starring vehicle for America’s Favorite Blonde, Reese Witherspoon. The script will be written by Michael Arndt, who won on Oscar for writing the almost-too-quirky-but-saved-by-Steve-Carell Little Miss Sunshine. Arndt was the one who had the idea in the first place, citing the Claudette Colbert comedy as one of his favorite films and referring to the opportunity to update the film with Witherspoon as a “dream come true.” I have no idea how the new film will stack up against the original, which also starred John Barrymore and was co-written by Charles Brackett and Billy Wilder, but I have a feeling they’ll just throw in some Sufjan Stevens and call it a day.

Finally this morning, I bring you the trailer for Joshua, a psychological thriller about a terrifying little boy who starts screwing with his family and infant sister. You’d think that his parents would’ve known something was wrong when he started wearing a suit, since cinematic history offers solid proof that children in formalwear are nothing but vessels for the forces of darkness, but whatever:

Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.









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Comments

I saw 'Joshua' already...about 15 years ago. It was called Mikey. And that one was pretty craptastic as well, but was great on the unintentional comedy scale.

::Dialogue from the movie::
Mikey - You know Ms. Owens, there is something else you can teach me.
Ms. Owens - {cowering in fear of a fucking 9 year old with a sling shot} What's that Mikey?
Mikey - How to die!

Then he shoots her with a marble from a slingshot and it goes through her fucking head like it was a bullet! Then the kid fakes amnesia and walk about 10 miles and ends up in yet another orphanage, rinse, repeat unbelievable story. These are children. I'm pretty sure one good kick in the face will put em down...and if that fails just make them chase you through the underwear section of XXX Department store. He'll stop pursuing when he has to start hiding his wood. Movie over, you've outsmarted the diablolical villain.

And Dane cook....fuck him. It's too early for me to spill any kind of good vitriol. To quote Louis C.K. Dane Cook needs to be "...raped by a nine-dicked walrus." Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. And fuck that chick Allison I know cuz she got a fucking Dane Cook tattoo. I hope she gets ganged-fucked at her next college party. Fuck them both.

Posted by: PissBoy at May 31, 2007 7:54 AM

A Dane Cook tattoo...?!

Oh, God. I just vomited a little in my own mouth.

Western Civilization is officially in ruins.

Posted by: Jerce at May 31, 2007 8:12 AM

It is at this point that I am so very glad that I have no fucking clue who Dane Cook is. The man seems like a tool.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 31, 2007 8:49 AM

It is at this point that I am so very glad that I have no fucking clue who Dane Cook is. The man seems like a tool.

Seconded. Also, what's so funny about a guy getting a blowjob? I mean, wow that's edgy. It wasn't, you know, on C-SPAN for two fucking years or anything.

Posted by: twig at May 31, 2007 9:01 AM

Anyone else notice the annoying similarities between Dane Cook's arrogant expression in so many photos and Chevy Chase in his prime?

Posted by: Mary at May 31, 2007 9:14 AM

You know what would be cool, though, and a really good way to show your disdain (pun unintentional) for Cook, is if you'd doodle all over that image in Microsoft Paint and maybe add some semen dribbling out of his mouth like Perez Hilton would.

I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: Tim at May 31, 2007 9:18 AM

Anyone else notice the annoying similarities between Dane Cook's arrogant expression in so many photos and Chevy Chase in his prime?>>

Ooooh!!!! Does that mean that in 20 years Dane Cook will have a very short lived talk show on a second rate network that will suck so badly that it and he will become punchlines forever?

Sweet!

Posted by: Armando at May 31, 2007 9:25 AM

Anyone else notice the annoying similarities between Dane Cook's arrogant expression in so many photos and Chevy Chase in his prime?>>

Ooooh!!!! Does that mean that in 20 years Dane Cook will have a very short lived talk show on a second rate network that will suck so badly that it and he will become punchlines forever?

Sweet!

Posted by: Armando at May 31, 2007 9:25 AM

The only thing worse than Dane Cook's crappy comedy is that is is now doing a thriller. I saw that "Mr. Brooks" trailer and nearly punched the screen when his face entered. Gah.

You'd think that his parents would've known something was wrong when he started wearing a suit, since cinematic history offers solid proof that children in formalwear are nothing but vessels for the forces of darkness, but whatever

Exactly! Children who like suits are evil. That should be a law of the universe by now. No well-adjusted child wants to constantly wear such restrictive unless they are trying to hide something pretty damn bad.

Posted by: Vermillion at May 31, 2007 9:27 AM

That 'Joshua' trailer stunk. Who'd be scared of that kid?

Dane Cook, no comment, not familiar with his work. But I have noticed that a lot of people can't stand the motherfucker.

Posted by: AntBee at May 31, 2007 9:37 AM

Mr. Carlson - Thiought you might find this interesting (if a little sad). The 3rd season DVD of Veronica Mars will include a 6 minute trailer for the 4th season that will never be - Miss Mars in the FBI. It was the trailer they put together when trying to get the CW to reup them. I'm not sure if there is a release date for this yet.

http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/newsitem.cfm?NewsID=7406

Posted by: Brian at May 31, 2007 10:01 AM

Carlson, I have a bone to pick with you, but first let me jump on the Dane-Cook-sucks-ass bandwagon. I have never understood why anyone finds him the least bit amusing; I once thought he seemed like a nice guy with the right sensibility at the right time in history, but then I accidentally saw 10 seconds of "Tourgasm" and realized that he's 100% pure-D douche-o-rama. Alas, as Jerry Seinfeld (and numerous other comics) observed, "You don't need to guess whether you're bombing ... everyone in the room knows if you're funny." Stand-up is truly a popularity contest. The backlash against Cook is growing, but it's coming too late to prevent him from buying an island and retiring when the nation wakes up to his hackdom.

Now. Mr. Carlson. A few months back, you called "Little Miss Sunshine" a "stunning new comedy." You then spent a paragraph waxing rhapsodic about the cast, noting that Alan Arkin was the only one anything less than perfect. I would go so far as to say that your review blew five tons of sunshine up the ass of "Little Miss Sunshine."

And here we are today: Apparently that same film was "almost-too-quirky-but-saved-by-Steve-Carell." Grrrrr. The last thing I am is persnickety, and I usually love your work, but a smidge of consistency is somewhat important for an art critic, at least to those of us using your commentary as a weather-gauge to help with our choices.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 31, 2007 10:12 AM

"Dane Cook, no comment, not familiar with his work. But I have noticed that a lot of people can't stand the motherfucker."

A lot of people also LOVE the motherfucker. He came to my school a few years ago, and I swear, I saw chicks pulling up their shirts so he could sign their boobs. Personally, I don't pull my shirt up for anyone less than Ewan McGregor. (I kid. Or do I?) I fail to see what's so great about him though. I do remember reading an interview with Jessica Alba, calling him a "young Steve Martin", which, I don't know, I just can't see that. Jessica Alba just needs to stand in the corner and look purty.

The Josuha trailer didn't look that scary. I think the creepy kid thing has been done to death. Doesn't everyone know that all American kids nowadays have the attention span of a gnat? They can't go around mutilating stuffed animals and kidnapping babies.

Posted by: em at May 31, 2007 10:13 AM

"Dane Cook, no comment, not familiar with his work"

Then you, my friend, have been living in a hole. A glorious, paradise-like hole that I would gladly join you in. People like Dane Cook make me wish that sticking a pen in my ear really hard could result in selective memory loss. He is the antithesis of talent, the epitome of frat-boy made popularity. He sucks and I hate him and I want him to fall into a well.

Posted by: TK at May 31, 2007 10:28 AM

Also: Personally, em, I'd consider pulling my shirt up for Ewan as well.

Don't know how much good it'd do though.

Posted by: TK at May 31, 2007 10:29 AM

the only thing i find scary about the joshua trailer is that sam rockwell has agreed to be in it.
and alba compared dane cook to a "young steve martin"?? when i become queen of the world, some people will not be allowed to speak.

Posted by: katie at May 31, 2007 10:42 AM

"Also: Personally, em, I'd consider pulling my shirt up for Ewan as well.

Don't know how much good it'd do though."

Not much good, TK, which I completely admire since it only makes him come across as an even cooler guy, but something tells me he'd at least find it funny. Sigh.

Posted by: em at May 31, 2007 10:51 AM

Allright, I understand the hatred of Dane Cook, and I agree with PissBoy about the "Fuck Him" part. But I think we can draw a line at publicly wishing for women to be gang raped. Too far, PissBoy; TOO FAR.

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2007 11:08 AM

I've gotta admit I enjoyed Cook's earlier work, first Comedy Central special, I think. He didn't look like he does now(no pseudo-hipster tees, or stubble). As years have gone by however, he seems to have de-evolved in his comedy and as a human. Meaning he turned from passable human to complete douchebag.... the process is still ongoing.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 11:18 AM

You know, I'd take an "almost-too-quirky" film writer any day over the dregs we have been subjected to in the last few months.

Go Michael Arndt. Finally, some recognition for the most impossible last name to pronounce- evah! (It was my last name for 26 years. Now I'm saddled -happily- with another Germanic moniker that roughly translates to "helmet of war". And that just rocks.)

There are no words for the likes of Dane Cook. He should appear on that website, hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

Yeah, and check out the Promp. Classy!

Posted by: nexus 6 at May 31, 2007 11:19 AM

"Dane Cook is a young Steve Martin?"

Oh, Jessica Alba. Steve (in the 70s) was silly and surreal, but there was an intelligence behind it. Dane just leaps around the stage like a lobotomized chimp and makes funny noises.


Girls don't let him sign their boobs because he's a comedic genius. They let him sign their boobs because he's kind of funny and he is man-gorgeous.


If Pepitone was doing Cook's act, there probably would not be a lot of boob signing. And Pepitone would probably kill himself.

Posted by: Robert at May 31, 2007 11:21 AM

Man-gorgeous Robert? NO NO NO. Please no.

Refer to earlier post: Most Fuckable Celebrities.

I think you need rehab, stat.

Love,

Nexus 6

Posted by: nexus 6 at May 31, 2007 11:24 AM

thanks a lot for introducing me to Dane Cook (i hate you). great thing about living in a small city in Québec is i only had heard of Dane Cook. Now that i've seen him, not only did my eyes burnt but i feel like i've lost half my IQ.

and seriously, are we still scared of a kids in suits terrorizing their parents. I feel like i've seen THAT so many times it only gets more hilarious every time. I might see Joshua though, since i *think* (still not sure) i love Sam Rockwell.

Posted by: kim at May 31, 2007 11:48 AM

Wow. Joshua actually looks better than I thought it was going to be. I've heard a lot of buzz in horror communities about that film, and it looks like it might actually be more like The Bad Seed than Mikey, so I'll be seeing it.

And no, Daniel, the true sign of an evil kid is pasty skin in an eternally sunny community. Combine with innate musical ability and a sass mouth, and you are dealing with something more evil than the Seed of Chucky. Ok, so I shouldn't have gone there, but gosh darn it Jennifer Tilly played two parts, and she played them well.

Posted by: Robert at May 31, 2007 12:03 PM

"the only thing i find scary about the joshua trailer is that sam rockwell has agreed to be in it."
Also very scary is Vera Farmiga's hair. I really hope that's a wig. Personally though, if I have a little boy one day, I will dress him in nothing but suits just to mess with people.

Posted by: audrey at May 31, 2007 12:10 PM

The almost-not-scary Joshua is totally saved by Sam Rockwell. I wouldn't call it a horror movie, per se, though it's obviously being marketed as such. It is, however, a tour de force performance by Rockwell. But, really, would we expect any less?

p.s. Vera Farmiga also rocks my socks.

Posted by: redbeaniegirl at May 31, 2007 12:22 PM

everytime i go back up this page i see the poster for the dane cook movie. every time it hurts my eyes and i feel a little vomit-y.

Posted by: katie at May 31, 2007 12:44 PM

I was one of those people who got turned onto Dane Cook right before he became "big" (or bigger, whatever you want to call it). He was funny on Comedy Central (Shorties watching Shorties) and the whole superfinger thing, etc. But when I saw that he was in a film with the awful Jessica Simpson, that was it. My mini-crush was over as quickly as it began. I didn't even bother to watch Tourgasm.

Posted by: Brie at May 31, 2007 12:45 PM

I could never really grasp who on earth liked Dane Cook. Then I saw the "bring your daughters to work day" episode of The Office where Steve Carell is trying to ingratiate himself and his comedic stylings with all the 8-to-14 year old girls. He starts off with "who here likes Dane Cook?" to loud cheers. Delicious.

Posted by: misterwindupbird at May 31, 2007 12:50 PM

That Dane Cook movie has the exact same plot as Oliva Goldsmith's book "Dumping Billy." Except hers is obviously from the female perspective. This woman dates Billy so she can be dumped then get married to the next guy she dates. But of course she falls in love with Billy.

Dane Cook is ripping off chick-lit.

Posted by: twilly at May 31, 2007 12:53 PM

MIDNIGHT is one of my favorite movies and it saddens me to hear that it will become a Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy written by the hack who did LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. He's certainly no Billy Wilder or even Charles Brackett.

Posted by: Andrew at May 31, 2007 1:01 PM

Too far, PissBoy; TOO FAR.

He did not write "gang raped," Jen. He wrote "gang fucked." Please put your outrage on hold until you've learned to read properly. As for the difference, don't knock gang-fucking till you've tried it.

And for the record, I'll repeat what I've said earlier: there is nothing funny about rape. Unless you're raping a clown.

Posted by: Jerce at May 31, 2007 1:14 PM

THANK YOU!

Dane Cook may suck some serious ass, but it is NEVER okay to joke about rape. It will ALWAYS be too soon.

PS. That poster is making the urge to kill rise ever higher. What the fuck were they thinking? Assholes.

Posted by: Noush at May 31, 2007 1:40 PM

hee hee Jerce. You remind me of a good friend of mine. Just sayin.

Posted by: nexus 6 at May 31, 2007 1:43 PM

George Carlin once said rape can be funny. Even hilarious. "Imagine Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd." he said, "Well, why do you think they call him Porky?"

Posted by: Case at May 31, 2007 1:46 PM

I advise college students on grad school, and thus received a phone call from a young man asking about his prospects. He sounded drunk, had no idea what he wanted to do with his life (as if I'm supposed to know!), and asked me to repeat the same basic information over and over. After a few minutes of that, I made an appointment to meet with him in person, hoping he'd be forced to get sober and get a clue before making a personal appearance.

And what was he wearing when he walked into my office? A DANE COOK T-SHIRT!!! Of course, he described himself as Dane's #1 fan when I couldn't help but ask. And no, he is not qualified for grad school.

"Helmet of War"? That does rock.

Posted by: MaiGirl at May 31, 2007 1:58 PM

No. George Carlin isn't funny and neither are jokes about rape. I understand the poster didn't say "gang raped," but "gang fucked," but I have a feeling where that sentiment was going.

No matter in what context, jokes about rape lightens the attitudes surrounding the acts of rape or sexual assault in a society that is already too lax about these things to begin with. One in four women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. What the hell.

Whats the conviction rate? 5.6% in the UK? I couldn't find exact stats for the US, but out of the 16% of rapes that are reported to the police, less perpetrarors are arrested, and less than half of those are convicted, many serving less than a year.

So yeah. We might need to take this a little more seriously.

Posted by: Kate at May 31, 2007 2:08 PM

"No. George Carlin isn't funny and neither are jokes about rape."

Ah, you're just pissed because if it weren't for rape, you wouldn't be here.

All right, Douchebag. If I knew how to successfully ban commenters, I'd shove a watermelon up your ass. Lay off the rape jokes, folks -- we're not that site. Take it to The Bastardly or something. I'll be deleting any further comments that have anything to do with raping anything other than a clown. -- DR

Posted by: Case at May 31, 2007 2:11 PM

nexus6, you remind me of someone I've never met from a message board I shall not name.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: Jerce at May 31, 2007 2:16 PM

...and Kate, stop spewing statistics at an authentic rape survivor and chill the fuck out, okay? Don't tell me there are no wailing-wall fora on the Internet for you to go to if you want to vent about rape. This's Pajiba.

And it is my dream that Dane Cook will get arrested for something revolting and wind up being Joe Francis' cellmate.

Posted by: Jerce at May 31, 2007 2:20 PM

Ha Jerce! Then they can cuddle and cry each other to sleep each night, like scared little girls.

Posted by: katy at May 31, 2007 2:49 PM

As an attendee at the university with the largest number of fraternities/sororities in the US (the latest stat was somewhere between 80-100 greek organizations), I've had a lot of conversations that go like this:

Person who I recently met and who, so far, seems pretty decent: Blah blah blah. That reminds me of something. Do you watch/listen to Dane Cook?

Me: Yeah, once. (This is supposed to mean: Yes, I once accidentally left Comedy Central on past a Lewis Black standup special and caught a nauseating 5-minute glimpse into a world to which I wish never to return).

Person for whom I have suddenly lost all respect: Yeah, well, there's this one thing he does where...blah, blah, blah.

Posted by: antoinette jeanine at May 31, 2007 2:53 PM

First...good looking out Jerce. Methinks Jen got a couple words mixed dislexic her head in around. Then she just couldn't WAIT to jump on me about it.

Second...NOTHING is too far...at least not for me. I can laugh at anything. Anyone see Finesse Mitchell on Fox News when he said 'you can tell a rape joke'? Guess what...you can. I've even been known to throw around a holocaust joke or two when i ashed my cigarette. (but no worries...i quit smoking) I'm not racist. I'm not sexist. I'm no 'ist' at all. Everyone is fair game to me. Because you know what...it's not the situation/act/topic that is funny...it's called the delivery. If you set it up right, you could make an altar boy laugh at a sodomy joke while a priest is still fucking his mouth.

Posted by: PissBoy at May 31, 2007 3:01 PM

So, just so we are clear...we can still rape clowns?


oh and , fascist pigs!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 3:09 PM

PS: Hitler=night of the long knives=J. Edgar Hoover=Trilaretal Commission=Pajiba Deletions.


same difference, pajiva man.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 3:17 PM

My best friend's douchebag ex-boyfriend-maybe-they're-getting-back-together-oh-please-god-I-hope-not has a quote on his Facebook from Dane Cook, something like:

"Okay, let's do this...I'm a peanut."

Somehow I don't grasp the humor.

Posted by: Ariel at May 31, 2007 3:18 PM

and you know what...i want to be a real annoying fucker right now and juxtapose the frequency of college campus sexual assault with the rise in popularity of Dane Cook. I am also willing to bet half the meatnecks that listen to him are half of the perpetrators. So if you think about it, based on Kate's arguement...she may be right. Since colleges are responsible Dane's rise, and he is completely unfunny, and more sexual assaults occur on college campuses than anywhere else then yes. Rape is not funny. Nothing to be laughed at. And is totally ill-received when performed on stage in front of semi-intelligent people. OK...enough with rape now. i don't want to get hit by a bus later or have retarded kids. But then again, how funny would a paraplegic with a downsy kid be?! :D That would be a riot!

Posted by: PissBoy at May 31, 2007 3:20 PM

I'd like to shit on his coat.

Posted by: nexus 6 at May 31, 2007 3:20 PM

Wow, ya'll! I used to love Pajiba! But see, I only recently started reading comments. I think I'll be suspending that activity. I was trying to say your vitriol was a bit strong, when being used to reference a potentially violent act. And here I get jumped all over. Jumped all over for saying, pretty diplomatically, you might have crossed the line.

Shucks. Pajiba readers aren't as uniformly cool as I thought.

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2007 3:26 PM

""Okay, let's do this...I'm a peanut."

Somehow I don't grasp the humor."

I hate to do this, but I can explain, Ariel. (That's as far as I can go--whether or not it's actually funny is up for debate...)

He was in the kitchen one day making a sandwich, and he had a stiffie. So, naturally, what does Dane Cook do when faced with a predicament? Sticks a cashew on his penis, treats said penis like a springboard, and catapults the cashew into his mouth. He tried it with a peanut, too, but it doesn't work since the shape is off. (This was his final joke that night. Thankfully).

Oh, and full disclaimer, I was dragged to Tourgasm when it was at my school because my best friend wanted to see Gary Gulman reeeeeeally badly, (um, sorta funny? Definitely decent to look at) and at the time I didn't know about the douchebaggery that is Dane Cook. Hence, sitting through nameless blonde comedian who ripped on his ex, nameless, kinda dumpy comedian who said vaginas "smell like feet", Gary Gulman, and, the grand finale, Dane Cook.

Posted by: em at May 31, 2007 3:37 PM

No...we are cool. You just might not be. And I do seriously hope you aren't offended by a goddamn message board...cuz that's pretty weak. Everything I type is typed with a smile. Granted i am cursing your name as I do it but that is neither here nor there. But I'm only kidding! (or am I?) ha! So yeah...umm...weak and stuff. (I'm running out of things to say. i never post this freuqently. Help me BarbadoSlim!!! How do you do it?! Also...please tell Jen no one hates her even though she would fail as a proofreader)

Posted by: PissBoy at May 31, 2007 3:37 PM

Don't tell me there are no wailing-wall fora on the Internet for you to go to if you want to vent about rape. This's Pajiba.

That's right -- this is Pajiba. A site I've followed religiously for two years for its hilarious commentary on pop culture as well as its insightful film and TV reviews. The Pajiba staffers offer work that's hard to find in the entertainment blogosphere, but recently, some of the commenters have brought this site to a new low. I get that you're building a sense of community, but a community that thinks any comment remotely related to the approval of rape is funny is a community that should move to the celebutard-loving wastelands of What Would Tyler Durden Do or Perez Hilton and their ilk. When Dustin has to step in and threaten a time out for the crass representatives of our society's lowest common denominator, you know you've crossed a line. This site is their baby, and you're treating it like the blog that your friend's friend's muumuu-clad, chain-smoking dictator writes, and that you could do better work than they can. Guess what: You can't.

Posted by: Sarah at May 31, 2007 4:00 PM

Jen - No group is as uniformly cool as people think/hope they are. And it's even more difficult to judge in our new fangled world of mass faceless contact. I've stopped looking at other blog posts in the past and have stopped participating in certain forum discussions, and have never regretted it. Sometimes it's the best decision, and one that is made on a personal basis.

Posted by: katy at May 31, 2007 4:13 PM

Sarah--Thanks.

And just to be clear, I still love Pajiba. I never watch a movie without reading your review first to make sure I'm not wasting my money. The site is awesome.

And I'm sure most pajiba readers are still cool. I've loved every comment diversion, and I always think, Wow, this community of readers has great taste. I'll bet they're all a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with.

But inevitably there will be one or two folks out there who use the anonymity of the internets to express points of view that they could never get away with saying out loud in an enlightened society without getting shut down. So they save their views, which may include secretly condoning the gang-fucking of a girl whose desire to be gang-fucked remains ambiguous.

But since the internets are society too, anonymity be damned, it's great to be able to say, You know, you've gone too far with that one. So those of you who go too far may get defensive and turn your vitriol on the person who calls you out. But you've kind of proved the point, which is, ultimately, that you are somewhere on the line between misanthrope and sociopath. Rather than getting angry perhaps you should read over your own posts and consider the extent of the unmerited anger and violence found in them. Just consider it. And think about whether you would dare to say that to a stranger on the street. Because if not, then you probably shouldn't be saying it in an online community. Just because I've got no recourse except to respond in a comment doesn't make it any less poor behavior, nor any less destructive to Pajiba and whatever other communities you inhabit online.

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2007 4:19 PM

I'm in a sorority, but I don't like Dane Cook. Does that make me only half despicable?

Posted by: Amanda at May 31, 2007 4:21 PM

I'm speechless, is THIS what this PC bullshit has come to. I'm as liberal as you can get to the left side of a communist ( I in fact WAS a COMMIE for a while). In my line of work I get to see victims and aggressors and have been on both sides. There's a lot of pain and hate. We don't need to get all deep up in here, I'm pretty sure 99.999999999% of folks here are just trying to make you laugh.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 4:23 PM

I thought anti-PC agitators were generally whiteright-wing. I'm surprised that a left-identifying person would argue that social censure should not be brought to bear on people with potentially destructive thoughts (and treating an issue like comedy is one way of delegitimizing).

I also find it interesting that his right to say it earns your defense, but not my right to say, "shut up, dude."

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2007 4:32 PM

What the fuck is going on here? The last two comment threads I read descended into arguments about rape and anorexia. Seriously, folks. MOVIES. TELEVISION. MUSIC. That's the fucking theme.

Sheesh.

Posted by: TK at May 31, 2007 4:38 PM

For the record, Pissboy said he "wished she would get gang fucked", let's emphasize the WISH part and let's just think about what that actually implies. He's saying he hopes this thing happens to her, and he hopes this thing happens to her because he hates her because she got a Dane Cook tattoo. What seems more likely is that PissBoy, like Jen did, uses the term gang fuck/gang bang and gang rape interchangeably and presumed it would be a negative experience the Dane Cook tattoo girl would not want to happen to her, which is why he wished it would happen to her, which is rape.

Do you fuckers NOT REALIZE that almost all of the Pajiba staff are feminist in some way, even if they don't self identify? They FLAT OUT say it, they talk about feminist theory in their reviews,critic sexism in movies and have actually negatively reviewed movies based nearly completely on their sexist content or simple uncool roles of women. Or did you sexist pigs just gloss over that fact?

Dustin even told you pieces of shit to lay off the rape jokes. And when someone speaks out about it you start ranting about being PC and how funny rape is and how it's just Pajiba and giving her a hard time. IT IS PAJIBA and maybe you asshats just don't know what that means exactly.

Thanks for your support, Dustin. Sexual Harassment on blogs is a growing problem, and I appreciate your swift intervention.

Posted by: Miranda at May 31, 2007 4:57 PM

I'm not positive if anyone mentioned this beforehand but Bachelor No. 2 sounds like flat out plagiarism. Check out the very little known (and not really well written/executed) Mr. Fix It at IMDB

Posted by: Ninjajeje at May 31, 2007 5:23 PM

I have to agree with Jen and Sarah.

I read Pajiba for general bitchery, wit and intelligence, not crass lowest-common-denominator cruelty. Some of these commenters are just plain not funny. They're confusing shock value with humor and turning into cyber bullies.

Sure, you have the right to express your point of view, but don't be surprised if others object when you cross the line. Dustin's right - this is not that site.

Posted by: DG at May 31, 2007 6:28 PM

"I also find it interesting that his right to say it earns your defense, but not my right to say, "shut up, dude."


I ah, never said that you don't have the right to tell me to shut the hell up. I might not like what you have to say but I'd die to defend your right to say it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 6:49 PM

Stating, "I was only joking," does not absolve a person of responsibility for their words, nor does it diminish their personal impact.

The seeds of rape thrive in the soil of a culture that makes sexist, misogynistic comments. Attempting to justify those comments by calling them humor does not prevent them from acting as fertilizer to perpetrators.

Statistically, Mr. pissboy, there is no doubt that someone close to you has been sexually assaulted. Should you actually speak this way in public, I hope they find it as amusing as you do.

Posted by: ReverendShannon at May 31, 2007 6:58 PM

(BarbadoSlim, I wasn't saying the "Shut up, dude" to you. That was my summary of what I said to PissBoy, which you had trouble with, for being PC).

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2007 7:17 PM

Jen, Sarah and Miranda - damn well said, all of you.

Posted by: Loob at May 31, 2007 7:21 PM

You know what, you win, for the record, I don't think PissBoy was trying to offend anyone. I stand by that.

As for what happened here, for me it started as a fun little ...whatever internet thing, but it has been very revealing.

I'm not sure what to think but, apparently there's one more thing off limits. And it keeps growing and growing to where there's nothing you can say.

I'll end this with a thought I've had for a while now: we will rue the day my friends, we will rue the day...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 31, 2007 7:33 PM

Why don't they call 'Joshua' 'Dexter The Early Years'?

Posted by: Candy at May 31, 2007 7:53 PM

Christ on a fucking cracker, I left for 9 hours, and this is what happened? Don't you people have jobs?

Enough! Please get back to mocking the mockworthy. If you have a rape joke that you think is funny, go try it out on a live audience. If you can convince them, then come back and post it. Multiple respectable females (I'm assuming) on the thread have objected, and that should be enough. It's not about censorship, it's about respect for the others here; if you don't have it, take a fucking hike.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 31, 2007 8:05 PM

wow...people need to learn to laugh.

No i was not using gang-fucked interchangably with some sort of sexual assault. I can see that YES it would come off that way but in the non-assault way it implies my wish for said she to be used up and spit out. That is all. I seem to have created my own 'Sand in the vagina' moment. NOW...that is flashback humor. Anyone who doesn't know what I am talking about needs to go back and read one of the older posts because someone used that term and all hell broke loose. Would my comment have been less 'hurtful' if it had read 'I wish she would get gang-fucked by a band of angry koalas'? Sure it would have...because thinking about Koalas running a train is funny as shit.

In response to statistics...yes, someone VERY close to me has been assaulted and nothing ever came of it due to intimidation from the aggressor's family of all things. I will be the one here to admit, yes...SOME things aren't funny...but guess what. To ME, if the delivery is right, EVERYTHING is funny. Everyone on this board who is chastizing me or anyone else has laughed at an unsavory joke on more than one occasion throughout life. And if you say you haven't, you're a fucking liar and a chicken shit for not owning up to it. I can tell a racist joke. I can tell an anti-feminist joke. I can tell a joke. It doesn't matter. I can dish it out. And I can take it. That's exactly why I can sit here calm as a hindu cow and reply. This is a comment board. That's it. Now, I've said that my comment can be taken out of context and admit that it can be inflammatory...but everyone just CALM THE FUCK DOWN and let's get back to hating Dane Cook. If there is one thing that is truly not funny, it is he. Now...let's all get together, hug it out, shut the fuck up, and move on. I love to argue and I love to stir up the shit...but fucking let it go. Go read about movies that are like life.

Posted by: PissBoy at May 31, 2007 8:15 PM

Sigh.

Posted by: Ranylt at May 31, 2007 9:24 PM

I blame Dane Cook for all the hating.

I admit I found him mildly amusing and childish until I saw him on Tourgasm, which would have been more aptly named Toolgasm.

Posted by: greer at May 31, 2007 9:27 PM

As a matter of fact it would have been less hurtful to have added koalas, not less disgusting or unfunny or smarter, but less hurtful, because 1 in 4 women do not get gang raped by koalas, but they DO get gang raped at college parties.

Why can't you just accept that what you said was inappropriate, and that it hurt several of the women on this board, and that the publisher of this blog explicitly told everyone not to make rape jokes? You already admitted that what you said could easily be misconstrued, using the excuse that you just wish she would be used up and spit out, as if being "used up and spit out" isn't essentially what happens when a woman is raped anyway.

But if you want to talk about comedy and humor and delivery and joke telling skills, fine, we can talk about that. Basically, in addition to be offensive and inappropriate, aside from the subject matter, YOUR joke was about as funny as Dane Cook.

Posted by: Miranda at May 31, 2007 10:05 PM

Wow! Everyone's so ANGRY today. I don't want to add to that but, I've spent most of the day thinking about writing a comment, and although I'm not sure that it's relevant or useful at this point, I'm going to give it a shot.

First off, for the sake of transparency, I am a very-liberal female who considers herself a feminist. (I wouldn't call myself a feminazi, but other people have- and that's fine by me.)

Rape is definitely not funny. I wasn't amused by Pissboy's comment. I was equally unamused by Case's, but I was more offended by it. I think that Pissboy's intention, however misguided I think it, was to be humorous. Case on the other hand appeared to be aiming for offensive. And I think that the intention really does matter in how you respond to this sort of thing. (Also, satire is generally entirely different, and doesn't diminish serious matters- in my mind, at least.)

I think Pissboy's belief that "you could make an altar boy laugh at a sodomy joke while a priest is still fucking his mouth" is misguided and untrue. If he wants to aim for that effect, he shouldn't be surprised when people get upset.

The fact of the matter is that most of the people who are upset by his comment are women, while the majority of the people defending these jokes appear to be male. (I'm making these assumptions based on what I've picked up from lurking the past two months and from handles.) I think this probably has something to do with the fact that while rape happens to both genders, an estimated 91% of rape victims are female. And, to reiterate, 1/4 women will be sexually assulted. I'm not trying to 'spew' statistics, I'm simply pointing out that women are far more likely to be affected by these issues. And most women I know, whether they have been victims of sexual assault or not, have experienced the fear that accompanies the realization that rape is very impersonal and can happen to anyone. (Example: for me, it was in high school, when I learned that what most stranger-rapists remember about their victims is the type of shoes they were wearing at the time and how fast they could run in them- not looks, dress, etc.)

So, what I'm saying is that I think men are far more likely to make this type of joke (whether its of the sort in question, or of the more oblique 'my econ exam raped me' sort), simply because they have a different conception of, and relationship with, rape than most women.

And ultimately I'd ask that they'd consider both these different conceptions of rape, and the gravity of the matter, before making these jokes.

P.S. I'd like to say that I sincerely appreciate the efforts of the Pajiba staff to present an (empathetically) gender-balanced site

Posted by: StandUp at May 31, 2007 10:13 PM

As long as we're talking about censorship, I want anyone who ever writes "I just threw up a little in my mouth" to be censored from now on. That phrase was real funny, then got real old, real fast.

Posted by: CAN at May 31, 2007 11:16 PM

I've read a few of Pissboy's comments over the months and concluded that he is a lameass who thinks he's "shocking" and "funny". He thinks that if he mentions child-molestation and rape in the context of a "joke", he's real cutting-edge, and those who get offended, well, they're just big ol' politically-correct wet-blankets with no sense of humour.

Piss boy, darling, risque things can indeed be amusing - but you're NOT. The thing about jokes is that someone, somewhere, should be laughing - and I just can't see that being the case here... I don't think even you're really laughing at your own "jokes" if you were honest. You're not smart or witty enough to make that kind of comedy work. Sorry, but that's how it is. Give it up. You're about as funny as a fork in the eye.

Posted by: L2 at June 1, 2007 1:40 AM

"children in formalwear are nothing but vessels for the forces of darkness"

that actually made me laugh uncontrollably. thank you.

also, dane cook sucks. seriously.

Posted by: hannah at June 1, 2007 1:47 AM

Who is this Dane Cook person?

Posted by: Dude Manbro at June 1, 2007 1:50 AM

Oh yeah, and you really shouldn't bother typing earnest replies as to why rape's not funny - it just encourages him. He's doing it for attention, and so he can feel like he has a superior sense of humour - one that PC people just "don't get". What he fails to realise is that no-one gets it - even rapists don't think he's funny.

Posted by: L2 at June 1, 2007 1:52 AM

pretend all you want, but you know who dane cook is. and it eats at you. like it eats at me. like it eats at all of us. we all know who he is. he's our older brother. asshole.

Posted by: jordan at June 1, 2007 2:18 AM

I've made the unbelievable mistake of watching the first SNL episode in one of the latest seasons. SNL "shucks it long and shucks it hard" (in the wise words of that fake Sean Connery), for a long time, now. Cook's 15-minute monologue without a single joke in it finally made me promise never to watch that thing again. Not even if Belushi and Hartman come to the rescue.

Posted by: Gargumma at June 1, 2007 2:22 AM

"What the fuck is going on here? The last two comment threads I read descended into arguments about rape and anorexia. Seriously, folks. MOVIES. TELEVISION. MUSIC. That's the fucking theme.

Sheesh."

Amen, TK. Afuckingmen.

My interest in internet based arguments stops the second someone starts up with the "well I actually know someone who suffered heinous act xyz" to which someone is bound to come back with "Well, if we're putting a personal spin on things - speaking as someone who's had experience of xyz..". It's as pointless as it is annoying. Give it a rest people.

Can we go back to discussing the laziness of using "douchey guy with great girl" as a plot device? Or perhaps a discussion of the male leads in romantic literature? The fuckability of Nathan Fillion? Anything?

Please? I'd even take the Shrek 3 comments thread over this crap.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 1, 2007 4:32 AM

I have a College age sister. She vehemently denies that Dane Cook is anything other than a comedic genius. This is a young lady who listens to Emo on a regular basis. My Conclusion "pretty" boys... be they tall blond and douchy, or scrawny, pale and eyelinered, cause otherwise intelligent young women to spiral into a somewhat giddy drunk-like stupor... These young women will laugh at no matter what the "comedian" says, and thier hearts will ache no matter how lame and pretentious the lyrics are.
In conclusion:
weak!

Posted by: Carrie at June 1, 2007 5:40 AM

I'm surprised that a left-identifying person would argue that social censure should not be brought to bear on people with potentially destructive thoughts

I was going to screed but I cannot elaborate on the statement above to illuminate any more clearly why people like you horrify me.

Posted by: Jerce at June 1, 2007 7:44 AM

To reiterate I never made a rape joke...as explained above. Good christ.

However, i can see that i have stirred up a hornets nest here with some very misguided humor. What i can laugh about when I'm with my friends who know me well and someone says something inappropriately funny, then someone has to top that, etc, etc (the my dick is bigger than your syndrome) that comment would have just been taken in stride. However, here, i am amongst people with common taste in film, but alas, NOT people who know me. Saying that the level with which I don't enjoy a comedian is reason enough not to monitor what i say amongst a group of. essentially, strangers, is not an excuse. I enjoy Pajiba. I read it every day. Often multiple times a day. I love the reviews and the reviewers. I enjoy the insightful and often times equally amusing comments by my fellow readers. But I have successfully ruined a comment stream that had the potential for wit beyond what I attempted. For everyone I offended, I apologize. For all the acid being spit my way, I can see that I deserve it from some people's perspectives. There is an anonimity on a comment board that can prevent me from thinking before I 'speak'. My current moods, bad work day, quitting smoking are no excuse for the fact that i just kept going and going and going with what was obviously being taken as a debasement of humor. I will say I don't like being called 'sociopathic' but whatever. This is only a comment board and people were obviously offended by what i said. What you say to me bothers me about as long as it takes me to read a comment. So yeah...I'm sure people will read this with heaps of sarcasm, but shit, I ruined one of the favorite parts of my day. (By the way...I'm not very good with apologies so if it reads like shit it's because it's awkward) Lastly, I never meant to come off as shock-jockish with the comment. It was funny to me at the time. Was obviously NOT a good idea. Kind of like 'Patch Adams.'

Posted by: PissBoy at June 1, 2007 8:27 AM

Pissboy,

Thank you and let's hope that's the end of it. From BOTH sides.

-TK

Amen. And look down -- Dane Cook ring tones(!) -- DR

Posted by: TK at June 1, 2007 9:20 AM

Word.

Posted by: PissBoy at June 1, 2007 9:52 AM

"Anyone else notice the annoying similarities between Dane Cook's arrogant expression in so many photos and Chevy Chase in his prime?"

Interesting observation. I think CC, wretched in person though he is, had more humor and charisma in his scrotum than Cook presently has in his entire body. I also think he's better-looking. Mind you, this is coming from somebody who actually thought DC was hysterical when he first came on the scene. In the immortal words of Fred Willard, wha' happen'?

Posted by: Samantha T at June 1, 2007 10:30 AM

" That's exactly why I can sit here calm as a hindu cow and reply."

Hey I take offense to that! LOL. Wow everyone's gotten really riled up by this. Whew. I thought the sand in the vagina comment was bad....

Posted by: S at June 1, 2007 12:39 PM

Thanks for apologizing.

Do you happen to have a picture of said Dane Cook Tattoo?

Posted by: Miranda at June 1, 2007 2:59 PM

I will say one more thing - as a lover of tattoos... getting a tat of someone you don't know, especially a flash-in-the-pan celeb like Cook, has got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of.

I'd hazard that this girls own regret in a few years will be ample punishment.

Posted by: TK at June 1, 2007 3:36 PM

Maybe Jessica Alba called Dane Cook a young Steve Martin because Steve did the same "naming your kid joke."

Posted by: Wheezy at June 1, 2007 3:45 PM

a guy named Chuck whose girlfriends all wind up getting engaged as soon as they break up with him

Hey! I dated a guy like that--and like most of his other girlfriends, the next guy I dated was my future husband.

You can add me to the list of people who have never even seen Dane Cook before (though I did live overseas for awhile--maybe that's why).

Posted by: Lainie at June 1, 2007 4:22 PM

"The script will be written by Michael Arndt, who won on Oscar for writing the almost-too-quirky-but-saved-by-Steve-Carell Little Miss Sunshine."




Sorry to nitpick, but shouldn't it be "won an Oscar..."?

Posted by: Alex at June 1, 2007 4:26 PM

Just read just about all of the comments and i have concluded that L2 is the shit. i would say pissboy is coming off like a douche bag, but it just seems so obvious.

Posted by: CC at June 1, 2007 4:52 PM

Poor, poor Sam Rockwell... he's fallen to playing the doofus dad in a killer kid movie. Ouch.

Posted by: Sean at June 1, 2007 5:28 PM

Thus far, I've managed to avoid any exposure to Dane Cook. Which, good, right? Except now I'm afraid I've never had the chance to develop the proper antibodies and can possibly die if I ever accidentally see something with him in it.

Posted by: Craig at June 1, 2007 8:37 PM

I have to admit that after watching the preview for "Joshua", Pissboys comment had me laughing.
Whatever.

My husband FORCED me to watch Dane Cook, some 2 hour plus DVD of his stand up. He swore he was funny and I would like him. I was online the entire time, and once it was over I told him

"I will NEVER again watch that piece of shit."

(not to beat on a dead horse, but I think he had some jokes about abuse that werent funny and he totally offended me, as well as being an asshole and completely un-fucking funny.)

I couldnt believe my husband who usually has such great taste in comedy liked that crap. And I cant believe that he has such a huge following.

Posted by: Elizebeth at June 2, 2007 12:36 AM

Aww, PissBoy! I've long found your comments on Pajiba to be pretty damned entertaining (and for the record, I think you unfairly took more flak than some other, more mean-spirited commenters in this thread). Please, don't ever stop being a smart-ass. And your apology sounded like it came from the heart, buddy--that was cool.

That said, let us all come together in love, and get back to the true spirit of Pajiba. Come on, say it with me, kids:

Dane Cook is an effing idiot!!!

(oh, and let us also enjoy movie reviews and such)

Posted by: MO at June 2, 2007 7:46 AM

I started reading the comments, and about halfway through I completely forgot the intelligent and witty remark I was going to make (some great discussion regarding rape, though; thanks for all the enlightening comments. If I didn't have the internet to teach me right from wrong, how would I learn?).

So isntead I'll just say this: Dane is an ass. He doesn't even deserve a bigger word to describe him. I was channel surfing and flipped past the Comedy Network as he was flopping around on stage, and I died a little inside.

Posted by: Lisa at June 2, 2007 4:00 PM

I saw Joshua at Sundance.

It was awful. Just horrendous. If any of you can, please avoid that horrible horrible movie. It was much better when it was a little more supernatural and called "The Omen".

Posted by: mangrilla at June 2, 2007 7:58 PM

Seriously, what was this 'Dane Cook' tattoo like? Was it of his face? Or that stupid symbol he has?
I actually watched Employee of the Month (for free, via alluc.org) and have to admit, as terrible as it and Jessica Simpson were, Dane Cook came across as a cool guy. So, I figured, why not check out some of his standup and see what the fuss was about?
Oh my god, that guy is terrible! I'm the sort of person who, when I'm at the Comedy Store and some comedian is dying on stage, I'll try to laugh loudly in support, but he was just plain awful! And he apparently steals jokes.

Joshua on the other hand... poor Mr Rockwell is all I'll say to that one!

Posted by: franfran at June 3, 2007 11:10 AM

I'm pretty sure that this message board is dead, but I'm watching the MTV Movie Awards right now, and Dane is introducing the movie spoofs. AND.....he's TERRIBLE!!!! Lame. His jokes aren't funny, he's trying way way way too hard.

Posted by: Ariel at June 3, 2007 8:53 PM

The tattoo is on her right shin of the supermiddlefinger thing. ::sigh::

Posted by: PissBoy at June 4, 2007 2:03 PM

"The tattoo is on her right shin of the supermiddlefinger thing. ::sigh::"


Oh. Dear. God. Dead as this thread may be, I just had to know! Poor girl. Although I think I've heard of worse...

Posted by: franfran at June 5, 2007 4:45 PM

Dane Cook rips off jokes, and his movie poster rips off American Apparel ads.

Posted by: slc at June 11, 2007 10:18 PM