MARVEL / LIVEBLOGGING THE 90s / CELEBRITY FACTS / MINDHOLE BLOWERS / NETFLIX


November 19, 2007 | Comments ()


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I! Am! Marshall! Beowulf!

Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 19, 2007 | Comments ()


5. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: My favorite comment over the weekend in the Magorium thread was this: “Dustin, it’s not a critic’s job to ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ a movie, man. Get your stuff together. If you analyze this crap and realize that it’s, well, crap, then put it out the right and honest way. Pretty please?” I apologize to that commenter for allowing my own opinion of the film to seep into the review (film reviews are no place for a critic’s opinion, obv.), and to make amends, here’s a my new mini-review, the profanity-laced diatribe that you deserve:

This new form of extreme whimsy makes me feel like a green-skinned kewpie doll holding back a half-gallon of split-pea regurgitation and that Natalie Portman represents all that is wrong with modern cinema because that bitch dared to go to Harvard and what kind of uppity c*nt procures an education at an elite school and has the audacity to continue her Hollywood career afterwards. Fuck her. And fuck Zach Helm for making a film that didn’t warrant outright rejection — doesn’t that asshole know that I have a scathing/bitchy quota? How dare that motherfucker direct a film that isn’t particularly great but that I didn’t outright loathe despite its uvula-punching whimsy. Helm: You’ve embarrassed me for the last time, you cock monkey.

Is that honest enough? Total: $10 million.

4. Fred Claus Vince Vaughn and company added another $12 million to the meager Claus’ kitty. Nevertheless, as we reported a few months back, Vaughn hasn’t given up on Christmas flicks; during the 2008 holiday season, he’ll be back in Four Christmases as one-half of a married couple that must spend time with all four divorced parents. The other half: Reese Witherspoon. I just don’t see it. How often do couples with three-foot height discrepancies wed? (Weekend: $12 million; Total: $36 million).

3. American Gangster Although Denzel Washington has 45 credits to his name, five Oscar nominations and two wins, and a six-year arc on “St. Elsewhere,” the one thing the man has never done is comedy. In fact, for one of the best actors of his generation, the man doesn’t take a lot of risks in his career. C’mon, Denzel: Like it’d kill you to do an Apatow comedy. How cool would it be to see the freakin’ Hurricane star alongside Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill in: Two Fats Guys and an Oscar Winner. Gold, people. Gold. Weekend: $13 million; Total: $101 million.

2. Bee Movie I’ve got absolutely nothing left to say about Bee Movie, now in its third week in the top five. So, I’ll hand the keyboard over to Lil Pajiba and see what he comes up with: “NomkioiojjjjommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmZXXX\][[[]=[];////QQj njmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm N N666666T Tgmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn mznmL,,LK;HLK IJP VCKM FJOMFVJDXJUDXJDKKDJHSHHHH.”

That’s about right. (Weekend: $14 million; Total: $94 million.)

1. Beowulf I dunno what the hell is going on in the Beowulf comment thread — some sort of debate over whether animation is acceptable or not, and something about anti-animation prejudices, which apparently makes you ignorant. Mostly, though, it’s a lot of backbiting and general kvetchery — if you’re playing Alex the Odd’s drinking game in this thread you’re probably already dead (except for socalledonlycousins, who soaks his liver in a jar next to his dentures every night). Meanwhile, this new form of exclamation-point cinema that originated with either 300 or We! Are! Marshall! is annoying the piss out of me — apparently, everyone born before Christ spoke in staccato. I! Am! Beowulf! Hi. How are you. My name is Dustin. Please stop yelling at me. Total: $28 million.

* Other Notables: Love in the Time of Cholera debuted at number ten, with less than $2 million, while Richard Kelly’s Donnie Darko follow-up, Southland Tales, bombed in limited release, racking up only $117,000 in 63 theaters. Reviews of both films will be up today.

On DVD, there are plenty of new releases for Thanksgiving week: Live Free or Die Hard, Hairspray and Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause. And if you’re feeling anti-family movie over the holiday, pick up Rescue Dawn.



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