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May 14, 2008 |

By Seth Freilich | Industry | May 14, 2008 |

Take one part HBO, one part Alexander Payne, and one giant cock, and you get “Hung.” The not-TV-network’s latest show is a dark comedy about a high school basketball coach who is floundering through life. With a giant cock. Thankfully, Payne’s directing the pilot, not writing it, because his most recent writing credit is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. The show is being written by Dmitry Lipkin, who created “The Riches,” and Colette Burson, who … hasn’t really done anything. So we’ll have to wait and see if this show is flaccid or erect.

And speaking of big cocks, let’s talk about the Dallas Cowboys.

We’re less than four months away from the start of the NFL season, bitches. For those that couldn’t care less, move on down to the next paragraph. But the rest of you will surely be happy to know that HBO is giving us another installment of “Hard Knocks.” And they’re going back to a team they’ve followed before — the Dallas Cowgirlsboys. HBO is predicting this will be the highest rated version of the show yet, thanks to T.O., Pacman Jones and the whole Tony HomoRomo/Jessica Simpson shit, although none of them will “be the center of it all” (and thankfully, the HBO and NFL Films folks are saying that we shouldn’t expect to see much of Jessica unless she hits the field to do some 7-on-7 drills). Whatever. I love “Hard Knocks” and I’m even OK with it featuring the sports team I hate above all other sports teams. Especially if they end up doing as well this season as the focus of last year’s show, the Kansas City Chiefs, did last year.

So, uhm, hey — remember when the writers went on strike and all but killed the current season of TV. Well buckle up for round two, because talks have now broken down between the actors and studio-folk. And once again, the brunt of the battle is over DVD residuals and the ever amorphous “new media.” Yes, there’s still a good bit of time for shit to get resolved, as the SAG contracts don’t expire until the end of June. But if shit isn’t resolved by then, I think we can expect an immediate strike, which will make next fall like this winter — scattered new episodes and a lot of reality TV. So get ready for “Celebrity Pet Salamanders,” hosted by Alfonso Ribeiro.

But if SAG doesn’t go on a strike and wind up mucking shit up, there’s some good news over at AMC — they’ve renewed “Breaking Bad” and upped the episode order from seven to thirteen. The first season, for those who missed it, was really fantastic. A leisurely (almost deathly slow, at times) pace you rarely get on network TV, some dark, dark humor, and a knocked-out-of-the-ballpark performance by Brian Cranston. When it hits reruns or the DVDs, you could do yourself a lot worse than checking it out.

And in more good news, you Browncoats know who Morena Baccarin is. For the rest of you, she’s a gorgeous actress who played a “companion” (i.e., high-high class whore) on “Firefly.” Well she’s got herself a new potential gig. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’s in an untitled pilot about new law firm associates in an LA law firm. I believe I’ve talked about this show before. First of all, we don’t need more fucking law shows. Second of all, seriously. We don’t need more fucking law shows. And third of all, I’ve lived the life of a new law firm associate in an LA law firm and. Fuck. You. We didn’t have nobody at my firm what looked like Baccarin. Nobody like that at my current firm, either. Stupid TV and its stupid not-being-reality ….

Well it looks like we now have at least one former 90210er confirmed for appearances on the CW’s reboot (which, unsurprisingly, has been officially picked up as a series). Jennie Garth will be reprising Brandon fucking, Dylan fucking, cult member, stuck in a fire, coke whore, diet pill whore, stalked, date raped, regular raped, amnesiac Kelly Taylor. Kelly’s all grown up now, of course, and she’s a guidance counselor at West Beverly High. Garth hasn’t signed on as a regular, however; rather, Kelly Taylor will be a recurring role. I suspect that Kelly Taylor 2.0 won’t have the type of terrible things befall her that Kelly Taylor 1.0 did. Which is a shame, really, because that ridiculous getting-stuck-in-a-burning-house-with-Bitch-Crazy was one of my favorite moments on that show ever. Good times. (There’s also a rumor that Tori Spelling will be returning too, although it’s just a rumor at this point, and her cleavage crevice refused to comment.)

Hmmm… I’m now officially worried about the upcoming new season of “Weeds.” I still enjoyed last season, but it was a definite step down from the year before. And some small rumors are starting to come out about the next season that point to some real disturbances in the Force. (Spoiler Warning if you’re not up-to-date.) It comes as no surprise that the show will no longer be set in Agrestic, what with shit having burnt down. So I don’t care that they’re moving to a new seaside town. But I am bothered by the rumors that: (i) “Little Boxes” won’t be the opening theme anymore; (ii) Tonye Patano (Heylia) will no longer be on the show; and (iii) Romany Malco (Conrad) won’t be on the show either. No Conrad? Shit, he’s one of the best things about that show, especially as Mary-Louise Parker’s Nancy becomes more despicable with each passing episode. This news is totally harshing my mellow.

Returning to our introductory theme of big cocks, NBC has made it official — the post “The Tonight Show” slot will be going to Jimmy Fallon next year when Conan takes over for Leno. Jesus.

But in good news, the Sci Fi channel has added another cast member to “Caprica,” which already has Esai Morales as the head of the Adama family, along with Paula Malcomson as a surgeon and double agent. The head of the Graystone family (the rival family to the Adamas) and the man responsible for creating the first Cylon, has been cast. And it’s the Fly (II) himself, Eric Stoltz. Hasn’t he learned that playing with science gets you nothing but trouble? But I’m pretty stoked (stolzed?) about this, as I’m a fan of the Stoltz.

OK, so this column is wicked long already, and there’s so much more to talk about as the mini-upfronts are going on in NYC this week. I’ll be getting into the details more later this week and early next week (check back in a few hours for my ABC column). But in the meantime, let’s end with a quick rundown of what we know so far (this isn’t exhaustive — I’ve just picked what I felt like mentioning):

Shows that got renewed: “Boston Legal,” “Reaper,” “Til Death,” “Scrubs” (on ABC, so I guess it’s not technically a renewal), “Eli Stone,” “The Unit” (yeah!), “New Adventures of Old Christine” and “How I Met Your Mother.”

Show that are canceled: “New Amsterdam” (so much for immortality), “October Road” (about fucking time), “Canterbury’s Law,” “Bionic Woman,” “Journeyman,” “Women’s Murder Club,” “Moonlight,” “Shark” and “Back to You” (which is being shopped to other networks).

The two sci-fi pilots that Fox has picked up as midseason shows, so enjoy five out-of-order episodes if you can find them: “Fringe” (J.J. Abrams’ “X-Files” knock-off) and “Dollhouse” (Joss Whedon fans, lick your lips).

Other pilots that got picked up: “Virtuality” (Ron Moore’s holodeck show, with Peter Berg possibly directing the pilot) and the “Life on Mars” remake.

Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television editor.He hasn’t been able to think about anything all week except for two “BSG” Sixes kissing. Sure, it was a tragic thing more than an erotic thing, but still. I mean … you know … cause … god bless.

Oh, and it’s true ladies. He is hung like a Pajiba.

That TV Whore, He's Hung Like a Pajiba

The Daily Trade Round-Up / The TV Whore
May 14, 2008

Industry | May 14, 2008 |

Seth is a Senior Editor and sometime critic. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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