web
counter
 

12-15-2008.ngl_15slumKO.GCT2HICBD.1.jpg
The Whitewash Is Over

The Weekly Geek / Claude Weaver III

Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments (35)


Remember how you felt when we all first heard about the supposed casting of M Night Shyamalan’s Avatar: The Last Airbender movie? That feeling of bile and anger in your blood as you read that Jesse McCartney was being considered for Zuko?

Well you can take a breather, albeit a shallow one. Shyamalan (in what is either a rare moment of clarity, an even rarer moment of listening to other people, or possibly a deft move that belies a craftier intelligence originally thought possible) has cast Dev Patel, the star of the Oscar darling Slumdog Millionaire and an honest-to-God East Indian, in the film. And better yet, he is replacing McCartney as Zuko, who had to back out due to scheduling conflicts (although getting some damn sense into his head may have been a factor as well). So dance a jig of victory.

America’s enemies have struck again, this time with the help of video game maker Nintendo. A mother in Knightville, IN was shocked to discover that her daughter’s copy of a Nintendo DS game had a virtual baby spouting the phrase “Islam is the light” during a simulated bath. The really weird part: the same mother, months previous, found out that her younger daughter’s baby doll ALSO said the phrase.



Sounds like a good time to develop our own plush Godtopuses with helpful sound bites like “The Tentacle is the Way”, “There is an ‘I’ in Godtopi”, and “Convert or die.” They should be read by Liam Neeson, whose voice powers are explained here.

Now I am about to get real obscure in the geekery in here. Fasten your seatbelts: There is going to be a sequel to Hawk the Slayer.

For those of you going “wha?” Hawk the Slayer is a cheesetastic 1980 fantasy flick of great proportions. Red Sonja has nothing on this flick. Hell, Krull has nothing on this flick. It starred John Terry (Jack’s dad on “Lost”) as the mighty warrior Hawk, who is fighting to free his homeland from the tyrannical grip of his brother Voltan, played by, of all people, JACK PALANCE. It’s awefulsomeness caused comic shop owner Bilbo Bagshot to punch his own father (who dared call it rubbish) on an episode of “Spaced.”

Here is the trailer, in case you doubt me:



Original Hawk helmer Terry Marcel is partnering with Jinga Films for the $10 million Hawk the Hunter, with British actor Tom Hardy (Star Trek: Nemesis, Layer Cake, RockNRolla) to wield the Sword of Mind (how is that not awesome?). Voltan has yet to be cast.

In what maybe the weirdest spinoff news yet, The Star Wars franchise is getting a new entry: horror. Well at least in the books, anyway. Author Joe Schrieber has finished his book Deathtroopers, which is currently up for an October 27th release. He is keeping details hush-hush, but the story reportedly takes place before Star Wars: A New Hope.

Says Schrieber on his blog:


I had the time of my life on this one, I have to say. I’m doing the final edits now, and I’ve tried to make it into exactly the kind of book you’d want to read if you were a child of the 70s who grew up with the original Star Wars trilogy and really digs horror in the vein of The Shining and Alien, with a little dose of William Gibson mixed in.


I can’t see how it can be any scarier than Episode III being the final movie, but hey, give it a shot, buddy. The title does kinda invoke a possible undead situation. Zombies and lightsabers….shit, that might actually get me to like zombies.

This week’s comic suggestion is for the horror fans out there. Devil Due’s Hack/Slash takes place in a world where “slashers,” near-superhuman homicidal maniacs in the vein of your favorite movie killers, are a real threat. Cassie Hack, the lone survivor and daughter of a slasher known as The Lunch Lady, has partnered up with Vlad, a massive, enigmatic being, to hunt slashers before they kill too many. Think of it as R-rated “Buffy” as done by early John Carpenter.

As far as this week’s trailer, once again there seems to be a bit of a dry spell. It was either another Watchmen viral video, or the latest update from Dragonball: Evolutions (this time, with flying jeep and an actual dragon!).

I think I chose right.



You can see images for the Tales of the Black Freighter animated short here.

On a personal note: These viral videos are actually a pretty ingenious way around a key problem with adapting Watchmen: all the ancillary material. The series was chock full of background info that, while not really needed to understand the plot, really fleshed it out. By putting this material in a similar form online, and one assumes on the eventual DVD release, Snyder may have found a way around that pitfall. If he plays his cards right, he might just satisfy a few fanboys anyway.

You can read an interview with Snyder here, where he discusses how he got the project off the ground, his reaction to the Fox suit, and his “sequel” pitch that stopped Warner Brothers cold.

Claude Weaver III, aka Vermillion, has found the truth about Pixar’s success here. He can be found hiding under his blog, Vermillion’s Brain Receptacle.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance



Gossip Girl Spinoff | Green Lantern Movie









Comments

I thought Dev Patel was British?

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 10:48 AM

... and if you play Cooking Mama backwards, you can summon Cuthulu.

Srsly.

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 10:49 AM

I have the doll that says it, and spookily enough it does sound like "Islam is the light"....if you know what it's going to say before you hear it.

If you have no idea what the gurgles sound like, you'll never hear it. We tested it on friends, and they didn't know what it said before we told them, and of course afterwards everyone can find it.

Hell, we had that doll for months before that story came out and never heard it. It's just stupid fucking pareidolia, and anyone that falls for it is just plain retarded.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 11:05 AM

shit, that might actually get me to like zombies.

That cut me, that cut me deep.

Of course you know that you made baby TK cry right? Baby hater!

I really liked that Watchmen trailer.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 11:10 AM

Dev Patel is English, born to Gujarati Indian parents, so genetically he fits the description of Indian, although technically Gujarat makes him a West Indian since it's one of the western-most states, unless Vermillion meant East Indian as in not an American Indian which of course is not a term native Americans like. Of course his parents were both born in Africa, which means......You see what a can of worms you've opened now Cindy??

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 11:10 AM

Remember how you felt when we all first heard about the supposed casting of M Night Shyamalan's Avatar: The Last Airbender movie? That feeling of bile and anger in your blood as you read that Jesse McCartney was being considered for Zuko?

I guess I was drunk that week.

If he plays his cards right, he might just satisfy a few fanboys anyway.

Or he could just skip to the awkward handjob. That's how their first girlfriends (age 22) usually do it.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 11:11 AM

In fantasy movies there is literally limitless possibilities for characters and plots since there is no reality based boundries. So why do we always get a dwarf, an elven archer, and a human sword weilding hero?

Posted by: Handel at February 6, 2009 11:14 AM

I don't know Handel. But answer me this: in music there are infinite possibilities for fitting notes together to make new sounds so why do you only ever give us oratorios?

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 11:16 AM

Um Paddy, you're making my head hurt. Close that can back up.

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 11:16 AM

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 11:10 AM

The guy can act, has Eastern lineage, and most importantly ISN'T GODDAMN JESSE MCCARTNEY.

WIN IN MY BOOK.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 6, 2009 11:18 AM

Ms. PaddyDog, is there any way that I could persuade you to allow me to curl up at your feet and bask in your aura of delicious magnificence?

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 11:20 AM

Sir, the name is "Palance".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVl_Z0cGKGs

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 11:21 AM

Verm, honey, the esteemed Oscar-winning actor's name is Palance. Jack Palance.

Tom Hardy is edibly cute.

Posted by: Jerce at February 6, 2009 11:23 AM

ah yes, I love that Jack "Liberty" Valance

Posted by: roark at February 6, 2009 11:23 AM

Shucks Admin. That would be lovely. You'll have to fight the dogs for positioning, but I'll pet you and scratch your belly as I work.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 11:27 AM

Thats not true; I'm also famous for my operas and concerti grossi.

Posted by: Handel at February 6, 2009 11:27 AM

Thats not true; I'm also famous for my operas and concerti grossi.

Posted by: Handel at February 6, 2009 11:27 AM

I'll give you a few concerti, but let's face it, they're not exactly beating down your door for the production rights to Agrippina these days.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 11:37 AM

Dear Diary, do I love Handel or PaddyDog more?

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 11:45 AM

Holy Motherfucking shit! A Hawk The Salyer sequel? Oh my... For certain weird twists of fate "Hawk The Slayer" was one of /the/ movies of my childhood. I caught most of it once at my cousin's house and thought it was awesome. Then my mom decided to randomly record it one night on our VCR because she thought I'd might like it. (This is the same mom who bought her 6 year old a copy of the Dungeon Master's Guide despite the scorn of everyone in bookstore.)

I have watched that movie likely around 50 times. It just a few months ago that I found out that Hawk was Jack's dad.

The movie is sweet. Crow, the grizzled elf, who can shoot 3 arrows a second. The dude with one hand and the repeating crossbow. Hawk's telekentic sword ("Voltan! You will die... by my sword). The wise-cracking "dwarf" with the whip. Gort, the big friendly "giant", with the big-ass hammer. And then there was Palance as Voltan ("Little man with pointed ears... I will trim them for you later!" His evil dudes really cracked up after that one. It's a classic.). The crazy-ass electronica music that was the movie's score. Man, I love that movie. It's horrible, but I love it.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at February 6, 2009 11:54 AM

Zombies and lightsabers

Speaking of zombies and lightsabers, after many years of careful thought and analysis, I have determined that a lightsaber would, indeed, be the ideal weapon to have during a zombie apocalypse. It can cut through anything, it never gets stuck on anything (e.g., skull fragements), there is no ammunition to run out of, it wont go dull, it's super light, and easy to carry around and wield. Sure, you'd have to get closer than you'd might like, but all you have to do is sort of effortless twirl it around you and all zombie limbs will be easily hacked off.

Like Jeff Speakman it is, indeed, "The Perfect Weapon."

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at February 6, 2009 12:09 PM

That's a good mother to have.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 12:17 PM

Christ, nobody could chew scenery like Jack Valance Palance. That dude was an overacting GOD.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 12:27 PM

And Jack does indeed lord over not one but two Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. "Outlaw (of Gor)" and "Angels Revenge", where he sorta plays Darth Vader to Peter Lawford's Emperor Palpatine, except, you know, as sleazy 70s California drug kingpins.

He is naturally exceptional in both.


"................pick up the gun"

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 12:47 PM

Angels Revenge

Is that part of the series about Angel, the teen dropout prostitute who fights crime? God I used to love those on HBO. Come home from a night of drinking, nuke a frozen pizza, and settle in for cheesy sexploitation hijinks. There's camp, there's high camp, and then there's the divinity of a bad 30-year-old actress playing a high school hooker.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 12:53 PM

HA! No no, that'd be "Avenging Angel".

The cop who got her off the street has been murdered! It's up to Angel now!

"Angels Revenge" (no apostrophe anywhere) is a Charlie's Angels ripoff with a bit of pre-A-Team ramshackle plan coming together.

Jim Backus, Arthur Godfrey and Alan Hale Jr. are also in it.

It's rubbish.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:08 PM

Jim Backus, Arthur Godfrey and Alan Hale Jr.

What, was Bob Denver busy that day?

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 1:23 PM

Oh thank you Jeebus for Dev Patel. It was bad enough hearing McCartney's whiny ass voice during the first FOUR GODDAMN HOURS of Kingdom Hearts II. If I had to hear him in Avatar, I probably would have taken a hit out on the motherfucker.

Also, it would be pretty freakin' remiss of me not to mention Penny Arcade's take on the whole "Islam is the Light" faux-controversy.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 6, 2009 1:43 PM

This is kind of out of context, but since Jeremy mentioned Penny Arcade I'm going to bitch.

I have every Penny Arcade collection that they've released through Dark Horse, and have eagerly awaited book 6, whenever that is going to arrive. Now I find out, by searching on Amazon for a possible release date, that they've switched publishers to Del Ray, and are releasing new collections, starting with this one.

That chaps my ass! What did I spend all that money on in the first place, then?

And not buying them again is not an option, so I'm just a fool with some money, I suppose.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 2:10 PM

I distinctly remember Jesse McCartney as one of the celebs who nearly cried after being Punk'd, so I haven't been able to take him seriously since then. Dev Patel will do the role justice.

Posted by: Brie at February 6, 2009 3:11 PM

No link to the Dragonball vid? Shame on you.

Posted by: MikeTheG at February 6, 2009 3:19 PM

Now I find out, by searching on Amazon for a possible release date, that they've switched publishers to Del Ray, and are releasing new collections, starting with this one.

WHAT?!?!?!! I have been waiting for my bookstore to get book 5 for the longest, and now they are reissuing the strips?

RASAA)d^&%*^$ENR)@#DN)D)@##)MN#DNDJ)I#)JD)#*&U#I!!!!!!!

...ahem...they are lucky they are that damn funny.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 6, 2009 3:31 PM

V, even after consuming a copious amount of weed I still don't find you amusing.

Posted by: Pookie at February 6, 2009 4:22 PM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:04 PM

Hmmm...two toys that say "Islam is the light". Did no one think that this lady is, I don't know, SCHITZO-FUCKING-PHRENIC. Jesus! I don't understand people. You can take medication for it, its nothing to be ashamed of.

Not one person couldn't take this woman aside before she made a gigantic ass out of herself?

Posted by: Park at February 10, 2009 4:29 PM