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Haven't You Always Wanted a Mel Gibson Trade News Roundup?

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (24)

melgibson_madman_large-725567.jpg

Shhh … don’t answer, I know you always have.

So the esteemed Mr. Gibson has three main projects in the works, one of which is already completed, and two of which involve the casts speaking in dead languages. The first of these is Get the Gringo, an action adventure with a title geared to say “see I’m not racist just because of those things I said, because I make slurs about my own race too!”

The film has been finished for a couple of years and had to be financed by Gibson himself to be made in the first place. Now a deal has finally gone through with Fox in order to have the film broadcast first on DirecTV and then go straight to a VOD, DVD, and BluRay release. The deal is rumored to have been worth at least seven dollars, and may have involved the exchange of baseball cards. Here’s the trailer:






In other GibsoNews, we’ve got a film based on Maccabees, which totally should be the first book of the Bible featured in the CannonBall Read. It’s got the three v’s that you need for every good story: violence, violence, and violence. Of course, it’s Gibson so the movie is going to be filmed with only ancient dialogue.

Finally, we have the newest project, tentatively being called by trade news sites “The Mel Gibson Viking Movie.” Said Mr. Gibson:

“I want a Viking to scare you. I don’t want a Viking to say, “I’m going to die with a sword in my hand.” I don’t want to hear that. It pulls the rug out from under you. I want to see somebody who I have never seen before speaking low guttural German who scares the living shit out of me coming up to my house. What is that like? What would that have been like?”

Well, we could always ask his ex-wife.









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Comments

Maccabees, which totally should be the first book of the Bible featured in the CannonBall Read

You write the review, and I'll post it.

Posted by: mswas at February 1, 2012 10:08 AM

I would have thought that given his tendencies, Mel would find the sound of low gutteral German comforting and familiar.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 1, 2012 10:15 AM

The viking movie sounds cool.

Ars gratia artis.

Posted by: superasente at February 1, 2012 10:16 AM

Well, we could always ask his ex-wife.

Zing! SLW will be here all week, folks. Be sure to tip your waitress.

I thought the Vikings were largely from Scandinavia and spoke Norse? But I'm no historical buff like Mel Gibson is.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at February 1, 2012 10:18 AM

Maccabees! Oh shit! Those motherfuckers ran around performing circumcisions on the spot, even if you didn’t want one.

Posted by: Pookie at February 1, 2012 10:20 AM

Oh good. I haven't had my fill of historic revisionism yet.

Posted by: Bert at February 1, 2012 10:34 AM

But I'm no historical buff like Mel Gibson is.

Well, the heathens did get a very bad rap. Mr. Gibson has no history of accusatory bias in his work though.

What someone really ought to do is film Njals saga. To quote Professor Frank regarding Genesis 19: TOTAL Insanity.

Posted by: Jay at February 1, 2012 10:39 AM

'Said Mr Gibson...'

To who? Who the fuck was listening?

Flashback:
On the way home after a night of heavy drinking last Friday, and whilst waiting for a bus at 2 in the morning, I heard a very similar speech from a nearby ragged mentalist. (The speech was also racist). He was speaking and gesticulating very aggressively and scaring the huddled folk at the bus stop, so I asked him to shut up or fuck off. His only response was to double the volume of his tirade so I lobbed a coin at his face with all of my strength. It hit him straight on the forehead and he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving just a pile of clothes and a vague smell of hate.

Now, that story may be made up, but that's how you deal with that kind of situation. Take note, next person who has to listen to a paragraph of shite from Gibfuck.

Also, hats off, Mrs J.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 1, 2012 10:40 AM

I would have thought that given his tendencies, Mel would find the sound of low gutteral German comforting and familiar.

Nah. We all know that Germans can only shout. I saw it in movies, so it must be true.

Posted by: FabMax at February 1, 2012 10:58 AM

"Maccabees! Oh shit! Those motherfuckers ran around performing circumcisions on the spot, even if you didn’t want one. "


Posted by: Pookie at February 1, 2012 10:20 AM


Interesting you should say that, Pookie. Maccabee was not actually their name. Maccabee means "The Hammer" and was a nickname given to Judah, son of Mattathias, the leader of the revolution. As you know, the hammer is his penis, so circumcision couldn't be far behind. Yes, Judah was the Captain Hammer of 165 B.C.E.

In other news, if Mel Gibson makes this movie, I won't watch it. If Joss Whedon makes it, I might. And make it a musical, while you're at it. "Captain Maccabee's Musical Menorah."

Posted by: BWeaves at February 1, 2012 11:05 AM

I dated a guy with a "musical menorah" once.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 1, 2012 11:13 AM

Doesn't the Maccabee story have something to do with hoarding oil?
Maybe Breitbart will have to expose a conservative for his anti oil company message in a movie for a change.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 1, 2012 11:24 AM

Looks like Mel stumbled across Leni Riefenstahl's long lost "Bible for Cinematic Redemption". Pity he doesn't realize it won't be any more affective than if he had Birth of a Nation remade with a Nation of Islam cast.

Posted by: bleujayone at February 1, 2012 11:36 AM

Interesting you should say that, Pookie. Maccabee was not actually their name. Maccabee means "The Hammer" and was a nickname given to Judah, son of Mattathias, the leader of the revolution. As you know, the hammer is his penis, so circumcision couldn't be far behind. Yes, Judah was the Captain Hammer of 165 B.C.E.

In other news, if Mel Gibson makes this movie, I won't watch it. If Joss Whedon makes it, I might. And make it a musical, while you're at it. "Captain Maccabee's Musical Menorah."

Posted by: BWeaves at February 1, 2012 11:05 AM

______

Very interesting BWeaves, even back in the day men had names for their cocks. I thought those motherfuckers from the past were supposed to be all sophisticated and shit? they probably did gangbangs and golden showers. For all we know Judah could have had a nine inch cock, and was a part of the cuckold scene.

Posted by: Pookie at February 1, 2012 11:45 AM

Anybody else hear the kid scream "He killed my father..." in the trailer and your mind automatically filled in "...prepare to die." in Mandy Patinkin's voice? Just me? Ok then.

Posted by: NateS1973 at February 1, 2012 12:05 PM

My college roommate had a musical menorah next to her bed. True fact.

Posted by: DominaNefret at February 1, 2012 12:56 PM

Did it run on 4 "AA" batteries and mysteriously find itself under her covers singing "Hava Nagila" at 3 AM?

Posted by: bleujayone at February 1, 2012 1:36 PM

Did it have a 3-way switch? Off and High?

Posted by: BWeaves at February 1, 2012 2:55 PM

We all know that Germans can only shout. I saw it in movies, so it must be true.

Also, they have vaguely British accents.

Posted by: MM at February 1, 2012 4:31 PM

I wonder if, at any point before the release of the movie, someone will bother to tell him that the Vikings didn't speak German.

Posted by: sprophet at February 1, 2012 5:48 PM

That last line of the article almost made me spit out the red wine I'm drinking. It was a big build-up, but the payoff was totally worth it.

Posted by: Meghan at February 1, 2012 7:44 PM

My ancestors were Vikings.
They conquered the wilds of Russia.
They enslaved the English.
They sacked Rome. Twice.
And I'm now going to find the nearest oak tree and make a sacrifice to my Gods ensuring Gibson's imminent and grisly demise. Just as soon as I finish this mead and find my hornéd helmet, all the while NOT muttering in low guttering German.

Posted by: cinekat at February 2, 2012 9:21 AM

//makes note//

Do not mess with cinekat.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 2, 2012 2:10 PM

//makes note//

Go for mead with cinekat. Good fun guaranteed.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 2, 2012 10:25 PM