You know what’s terrifying? Let me tell you: Connecticut. It’s holy-shitballs scary. Actually, you guys remember Fun Bobby from “Friends”? If New England is Fun Bobby, then Connecticut is Fun Bobby after he quit drinking. My God, it’s white and so … average. And sober. So fucking sober. I almost got a job in Connecticut once. And then I realized that I’d be confronted with so many fake-looking genuine smiles (Joe Biden may be from Scranton, but that’s a Connecticut grin, goddamnit) that I’d probably end up going on a throat-punch massacre. Now, that’s a horror movie idea.
But this is not: Haunting in Connecticut is another of those “inspired by true stories” haunted house movies, which means it has absolutely no basis in reality, of course. The movie stars Virginia Madsen, who was in a movie called Long Gone when I was a kid, and she showed her boobie, and I found God. He was actually hiding beneath her boobie. But that’s ancient history now. Now she’s in a movie set in Connecticut that pilfers liberally from the book of horror-movie tropes: Creepy images in the television reflection; loud noises; séances; moldy fruit; crosses; floating bodies; bats; axes, etc. , etc., ugh. It’s the horror movie equivalent of putting your hand in bowl cold spaghetti. And seriously, Connecticut? Isn’t their state slogan: “A Vacation from Life for those Who Enjoy Their Lives!”
Virginia Madsen is an OG hottie from the 80s and she's STILL 100% USDA Grade A pussy.
She was also in Fight Fire With Fire with Craig Sheffer, before he crashed and burned straight onto DVD.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 17, 2008 2:21 PM
Elias Koteas and Virginia Madsen together again, still not enough for me to watch it. I think I'd rather watch The Prophecy II, at least you got the Walken.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 17, 2008 2:21 PM
Ah yes, finding god in your first glimpse of a breast. Mine was when my grandma let me watch Lethal Weapon when I was sick. Remember the movie opens on a massively high prostitute laying in bed wearing only panties? I had to rewind the tape about six times because I really wasn't entirely sure I was really seeing what I was totally hoping I thought I was seeing. No point of reference . . . I mean a woman didn't have a shirt on, so ergo those must be breasts, but can one really be entirely sure with no prior experience?
Wow I'm dating myself. Everyone under a certain age undoubtedly saw their first breasts on the internet, and I managed to see my first ones on fricking VHS. Oh the indignities. VHS didn't stop in a perfect picture when you hit the pause button, it blurred out and did weird scrambly crap. So you had to sit there hitting play/pause/play/pause over and over again trying to hit it right on that sweet spot where the image froze into a slightly blurry but recognizable still frame.
And if you were able to actually get a hold of a porno on VHS, you had to suffer the horror of seeing where the last person had stopped the tape. "Dude, why did you leave the tape on a close up of some hairy balls." Returning a VHS tape to a friend became an exercise in the art of stopping it at the most appropriate moment. Sure you could just rewind it, but that was taking the coward's way out.
This thread was supposed to be a nostalgia trip about deprecated modes of twelve year olds looking at boobies right?
Posted by: stipe42 at October 17, 2008 2:30 PM
This looks all the world like an episode of one of those true story "Hauntings" shows I saw on A&E recently. Family moves into an inexpensive old farmhouse, has two teenage kids, weird shit happens, the teenage son gets hurt, a priest and a medium get involved, blah, blah.
And didn't these people ever see Amityville? Never set up camp in the basement. Bad juju there, my friends.
Posted by: Alabamapink at October 17, 2008 2:31 PM
At least Connecticut is allowing same-sex marriage now.
stipe42>> We are cut from the same cloth.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 17, 2008 2:34 PM
Connecticut: All of the things New England has to offer, only shittier.
Connecticut: Let's pave the fucker and make it easier to get to New York.
Connecticut: Where horrific rush hour traffic is a constant, soul-crushing inevitability.
My first boooooobie was Billy Bathgate. Nichole Kidman in all her Red Bush glory .
Posted by: Gilp at October 17, 2008 2:59 PM
Connecticut: We have a zoo!
Connecticut: 5th State to ratify the Constitution, bitches!
Connecticut: Cunt Tic Once (beat that anagram, Delaware!)
Posted by: Skitz at October 17, 2008 3:04 PM
I live in Connecticut and I never smile.
Posted by: Cindy at October 17, 2008 3:04 PM
I used to live in northern CT in Enfield...about a mile from the Mass border off I-91. That place was about as interesting as the fuzz twixt my toes. Their big events that people look forward to don't even happen in state. They have Six Flags and the Big-E up in Springfield, MA and that's it.
Their bragging points in CT...
Hartford is the Insurance capital of the world.
Hartford has the world's first 2-sided building.
Greenwich (I think) has the highest avg. household income.
Umm...the WWF is from there I think.
They share first place with Mississippi for haveing the longest 1-word state name.
Umm...Latino gang violence and heroin plague northeast Hartford like meth in the midwest.
And...uhh...you can go to The Chowder Pot and see Joey and maria's Comedy Wedding.
...CT. The perfect place for the mild at heart.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 3:05 PM
And my first boobie was a gorgeous one indeed from Creepshow 2. It was from the story "The Raft" where the dude lays the brunette down on the planks and starts lickin' her taters. They were quite nice and still rank in my top 20 sets I've ever seen. Now...if only I could actually say I've ever seen 20 sets of boobs in my entire life, I'd be able to smile. For now...i just weep a lot. Set numbers 13 and 14 were last night on Testees.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 3:11 PM
Plus, who insults Connecticut? There are like twelve people in the state and two of us post here. I dare you to go after Canada or California.
Posted by: Cindy at October 17, 2008 3:12 PM
Boobs were very prevalent in my household as I grew up. My parents allowed me to watch rated-R movies from an extremely young age (The Shining and Alien by the age of 6, for example), and Playboy magazine was something of a fixture in the house. It was a family game to find the bunny on the front cover. It was probably those that gave me my first exposure. First movie of which I have a vivid memory? Perhaps Conan The Barbarian. I remember sneaking out into the living room to watch that. I do find it sad, though, that someone as boob-obsessed as I am can't pinpoint the exact first memory. Have you heard a more heartwrenching tragedy?
Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 17, 2008 3:21 PM
I got lost in Connecticut once. I was driving back from Long Island and wasn't paying attention, it was dark and I took a wrong turn somewhere. I think I made it to Hartford before I realized that Connecticut, while it looks like a small state on a map, goes on forfuckingever. I took the first left I could and drove like a bat out of hell until I saw New York.
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 3:26 PM
Virginia Madsen was in the deeply awesome Candyman. I know not these other flicks you speak of, but she took a naked bath in that one. Glorious hooters.
Posted by: TylerDFC at October 17, 2008 3:30 PM
Connecticut: You Won't Know You're Not Still In New York.
Posted by: twig at October 17, 2008 3:34 PM
Connecticut: 100 exits off I-95. One-fucking-hundred. Welcome to Hell.
Posted by: TK at October 17, 2008 3:36 PM
Hey, I've got one!
Connecticut: A great place to curl up....and die.
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 3:41 PM
Connecticut: Hartford Looks Like Albany, Only Less Magnificent
Posted by: twig at October 17, 2008 3:42 PM
Connecticut: The Whalers fled. So should you.
Posted by: TK at October 17, 2008 3:44 PM
Twig - that nearly killed me.
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 3:45 PM
Connecticut: I Hate How You're Spelled
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 3:46 PM
Ah, Connecticut. The company stationed me there for six months once. Mrs. Newman had that Jack Torrance look for about 5 1/2 months. Don't tell me Connecticut isn't scary!!
Stipe42, sounds like you had it easy. Most of us in your age bracket (or maybe older) had to spend hours tuned into the scrambled Playboy channel squinting sideways to get our first booby fix. *sigh*
Posted by: Ed Newman at October 17, 2008 3:46 PM
You guys have no idea how happy I am that for once Florida is not being picked on.
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 3:47 PM
Man, I loved Long Gone. Because of that movie I will always think of William Peterson as "Stud Cantrell" and not the guy from CSI.
In fact, I even remember (most of) the song that Joe Brown wrote about the Stogies:
"I'm Big Joe Brown, I'm gonna sing you a song,
About a baseball team that can't do no wrong.
They got Stud Cantrell with his mighty, mighy bat,
And Jamie Don Weeks with some real good stats.
Let's go Stogies, let's go.
Let's go Stooooogies, let's go."
I watched a lot of HBO as a child. A lot.
Posted by: ajax19 at October 17, 2008 3:48 PM
Connecticut: Regis lives here!
Posted by: Kolby at October 17, 2008 3:49 PM
Connecticut's less boring if you live in New Haven and go to the public schools... Metal detectors and bomb threats, fun stuff.
Posted by: Dwayne Hicks at October 17, 2008 3:49 PM
Connecticut: Look On The Bright Side, It's Close to Better Stuff.
Posted by: twig at October 17, 2008 3:50 PM
HA HA HA HA HA!
Posted by: Julie at October 17, 2008 3:58 PM
Connecticut: Tech Park. Tech Park. Tree.
(None of this, of course, is at all related to the 9-ish hour drive I have to do after work to get to Maryland tonight. Through the State That Shall Not be Named.)
Posted by: twig at October 17, 2008 4:11 PM
ajax...sing it with me.
"She's lo-hong.
Go-hone.
And no-how I'm loooonesome blue."
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 4:19 PM
Most of us in your age bracket (or maybe older) had to spend hours tuned into the scrambled Playboy channel squinting sideways to get our first booby fix. *sigh*
Or Spice, of course. Don't forget Spice!
(And there was only the softest of cores going on underneath that Aurora Borealis)
I couldn't agree with BSlim more (has anyone ever said that before???). I've had a crush on Virginia Madsen for YEARS.
Has anyone else seen "Becoming Collette?" An embarrasingly bad movie, but Madsen gets naked (as usual) and has a love scene with another woman in which she (Madsen) sucks the others tit. WOW.
Posted by: Jimbob at October 17, 2008 4:29 PM
I don't know, it's got Elias Koteas in it, and he always scares the fuck outta me, even when he's not supposed to.
I saw the episode of "A Haunting" that was made out of this case. The house used to be a funeral home and they did mortuary work in the basement, not séances. I think putting make-up on dead people is way creepier than talking to them.
Posted by: louveciennes at October 17, 2008 4:31 PM
I'm surprised that no one but AlabamaPink mentioned the Amityville link.
Dustin even wrote this section up and there's no mention of Ryan Reynolds anywhere.
Honestly, watching the trailer, this looks exactly like Amityville Horror except the husband has been swapped out by a son. The little dick even goes rampaging with an axe, if the trailer is to be believed.
Posted by: Renee at October 17, 2008 4:35 PM
Goddammit! I have Long Gone on VHS. Taped it off of Prism when i was like 9 and obsessed with baseball. Now I have this unending need to see that movie...NOW. Ms. Strawberry Blossom, "No comprendo...what?!", KKK batting practice, danging a jigg on homeplate, and Stud walking the first base line after that bean in the head and throwing his hat up in the air. Long Gone ranks up their with The Jericho Mile in the "Most Amazing Sports Movies No One Has Ever Seen" population.
...and of course neither one of them is on fucking DVD. Except if i want Jericho Mile from Europe.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 17, 2008 4:38 PM
"Becoming Collette?" An embarrasingly bad movie, but Madsen gets naked (as usual) and has a love scene with another woman in which she (Madsen) sucks the others tit. WOW.
Posted by: Jimbob at October 17, 2008 4:29 PM
--------------------------------------------
*jaw drops*
*co-workers look mystified at Slim shaped hole on walls*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 17, 2008 4:43 PM
"Becoming Collette?" An embarrasingly bad movie, but Madsen gets naked (as usual) and has a love scene with another woman in which she (Madsen) sucks the others tit. WOW.
Posted by: Jimbob at October 17, 2008 4:29 PM
--------------------------------------------
NETFLIX, I SUMMON THEE!!!
Posted by: TK at October 17, 2008 4:56 PM
Y'all would rather talk about Connecticut than boobs, so I will say that I saw some boobs once in Connecticut when I had sex in the middle of a wedding reception there. Also, that casino cleaned me out.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 17, 2008 5:31 PM
Virginia Madsen was too sexy in Candyman. I'm as straight as is possible for a Libra (which i've been hearin is not very?) but she's my type.
Posted by: ms shai at October 17, 2008 5:45 PM
Connecticut: New Englands asshole.
Too much ?
Posted by: gilp at October 17, 2008 6:01 PM
Connecticut: Not America's Taint, but You Can See it From Here.
Posted by: stipe42 at October 17, 2008 6:06 PM
I thought all of Connecticut was just like Stars Hollow. Sigh
Posted by: Leota1313 at October 17, 2008 6:25 PM
You is some mean motherfuckers. People in CT have feelings too.
*sniff*
Posted by: Cindy at October 17, 2008 7:09 PM
I'll probably end up seeing this with my ex and having scared-shitless sex with him because I won't be able to sleep alone.
That wasn't in any way a negative thought.
Posted by: NotBlonde at October 17, 2008 7:27 PM
I, um, live in CT. And while I'm not particularly state defensive I will say that I actually, um like it. I grew up on a gorgeous property an hour and 45 mins outside of Manhattan, in a beautiful town peopled by NYC expats - artists, actors, musicians, and their kids. I now live in Greenwich, and love my super close proximity to drinkies on the water, fantastic shopping and some kick ass restaurants. Just saying.
Posted by: KHA at October 17, 2008 9:34 PM
Every woman in Connecticut has cankles. True fucking story.
I hate Connecticut.
Posted by: kate the great at October 17, 2008 10:51 PM
And, yes I realize my comment would indicate that I have zero sense of humor. This is not the case, but I doubt any of you would believe me...
Posted by: KHA at October 17, 2008 11:45 PM
All I know of Connecticut is that it was a cheap-ass, baby-blue avenue card in Monopoly that nobody ever wanted because baby blue made you a pussy.
Also, growing up only speaking Spanish, trying to pronounce that stupid word correctly led us to calling it "Conet Avenue" while wondering what the fuck a Connecticut was. To be fair, we didn't understand anything that was on the Monopoly board and usually ended up playing shop with the money.
So yes, I have a slightly skewed view of the world thanks to Monopoly. Nothing against you, Connecticut.
Posted by: figgy at October 18, 2008 3:04 AM
Also, fuck you, lying comment info. It's only 1:06 here. Stop making me look like a loser posting here at 3 in the morning on a Saturday.
I'm only posting this from home on a Friday night while watching Sex and the City reruns, and that only makes me....oh, wait.
Dammit. I'm a loser.
Posted by: figgy at October 18, 2008 3:08 AM
stipe42 has inspired me - I'm now going to share with you some pornography-related nostalgic musings that date back to when I used to work in my local video shop.
It's to imagine now, but back in 2001, it wasn't quite as easy as it is now to get hold of pornography.
We've become spoiled in this modern age of crystal clear DVD freeze-frame abilities, of 10-minute free porn previews on the less salubrious cable TV channels, of lightning-speed broadband connections and all the other many and various ways that the greatest minds in the fields of science and technology have combined to bestow upon us the ability to find ourselves swamped in filth at the click of a button and at a moment's notice. We live in a veritable pornutopia.
Back in 2001, however, it wasn't quite that easy. 56k dial-up modem connections were the norm, meaning that even the most dedicated internet nipple-hunter may have found themselves becoming somewhat fidgety at the prospect of spending five minutes waiting for a pixellated mess of a JPEG to gradually resolve itself into a still image of a single wobbling breast. DVDs were yet to really take off, so only the people with access to a more modern VCR had the luxury of pausing videos at the exact moment where Milla Jovovich's nipple peeks tantalisingly into view during The Fifth Element without having their enjoyment of that wondrous tableaux spoiled by a jerking, jumping frame and tracking lines streaking static across the screen.
More mortifying still, porn wasn't the largely private and solitary experience that it is now - occasionally, you had to go and get your porn from actual living and breathing people, in front of whose mildly pitying and slightly disgusted gaze you stood, clutching your copy of Reader's Wives magazine or your Dirty Lessons videotape, shifting your weight from foot to foot as your face grew hotter and redder.
So, with that said, it will probably come as little surprise to know that I didn't actually rent out too many porn videos to people while working at J2K Videos. There were a few occasions, however, some of which were more memorable than others... Here's one:
So, I'm doing my usual thing while working - a combination of playing guitar, watching a movie and taking sneaky nips from the bottle of whiskey I'm taking to a house party straight after work - when a couple come in. Immediately, I can see that the woman wears the trousers in this particular relationship - the man seems oddly subdued, rarely speaking above a murmur, eyes downcast, trudging dutifully along behind his partner. The reasons for this oddly sheepish behaviour become rapidly apparent as I watch the pair browse - the woman picking up videos like 'The Guide To Better Sex', 'The Joy of Sex', and various other 'marital instruction videos', showing the case of each one to the man, whose masculinity seemed to wither and die just a little bit more with every passing moment, her pointing out interesting bullet-points from the blurbs on the back of the cases ('See, Geoff, this one gives you tips on how to last longer. That'd help, wouldn't it?' 'Yes, dear.')
It's a strange experience to be in that position - should I offer to point out the more popular sex instruction tapes? Should I go and busy myself with rearranging the tapes in the store room until they've made their choices and I hear a polite, attention-drawing cough at the counter? Would it be too obvious if I bit down on my knuckles to stop the gales of laughter that are, right now, threatening to rack my body? In the end, I settled for going into the back room and continuing to play guitar (somehow resisting the urge to improvise some funky, 70s wah-pedal-esque porn soundtrack lead guitar), until the cough came as expected. The man, perhaps unsurprisingly, didn't even attempt to meet my gaze, simply investigating the pattern of the carpet for the length of the transaction. The woman, on the other hand, was far bolder - making relentless, direct eye contact, seemingly willing me to say something, anything, so she could take me apart on the spot. I fetched their videos, and they left, presumably to get an early start on learning the secrets of food foreplay and Tantric massage. I even managed to hold my laughter until they were around the corner from the shop. I feel it's important to note here that I'm not a complete bastard - I was laughing at the bizarre atmosphere of the whole situation more than at the couple themselves.
Occasionally, I wonder whether that couple are still together now - if so, then perhaps I should feel a small twinge of pride at providing them with the materials they required to put the spice back into their relationship. If not, I wouldn't be too surprised if the man is, at this very moment, utilising all the benefits of modern technology to BitTorrent a ton onto his hard drive - AVI files have no needs or expectations, after all.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at October 18, 2008 6:30 AM
I live in Connecticut. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
PUSSIES!!!!!!!
Seriously, though, I do and it sucks. "New England's Asshole" is correct.
Anyway, the first time I remember really seeing breasts was Jennifer Jason's Leigh's stripdown in the pool house in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah... I've had a crush on her ever since. (*Note: my parents caught me watching and snatched me away before I could get to the infamous Phoebe Cates pool scene...ouch!)
Posted by: Case at October 18, 2008 2:17 PM
Dill, that's...fantastic. Heehee.
I wonder if they were Angelina and Brad in disguise...
Posted by: figgy at October 18, 2008 8:14 PM
figgy: In 2001? And in Darlaston? Armpit of the West Midlands? A region noteworthy only for it's contribution to the Dickensian atmosphere of smog and pollutants in the local atmosphere? Trust me, if Brangelina had turned up in that coal-blackened cesspit of a town, they probably would have adopted me.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at October 18, 2008 10:31 PM
Sorry about the grocer's apostrophe in the post above - I've just done my first night of bar work in six years in order to pay for food, since my student loan is being annoyingly tardy in its arrival.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at October 18, 2008 10:33 PM
DillHahahaha oh man....I think you win the prize for having had the worst job in the worst place in the world. I love it!
The prize is a carton of 50 packets of ramen noodles (pork flavored!), because trust me, I've felt the pain of student loans...which is the reason I can't afford more than a carton of ramen to reward you with.
Enjoy!
Posted by: figgy at October 19, 2008 2:32 AM
Oh, that wasn't even the worst job I've ever had - that particular accolade would have to go to the two years I spent as a data-entry clerk for Europe's second-largest manufacturer and distributor of adult incontinence pants. Nothing says 'job satisfaction' like spending all day entering grown-up-nappy prescriptions on a hellishly unstable HTML-based database, while all around you some of our more senile clients are causing the phones to ring off the hook because they haven't quite grasped the fact that we can't guarantee the exact time of delivery, despite having been told exactly that every eight weeks for the last two years they've been having their pads from us... I'm shuddering with rage at the mere memory.
Posted by: Dill The Devil at October 19, 2008 10:40 AM
Only thing that could've made it worse would be if it were a data entry temp job, which adds the living in fear of having no horrible job tomorrow.
The Big E is actually in West Springfield and Six Flags (Riverside to us oldfolks, fuckhead) is in Agawam. The Big E is the BIGGEST FAIR ON THE EAST COAST. That makes western Mass COOL (Or hopelessly sad, close call). Springfield has the Basketball Hall of Fame, bitches. We invented that shit. Dr. Suess was from here. The only good thing about fucking Enfield CT was that the drinking age was 18 in the early 80s and it was 15 minutes to beer as a high school senior. Fuck those Boston assholes, we know what a goddamned r is and we fucking use it in actual words. Worrrrrrrrrds.
Posted by: slower lower at October 19, 2008 6:47 PM
Isn't Virginia Madsen the hotness in "The Hot Spot," better know for Jennifer Connolly's boobies?
Speaking of which, some of us here are old enough to remember eagerly looking forward every month to the mailman delivering the occasional Zulu boobies in the National Geographic.
OK, so maybe only one of us here.
Posted by: bucdaddy at October 19, 2008 7:41 PM
Might not be the very first, but Monique Gabrielle in Bachelor Party.
Just - wow, still. I'll be in my bunk.
Monique Gabrielle / Coked out Donkey '08
Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 20, 2008 7:14 AM
Um, you know, I'm of an age so ancient we were as or even more likely to first appreciate a boob in the flesh, so to speak.
Somewhere around the emergence of video tape and CineSex there was "Summer Lovers." Did't help that Valerie Quennessen looked very much like an ex girlfriend. Except for the threesomes and riding scooters naked parts.
I had repressed that memory, so thank you very much for nothing. God, she could kiss too. And smart, and funny, and . . .
Arrrrrrgh.
Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 20, 2008 8:03 AM
My and my husband's family live in CT (up by New Haven) and we got married in New Haven. I really like it up there, sorry Pajibateers (I'm from MA, though, and know MA is far superior). Even worse - we presently live in NYC and our goal is to move to Fairfield County. I know that ruins my cred but whatever. I have a child now and my cred is officially gone.
Posted by: samantha t at October 20, 2008 10:31 AM
Connecticut: unless you are in Fairfield County, you don't really count.
Posted by: courtney at October 20, 2008 2:29 PM
I first fell in love with VM with Electric Dreams.
Our love was pure cause she didn't show her boobies.
Virginia Madsen is an OG hottie from the 80s and she's STILL 100% USDA Grade A pussy.
She was also in Fight Fire With Fire with Craig Sheffer, before he crashed and burned straight onto DVD.