If You Find Tedium Terrifying / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | October 17, 2008 | Comments ()
You know what’s terrifying? Let me tell you: Connecticut. It’s holy-shitballs scary. Actually, you guys remember Fun Bobby from “Friends”? If New England is Fun Bobby, then Connecticut is Fun Bobby after he quit drinking. My God, it’s white and so … average. And sober. So fucking sober. I almost got a job in Connecticut once. And then I realized that I’d be confronted with so many fake-looking genuine smiles (Joe Biden may be from Scranton, but that’s a Connecticut grin, goddamnit) that I’d probably end up going on a throat-punch massacre. Now, that’s a horror movie idea.
But this is not: Haunting in Connecticut is another of those “inspired by true stories” haunted house movies, which means it has absolutely no basis in reality, of course. The movie stars Virginia Madsen, who was in a movie called Long Gone when I was a kid, and she showed her boobie, and I found God. He was actually hiding beneath her boobie. But that’s ancient history now. Now she’s in a movie set in Connecticut that pilfers liberally from the book of horror-movie tropes: Creepy images in the television reflection; loud noises; séances; moldy fruit; crosses; floating bodies; bats; axes, etc. , etc., ugh. It’s the horror movie equivalent of putting your hand in bowl cold spaghetti. And seriously, Connecticut? Isn’t their state slogan: “A Vacation from Life for those Who Enjoy Their Lives!”