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Burn Them All: Hansel and Gretel Trailer

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | October 30, 2012 | Comments ()


Hansel-and-Gretel.jpeg

Have you ever had actual gingerbread? It's an abomination against all things edible. I'd say it comes as no surprise that witches live in houses constructed of such a terrible excuse for confectionary. And no, it doesn't even have the redeeming property of making good walls for an edible house. The walls sag, get soggy. No, there are only two proper structural elements for such a house: fudge cut into blocks and used as bricks, or chocolate chip cookies baked into thick sheets. Oh, there's a movie trailer too.

No that is a fantastically fun trailer. It doesn't just have the swagger and action, so much as manages to hint at actual plot without giving away the entire shebang. Plus there are little touches scattered throughout. The medieval milk bottles with children's faces? Brilliant.

It feels like a latter day Army of Darkness, and might just wash the taste of Solomon Kane and Van Helsing out of our gingerbread scorched throats.

(source: Blastr)







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Wurm

    I've never understood the Van Helsing hate, it was a fun pop-corn movie.

    And a FYI, good gingerbread (like we have here in Germany) is really awesome stuff.

  • Rooks

    The only problem with German gingerbread is that you're sick of it by the end of October, because Aldi has had it in stores since shortly after easter. "Weihnachtssortiment" my arse.

  • Quatermain

    I can't tell if SLW is being sarcastic or not with that last bit, but that trailer definitely looks like a movie I'd enjoy.

  • This looks like a red-hot mess, but at least it isn't taking itself too seriously. If they can avoid the rainbows coming out of a unicorn's ass type scene (a la Snow Meh and the Hot Man), then it might be worth watching.

  • Dragonchild

    I see a movie that can't make up its mind. You have the "witty" (with well-deserved finger-quotes there) protagonists surrounded by in-jokes and some slapstick when it's clear all along we're supposed to think of them as cream-our-pants badass. It's one of those meta traps where they're trying to serve up a super-sized helping of swagger-saturated action & leather-motif fanservice but JUST IN CASE it doesn't work they're going to hedge their bets by catering to adolescent cynicism as well. "See, we made a couple of BADASS characters -- oh, but in case you're not falling for it, um, we're not either! We're not taking our blatantly BADASS portrayals seriously, see? see?" The weird thing is that SLW usually abhors this sort of shlock, so I wonder what he sees in this one.

  • Rooks

    Every trailer ever is more fun with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club playing in the background. Just try it.
    That said: I'm going to see this. Oh yeah.

  • googergieger

    I saw a Korean movie called Hansel and Gretel. I remember thinking "meh". This doesn't look anything like it really, but the same thought is popping up.

  • Snath

    I think I'm the only person who enjoyed Van Helsing.

    It had tiny minions! THEY WERE ON FIRE!

  • Rooks

    Hey, Snath. You're not the only person who enjoyed Van Helsing, not even in the pajibaverse.
    I mean, that movie had one hilarious David Wenham and that glorious, long-since oft-used "If you're going to kill somebody, kill them! Don't stand around talking about it!"-line. One would have to be plain mean to not let those two things count.

  • Guest

    Trailer good and gingerbread bad? I disagree with SLW on TWO counts--a sign of the end times, shirley!

  • Pookie

    Ravishing !!!

  • Kati

    Uh, Pooks, you doin' OK?

  • Ozioma

    Looks like the good kind of 'turn-your-brain-off' entertainment. Plus, Jeremy Renner in tight pants and a leather coat.

  • BWeaves

    He's like the Popeil Pocket Assassin (as in Ass-Ass-In).

  • Fabius_Maximus

    There should be an umlaut in Hänsel, and it should be pronounced "Hensel". "Hansel" just sounds weird.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    He's so hot right now.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Is that what one commonly calls a "non sequitur"?

  • Quatermain

    It's what one commonly calls "a quote from 'Zoolander'."

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Huh. Had to look that up. But Ferrel got it right, if you adjust for accent.

  • BWeaves

    You've obviously never had really goooood gingerbread. Sharp and spicy and not too sweet. Ever have ginger preserves? They're peppery. Sweet with a bite.

    The first time I heard of this mish-mash genre was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Cute title. Never read the book. Then came all the others. Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, and now H&G Witch Hunters. Let's face it. Buffy the Vampire Slayer did it first and did it best and wrung out every last bit of it.

  • ,

    "Age restricted"?

    There must have been tits somewhere, but I missed them. Didn't even see witch tits.apparently

  • $27019454

    They're very fucking cold.Kinda like the balls on a brass monkey. Brrr.

  • clocker

    So, now we marginalize the spice as well as the hair color, eh?

    The terrorists have won.

  • TK

    The gingers are the terrorists. I thought everyone knew that.

    You should have known that too.

    Unless you're...

    [narrows eyes]

  • Might just wash the taste of Van Helsing out of our mouths? Is the film made out of hydrochloric acid?

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Aww now people, stop hating on Van Helsing! I've never had so much fun at the movies. It was like being in an episode of MST3K!

  • tamatha_uhmelmahaye

    Yeah, I'm with Scottieboy on this one. Gingerbread *is* delicious.

  • MinasAunt

    Sorry, this just looks like reheated Van Helsing to me

  • Scottieboy

    Gingerbread is the GREATEST. It's absolutely gorgeous. Spicy and sharp and sweet all at once.

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