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Candy Apples and Razor Blades, Little Dead Are Still in Graves

I Remember Halloween (Let’s Crap On That Memory… Again) / TK

Trade News | December 18, 2008 | Comments (20)

I keep thinking that the remake train has gotta go flying off the tracks sooner or later. Maybe it’s a fever dream, born out of too much scotch and Percocet. But a boy can dream, right?

Well, trust Rob Zombie to crush that dream. Again. Look, I’m not as obsessed over Halloween II as I am with the first one — the sequel wasn’t directed by John Carpenter (though it was written by him). But it’s still a decent entry into the slasher genre, and the last good one in the Halloween franchise. The first Halloween is an undeniable classic, and of course we all remember when Rob Zombie took a shit all over that one; Phillip said at the time that “(Zombie) thoroughly debunks the mythology of the original Carpenter film, replacing an enigmatic horror icon with a hulking thug whose motives seem explained and yet uninteresting, replacing thrills with lurid violence. Zombie’s Myers isn’t the Bogeyman; he’s just boring.”

Well, what better idea than to make a sequel. So here’s my question: Is this a sequel to a remake of a classic? Or maybe this is the remake of a sequel to a classic? Or… is this a remake of a sequel to a remake of a classic? OR…

… I just threw up.

In any event, fuck off Rob Zombie. Go back to making crappy techno-Misfits ripoff music, you jerk.







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Comments

Let's crap on that memory again.

I propose that there be a legal ruling which states that Dane Cook must ALWAYS say this before making a joke about a joke from the past. ALWAYS.

Posted by: Mike R. at December 18, 2008 10:53 AM

I've yet to watch the remake, but I believe about five billion messages popped up over at IMDB's Horror Boards declaring a remake of Halloween II an impossibility because of the massive changes in the remake of Halloween. Something about important characters not even being close to the right places and/or living status to even begin II in the same place? It's all fuzzy, as I never particularly cared for the original Halloween to begin with. Sure, Curtis is still arguably the greatest scream queen of all time, and the film is tense, but eh. Meh. Not my thing.

Now Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, that's another story. Love it.

Stay away from that you moneysucking freaks, or I'll just have to cry over my tea and bitch about it on Pajiba, my blog, my other blog, that other blog I post for occassionally, the Fangoria message boards, IMDB's message boards, and those user generated sites I leech money from every month. And you don't want to see me cry, right?

Posted by: Robert at December 18, 2008 11:06 AM

Tick tock, TK.

*clears throat*

Tiiiiiiiimmmme is on my side. Yes it is.

Posted by: branded at December 18, 2008 11:08 AM

I'm so goddam confused. Zombie loves/loved the original Halloween, right? So why, as a horror film addict, would he wanna fuck with it? I love Better Off Dead, but if you gave me a gigantic budget, my choice of casting, and a shred of talent, there's still NOW WAY I'd mess with something that's already perfect as is. He's got some chops when it comes to film, why not make up something new?

Stupid goddam remakes. Where's my flask?

Posted by: Skitz at December 18, 2008 11:09 AM

Silly TK, it's the remake of a classic sequal to a classic.

Rob Zombie,s Halloween II...The Halloweeniest. Starring Dane Cook.

Posted by: admin at December 18, 2008 11:12 AM

By the way' commas are the new apostrophes.

Posted by: admin at December 18, 2008 11:15 AM

admin, your last comment should be number one this week and they should give the previous comment the assist.

Posted by: becks at December 18, 2008 11:46 AM

Percocet! Please don't get me started. I broke my ankle once riding a motorcycle in my youth. The doctor tried to give me some old weak ass pain pills, a friend suggested Percocet. Shiiiiiiiiiiit, I'll tell where the slaves hiding for some Percocet.

Posted by: Pookie at December 18, 2008 11:48 AM

It's just crap. Plain, old crap.

Posted by: Cindy at December 18, 2008 11:58 AM

Nice Misfits reference in the title.

Posted by: Mattfactor at December 18, 2008 12:06 PM

Branded, I'm warning you.

Posted by: TK at December 18, 2008 12:56 PM

Got suspended? That's too bad!
All my friends on " A g e l e s s M a t e. c o m " can't wait to watch the game!! they actually hold a forum there talking about this! BTW, it's the place where hot cougars, milfs, sexy young man and chicks meet, mingle and for someting more!! You may wanna check it out!!LOL

Posted by: katety at December 18, 2008 1:00 PM

The Misfits, although I prefer the Samhain version.

Posted by: Recondite at December 18, 2008 1:23 PM

Not that this makes it any easier to stomach for those that hated Zombie's remake, but the new one (supposedly to be titled H2, for Godtopus' sake) isn't supposed to be a remake of Halloween II. It apparently picks up right where the first left off, with Laurie Strode covered in Michael's brain matter, screaming her nuts off, and it will all be from her POV. So, you know, there's that.

I'm not really helping, am I?

Posted by: JustBill at December 18, 2008 1:50 PM

I hope that Rob Zombie's talentless wife pulls a fast one and guts him like a fish before this thing ever sees the light of day...his death cannot come quickly enough. When will we be free of this torment?

Posted by: Smokin at December 18, 2008 3:45 PM

Man' fuck all of you. I understand the Halloween hate' but I really like House of 1000 Corpses and Devils Rejects. I don,t care what anyone says.

Posted by: the_wakeful at December 18, 2008 6:59 PM

It's funny when Gen-Xers and other various old people get all pissy about remakes. You do know the original still exists and you can watch it whenever you want, right?

You're not angry at the remake. You're angry that you're getting old.

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Posted by: Fan at December 18, 2008 8:27 PM

Gosh, ben, you're SO deep and insightful.

Please. Angry that we're getting old? Someone just polish off a brand new psych degree? You can judge an entire group of people (who you've never met, AND don't actually know their age) by their reaction to movie news?

Shut up. No, really. That's easily the dumbest thing I've read on the internet in a long time.

Posted by: I Love Beets at December 18, 2008 8:34 PM

And just so you know ben, Katety and Fan the Spambots are included in Beets list of dumb things on the internets...so is that godawful thing Nosek surprised everyone with today.

Oh and Pookie...I feel you on the percocet...had some for a back injury, and I swear to you, those were the best 4 days of my life, hands down, end of story.

Posted by: Smokin at December 19, 2008 2:01 AM


















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