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The Hell She Screaming For? Oh, Another Halloween Movie?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (12)

halloween-b11.jpg

We’re still trying to shake last week’s horror week out of our system, especially in light of the fact that horror isn’t the most popular genre with our readers, which means there was a lot of blah with regard to last week’s subject material. But, they are profitable at the box office, so don’t expect them to go away anytime soon. Let’s just hope that, in the future, there’s at least a modicum of counter-programming (hippie movies don’t count). Sorority Row debuts in two weeks, but at least there’s also 9 to enjoy, Whiteout to ignore, and Tyler Perry to bash.

At any rate, even though Rob Zombie’s Halloween II landed only in third place this weekend, with $17 million, the newly emboldened Weinsteins (thanks to Inglourious Basterds) have decided to green-light a third one. And why not? A $17 million opening weekend recoups the entire $15 million production budget, and it’ll probably double it at the box-office and pour on the blood gravy on DVD.

However, the third time around, the new Halloween franchise will not get one-upped by another tired horror movie franchise that decides to add 3D to its bag of tricks (along with razor blades, rusty nails and short fucking skirts), as happened over the weekend up with The Final Destination. Appropriately, the next sequel will be Halloween 3D. Raise up, heeya.

I’ve got no problem with the 3D; in fact, with horror movies, it actually adds to the cheese factor, which made My Bloody Valentine 3D an extraordinarily awesome so-bad-it’s-good experience. It didn’t add much to Final Destination, however, except to make it look cheap and even more gimmicky. I don’t truly understand the technology behind the new 3D, but I do know The Final Destination proved that it could be done poorly.

Note, however, that Rob Zombie will not be in the director’s chair this time around. Zombie has moved on to another remake, The Blob, so the Weinsteins will have to find a replacement. Those second-tier horror directors are fairly interchangeable (and a first-tier horror director probably won’t jump to an existing franchise, especially one that’s already coughing up phlegm like a sickly Pet Semetary lap dog), so when a director is announced, it’ll probably be someone like Patrick Lussier (My Bloody Valentine) or one of the many writers or directors that the Saw franchise has spawned. My money is on Marcus Dunstan (The Collector) because I loathe him, and the universe loathes me.

Halloween 3D will be released next summer. Probably the last weekend of August again. Cause the Weinsteins aren’t brave enough to go after the Saw franchise over the more appropriately Halloween weekend. And besides, when it comes to Jigsaw Murderer vs. Michael Myers, the real loser is us. You see, God. I toldja you shouldn’t have rested on the 7th day. Look what you’ve wrought.









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Comments

Pretty sure God didn't have to do anything to do with this. I'm sure that there was a waiting line behind Robert Johnson at that particular crossroads that evening. It's the only explanation of how movies like this keep getting made.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at August 31, 2009 10:24 AM

Can't be. Robert Johnson lost his soul and died young, but at least he got good music in return. What lesser offering did these clowns make to be able to release shit movies? A spleen? Three bus tokens and an old hair brush? The drive shaft off a '72 Bonneville? A freshly "loved" goat?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 31, 2009 10:32 AM

This just in folks, courtesy of the douchebags at Entertainment Meekly...I mean Weekly.

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/08/31/disney-buying-marvel-for-4-billion/

For those of you too lazy to click on a fucking link, or just don't want to soil your computer with cookies from EW's website, the link in question says it all: Disney is buying Marvel for an estimated $4 billion, giving them control over not only the comic books themselves but also Marvel Films.

Congratulations Disney, you've fucked something else up.

Posted by: bignick at August 31, 2009 10:41 AM

Are the "Saw"s still being made? I mean, yeah, I don't have to watch them or have them affect my life...but....are they really?

Posted by: Jay at August 31, 2009 10:43 AM

Can't be. Robert Johnson lost his soul and died young, but at least he got good music in return. What lesser offering did these clowns make to be able to release shit movies? A spleen? Three bus tokens and an old hair brush? The drive shaft off a '72 Bonneville? A freshly "loved" goat?

A pancake breakfast, 10 percent of the network TBS, and screenwriting credits on the hit show According To Jim.

Posted by: George at August 31, 2009 10:49 AM

I say let the Weinsteins stick to the horror genre as much as they want. It distracts them from producing any "comedies" like they did with Scary Movie 1-4, Superhero Movie, Who's Your Caddy?, etc. Now that shit is terrifying.

Posted by: branded at August 31, 2009 10:49 AM

Jay - Yup. Number 6 should come out this Halloween; number 7, next year. They are legion.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 31, 2009 10:49 AM

Can't be. Robert Johnson lost his soul and died young, but at least he got good music in return. What lesser offering did these clowns make to be able to release shit movies? A spleen? Three bus tokens and an old hair brush? The drive shaft off a '72 Bonneville? A freshly "loved" goat?

A pancake breakfast, 10 percent of the network TBS, and screenwriting credits on the hit show According To Jim.

Posted by: George at August 31, 2009 10:50 AM

Morbid curiosity lead me to Wikipedia to read the spolier loaded re-cap of Halloween 2. All I can say is, wtf? Besides the stupid twist at the end it seems an inordinate amount of people get stabbed in the face in this flick. I also read the recap for "The Collector" and I'm almost impressed with the total denial that torture porn has been a failed genre for a few months now. It's worth a read, if only because it sounds so ridiculously repugnant and stupid.

Sort of the same way I greeted the news that Disney is buying Marvel. It could be worse, though. It could be DC.

Posted by: TylerDFC at August 31, 2009 11:23 AM

My money is on Marcus Dunstan (The Collector) because I loathe him, and the universe loathes me.
I hope you're right. Then there's a chance we might get a little subtlety and ingenuity in the remake strand of the Halloween series. Considering he's a less violent director than Zombie, not actually showing the violence occur but instead relying on the audience's expectations to paint the missing frames around his suggestive but not explicit editing, there might be something here. At worse, it will be mediocre (a step up from Zombie's entries). At best, it's unlikely he'll feel the need to put Sheri Moon Zombie in the film.

Posted by: Robert at August 31, 2009 12:13 PM

Dunno about the rest of you, but I'm rooting for a shot-for-shot remake of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.

Posted by: sansho1 at August 31, 2009 12:25 PM

There are better horror movies to remake. Like Basket Case....I Spit on Your Grave...Love at First Bite....

Posted by: dawn at August 31, 2009 3:53 PM