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Guitar Hero The Movie?
Don’t Bet On It / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 2, 2008 | Comments (19)

421590486.jpgI don’t understand the appeal of Guitar Hero. Pretend-playing a fake guitar that has absolutely no relation to an actual instrument? There’s gotta be a better way to spend your afternoon. Initially, I thought my distaste for it was mostly theoretical, but I recently had an opportunity to play the game, and I came away with pretty much the same feeling I had before playing it, namely “What the hell?” What’s the appeal? But then again, I firmly believe that if you can’t rip off your opponent’s head or return a kick for a touchdown, there’s no point to a video game.

Anyway, Hollywood’s leading dipshit, Bret Ratner, apparently wants to make a movie out of Guitar Hero, because that’s what dipshits do. As he told MTV:

“I love ‘Guitar Hero’ and I think it’s a part of pop culture. I would love to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie, if Activision would ever let me. I’m trying to convince them, but why would you have a movie screw up such a huge franchise? Not that I would make a bad movie. So that would be cool, to do a ‘Guitar Hero’ movie. “

The premise:

“It could be about a kid from a small town who dreams of being a rock star and he wins the ‘Guitar Hero’ competition. One of these dreams-[come-true] kind of concepts.”

Wow. Did Ratner just blow my mind? Is this what it’s like to have your mind blown? Because that idea … I’m floored! By reproducing his words here, I think a little bit of his genius may have rubbed off on me. It smells like … testicle sweat.

I think I’m gonna go shower now.









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Comments

Ratner's a twat. Why not just make a movie about a kid who plays guiter and wins some cool shit and at the end of the flick, there's a hot chick and some sweet-ass cars, and he, like, roundhouse kicks a bully's head off and some fighter planes soar overhead dropping pornography? Why not just do that, and not ride on the coattails of a mediocre video franchise? Again, he's a twat.

What the hell's up with the new format? It makes my stomach cramp...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 2, 2008 11:27 AM

Unless heel has frozen over and pigs are flying, there is no way Bret Ratner could do this better than Trey and Matt.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995580/

Posted by: Brian at September 2, 2008 11:28 AM

"Not that I would make a bad movie."

Well as long as Ratner cleared that up, then how could this possibly go wrong?

Wait a second...a kid-dreams-come-true story revolving around a video game...is it possible to play Guitar Hero with the PowerGlove? Is Fred Savage available?

Posted by: branded at September 2, 2008 11:29 AM

Hmmm...wasn't this pretty much the plot of the hour-and-a-half long Nintendo commercial The Wizard? This is just lazy. And for the record, Guitar Hero? Annoying. I made the mistake of giving it to my brothers for Christmas, and was pretty much subjected to the clicking of squeaky little Fisher Price guitars for weeks on end.

Posted by: Jeremy at September 2, 2008 11:30 AM

Wasn't that the premise of the Guitar Hero episode of South Park? I know Ratner is allergic to originality, but c'mon...Matt and Trey ought to flex their legal muscle just this once.

Posted by: Kat at September 2, 2008 11:30 AM

Looks like I need to push that Hadron collider drank up a couple of days.

Posted by: twig at September 2, 2008 11:43 AM

I have to pop in here and say a word in defense of Guitar Hero. If the beer is flowing and the pizza is hot, there's no better way to spend a summer evening.

Well, having sex might be a better way, but let's not pretend that people who play Guitar Hero ever get close enough to intercourse to make it a viable option. No matter how freely that beer is flowing...

Posted by: Mella at September 2, 2008 12:27 PM

Sadly, I am the Guitar Hero nerd who started casting the movie in my head... From the selectable characters... I need a life.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 2, 2008 12:28 PM

Um.. didn't South Park already do this?

Posted by: kell at September 2, 2008 3:11 PM

Hey Bret, sorry about your luck, but uh... Didn't South Park already do this?

Posted by: kell at September 2, 2008 3:13 PM

Hold on a sec... I think this was already an episode of South Park.

Way to not even check to see if your idea's already been done, Ratner. The audacity of some people...

Posted by: Macafee at September 2, 2008 4:08 PM

I prefer Rock Band.

Still, I wouldn't pay a red cent to see either of those movies. *shudder*

Hey, what if he directed a TETRIS MOVIE?!?!? It could be about a snotty rich kid and a kid from the "wrong side of the tracks" who learn to work together and conquer the Tetris championships.

Even though it's a single player game.

Does my genius smell like t'aint sweat?

Posted by: monkey_b at September 2, 2008 9:18 PM

Aye, Rock Band's good cause odds are your friends won't want to be the singer and you can stay on the mic forever.

Hell of a lot easier than the friggin button pushing!

Posted by: Jay at September 2, 2008 9:36 PM

You just uncovered my Rock Band M.O., Jay! I can hog the mic forever without seeming like a douche. But really, I'm doing my friends a favor. Yeah, I still murder the high notes to "Creep", but in a slightly less earbleed-inducing way than everyone else does.

Posted by: monkey_b at September 2, 2008 9:44 PM

I've never played any Guitar Hero, but I've watched people play, and it just does not appeal to me. AND, one thing that annoys me to no end (and I make it very clear to the offenders), is whenever a couple of our part-time employees at my job hear a song and have to discuss how "hard" or "fun" it is to play on Guitar Hero. I don't know why that bothers me as much as it does, but it's almost as though that's the only place some of this music exists for them. Ah, maybe I'm too much like Stan's dad.

Posted by: Cody at September 2, 2008 9:50 PM

How many times does Hollywood get to rip off South Park before Parker and Stone get paid for it?

Posted by: Lucas at September 2, 2008 11:27 PM

Dustin has obviously never had the *proper* indoctrination into Rock Band/Guitar Hero, by getting wasted and staying up until 5:00 am playing it. All the while not realizing how late it is because the last time you checked the clock it was only 12:30, and that much time couldn't possibly have passed. That, my friend, is where you see its genius.

I'm a little leery of the new format. Don't become like The Onion where your front page is a mess of different types of content, making me forget what I've read and what I haven't and then losing interest in the time it takes me to figure it out. It's already hard to keep up as it is.

Posted by: katy at September 3, 2008 12:47 AM

What if they had Uwe Boll team up with Ratner on this masterpiece?

Posted by: Bort at September 3, 2008 1:24 AM

Bort - that would be proof that they fired up the Hadron Collider... if that's not the end of the fucking universe then I don't know what is.

Too bad Lobsang Ludd* is fictional as we could really use him right about now...

*That's for all you Pratchett fans out there

Posted by: Colombo at September 3, 2008 2:48 AM