Pajiba

Pan's Labyrinth is in my top 5 movies of all time.
I will go see any Del Toro production that doesn't have the word "Hellboy" in the title.

Ugh, I hate that Katie Holmes gets work. Going back to the last post where I had to justify Felicia Day doing SyFy originals...this is just not right. Why can't someone beautiful and talented get work instead? Stupid Katie Holmes...

You can't take it back now Dustin. You have gone on my list. Good day.

I can't wait for this movie. The original has been quietly creeping me out ever since that Saturday night I got back home from playing D&D at Neil Carlson's house across the street and watched it with my mom. I was too afraid to even go in the kitchen a get a slice of Saunder's bumpy cake during commercials.

That was almost 30 years ago.

Except for Russell Brand. Man, what were you thinking with that guy?

We have shipped him off to the US... have we not?

Ah, yes. The "Celine Dion Defense" made so famous by the Canadians.

Sorry, no. Just because he spends some time here does not make him ours. Goddamnit, take a little fucking responsibility for your mistakes, would you?

since the UK’s pop-cultural taste is so obviously superior to our own.

Ahem....if it pleases the court:

- Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? British
- Pop Idol (the Precursor to American Idol?) British
- Dancing with the Stars? British
- In fact, nearly 50% of our reality TV crap comes from Britain and the arse of Simon Cowell.

Dear citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your demonstrated appreciation for Russell Edward Brand (“Russell Brand”, “the actor”) (formerly, “the English actor”) notice is hereby given of the transfer of all rights and obligations (rights presumed to be few of any use and obligations presumed to be many) associated with Russell Brand’s work and person, from Britain to the United States. The payment for Russell Brand has already been received, with thanks, from yourselves, and hence this transfer is effective immediately.

First please let us take this opportunity to point out that Russell Brand is not as much a mistake as he is a failed attempt to adjust our balance of trade. Now that we have found there is not as much oil in the North Sea as we hoped, the banks are gone, the high-tech plan does not appear to be working out and in the absence of any other viable exports that you Americans would want to buy, there was simply not a lot else we could do.

On the matter of ownership of said actor, which some of your have questioned earlier: what you buy is generally presumed to be yours to keep. The mere necessity of spelling this out brings to light what the rest of the world have known for quite a while now – it was not you who invented capitalism, rather, it was a Scotsman named Adam Smith.

We regret the moderate detriment which we expect Russell Brand will cause to your pop culture, but could not do otherwise -- the French would not take him. Unfortunately our return policy does not provide for either repair or replacement or full or partial refund for Russell Brand, were your tastes to improve in the future. Thank you for shopping with Britain.

Yours faithfully,
Britishers

P.S. We are still awaiting payment for Rowan Atkinson, whom we shall be happy to ship, at no extra cost to you, to your specified delivery address as soon as the payment is received.

P.P.S. But we are keeping BP.

First, you got me to click (DAMN YOU)!

Second, I wouldn't have recognized that header photo as Katie Holmes until I read that it was her.

Third, I agree that SB's comment is magnificent, particularly the phrase "moderate detriment" - go ahead, say it aloud a few times, then contemplate its meaning and how perfectly turned it is. However, I hesitate to point out, isn't this week's EE in jM's charge?

the French would not take him.

One more reason to hate the motherfucking French.

You know how some of you hate Gwyneth Paltrow, the Heigl, and Jennifer Aniston with the fire of a thousand suns? Well that's how I feel about Katie fucking Holmes. Pure hatred. On the other hand, Guillermo del Toro is the shit (I'm currently reading The Strain, beyond awesome). I'm so torn...

Thank you for shopping with Britain.

Point of Order:

We did not buy Russell Brand.
You slipped him into our pocket then ran, just like that fucking creepy Burger King
King guy did with the money into people's pockets in those stupid commercials.

You get that, Britain??? You're CREEPY!!
Like that creepy King guy!!

So fuck you very much for that, ya bloody thick wankahs.

Our dearest Americans,

There still appears to be some confusion amongst you all as to whether or not you have bought Russell Brand. It is our understanding that you provided said actor (who was at the time unemployed, having been sacked from BBC following numerous improprieties) with work in exchange for compensation and dwelling space in the territory of your country. We believe this does indeed constitute an act of purchase.

As for some of you expressing displeasure with your recent acquisition, we can do little but reiterate our apologies (also see above re: our returns policy). Whilst we did know that your giving the actor a place in your popular culture would not be to your advantage, we truthfully expected the majority of you would not notice any difference. Some of us further believed that there was a good chance a large proportion of your population might even perceive the development as a positive one due to an unusual condition many of you appear to suffer from, which we think is a peculiar strain of Anglophilia, and the symptoms of which include, but are not limited to:

(1) wholly outsourcing your children’s literature writing to us (assumedly this is done in order to instil a penchant for Englishness in your future generations from an early age);

(2) partly outsourcing to us you music-making function (self explanatory);

(3) obsessively following the affairs of our Royal Family (now this is creepy, Rykker, my friend);

(4) requiring there be at least one British judge on every American reality TV show (Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, Nigel Lythgoe, and Len Goodman to mention a few) even though we have consistently declined to reciprocate by accepting American judges to our reality television shows;

(5) not competing against us in any sport we give a damn about (we hope the World Cup glitch was a temporary development. For the avoidance of doubt: we do not appreciate being beaten at what is our national sport).

Sadly our ability to better define this condition or be of any help in finding a cure is impaired by lack of comparative data, as none of our other former colonies seem to have it.

Coming back to the subject of Russell Brand, we further note this is not the first time you have popularised an unpopular / little-known inhabitant of the British Isles then turned around and tried to apportion the blame for the resulting debacle. Please be advised that a separate notice of transfer will be issued for Robert Pattinson the next time any of you cheeky buggers durst take a swipe at Cool Britannia.

Also, in order to avoid similar misunderstandings in future, we ask that before you go plucking any more Brits from obscurity, please run it by us first thus giving us an opportunity to voice our objections to your chosen individuals in a more timely fashion.

Cheerio,
Britishers

And bleujayone, this is brilliant.

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As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say, I just watch what they do. – Andrew Carnegie

A bit of peoples have the center to scrap this, glad to see you 're not one of them. Hold it up.

This really answered my problem, thanks!