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Cool Logo. Dumb Superhero

At Least He’s not Aquaman / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments (56)

The Green Lantern and Aquaman have long since been my two least favorite superheroes (besides Apache Chief, of course, cause that shit was just racist). Aquaman had superpowers that extended only to the water, which is useful only if in the case of menacing dolphins who rob coral reefs (although supervillians had to be very careful about not driving their getaway cars into the ocean while they were being chased by real superheroes). Then there’s Green Lantern with his all powerful ring — it can do fucking anything, like even create an entire city. His limitation: It doesn’t work on yellow objects (and yes, I know, the lack of effect on Yellow was retconned in 2006, but that’s just lame ass — you can’t take away a superheroes weakness after 60 years — that’s like suddenly deciding, after centuries of vampire lore, to turn them into glitter freaks when they stand in the sun). So, in effect: The Green Lantern has the most powerful weapon in the history of man, just as long as he’s not facing off against Curious George’s Man with a Yellow Hat or Big Bird, who’d probably beak him to death.

Anyway, as we’ve mentioned previously, The Green Lantern movie is a go. Here’s the update: It now has a director, and a moderately decent one, at that. Martin Campbell, who directed Casino Royale and The Mask of Zorro has been hired to helm the project. The film, for Green Lantern enthusiasts, will be a Hal Jordan origins story (he’s the best known Green Lantern). There will be several rings. And the villain is Legion, who is a tentacled yellow robot monster who eats old people’s medicine.

Hal Jordan is one dumbass name. He’ll be played by Chris O’Donnell.*

(* I made up that Chris O’Donnell part ).

I wonder what Apache Chief is up to these days, anyway? Oh, I know:







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Comments

Harvey Birdman did the definitive Apache Chief story. It was heartbreaking and yet life-affirming; a true tour-de-force.

The power...is in your pants.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 6, 2009 11:28 AM

You apparently continue to ignore Darwyn Cooke's comic (and then animated movie) "The New Frontier", which among other things is a Hal Jordan origin story and one of the best things ever........and then you don't even use Harvey Birdman for an Apache Chief clip?

Family Guy?

Seriously?

Granted, if Chris O'Donnell really did get involved I wouldn't touch that shit. I've hated that fuckknuckle for going on fourteen years.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 11:32 AM

Um, the link on the main page seems to go to the three stooges article. I had to get here via the comments.

On the actual subject, all I can think of is one of the Venture Brothers slept in Aquaman pjs and it took me damn near forever to figure that out.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 6, 2009 11:40 AM

Here's hoping they follow through on all the talk/rumours of casting Common in the lead. Hollywood still has to make amends for giving us Blankman

Posted by: malikvlc at February 6, 2009 11:42 AM

For anyone who wants... yeah, Jay already said it. Watch "The New Frontier" for a crash course in the DC superheroes and their personalities.

Then watch 'Justice League: Unlimited' because it's really freaking good.

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 11:47 AM

Sorry malikvlc, if it's Hal it ain't Common.

twig, maybe I should goose the audience and tell them Boreanaz voiced Hal Jordan in the movie. And Neil Patrick Harris plays Barry Allen/The Flash. I know people here are all up in their business (Me, I was excited by Kyle MacLachlan playing Superman. Jeremy Sisto also arguably does a better "Dark Knight" voice than Bale did).

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 11:56 AM

I always get Aquaman confused with Scuba Steve.

Posted by: Marra at February 6, 2009 11:57 AM

*emerges from the comment lurker cave*

The main problem with all the Green Lanterns is their lack of imagination. They face off against a bad guy and the only thing they can think up is a gigantic mallet? Sure, it gets the job done, but where is the flair? If the Oans ever felt the need to grant me a ring, I'd use that shit to make giant T-Rexes with chainsaw arms that shoot radioactive waste out of their mouths and zip around on rollerblades.

Of course, my archnemesis would be a guy in a foam banana suit.

Posted by: Quorren at February 6, 2009 11:57 AM

The main problem with all the Green Lanterns is their lack of imagination.

Kyle Raynor, the Green Lantern after Hal Jordan, was an artist who was often shown to have the imagination to truly wield the ring.

Hal Jordan? Boxing gloves. Always with the damn boxing gloves.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 6, 2009 12:04 PM

While the John Stewart Green Lantern angle may or may not work, Hollywood isn't averse to changing time frames and races of heroes to make the Common role work.

If the Oans ever felt the need to grant me a ring, I'd use that shit to make giant T-Rexes with chainsaw arms that shoot radioactive waste out of their mouths and zip around on rollerblades.

Sounds like we have another great animal exhibit idea for the MurderZoo.

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 12:08 PM

Let's skip the lameness and get to Guy Gardner.

Posted by: DRE at February 6, 2009 12:20 PM

Dustin, pookie? Is it your time of the month? First you trash a fairly decent commercial, and now this.

Dissing Green Lantern, not Aquaman, that is. Fuck Aquaman. Fuck him in his fishy arse.

I suppose, if your only exposure to the greatness that is Green Lantern is the Challenge Of The Superfriends cartoon, that it makes sense to hate on him. Hell, by those laughably poor standards, The Flash sucks too. And this is coming from someone who loves Flash and GL, as well as that "classic" Saturday morning cartoon. But allow me to turn your attention to the current GL run (specifically the first six issues and the Sinestro War storyline - that's right, Sinestro is pretty bad ass, as well). You'll come around.

With the proper cast and a director that can balance a solid story, good characters, and an ape-shit use of CGI for some sweet ring effects, this could be a pretty kick-ass franchise. You'd have great action, ring fights that'd make Star Wars and Matrix fans cream themselves (which, admittedly, isn't hard to do), and a wealth of potential stories that wouldn't need to rely on the comics - something that hamstrings most comics-based franchises. In fact, Green Lantern has the potential to set the standard for future franchises, if handled properly.

This post has been written from inside the poster's locker, where he is thankful for his iPhone, dexterous fingers, and the foresight to install the means to open the locker door from the inside...

Posted by: David at February 6, 2009 12:28 PM

I hate you Dustin. Hal Jordan could impregnate me if he wanted (I'm sure he'd find a way) and I'd be happy about it.

In brightest day,
In blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware my power:
Green Lantern's light!

Fuck you.

Posted by: Lucas at February 6, 2009 12:29 PM

But to be honest, I don't like the idea. Green Lantern has always been a great way to identify fellow geeknerds. If you're at all a comic book nerd, you know and love Green Lantern. If you aren't, you've probably never even heard of him. If I wear my GL shirt in public, I don't want to get compliments (or insults) on it from people who only ever saw the movie. He's the last obscure superhero with a clear logo (Green Arrow doesn't have a logo and the Flash had a movie in the 80s that some people still remember).

Posted by: Lucas at February 6, 2009 12:35 PM

I'm going to jump in on the Green Lantern lovetrain. I've been a GL fan for about 14 years and I've got to say...it's about time we got a freakin' movie. I mean...Ghost Rider before GL? C'mon!

As to the hate our illustrious Mr. Rowles spews (much like the hate energy a Red Lantern would spew) I just keep in mind he's adamantly against all things comicbook (and therefore awesome) and ignore it. Eventually he will come around to the goodness that comics represent.

Or we will all kill him with our overpriced sci-fi movie props

Posted by: ASterisk at February 6, 2009 12:43 PM

malikvlc: Common? Really? (ahem) Sqeeee! That said, why the fuck is that cock-wallet Chris O'Donnell attached to this when Jon Hamm exists on this plane of reality?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 6, 2009 12:56 PM

The Mask of Zorro

Not to be confused with the sequel, The Beard of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Flash also had a TV show in the 90s with a couple of second-tier TV actors. It was actually decent but never had a chance. I thought Green Arrow had ... um ... like, an arrow on his chest or something? Didn't he and Green Lantern do some crossover comics together? Speaking of beards ...

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 1:01 PM

why the fuck is that cock-wallet Chris O'Donnell attached to this

Easy....easy.....that was just a joke.

Jon Hamm....uhhhh.......a little old for an origin story, but obviously he's got the DC look, he's known for living in the Silver Age.

No, Green Arrow doesn't have a logo, but yeah, the two of them paired up in the 70s. He was the social conscience hero. Green Arrow says don't ride the white horse!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:22 PM

Agree with a few posters. One of the surest ways to really see the depth of comic book geek is to ask him which Grean Lantern he liked best... if he says John Stewart I promptly stinkpalm him, the only true retribution that a comic book geek can have!
I wear my GL t-shirt with pride and with almost no-one having a clue who the hell he is.

My love for the GL sprouts from the 80's when marvel decided to boycott my little strip of gold at the bottom of africa and the GL was the only really cool hero besides Batman.

So, beware Directors and Producers of this movie, there are plenty of serious fans out there that will come heat up the internet with sharp quips and nitpicking of a the grandma variety just waiting for this shit to go south.

And yes, what the hell was it with the boxing gloves!!!

And Dustin, you dont understand man, the ring causes pain man, real pain! its not something that can be just put on!

The pain, the pain!!!

Posted by: Stofjas at February 6, 2009 1:24 PM

Jay: Not really. Jordan had been a fighter pilot and worked as test pilot before becoming GL, so that puts him in his late 20s at least. Of course, they'll never introduce a hero who is that old . . . Hmm, maybe Jeffery Donovan? Guy Pierce? Both perhaps a bit long in the tooth.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 6, 2009 1:32 PM

maybe I should goose the audience and tell them Boreanaz voiced Hal Jordan in the movie. And Neil Patrick Harris plays Barry Allen/The Flash.

What?! Great. So now I have to become a geek so I have some idea of what's going on here, because this I am going to need to see. Damn you Jay!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 6, 2009 1:41 PM

And I inadvertently got Optimus to watch the Crack Fox this week too!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 1:43 PM

L

A

M

E

There. I said it. I fucking hated Green Latern. Eat it, nerds.

Posted by: Smokin at February 6, 2009 1:58 PM

We can't hear you, Smokin. The atomic wedgie is covering our ears.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 2:12 PM

Who the fuck uses lanterns anymore? We have harnessed the power of electricity people, update the character and get with the goddamn times.

The Green Compact Fluorescent Light Bulb

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 2:21 PM

Screw this neo-Oan-lantern shit! I want to see Alan Scott kicking it really old school...

I, the Green Flame, will burn three times.
The first time, I bring death.
The second, I bring life.
And the third time I burn, I bring power...

Posted by: Adam C at February 6, 2009 2:30 PM

Yeah the name and logo "Green Lantern" made a lot more sense magically than it does science fictionally. Green Lantern is still, however, AWESOME because his power is only limited by his imagination and his will, and the metaphors you can accomplish when you translate that correctly into a story...

Also, lay off Aquaman, there are umpty billion superheroes policing the land, and he OWNS and operates the other 90% OF THE EARTH. Once again, the awesomeness of the character is limited only by the author's imagination. One day I will write my Aquaman vs. Cthulhu crossover. Please stop basing all superhero judgments on the lamery of Super Friends.

Posted by: puppetDoug at February 6, 2009 2:56 PM

"[Green Lantern]'s the last obscure superhero with a clear logo (Green Arrow doesn't have a logo and the Flash had a movie in the 80s that some people still remember)."

Are Green Lantern and the Flash obscure? Really? Because I've never read a comic book in my life and I know who they are. I even know what they look like. I don't know WHO the hell Green Arrow is, though.

I actually wish I knew more about comic books, but I never read them growing up and now I'm too intimidated by the sheer volume with which I'd have to play catch-up. I need, like, a comic book tutor or special-ed class. Something for the curious, but remedial. I would consider it a kindness if there were no helmets or short buses involved.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 3:12 PM

Awesome Dustin. Don't bother extending your knowledge of Green Lantern past Super Friends. Cuz you know...that was such a great, well thought out show. GREAT idea.

Posted by: Alex at February 6, 2009 3:15 PM

Green Lantern isn't simply stopped by yellow color. It isn't even close to that retarded. The whole idea of his strength depends on how much willpower he has. Try not taking all your info of the character from a cartoon from the 70s that pussifys everyone it touches.

Posted by: Alex at February 6, 2009 3:18 PM

Ah-HEM.

I for one am encouraged about this news. That is all.

Posted by: Green Lantern at February 6, 2009 3:33 PM

Plus, I'm about to make one BOLD mutha-humpin' statement...

I'm probably more qualified to talk about anything involving DC Comics and their properties than any other Pajibite in the Pajibaverse.

I can say this while I'm proudly sporting my very own power ring that I charge daily from my very own power battery. Yes, I'm serious.

No, it doesn't REALLY give me superpowers. Nerds.

Posted by: Green Lantern at February 6, 2009 3:43 PM

Sarina: That's what Wikipedia's for. You know comicbook geeks have nothing better to do than update their favorite hero's entry every time some minor plot device is used. And it's free.

Posted by: ASterisk at February 6, 2009 3:44 PM

I don't believe in Wikipedia.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 3:47 PM

Forget what I said about Mr. Hamm. I just watched the episode and Liz Lemon cast him in the role. I can't fight that.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 3:51 PM

I don't believe in Wikipedia.

It believes in you. And watches you while you sleep.

Posted by: twig at February 6, 2009 4:03 PM

in college i had a green saturn named "hal" and a green imac named "parallax". i know that was random, but i just thought i'd share.

Posted by: kelley at February 6, 2009 4:43 PM

"It believes in you. And watches you while you sleep."

I believe that, twig. Wikipedia is both retarded as hell and vaguely creepy. I once dated a guy who was goddamn obsessed with Wikipedia. I would be all, "Are you gonna do dirty things to me, or do I get to just sit around and listen to you talk endlessly about editing some stupid fucking Wikipedia entry? Because I don't care. Like, at all." And inevitably, I would have to endure at least an hour of pretending to listen to that shit. God, that dude was boring. I have no idea wtf I was thinking that whole time I was involved with him.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 5:05 PM

I can assist you in your comic book education, Sarina, no charge. I did it for Prisco, and you probably have a better rack than him anyway.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 6, 2009 5:27 PM

Are you gonna do dirty things to me, or do I get to just sit around and listen to you talk endlessly about editing some stupid fucking Wikipedia entry?

Now, I won't lie that I don't sometimes need to be told something like that. But you're saying he didn't then stop?

Read "DC: The New Frontier" then "Kingdom Come" and also "Marvels". There's your modern superhero grounding, then you can leap out anywhere into other standalone stories/story arcs of the characters that interest you, conveniently packaged in paperbacks which usually cover about six issues worth of material.

You should probably also read "The Invisibles" and "Transmetropolitan", the latter of which you probably could've written.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 5:37 PM

"Now, I won't lie that I don't sometimes need to be told something like that. But you're saying he didn't then stop?"

Yeah. Unfuckingbelievable, right? And when it actually happened, the sex wasn't even very good. Like I said, I have NO IDEA what I was thinking the whole time I was involved with him. He also wouldn't play video games with me, because he got all pissed when I won. He was totally 11 years old in the brainspace.

Anyway, I'll add those books to my TBR list Jay, but just to warn you, the list is 16 pages long. It'll be awhile before I get to them.

V, do you want me to email you? A tutorial for 'tards would be most appreciated.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 5:51 PM

He also wouldn't play video games with me...

That bastard!!!!

If I ever run into him, I shall give him a sound thrashing. To the face!

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 6:10 PM

Sabrina, legend has it that I learned to read on comic books. I'll be happy to help you out. I won't even ask to see your rack. I mean, I won't say no if you offer, but it's not a prerequisite.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 6, 2009 6:16 PM

Uh oh.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 6:20 PM

Okay, anybody with the patience and ambition to teach my ignorant ass anything about comic books, email me. Just make sure you spell my motherfucking name right, or I will not be particularly pleasant.

Posted by: Sarina at February 6, 2009 6:22 PM

Great, more comic book movie news posted by someone who doesn't read comics. I really care about your opinion, dude. Apache Chief? Really? The character created for the Super Friends cartoon show to racially integrate the team? Which ACTUAL comic was he in again? And how many Green Lantern comics did you read before deciding you didn't like the character? Or deciding the yellow weakness was "retconned" away (which is wasn't)? Don't pretend to have an opinion about something you don't know anything about, it makes you sound like a moron.

Posted by: Mitch Clem at February 6, 2009 6:40 PM

I can't believe that you wrote all of this about Green Lantern. You never watched Justice League, Justice League Unlimited, or New Frontier? Or even The Batman, for the love of God?

Posted by: Meander at February 6, 2009 6:53 PM

I need to start reading more Pajiba. I've been so busy that I can't keep up with these discussions. Here Jay is mentioning my new Crack Fox addiction and where was I? Oh probably off paging through a copy of Cheekbones Magazine instead of dutifully refreshing Pajiba.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 6, 2009 8:39 PM

Oh Dustin. I've wanted to say this for so long, but it wouldn't be scathing or bitchy. Now, I feel I must.

Deep breath. OK. Dustin, Sweetie, bless your heart you sweet sweet ignorant boy. Please don't hate on what you don't understand. It just makes you look silly and uneducated.

And I say that while offering you a nice fried pork chop and a slice of pecan pie with large glass of sweet tea to wash it all down.

OK honey? Just leave the comic book talk to the big kids who know what's going on and enjoy your sweets and fried foods.. Alright? There. That wasn't so bad. Was it?

Yes. That's a good little boy who knows not to talk when the grown folks are speaking right? Yes. I'll buy you a GI Joe when we get to the check out and then its time for a nice nap.

And yes, you can sleep with your My Little Pony and I won't tell anyone.

Posted by: cmoody at February 6, 2009 11:28 PM

Mom! Get off the internet! You're embarrassing me in front of my friends!

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 4:13 AM

My word, all the nerdrage going on around here. Wedgies fine, mess with Green Lantern? Godtopus forbid.

Posted by: Smokin at February 7, 2009 12:49 PM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:04 PM

I'd offer to help out in the mis-education of Sarina, but I'm guessing moments after saying she needed comic help she was bombarded by 1,000 treatises on the awesomeness that is Green Lantern.

And probably twice that many asking to see her rack.

Posted by: ASterisk at February 9, 2009 11:30 AM

Its about damn time they did a Green Lantern movie. The whole premise (at least back in the late 50's and 60's when I read them the most was sci-fi at its best in comicdom. I mean Ghost Rider? Dare Devil, with its awful what's her name spin-off? how many Superman and Batman flicks? Two Hulks and three Spideys Its 'bout time.

Posted by: Sam at February 9, 2009 4:38 PM

Elektra? That's her damn name.

That before Green Lantern!!

Doh!

Posted by: Sam at February 9, 2009 4:39 PM

ASterisk, I was only asked once to see my rack, and received only three responses to my... uhh... nerd alert bat signal thinger. So if you're still willing, I'm still assembling my comic tutorial squad. I seriously need all the help I can get.

Posted by: Sarina at February 9, 2009 6:52 PM


















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