February 6, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | February 6, 2009 |


You like television news?! Yeah! Awesome. Get excited. Here’s a few items that are gonna blow the stink out of your socks. I hope you’re not in a room with low ceilings, because in your excitement, you may knock yourself unconscious jumping up and down. I have two bits of news that are going to make you happy you own a television. And if you don’t have cable, you’re probably going to want to pay for it. Call up Time Warner or Comcast, and get yourself juiced. ASAP. This is thump-your-genitals exciting, y’all.

*Big Breath*

I’m talking it up too much, aren’t I? I’ve built your expectations too high. Don’t worry, though. When I finally get to today’s TV news, you’re not going to be disappointed. It’s too good. I couldn’t possibly overinflate expectations. I’m just so giddy — I feel like Courtney Cox in a Springsteen video. Wave your hands in the air, y’all! Wave ‘em! Wave ‘em! Roll those shoulders. Bite that lower lip, white boys. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Feel that energy? I think we must be passing through a particularly pleasant part of the solar system. I’m feeling a little light-headed. You know, I think I’d better lie down. I don’t think I can talk about it right now. Are those tears? Am I crying? Tears of joy, y’all! Tears of JOY!

OK. Here goes. Number one. Numero Uno. Alright, stick your ears really close to your monitor for this. I’ll whisper it so the full impact doesn’t hit you all at once and cause spontaneous ejaculation. OK. This is it. Here we go. Easy breaths: Krysten Ritter will be playing Carol Rhodes in spin-off of … wait for it … wait for it … GOSSIP GIRL!

I know, right? OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t feel my legs! And it’s not just any spin-off, y’all. This isn’t like “Joanie Loves Chachi” or any of that bullshit. No ma’am. This is a prequel spin-off. It will chronicle the wild teen life of Lily van der Woodsen in the 1980s. Who’s Lily van der Woodson? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that there’s going to be two-times (TWICE) (2) the amount of “Gossip Girl” on television next season. And that makes me numb in my funny parts.

Oh, that’s not all I got for you, folks. I wouldn’t be this excited for just a “Gossip Girl” spin-off. I got more. Much more. Huge news. H-U-G-E! Guess what? No: Not Chicken Butt, Silly. Tyler Perry’s new sitcom, after only 10 episodes, has been picked up for an additional SEVENTY (70) episodes! Can you believe it? 70! “Meet the Browns” debuted in January and is already the highest-rated comedy on ad-supported cable. That makes 80 episodes in all, on top of the 100 episodes TBS bought of Tyler Perry’s other television show, “House of Payne.” That’s 190 episodes of quality Tyler Perry television! Doesn’t that just make your heart glow?! I’m going to go find Jesus and give him a big BIG hug! What a day! What a day!

I LOVE ZOLOFT! I LOVE ZOLOFT SO MUCH I JUST ATE AN ENTIRE HANDFUL!!!! OMG!

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I'M HAPPIER THAN UNICORN F**KING ON A RAINBOW

I'm Too Old for this Ship / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments ()



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