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I’M HAPPIER THAN UNICORN F**KING ON A RAINBOW

I’m Too Old for this Ship / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 6, 2009 | Comments (50)

You like television news?! Yeah! Awesome. Get excited. Here’s a few items that are gonna blow the stink out of your socks. I hope you’re not in a room with low ceilings, because in your excitement, you may knock yourself unconscious jumping up and down. I have two bits of news that are going to make you happy you own a television. And if you don’t have cable, you’re probably going to want to pay for it. Call up Time Warner or Comcast, and get yourself juiced. ASAP. This is thump-your-genitals exciting, y’all.

*Big Breath*

I’m talking it up too much, aren’t I? I’ve built your expectations too high. Don’t worry, though. When I finally get to today’s TV news, you’re not going to be disappointed. It’s too good. I couldn’t possibly overinflate expectations. I’m just so giddy — I feel like Courtney Cox in a Springsteen video. Wave your hands in the air, y’all! Wave ‘em! Wave ‘em! Roll those shoulders. Bite that lower lip, white boys. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Feel that energy? I think we must be passing through a particularly pleasant part of the solar system. I’m feeling a little light-headed. You know, I think I’d better lie down. I don’t think I can talk about it right now. Are those tears? Am I crying? Tears of joy, y’all! Tears of JOY!

OK. Here goes. Number one. Numero Uno. Alright, stick your ears really close to your monitor for this. I’ll whisper it so the full impact doesn’t hit you all at once and cause spontaneous ejaculation. OK. This is it. Here we go. Easy breaths: Krysten Ritter will be playing Carol Rhodes in spin-off of … wait for it … wait for it … GOSSIP GIRL!

I know, right? OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t feel my legs! And it’s not just any spin-off, y’all. This isn’t like “Joanie Loves Chachi” or any of that bullshit. No ma’am. This is a prequel spin-off. It will chronicle the wild teen life of Lily van der Woodsen in the 1980s. Who’s Lily van der Woodson? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that there’s going to be two-times (TWICE) (2) the amount of “Gossip Girl” on television next season. And that makes me numb in my funny parts.

Oh, that’s not all I got for you, folks. I wouldn’t be this excited for just a “Gossip Girl” spin-off. I got more. Much more. Huge news. H-U-G-E! Guess what? No: Not Chicken Butt, Silly. Tyler Perry’s new sitcom, after only 10 episodes, has been picked up for an additional SEVENTY (70) episodes! Can you believe it? 70! “Meet the Browns” debuted in January and is already the highest-rated comedy on ad-supported cable. That makes 80 episodes in all, on top of the 100 episodes TBS bought of Tyler Perry’s other television show, “House of Payne.” That’s 190 episodes of quality Tyler Perry television! Doesn’t that just make your heart glow?! I’m going to go find Jesus and give him a big BIG hug! What a day! What a day!

I LOVE ZOLOFT! I LOVE ZOLOFT SO MUCH I JUST ATE AN ENTIRE HANDFUL!!!! OMG!









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Comments

Share the wealth, Rowles. I could use some pills after reading that shit.

Posted by: Marra at February 6, 2009 9:49 AM

is today 12-21-12?

Posted by: Fuel at February 6, 2009 9:53 AM

Tracy Jordan should never play Arthur Ashe. He's not that old.

Posted by: Captain Cliche at February 6, 2009 9:56 AM

The thing about Mr. Perry is that he usually doesn't intrude too much on my life, for which I'm grateful. However, I've been working in books throughout the whole series (along with all the spinoffs and ripoffs that continue to pour forth), so making one TV was annoying enough, not to mention the participation of that Bell woman who gets on my nerves, and that is definitely all over my white media sphere.

I know I'm going to have to hear all about this, is what I'm saying.

If I'm lucky....maybe there'll be some tie-in books!!!!!!!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 9:58 AM

Is that picture at the top on a tshirt or something? If it is, I want it.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 10:11 AM

ZOMG!!!1!1, you had me dancing on the ceiling, and then dropped me on my head. It's my infancy all over again.

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 10:13 AM

Wow Dustin, I'm so excited, I just killed everyone within a 20 mile radius of Hollywood! I'm more excited than when I found out about the Three Stooges Reboot.

Yippie! Who HOOOKLSFHDILJJSDNGeordy has been institutionalized in an otherwise empty Guantanamo. He will continue to comment after we wipe his mind of this occurrence. It's a shame to, what a waste....

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 10:17 AM

Way to go Rowles, the picture and headline got me all worked up. I read through the Gossip Girl tripe and the Tyler Perry abomination, desparate for what I knew was going to be your earth shattering announcement. Then you end with this:

I LOVE ZOLOFT! I LOVE ZOLOFT SO MUCH I JUST ATE AN ENTIRE HANDFUL!!!! OMG!

All of that shite and not one mention of Fox greenlighting a sitcom aptly named Unicorgy.

I hope you're happy Rowles, now baby seals will pay for your transgressions.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 10:18 AM

Well, I was going to take a Vicodin anyway, so I may as well make it a double.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 10:19 AM

I'd like to introduce Tyler Perry to my Browns.
And by "Browns" I mean "toilet pickles."

Posted by: firedmyass at February 6, 2009 10:29 AM

Who's Lily...not Whose. Your meds are affecting your writing D.

OK, now I can get to whooping and screaming. Yeeehaaaw!

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 10:40 AM

Well this doesn't sound like good news at all... You lied to me, I DEMAND A REFUND AND THE PRECIOUS BLOOD LOST DURING YOUR AWE INSPIRING (and apparently) BONER INDUCING PRE-ARTICLE SPEECH.

Posted by: RonnyK at February 6, 2009 10:44 AM

I'm with Dr. House...I prefer Vicodin. Who cares if I'm not in pain....they take me to a pretty place where shit like this DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 6, 2009 10:49 AM

I changed my mind. You are NOT coming over tomorrow, freakshow.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 10:57 AM

The doctors had me on Vicodin for the infection in my back, and it was awesome. I went through 120 in less than two weeks. It was fantastic.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 10:58 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:16 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Snath, you just burned a hole in my stomach lining, and I've been taking Vicodin for years.

Posted by: Nicole at February 6, 2009 11:17 AM

Are you ok Nicole?

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 11:21 AM

Nicole really likes Vicodin. Or Snath. But I'm betting on Vicodin.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 11:24 AM

Uh oh, Nicole is seizing again...are you looking at naked pictures of David Tennant?

Posted by: Julie at February 6, 2009 11:26 AM

I'm actually fine, I made sure to take it with food every time. I think I gained about twenty pounds because I was always high and always eating. Mmmm. Sounds like a vacation to me!

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 11:38 AM

Jesus, Nicole, you made your fucking point. Ease off the amphetamines, darlin'.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 11:42 AM

No, no, no, for news like this, it's Paxil all the way. It makes you spacey, happy, AND violent all at the same time!

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 6, 2009 11:51 AM

Sweetie Dahling... but... I'm already like that.

Posted by: TK at February 6, 2009 11:52 AM

Question, D, have you actually ever WATCHED Gossip Girl?? It's good fun. Seriously. The actors are all decent, and it plays like a serialized version of Cruel Intentions. How can that be bad?

And yeah, I'll watch a show about Lily, too. But then, I watch a LOT of TV. A lot. A disgusting-no-wonder-I'm-not-in-better-shape amount.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at February 6, 2009 12:17 PM

Nicole has been possessed by Godtopus! holy shit! it's a message from the gods! Quick, grab some Vicodin and a mallet! woo!

And Dustin....damnit I hate you so. It's not horrible news, honestly, because I don't give a shit about Gossip Girl but...I hate you. Buildng me up like that. Have you no heart?

Posted by: figgy at February 6, 2009 12:25 PM

Hey, so who won the zombie diversion?

Posted by: figgy at February 6, 2009 12:30 PM

Snath, it is a shirt.

http://www.threadless.com/product/157/Afternoon_Delight

It's sold out ATM, but oooh, there's an art print!

Posted by: Lauren at February 6, 2009 12:59 PM

I'll be back in an hour. I have to get the MurderTank washed, waxed and gassed up.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 6, 2009 1:00 PM

We shall breathlessly await your return.

Posted by: Pookie at February 6, 2009 1:24 PM

I once wore said shirt to a four year old's birthday party. Murderous eyes shot daggers through my chest when the birthday kiddo asked the classic, "What are the horsies doing, mom?" I almost snorted punch through my nose.

For truth.

I'd like to test run the design at a house of worship, but I think it might become a bit singed when I stepped over the threshold. My brand of worship is better suited to dingy dives and the resulting one nighter that imbues me with the holy spirit. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 1:26 PM

I once wore said shirt to a four year old's birthday party. Murderous eyes shot daggers through my chest when the birthday kiddo asked the classic, "What are the horsies doing, mom?" I almost snorted punch through my nose.

For truth.

I'd like to test run the design at a house of worship, but I think it might become a bit singed when I stepped over the threshold. My brand of worship is better suited to dingy dives and the resulting one nighter that imbues me with the holy spirit. Oh God!

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 1:26 PM

Tyler Perry has a show?

Posted by: courtney at February 6, 2009 1:31 PM

I think my wife would let me get away with wearing the shirt occasionally, but I know she wouldn't let me put up an art print anywhere in our apartment. I don't think my boss would appreciate it at my desk, either.

Posted by: Snath at February 6, 2009 2:00 PM

Your boss is a pussy, Snath.

Posted by: Stella at February 6, 2009 2:52 PM

Stop comment whoring by posting the same thing again and again. It makes those of us who are trying to comment more than anyone else fall behind.

Damn you Nicole!

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 3:50 PM

Stop comment whoring by posting the same thing again and again. It makes those of us who are trying to comment more than anyone else fall behind.

Damn you Nicole!

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 3:52 PM

Stop comment whoring by posting the same thing again and again. It makes those of us who are trying to comment more than anyone else fall behind.

Damn you Nicole!

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 3:53 PM

This was cruel. I thought you were going to say Firefly was back T_T

And no, I do not care that sheer hope has rendered me delusional, thanks for asking.

Posted by: TryScience at February 6, 2009 4:33 PM

Called it.

More of the Gossip Kids, huh?
Oh, Brave new world with such meth-heads in it!
Should've read your Shakespeare.

Go to the library.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 6, 2009 6:53 PM

I used both vicodin and percocet after having knee surgery, and I have to say I prefer the percocet (well, that and the nerve block the doctor put on my leg, but that wore off after a day). Yeah, it does funny things to my digestive tract, but percocet really puts me in a nice happy mellow place. Vicodin just takes the edge off.

Posted by: Rowen at February 7, 2009 11:57 AM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:05 PM

Gossip Girl is kind of awesome.
SHUT UP. IT IS.

Posted by: ironypants at February 8, 2009 9:31 PM