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Good News Everybody! All the Television Shows You Hate are Breeding

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (23)

S_S__Broken_TV_by_shudder_stock.jpg

I’m doing my usual little perusal for trade news that might pique your interest and mine, and found an unusual and disturbing pattern. There are a lot of new television shows getting picked up. And all of them are terrible. I figure if I detail them all in this post, that’s like containing the damage, it’s this post tossing its supple and vulnerable self atop the claymore. And so, let’s get to it:

Grey’s Anatomy producer Mark Gordon has yet another show going to pilot (he already has 13 shows on television right now). It’s called “White Man Van” and is described as centering “on a man who is forced to put his dreams on hold in order to take over the family handyman business from his father.” I bet all of Dustin’s worldly possessions that the first full description uses the word “quirky.”

Is it possible for the details to be worse than the headline “Simon Cowell Developing DJ Talent Search Show”? I think his next variation on a talent search show for something to do with music should be a talent search show searching for the world’s best talent search host.

Remember “Firefly”? “Gossip Girl” is airing its hundredth episode next week. Because fuck you, that’s why.

Here’s a sneak peak of Bravo’s new reality show called “Shahs of Sunset” which focuses on a group of rich Persians living in Beverly Hills. Will it attempt to be a nuanced view of what it is like to be Muslim in America today? Will it explore the conflict between Iranian culture and American wealth? I will let the dialogue speak for itself: “I don’t like ants, аnd I don’t like ugly people.”

I realize that I can see that suicide is painless…









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Comments

Well I'm not sick, but I'm not well.

Posted by: Forward Observer at January 26, 2012 10:10 AM

For a moment there I thought Whitney had mated with Last Man Standing to give us the Unfunniest TV Show on TV Today.

Posted by: Fredo at January 26, 2012 10:12 AM

By not making a Rape Van joke you've proven yourself more mature than me

Posted by: Brian at January 26, 2012 10:20 AM

Thank God for the remote control.

Posted by: John W at January 26, 2012 10:25 AM

Remember “Firefly”? “Gossip Girl” is airing its hundredth episode next week. Because fuck you, that’s why.

Jesus Christo, get over Firefly already.

Posted by: ed newman at January 26, 2012 10:25 AM

What you didn't mention is that Shahs of Sunset was actually set up as part of a cross-cultural media exchange programme and that the Kardashian family has already been bagged, hog-tied and dumped in the Middle East. The trouble is, on arrival at their suburban Tehran mansion the air conditioning was found to be broken, and so the whole Ku Kardashian Klan had to set out to the bazaar to buy a giant leaf/peasant combo unit.

Little did they realise, however, that while their finely tuned prosthetic exoskeletons were built to effectively endure the varying climes of the United States, something in the air in Iran simply did not agree with them. Within 5 minutes of setting out for the bazaar their systems went haywire, they collapsed on a street corner and their fleshy husks melted away. As a result all talk of nuclear proliferation is meaningless, as there now lies in the streets of Tehran something far worse than an atomic bomb - the fully exposed, unshielded and unbalanced Kardashian Kore.

If Doctor Colossus hears about this...

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 26, 2012 10:29 AM

While I love Gossip Girl (yeah I know - I'll duck!) that is so shittyarseffingwrong that it surpassed Firefly episode-wise.... ratings suck... and I promise I haven't contributed other than Gossip Girl and Horseface's show!

Posted by: Lulu at January 26, 2012 10:34 AM

Speaking of shows I hate breeding, you left off "Not My Momma's Meals." This is the show where Paula Deen's son Bobby tries to make "healthy" versions of Paula's recipes. I give him credit for trying, but substituting a carton of low fat yoghurt for mayo in a pimento cheese recipe that has cups of grated cheese, and THEN spreading it between two slices of bread and grilling it, is not my idea of a diabetic friendly, low fat meal. In the same installment, he made a "low fat" version of Paula's "Gooey Butter Cake." I'm sorry, but that just looked like solidified vomit.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 26, 2012 10:38 AM

You think you have it bad? In two years give or take these shows will have been shipped across the pond for inexplicable reasons and I will be subjected to them dubbed in German.
Oh the links I will share.

Posted by: cinekat at January 26, 2012 10:45 AM

I know a rich Persian. He lives in Colorado though. But he doesn't like ugly people.

Posted by: Laura at January 26, 2012 10:50 AM

When are Whitney and Two and a Half Men going to bang and rectally extrude a new show?

Posted by: admin at January 26, 2012 10:52 AM

the Kardashian family has already been bagged, hog-tied and dumped in the Middle East

If this were to actually be carried out by SEAL Team Six, it would go a long way toward restoring my faith in our government. Just, you know, if anyone that is monitoring this site as a hotbed of subversion. If you wanted to pass that on to the DoD. Just saying.

Posted by: NateS1973 at January 26, 2012 10:58 AM

Wow. Editing fail. Would the grammatically sensitive please ignore the numerous mistakes in that last post?

Posted by: NateS1973 at January 26, 2012 11:00 AM

To be perfectly fair, nobody likes ugly people.

Posted by: superasente at January 26, 2012 11:10 AM

E! would be forced to cover the Kardashian Hostage Crisis and ... well, helicopters, hostages, desert, Kendra! ... I think you see where I'm going with this.

Posted by: , at January 26, 2012 11:12 AM

Not-quite-hot-enough people do.

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 26, 2012 11:12 AM

Best DJ? What the effing fuck? Isn't all that DJs do nowadays is click through songs on their shitty iTunes lists?

Posted by: figgy at January 26, 2012 11:49 AM

the Kardashian family has already been bagged, hog-tied and dumped in the Middle East

Well...the US *is* hoping to check Iranian nuclear ambitions, and they're none too pleased about the threats of closing the Straits of Hormuz.

So we start with one Kardashian being injected into Iran. With a note saying, "We have more of these and we're not afraid to use them."

Posted by: Wednesday at January 26, 2012 11:52 AM

The Kardashian knowledge, here, is far too extensive.

Posted by: lubeg at January 26, 2012 12:23 PM

Does America have to remake every good British sitcom?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Van_Man_(TV_series)

Posted by: Case Crum at January 26, 2012 1:05 PM

As a Persian I can confirm that we really do hate ants and ugly people...but then again the definition of "ugly" for Persians is anyone who has their original nose.

Posted by: sara at January 26, 2012 2:24 PM

Jesus Tapdancing Christ. They're breeding?

I'll get the flamethrowers.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 26, 2012 7:17 PM

So the guidos of the west coast are the persian-americans?

Posted by: Archies_Leach at January 26, 2012 11:24 PM