7. Martian Child: Who keeps spreading all these rumors that Lloyd Dobler’s alter-ego, John Cusack, is a real-life douchebag? I want stories. I want evidence. Send me the Youtube clips. Email me the interview transcripts. Tell me your personal stories. Until someone gives me proof, I refuse to believe it. You’re all telling tales outside the school yard. Either way, his latest stunk up the joint — America apparently didn’t have much of a thirst for cute schizophrenic preadolescents obsessed with Lucky Charms. I blame Oliver Platt — he’s been box-office poison ever since he showed up Chris O’Donnell in The Three Musketeers. Gross: $3.5 million.
5. 30 Days of Night: 30 Days director, David Slade — after a string of music videos — got his big break with an Amazon short film called Do Geese See God, which I believe featured a character named “Dr. Awkward.” Fun fact: They are both palindromes. Other cool palindromes, “A man, a plan, a canal — Panama!” and, “Men, I’m Eminem.” Sotades the Obscene is credited with inventing literary palindromes in the 3rd Century B.C., and rumor has it that an insulted King Ptolemy II wrapped him in lead, threw him into the sea, and said, “Try reversing that, pal.” I have nothing to say about Slade’s film. Weekend gross: $4 million; total $34 million.
4. Dan in Real Life: I remember Steve Carell’s wife, Nancy Walls, from “The Daily Show,” but I had no idea she was on “SNL,” too. Does anyone remember her from that? Anyway, Steve Carell’s latest grabs a few more million before heading off to the dollar theaters. Audiences have been complaining that the attraction Juliet Binoche’s character has for Dane Cook’s character is unrealistic, and that Binoche would never date a douchebag like Cook. So, for the bargain-theater run, he’s been photoshopped out and replaced with Curtis Armstrong — audience scores have jumped a full letter grade. Weekend gross, $8 million; total: $23 million.
3. Saw IV: Saw IV’s director, Darren Lynn Bousman, is currently filming his follow up, Repo! The Genetic Opera, which is about repossessing transplanted organs. It’s a musical. And it stars Paris Hilton. It’s like Bousman is actually trying to make a movie no one will see — all it needs is Oliver Platt to seal its box-office failure (no one shows up D’artagnan, damnit). Check out the trailer — this may very well be the first film in the torture-by-music genre. Weekend Gross: $11 million; total: $51 million.
2. Bee Movie: Now that Bee Movie has mercifully arrived in theaters, the long promotional nightmare is finally over. I swear Jerry Seinfeld has been on television more in this last month than he was when during his entire show’s run. “Seinfeld” can stand up to a multitude of repeat viewings, but those goddamn TV Junior ads he’s been running are a lot like bourbon chicken at mall food courts: Great first bite, but after that, all you can taste is gastrointestinal illness. Damn those Sirens with their free samples on toothpicks. Damn you Easy Wok. Why can’t I quit you?! Gross $39 million.
1. American Gangster: Maybe I’m speaking out of turn here, but last week — on NPR, I believe — I heard a commentator say that American Gangster would dominate the weekend box-office because “urban audiences” would turn out in droves. I have two bones to pick with that statement: 1) if by “urban audiences” you mean black people, why don’t you just say black people? And 2) was this commentator actually suggesting that Denzel Washington would attract “urban audiences”? Denzel Washington isn’t an “urban” movie star — he’s a fucking “movie” movie star. There’s nary a man, woman, or child alive that doesn’t like Denzell Washington. And if you don’t like Denzel, it’s not because you’re white (or, nonurban), it’s because you’re not very bright. Gross: $46 million.
Box-Office Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | November 5, 2007 | Comments ()