The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | August 7, 2007 | Comments (70)
Can you believe this bullshit? I’ve been so busy tirelessly tracking the careers of Jim Carrey, Ron Howard, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, and the rest of the pudfucks that regularly show up in the trade news, along with the latest in remakes and video-game adaptations, that I somehow let a film that actually warrants discussion slip past me. And who merits our attention more than the greatest B-actor in the history of film: Bruce Campbell. He’s got a movie coming out in October, and I just didn’t know … I didn’t know! I feel like a so-called Star Wars geek who didn’t realize that Phantom Menace was opening until he walked up to the box-office window to purchase tickets to The Love Letter and saw that Episode I was playing at the same time (” … oh god, oh god. Which one do I go to? Tom Selleck vs. Jar Jar Binks. Kate Capshaw vs. a Green-Screen Ewan McGregor. Oh God. Please, Baby Jesus. Give me the strength to choose the right one … *two hours later* … damnit! Should’ve gone with the Ellen DeGeneres’ flick”). Anyway, coming this October, Bruce Campbell will direct and star in My Name is Bruce, a (Charlie) Kaufmanesque meta-flick written by Mark Verheiden (“Battlestar Gallactica”) in which Bruce Campbell, playing himself, is mistaken for his character Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy and abducted from his fictional trailer-park home and forced to fight against a Chinese war deity.
You could try to think up a better premise than that, but you’d fail. Every goddamn time. And please God let it be good — do you know how many Tyler Perry movies that’ll get me through if it is? Hell, if My Name is Bruce is decent, I’ll even subject myself to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Twice. As Bret Michaels says (and I’m paraphrasing here): “I sold my soul to the devil, but man, it was some hot lovin’.” Please, Mr. Campbell, bring me some hot lovin’ (cinematically speaking).
Not to be outdone by that fantastic premise, however, Ridley Scott — Alec Daniel to Tony’s Stephen — has put forward the best premise for a flick this site, in its three years of existence, has ever reported on. That’s right — Ridley, 3-time Oscar nominated director of such classic films as G.I.Jane, White Squall and 1492 (though he may have a decent flick or two in his filmography somewhere) has decided he wants to put together a film based upon the board game Monopoly. And no: I’m not making this shit up. He told the L.A. Times, people. To wit:
Monopoly is still the most popular board game — I might be misquoting! — in the world. So it’s really finding the universe for that game. Because clearly it ought to be humorous and for the family — the funny way it brings out, particularly when your uncle suddenly gets Park Lane and — in England, we have Park Lane, Mayfair and Barclay Square, what’s it in America? Park and Madison? So you watch people change. You’re witness to Jekyll and Hyde. Somewhere in that is a hysterically amusing and I think rather exciting film.
You’re so very right, Mr. Scott. If only we could get Todd Solondz to direct it, Vincent Gallo to star in it, Chloe Sevigny to play the Wheelbarrow, and feature the late Patrick “You’re My Boy Blue” Cranshaw as Rich Uncle Pennybags, that would be “hysterically amusing.” Like, so hysterically amusing, the Geneva Convention outlawed it. Otherwise, I’m gonna need a few sequels to My Name is Bruce before I can stomach sitting through a Ridley-Scott directed version of Monopoly, which I suspect will star Nicholas Cage and look an awful lot like National Treasure. (And how many of you nearly had to leave the theater rather than sit through the trailer for National Treasure 2 ahead of Bourne Ultimatum? I wouldn’t dare re-inflict it upon you here in the trailer watch.)
Of course, if Monopoly is not your thing, there’s always the Magic 8-Ball. That’s right. On the heels of the successful Transformers movie, Hollywood couldn’t simply leave bad enough alone. No sir. I’m just going to try the rip the Band-Aid off the still gore-oozing, air-sucking wound approach here and tell you that, in addition to a movie based on the Magic-8 Ball, these ideas are currently in development: A Hot Wheels movie, a Bratz sequel, an Uno TV show, a movie based on G.I. Joe, and either movies or TV shows based upon Candyland, the Ouija Board, and Trivial Pursuit. Well, we know what’s replacing torture porn, don’t we? The raping of childhood memories porn. I can’t wait to see what Eli Roth does with Chutes and Ladders.
On DVD this week, we give you: Are We Done Yet?, Disturbia, I Think I Love My Wife, and TMNT. I understand, too, that a director’s cut of Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark will soon be available for purchase. Save your Doubloons.
Finally, in the trailer watch, here is another one attached to Bourne Ultimatum, only I’m going to give you the international trailer, which is completely the same, except that this trailer offers a very brief glimpse of Angelina Jolie’s ta-tas to distract you from how shitty the animation looks and how unbelievably awful Beowulf will no doubt be. Get excited.
Comments
Posted by: Claire at August 7, 2007 9:09 AM
As the very first moments of the National Treasure 2 trailer flashed across the screen, my friend groaned and muttered "Oh my God, it's a sequel to National Treasure, isn't it?" We all watched in silent horror. Every time another reasonably good actor appeared on screen, I winced with pity.
Thanks for reminding me of that, Dustin. I thought the sheer mind-blowing awesome of the Bourne Ultimatum might permanently blot out bad trailer memories.
Also, was I the only one who thought, upon seeing the Beowulf trailer, that I'd rather not watch a movie with animation worse than most recent video games? If I want to watch that shit, I'll spend the evening watching my boyfriend play Zelda.