Pajiba

This movie is going to be AWFUL.

I can honestly say, none of these are what I think of when I think of GI Joe.

Who gives the green light to this stuff? Seriously, when they create a movie like this are they only looking at the film or the whole picture of marketing, DVD sales and toys? Might be a dumb question but damn if it does not look like a dumb movie. Since I have two boys in the target demographic, I am going to be stuck seeing this one.

From the posters, it seems they are targeting a certain audience. An audience that likes body armor. Which makes sense, you know, because who doesn't like body armor.

But the inherent irony is that they are trying to appeal to a crowd that would be impressed by body armor, and that crowd is most likely to be made up of people that need body armor to, like, oh I don't know, go to work. And yet, they get to work, and do they have amazing body armor that can withstand nuclear fallout AND hide cellulite at the same time (which is what that fourth poster seems to be telling me)??? No. What kind of promises are we making here, HMMM???

I have an idea. Don't spend millions of dollars on a pile of shit ripped from the gang-raped nostalgia of crap 80s cartoons and spend that money on MAKING ACTUAL BODY ARMOR--THAT ACTUALLY WORKS--FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT MIGHT FUCKING NEED IT. Really.

Also, JGV is playing Cobra Commander. Let me just repeat that one more time: Tommy Solomon is playing Cobra fucking Commander. Try and wrap your brain around that shit.

And apparently the......"baroness"...comes equipped with a cordless drill now.

I am not going to fly into another rant about how there's a lot of examples on flickr of con costumes that shamed this movie before the tailors even took sienna miller's measurements. No, like I said, I'm not going to expend the energy. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

(That one Canadian woman's apparently taken hers down though. That's a shame, and she should not evacuate now in her hour of triumph)

When I was a wee girl, I wanted to be Scarlett. Does anyone know anything about the actress playing her? Should I prepare myself for an atrocity on the level of Halle-Berry-as-Storm (another childhood hero of mine I saw destroyed on the big screen)?

atrocity on the level of Halle-Berry-as-Storm

Sheeeeeiit. This movie is Halle-Berry-as-Catwoman.

Wait a sec....is that first one supposed to be Storm Shadow? Storm Shadow's uniform was white!

Sons of bitches!

I didn't even know there were chick Joes.

Sure, there are lots of them. You can usually find them hanging out on corners in the less savory parts of town. Just look for the bulge.

I think it's just in shadow there, admin. There's a still here

http://flickr.com/search/?q=baroness

(said cosplay favorite is the woman in Toronto. There's still pictures, just not attached on her own page anymore [might even be someone here]. Still, if I've got a polite, silent crush on that and other wonderfully crafted costumes there's probably plenty of charming messages and comments from others)

Faye Dunaway sure seems to think so, boo.

http://dlisted.com/node/30419

But if I'm being honest, it's not even the costumes and casting sapping enthusiasm. I was a much bigger fan of later wave characters. Flint, Lady Jaye, Firefly, Tunnel Rat... Plus the figures were better made. That original Snake Eyes was a skinny, boneless piece of shit.

Remember that episode where the one nameless grunt (not Grunt) has a nervous breakdown over neither side ever winning? It was a freaky meta moment I tell you.

A Sommers movie... well that means it's either going to be (likely unintentional) genius or complete shit.

I kind of like the cast, though. No idea how well they fit the characters, but it's definitely a collection of people I like to see on the big screen, many of whom I don't see enough.

Eh, am I the only one who thinks the dark hair makes Sienna Miller look like a low-rent Xena?

They lost me at Marlon Wayans=Badass.

I mean, how can he be badass if he's not wearing a dress!

Hey, Dustin? Do you think you could try being more gay when you wr-

I don't see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in any of them, although he may be one of the dudes with a mask on, which is kind of a waste of Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Oh, OK. We're all good here.

Damn it.

I, for one, can't wait to see this.

Yes, it's going to be terrible. Yes, it will, most likely, suck. Suck badly.

But I don't care, I'm going to walk out of that movie theater twelve years old screaming 'Yo, Joe!' at the top of my lungs. I will kick serious romcom-watching-asses, get into my car, run over tons of innocent bystanders, then proceed to get utterly drunk.

Now if only they made Masters of the Universe {sigh}.

I just hope you're not referring to Ms. Miller since, if I can paraphrase Martin Sheen, I don't see any ass....at all.

I turned the brightness way up too, I still wasn't impressed. These fools will one day realize they should've cast Fran Drescher, who looks the part. And imagine her with Eccleston! I mean, fuck it, if the movie's gonna be ridiculous then go for it!