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G.I. Joe Director Takes on Tarzan
That’s About Right / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 3, 2008 | Comments (12)

gi-joe-movie-2009.jpgGreat news, folks! Now that your favorite director and mine, Guillermo Del Toro, has run off to direct a movie about little men with hairy feet, the poor guy has no time to direct the live-action Tarzan movie he was attached to. Boo, right?! Who doesn’t want to see a live-action Tarzan directed by … Del Toro? That has what the fuck written all over it, though I’d have been intensely curious to see how Del Toro worked in tons of clocks into the jungle.

Anyway, all is right in the world — or at least appropriate — because Stephen Sommers, who directed The Mummy and Van Helsing, has been properly attached. Shitty projects deserve shitty directors. Stephen Sommers, I’m guessing, will get around to Tarzan after he’s complete post-production on G.I. Joe. And I don’t care if Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in it or not, it’s gonna suck. The existence of Channing Tatum in it is all you need to know. And since it’s called The Rise of Cobra, it suggests, already, that there will be a sequel, so that we might see Cobra decline. Something to look forward to.


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Comments

And I don't care if Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in it or not, it's gonna suck.

Of COURSE it's going to suck. I still have to see it though, can't you understand?? Joseph Gordon-Levitt!! And he'll probably wear a stern expression! I HAVE to!!

The silver lining is that, knowing it's going to full on buh-low, I won't mind seeing it in the middle of the day with all the childrens. So Joseph Gordon-Levitt looking very severe at matinee prices?? It'll be like Godtopusmas morning!

Posted by: Mella at September 3, 2008 11:52 AM

I'm happy that del Toro is off this Tarzan project, not only because, well, it's Tarzan, but because it means that he might get to move on the project I would give my left ovary to see:

At the Mountains of Madness.

As interpreted by Guillermo del Toro.

I'd pay five hundred bucks just to look at the storyboards for that.

Posted by: Jerce at September 3, 2008 11:58 AM

Christ Alive! We do not speak of Van Helsing! To quote Jason Segel ('s puppet musical) AND I SWEAR TO THE LORD IF I SEE VAN HELSING I WILL SLAY HIM HA HA HAHA
(And I giggled at the clock comment)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 3, 2008 12:30 PM

I've bitched about this to no end already...

But I'm bored, so here goes:

• They DO NOT all wear the same friggin' uniform. That was what was cool about the goddam toys. They all had unique outfits/accessories. The rubberized armor whatchamafrick belongs to Batman. Period. What'd these douches do - pay interns on The Dark Night to steal throwaway duds?

• Destro. Anyone remember Destro? The tall, intimidating guy with the metal mask? Anyone here seen the "new" Destro? Yeah, he's the lame-ass bad guy from Gone In 60 Seconds. No mask. THIS IS BULLSHIT!

• Marlon Wayans sucks ass. He's playing the part of a red-haired white paratrooper. Huh?

• Did anyone notice that the who... ahh, screw it. This movie is going to suck on so many levels, that there's going to have to be a new level of suck invented to sufficiently express the suck that'll suck out of this suckfest of suck.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 12:56 PM

Of COURSE it's going to suck. I still have to see it though, can't you understand?? Joseph Gordon-Levitt!! And he'll probably wear a stern expression! I HAVE to!!

Mella - word. I was going to get into explaining all about this weird dream I had the other night involving JGL teaching me how to shoot a rifle and wondering if it was a sign or just my subconscious remembering old casting news, but then I might appear crazy. *ahem*

And as for this:

The existence of Channing Tatum in it is all you need to know.

I'm sorry, what? He's gorgeous. And I don't know if he can act, but to be fair, I don't give a flying rat's ass if he can act. He's absolutely ride-tacular, and there'll more than likely be thinly contrived scenes of partial nudity. How is that not a plus side? This isn't Shakespeare, it's a bang-bang-explosion-guns movie about fucking children's toys! We're not going for the directorial brilliance or the complex issues, we're going to see pretty people blow things right the hell up, and they don't come much prettier than Tatum.

Posted by: Shay at September 3, 2008 1:34 PM

Destro. Anyone remember Destro? The tall, intimidating guy with the metal mask? Anyone here seen the "new" Destro? Yeah, he's the lame-ass bad guy from Gone In 60 Seconds. No mask. THIS IS BULLSHIT!

But he was also Doctor Who! And that pissed-off invisible guy who snapped on Peter from Heroes! Surely that has to count for something!

Plus, isn't Destro supposed ot be Scottish or something? Although if they would just put the damn mask in the movie, it really would not matter.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 3, 2008 2:42 PM

Destro...has no mask? But....no mask? WTF?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 2:50 PM

More like "A Real American ZERO!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Oh no I di'unt! Giiiiirl! Aww hell naw! HAW!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 4:11 PM

So, my most vivid childhood memory involving a GI Joe was when my brother's GI Joes would "capture" my Barbies and return them sans heads... just sad, genital-free, headless, plastic bodies. Do you think they'll work this into the movie? If so, I must know who will play Barbie.

Posted by: Allison at September 3, 2008 5:50 PM

there'll more than likely be thinly contrived scenes of partial nudity

Annnnnnndd sold.

Also, word to Shay's word to Mella re: JGL. He can look sternly at me any day of the week. Long as he's nekkid.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 6:05 PM

COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 4, 2008 8:23 AM

Yes, apparently Destro is now an extra from "The Long Halloween". I suppose Cobra Commander isn't going to have a mask either. Maybe they can do Zartan wrong too.

Tell you ladies what: take those two guys and just make your own exploitation movie. True, by this point it's all so far removed from G.I. Joe as to be almost negligible, it's Navy SEALs II really, but it's still an affront.

Posted by: Jay at September 4, 2008 8:46 AM