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Get Ready For 3D Sweaty Man-On-Man Action: Top Gun To Get A 3D Conversion

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (14)

iceman-maverick-i-am-dangerous-lrg.jpg

I fucking love Top Gun. Looking back at it now, it’s one of the most ridiculous movies to come out of the 80’s, a hot sweaty mess of a movie fraught with overacting and cringe-worthy dialogue. It’s terrible, but goddamn is it entertaining. It’s a legendary film, filled with goofy, quotable dialogue and some pretty sweet airborne action scenes.

And of course, because it’s The Next Big Thing, it’s getting re-released in 3D. I don’t know why. Honestly, if you told me that Top Gun was getting re-released in its original format with beefed up sound and a cleaned up picture, I’d throw on a flight jacket and be all over that bitch. But 3D? Why? Haven’t we learned that post-production 3D is fucking terrible? Every time it’s been attempted, it’s been a massive failure (for what it’s worth, it’s happening with Titanic as well).

On the other hand, this will be the closest we’re likely to come to actual 3D porn, since it’s commonly known that Top Gun is, well, kinda gay. OK, really gay. I don’t say that as a knock, either. It’s part of what makes the movie so awesome. In fact, in my glowing retrospective review of it three years ago, I said this:

Top Gun is the gayest film I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from a guy who once rented bisexual porn by accident (feel free to jump on the easy joke there). I don’t care what people say, I don’t care if you think it’s deliberate or not, but it’s undeniably there. It’s a penetration scene away from requiring a photo ID to rent it. It’s so gay that Nathan Lane watches it and blushes. What was supposedly supposed to appear as competitive tension between Iceman and Maverick instead becomes a taut, heated contest of eyefuckery and pursed-lipped looks of desire.

I stand by that. Now, picture this… in 3D!

It’s gonna be glorious.









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Comments

Man, Tom Cruise's apple box just doesn't get enough credit for all the hard work it did in that film.

Posted by: Salieri2 at September 13, 2011 10:35 AM

"You don't have time to think up there... if you think, you're dead."
Wait a minute- they were actually talking about the executive floors in Hollywood,!Top Gun 3D - Get your Goose.

Posted by: cinekat at September 13, 2011 10:46 AM

Does anyone even own a 3D tv? From everything I've seen, they look to be even worse that the in a theater. I don't want to have to sit in the perfect position for optimal 3D viewing all of the time. Never mind that anytime I put on those fucking glasses Corey Hart's ode to 3D television runs through my brain.

Posted by: admin at September 13, 2011 10:51 AM

Holy shit, I clicked the link just to post about the volleyball scene.

I'm conflicted. I'm not into 3D. And I'm with you; shit, man, just release it cleaned up in 2D. Hell, don't even clean it up, I'll still be there. But, if the 3D gimmick is what it takes to get this back into the theaters, I'm all for it.

Side note: why don't they clean up movies and re-release them? I mean, why do something like remake one of these films when you can just clean it up for a fraction of the price (OK, maybe more than "a fraction of the price" implies) and release it that way. You could do a new one each month and you're practically guaranteed to rake it in. Or, don't even fucking clean it up. Anyway, I guess a 3D conversion is essentially the same thing, though I'm sure it'll be more expensive than simply cleaning it up.

Posted by: pissant at September 13, 2011 11:03 AM

I'd like to initiate the speculation on which scenes will jump out at you:

a. Val Kilmer biting his teeth together at Maverick as a droll riposte.

b. Sweaty volleyball flexing action.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 13, 2011 11:06 AM

TK, you can be my wingman any time.

Posted by: SLW at September 13, 2011 11:10 AM

Bullshit, Steven. You can be mine.

Posted by: TK at September 13, 2011 11:11 AM

Alright! Time for the group shower!

Posted by: SLW at September 13, 2011 11:26 AM

My brother got himself a massive 3D HDTV (right around the time his car got repossessed... not so good with money, that one) and he says 3D stuff actually look better on the TV than it does in the theater because your eyes can take in the whole screen at once. You don't have to look in different directions or turn your head or anything.

That may very well be true, but I'm still not going to get one.

Posted by: Todd at September 13, 2011 11:28 AM

I just noticed something I haven't in all these years. Why are all their wrists taped? Are they getting ready for the pro volleyball tour or something? I mean really, who tapes up for a pick-up game of volleyball?

Posted by: phase10 at September 13, 2011 12:01 PM

Damn TK you got all the shit work today. Lose the coin toss?

Posted by: logan at September 13, 2011 12:18 PM

*dropping the soap*

tee-hee

Posted by: Drake at September 13, 2011 12:32 PM

what are they gonna convert? the flying scenes on loop? way to bring out the flaws with 3-D execs.

i thought Top Gun was the shit too when i watched it the first time but the dogfights were ridiculous on a third viewing in 2011.

Posted by: haplo at September 13, 2011 1:58 PM

What makes Top Gun so gay is how hard they try to NOT be gay whilst being sassy, arrogant macho beefcake strutting around either shirtless and playing volleyball or straddling motorcycles in tight leather jackets and jeans. It's so true: all you'd need to do is redub the soundtrack to include Village People songs and "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls, and this would be a shoo-in for Gay Pride Movie of the Century. Especially since Kelly McGillis recently came out as a lesbian. All set! : )

Posted by: Brian Kehinde at September 13, 2011 9:30 PM