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Get Bent, Pajiba Man

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 9, 2007 | Comments (26)


Here’s some fantastic news: Maggie Gyllenhaal (talented actress, loving mother, savior of mankind) has been signed to replace Katie Holmes as Assistant District Attorney Rachel Dawes in the next Batman installment, The Dark Knight. Man, that’s cool. And I’d give anything for her to reprise her signature line from Stranger than Fiction for this: “Get bent, Batman.” Word is that Katie Holmes couldn’t return for the sequel because of “scheduling conflicts,” which we all know is complete bullshit. She’s got one movie in the works over the next two years. One movie, which undoubtedly shouldn’t take priority over a film of The Dark Knight’s pedigree. I’d long been skeptical of the whole idea cooked up by the tabloids that Tom Cruise was a jealousy-driven control freak, but this move — on top of reports that Cruise altered his schedule to ensure he’d be on the set of Holmes’ current project every single day has me convinced otherwise. That, as well as news that Cruise picked her current project, a female heist film (Mad Money) because there were no love scenes involved. But seriously, that’s not important here. Really. We’re a review site; we don’t peddle in cheap gossip (holy shit, Tom Cruise is a freakin’ lunatic with severe self-esteem issues and a Thetan chokehold on that poor girl. Run for your life, Katie. Take Suri and run. Look away from the Wall of Fire).

*Throat Clear*

Elsewhere, one of the better guys in Hollywood, John August, has been hired to write the script for the upcoming Captain Marvel film, Shazam. I have to own up to complete ignorance of this particular comic-book hero, though from what I understand, it’s about a 13-year-old kid named Billy Batson who utters the name Shazam (who is a wizard Shaman — does he come in a genie’s lamp?) and is struck by lightning, which transforms him into Captain Marvel, a super-studly hero of some sort. I’m not sure what his magical powers are, but judging from a cursory glance on Google images, it looks like he could kill a man with his jock cup, which you just don’t see enough these days. John August describes Captain Marvel as such: “It’s like Big, but with superpowers.” Peter Segal (who directed a trilogy of Adam Sandler flicks) is attached to direct, and he’s kind of worthless, but I’m willing to give any August project the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, Mr. August has a lot more about the film over on his blog, if you’re interested.

Moving on to the box-office round-up, there was further proof of the decline of Western Civilization over the weekend, as Wild Hogs not only debuted at number one, but made a ridiculous $40 million. Personally, I still can’t get over walking past a middle-aged man last weekend standing in front of a Wild Hogs movie poster, who offered this nugget, “I never thought I’d see those guys in a movie together. That’s a movie I’ve got to see.” Clearly, the gentleman mistook John Travolta, Tim Allen, and Martin Lawrence for actors with actual talent, or else the movie poster emitted harmful radioactive waves that scrambled his brain temporarily. The weekend’s one good offering, Zodiac, fell below studio expectations, taking in a decent $13 million, though I suspect positive word of mouth will keep it in the top five for a few weeks at least. Finally, I clearly overestimated the nation’s thirst for Ricci porn over the weekend, as the other new entry, Black Snake Moan barely made a dent in the top 10, mustering up around $4 million. If the Supreme Being has any mercy at all, it’ll be the last we see of Craig Brewer for a while. Props, also, to the commenter who informed us that Brewer was actually a Californian transplant to the South, which helps to explain a lot about his view of the motherland.

It’s a light slate this weekend, the last for a while. It looks like 300 will dominate the box office and we should have our review up in a few hours. I’m going to leave all the commentary to Dan. Also on tap, Abigail Breslin follows up her award-winning role in Santa Clause 3: The Escape Claus Little Miss Sunshine with The Ultimate Gift, which appears to share some similarities plot-wise with the underappreciated Saturday afternoon TBS diversion, Brewster’s Millions (and who didn’t wish they’d get the opportunity to spend $30 million in a month, in exchange for a $300 million inheritance?). Finally, we’ll be offering up a review of the Korean horror flick, The Host later today. Also, stick around next week: We’ve got another live review of what looks like to be the mother lode of straight-to-DVD sequels, Seth’s installment of Pajiba’s Guide to What’s Good for You, as well as reviews for two midseason shows, “Andy Barker: P.I.” and “Raines.”

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.









Maxed Out | Ultimate Gift, The


Comments

Message to Daniel, then:

You must work the word "bombast" into your 300 review, somehow--it has shown up in over nine other positive and negative reviews out of the dozen I've read so far.

Posted by: ranylt at March 9, 2007 11:37 AM

For a frame of reference, Captain Marvel would be comparable in strength to Superman. He nearly defeated the All-American Boy Scout with the help of SHAZAM's magical lightning (DC Kingdom Come series). He is still teh gay, however as we all know that anybody from the Marvel Universe could kick his 13 year old ass!!

Posted by: ScarletKnight at March 9, 2007 12:14 PM

My first thought upon reading about Shazam...."Wait, they're remaking that movie where Shaq plays a genie?"

Posted by: Matt B at March 9, 2007 12:16 PM

Was there a Shazam tv show in the 70s or 80s, or am I on crack again? I seem to recall watching this as a kid, waiting breathlessly for the big morph moment.

Posted by: ranylt at March 9, 2007 12:20 PM

Sigh, nevermind. YouTube before you post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Vi8o4hxOc

Posted by: ranylt at March 9, 2007 12:23 PM

Thank God for Maggie G! Even before the whole "I'll be Tom Cruise's highly-visible girlfriend to distract people from the smell of stale jizz on his breath" media circus, Katie Holmes was a talentless, vapid twat. Now if she and Tom could just crawl in a hole and die, the world would be a better place. K-Hole (see how I did that!) was the single worst -- OK, the only bad -- thing about Batman Begins, and I was afraid the douche would show up in the sequels. Now that she's been replaced with an *adult* who can actually ACT, I'll be able to sleep easier.

Russell

Seriously though, a DA who looks like she's only halfway through puberty... in a city full of real adults... don't they at least check for the beginnings of pubic hair or something?

Posted by: Russell at March 9, 2007 12:30 PM

Oh Maggie, how I love thee.

Posted by: bmm at March 9, 2007 12:46 PM

Hey, I remember the old Shazam! tv show from the 70s. It ran back-to-back with Isis, about a nerdy young woman (complete with librarian glasses), who transformed into a superhero who got her powers from the Egyptian goddess by chanting "Almighty Isis!" I think. I vividly remember seeing an episode where the young woman and her boyfriend were having a picnic, and the douchebag actually said, by way of a compliment, "Man, if only I could find a woman who looks like Isis and cooks like you!" That right there turned me into a feminist for life.... But I digress.

I've got to say that while I agree that Katie needs to take the baby and run far away from Tom Cruise, I'm thrilled she's being replaced by MG. She was absolutely AWFUL in Batman Begins, and, as Russell pointed out, did not look for a moment as if she could possibly have finished law school and already be employed as a DA. And I think MG and Christian Bale should be awesome together.

Posted by: Edith at March 9, 2007 12:50 PM

I believe Shazam has something to do with all the superpowers he gets (Each of the letters stands for a super power or god. S for wisdom of Soloman, Z for Zeus, etc.)

I also believe that the creators were sued by DC comics because Capt. Marvel was supposed to be a Superman rip off.

Yeah, I'm an old comics geek.

And, no, I'm not planning on seeing this pile of drek.

Posted by: Uncle JR at March 9, 2007 12:55 PM

Ok, That first paragraph was awesome.
Also, I am so happy to see that they are replacing Katie Holmes for Maggie Gyllenhaal. Holmes was the only thing I really didn't like about Batman Returns.

Posted by: Lizzy at March 9, 2007 1:07 PM

Oh ranylt - thanks for that YouTube link - that made me VERY happy. And I too remember Isis. Whee! (Okay, trip down memory lane complete.)

Posted by: fenchurch at March 9, 2007 1:27 PM

"Even before the whole "I'll be Tom Cruise's highly-visible girlfriend to distract people from the smell of stale jizz on his breath" media circus, Katie Holmes was a talentless, vapid twat."

Oh, my God. This is the funniest, meanest thing I've read in a while. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!!

Posted by: Samantha T at March 9, 2007 1:37 PM

Oh, it's just as cheesy as I remember. The Isis intro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnSU2AalfKg&mode=related&search=

And a clip from an episode, which appears to have inflluenced the producers of "The Covenant." Apparently, Isis had limitless powers and was overly fond of rhyming couplets...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtTnCrQ_1lc&mode=related&search=

Posted by: Edith at March 9, 2007 1:42 PM

Man if they think Shazam! was a Superman rip-off god only knows what they think of Marvel's Sentry.

The Superman/Shazam! crossover "First Thunder," is great, btw. Middleton is the best artist ever and the dialogue is nice and snarky.

Posted by: twig at March 9, 2007 1:50 PM

Not to jump on the TomKat bandwagon (like it hasn't been milked to death already) but I truly don't understand why everyone is so "Poor Katie." Granted, Tom is influencing her with the Scientology crap, but she's not some lovesick teenager; she's 28 years old. Katie's a grown woman, and she just nabbed one of the most desired bachelors (well, not as of late) in Hollywood. "Free Katie" my ass.

I'm thrilled that Maggie Gyllenhaal is replacing Katie in the next Batman flick, but I wonder if she and Christian Bale will have any romantic chemistry. But they're both excellent actors, so that will make a difference. It'll be nice to see someone tougher in this role.

Posted by: Brie at March 9, 2007 2:03 PM

OMG Isis!!!! Blast from the past, Edith. I say, that is material ripe for an update/big-treatment/overall improvement, isn't it?

Who would win in a cage-match or viral mash-up, Isis or Wonderwoman?

Posted by: ranylt at March 9, 2007 2:20 PM

you're reviewing the host? how awesome! my love for pajiba is now completely cemented.

Posted by: amanda at March 9, 2007 2:44 PM

Any chance we Maggie will reprise her role in Secretary in the new Batman film?

Posted by: Brian at March 9, 2007 3:10 PM

"Free Katie" my ass.
Preach it, Brie. People act as though she was barely legal when she hooked up with the guy. She's considerably younger than he, but it's not the first May-December romance between a younger woman and older man.

And, on a separate note, it's rather rich to hear people at work, Christians in particular, go on about how crazy Scientologists are. Really? Really? It's kinda like Charles Manson describing Ted Bundy as a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.

I have absolutely no Hollywood connections, but I called bullshit on Katie "not being available" for TDK because I don't think she was asked to return. I have no proof of this, of course. But it's my theory and I'm sticking to it. As Russell so brillantly stated, she was the weakest link in BB. She wasn't awful, but she was unconvincing as a DA, came off like a self-righteous prick with her "It's not who you are, but what you do that defines you" character bullshit when she was supposed to be, uh, inspiring for Bruce, and Katie and Christian had, if possible, negative chemistry. That said, I don't know if Maggie and Christian will have any, either, but I'm considerably more hopeful that I won't be rolling my eyes and wondering what idiot cast her during any of her scenes.

Posted by: Daphne at March 9, 2007 7:56 PM

Actually, the Captain Marvel/Superman issue was how DC got ownership of CM in the first place. They sued the original publishers, Fawcett Comics, and ended up getting nearly their entire library of characters.

Captain Marvel in turn influenced Miracleman (Marvelman overseas), which led to some of the best superhero writing I have ever read from both Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore. Too bad that asshat McFarlane had to screw stuff up.

Uncle JR, you aren't that old or geeky. You have nothing to fear. Me, however.....

Posted by: Vermillion at March 9, 2007 8:00 PM

I don't exactly think sexy when I see Maggie, but, what the hell, ANYTHING is better than Katie "the whole side of my face is dead and my husband loves the cock" Holmes.

You could literally replace her in Batman Begins with Bale talking to a sock puppet and, guess what? No difference, in fact you'd have a better film.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 9, 2007 8:46 PM

this is a happy day indeed. i love MG and now it looks as though i won't have to boycott the new batman movie.
i swear to god, i was going to shit a brick if i ever had to see her do that stupid "tongue through the teeth" thing when she smiles.

Posted by: cris at March 10, 2007 12:00 AM

I'm sure there's no smoke without fire in the Katie Cruise scenario. Although I'll 4ever heart Tom.

Dustin plz give us a review of Premonition. Looks good but I'm waiting on u guys.

Posted by: Jean at March 11, 2007 7:49 AM

Maggie G replacing Katie Holmes?? Best news I've heard all day. I don't think she's "gorgeous" but she's unusual and intriguing. Plus, girl can act...something Holmes seems to be unable to remember to do (if she ever knew how--Remember some of those Dawson's Creek episodes!).

Posted by: bonnie at March 11, 2007 11:04 AM

*Celebrates* Thank God. I hate Holmes; I become nauseated every time I see her in BB. Which sucks, because otherwise it was a great film.

I don't know what kind of chemistry Mags and Bale will have, and to be honest I don't really care. I'm not a big fan of the romance feature in movies. Anything is better than Holmes awful, smarmy, "holier than thou" performance, though, and as long as I'm not having flashbacks to the atrocity that was Titanic, they'll probably be able to make it tolerable.

*blinks* Captain Marvel, huh? That should be... interesting. I was confused about the plot mention, until I realised DC and Marvel both have Captain Marvels.

And serious, I'm with you guys on the no-more-Holmes-pity. People make their own damn choices. If she wants to dedicate herself to the words of bad Science-fiction writer and live in homo-denial with Mr. Rodentia, I could honestly care less. Maybe, if they work extra hard together, they can keep each other from appearing in any other movies ever and spare us, the audience, a lot of pain and vitriolic rancor.

Posted by: shintacrazycat at March 11, 2007 6:36 PM

I could not be happier with Maggie Gyllenhaal taking over. Too bad Katie Holmes didn't turn on a TV to see her hubby was insane. If a kid called Suri of all things is the price I have to pay for Maggie G to show up more often, I'm okay with that.

Posted by: Graceful Dave at March 13, 2007 2:51 AM



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