web counter
 

And You Thought Jar-Jar Binks Was the Worst That Could Happen

By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (41)

Thumbnail image for george-lucas.jpg

Swollen with disappointment that someone else beat him to the punch by making a completely empty faceless movie that was prettier to look at than a twenty-sided lightsaber battle, with an even WORSE soap-opera storyframe, George Lucas is throwing his girth into the ring. And he realized there’s only one way to trump Abbadah: a musical.

Why not combine the efforts of the two least deserving best picture candidates? Take CGI and the gloriously verdant visuals of Pandora, and then set Nine there. Because if your first thought was “Ooh! Glee!” I remind you this is George Lucas, whose entire musical experience consists of John Williams crafting a soundtrack out of one theme song. That, my friends is Nine, which composes lyrics to the Olive Garden theme out of five words: Italian, Guido, Love, Guido, and Mama.

But, does it get better? Better than aliens in your Nazi treasure hunter epic? You best believe it. The CGI musical is going to be about … fairies. And after fruiting up the darkest villain in hyperspace and turning him into a whiny robot tinkerer, why wouldn’t Lucas wanna make something about singing fairies in CGI?

Fortunately, Lucas realized his own folly and is going with someone else to write and to direct. The director is Kevin Munroe, the delicate genius behind TMNT, a movie so wretched, they wouldn’t even let him have the rights to the entire wording. But it bodes kind of decent in that they got David Berenbaum to write. Berenbaum wrote both Elf and The Spiderwick Chronicles, which both were surprisingly terrific films. Oh, I know, bay at the moon about Elf you fucking ninnymuggins, but Spiderwick was really damn better than it should have been. So hopefully someone will be able to sit Beardo the Hutt down and talk him out of digitally inserting a yellow smiley face monster or making all the forest creatures wear monocles or I’m actually have a hard time fantasizing about anything Lucas could come up with more retarded that what he’s already done to cinema, so bravo for that.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Guy Ritchie Quits Lobo | Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus: The Future of Hollywood →









Comments

I remember when I was flipping channels & settled on Star Wars on TNT or something. They got to the cantina scene, & all of a sudden there's this CGI musical number. I went through several stages of shock, including the consideration that I was having a nightmare, before recalling that the original trilogy had been "enhanced" & re-released. It was a pretty harrowing couple of minutes, though.

Posted by: the new transported man at January 28, 2010 9:50 AM

Men and their little dick contests.

*eye roll*

Posted by: Cindy at January 28, 2010 9:59 AM

I'm kinda surprised Lucas still feels the need to impose his girth. Doesn't he feel that his Star Wars trilogies are the end-all and be-all of movie stardom? Does he even know other movies exist? Weird.

I think it can be safely assumed that anything he has his hand in will be shitastic. And on that note, I would like to check the Not Attending box on this Save-the-Date card. Thanks.

Hey...I loved Elf. It was funny and had some great lines and James Caan is in it.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2010 10:00 AM

Stop being such a hater Prisco.

Did you see how AWESOME that extended musical number by the Max Rebo band in the "re-relased" Return of the Jedi? It was freaking awesome! Great music, kick-ass CGI, craziness, zaniness, all that and a bag of chips. Let's be honest, it really made what was a listless Jabba's Palace spring to life.

That was using CGI techonology some 12-15 years old now. Just think of what he could with today's technology and an entire film!!

I can't wait.

And faries? Oh wow. That's so cool.

George Lucas, my friend, you still got it!!

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 28, 2010 10:02 AM

You leave this place for a couple of days and return and the whole place is turned upside down. So now we don’t like “Avatar?” I didn’t get the memo. I do believe Lucas has one more blockbuster left in him though.

Posted by: Orrin Hatch at January 28, 2010 10:21 AM

So now we don’t like “Avatar?” I didn’t get the memo.

Posted by: Orrin Hatch at January 28, 2010 10:21 AM

Ohhh, we never liked "Avatar". In fact, "we" were sick of Avatar back in August. There are a few who do like it, but they are in the minority and should be shunned and mocked appropriately.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 28, 2010 10:31 AM

I wonder what the youtube guy will say about this. My lovelies.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 28, 2010 10:31 AM

Hey! Elf had Peter Dinklage in it. Nuff said.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 28, 2010 10:32 AM

There are a few who do like it, but they are in the minority and should be shunned and mocked appropriately.

*takes a deep breath*

...mock mock mock mock mock mock mock mock mock mock die screaming in a fire mock mock mock...

...wait...where was I?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2010 10:38 AM

George Lucas+all CGI+musical+FAIREIS=end of existence as we know it.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2010 10:38 AM

Hands up out there, Pajibettes: Who would take the Lucas in the photo home and ravish him? I see yours up, Lwa'e', I know you like the older guys. Who else?

Just asking, 'cause Mrs. , just said he looks like me.

Posted by: , at January 28, 2010 10:45 AM

Is this the return of Two Truths and a Lie? Where's the two truths?

Posted by: alphawhiskey at January 28, 2010 10:52 AM

I love The Spiderwick Chronicles. So much that I own it. It's so damned cute.

Posted by: Julie at January 28, 2010 10:54 AM

Did you see how AWESOME that extended musical number by the Max Rebo band in the "re-relased" Return of the Jedi? It was freaking awesome! Great music, kick-ass CGI, craziness, zaniness, all that and a bag of chips. Let's be honest, it really made what was a listless Jabba's Palace spring to life.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 28, 2010 10:02 AM

Pardon me, while I perform two critical tasks... All right, Lapti Nek is now playing on my iPod and I have properly placed my Star Wars Soap Box.

Jedi. Motherfucking. Rocks. Are you kidding me, Lucas? You assbag fartsack shitforbrains traitor! You LYING fat ass! Are you so out of touch with reality as to think no one actually recalls, well, apparently, ANYTHING?

Well, I remembered, GEORGE. I REMEMBERED Lapti Nek and still do. It was silly and fun and gave Jabba's Palace the same kind of ambient feel of the Mos Eisley Cantina the first time we saw it!

I also remember, vividly, George, you cretinous pile of FAIL, that Jabba the Hutt absolutely ABHORS the Jedi. There's that whole exchange between his fat ass and Bib Fortuna about foolishly allowing a Jedi into the palace. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, OVER, George! First there's that LUDICROUS stupidity in ANH where Greedo apparently experiences a negligent discharge and now THIS? This... JEEZ... WHAT THE FUCK TO CALL THIS, GEORGE. This cinematic and musical freaking affront to the decency of all mankind? FUCK YOU, GEORGE. FUCK YOU and Jedi Rocks. And FUCK YOU for making THE FREAKING REAL FILMS a "special feature" on the DVDs you pile of shit. You can make movies again when you have a thousand eyes!

I remember Lapti Nek, George. I have it on my iPod, George. I have it from a copy of the extended soundtrack CDs I bought in 1995, long before you tainted EVERYTHING, George. Long before you had the opportunity to profit off my desperation to buy the soundtrack and I suffered no choice but to own freaking Jedi Rocks instead of Lapti Nek.

Quoth The Patton - Thanks to you, I have a big bag of rocksalt, Georgia the Hutt. I'm going to freaking salt your slug ass and watch you shrivel up.

Now, before I step down from my soapbox, this single fingered salute goes out to those of you Pajibans who might mock me for knowing the name of or owning the track Lapti Nek. Never let it be said that Lube doesn't shoot first!

[/soapbox]

On topic... we all know what happened the last time Georgia the Hutt ventured into the realm of fairies. Although, it did have the fun side effect of producing the insult "Butt Buckle" in my family.

Posted by: Lubeg at January 28, 2010 10:59 AM

Wow, Lubeg.

*gets up from his chair, slowly starts clapping.*

Bravo, my friend. Bravo.

*wipes tear*

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2010 11:04 AM

Did you see how AWESOME that extended musical number by the Max Rebo band in the "re-relased" Return of the Jedi?

Isn't it a little early to be drinking yourself into UTTER INSANITY?!

Posted by: figgy at January 28, 2010 11:49 AM

Dang, Lubeg. That was impressive.

Posted by: figgy at January 28, 2010 11:50 AM

This is not a new concept. Kiss Me Kate was actually 3D back in the day. And there's no way that Lucas is going to top that because Ann Miller died recently. Do you hear me, Lucas? THERE IS NO ANN MILLER. Or Tommy Rall. Or Howard Keel.Sigh.

Posted by: Samantha at January 28, 2010 12:10 PM

George Lucas, whose entire musical experience consists of John Williams crafting a soundtrack out of one theme song...

Prisco, I guess American Graffiti and Indiana Jones don't figure into your analogy, so you'll just forget those? Shame on you! For the record, there are 26 principal musical motifs in John Williams' six Star Wars movies. This does not include 19 minor motifs, and a dozen or so diagetic source music cues, like Lapti Nek and Cantina Band. Okay, go ahead and mock, I'll go back to polishing my lightsaber.

Posted by: Derwent Flametube at January 28, 2010 12:18 PM

Lubeg, you were just 5 minutes late for E.E. but I'm nominating you for next week's.

Posted by: banana at January 28, 2010 12:48 PM

Lubeg, I bow to your awesomeness...

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 28, 2010 12:59 PM

Thank you for the kind compliment, Banana. I just perused the glory of this week's E.E. and must admit, I don't think I would have cared to compete with the likes of D-Day's inspired Ford rant. Particularly given the similarity of our topics!

Hell, I'm not sure I want to compete with much of that hilarious Top-12 list. I'm still cleaning tea off my monitor after reading Esme's brilliant take on the MAXiPad.

Posted by: Lubeg at January 28, 2010 1:02 PM

Bash Lucas all you like, but lay off the John Williams snark please. One theme song? Ummm...no. Episodes IV through VI represent some of the most masterful scoring in film history, and there's a hell of a lot there than variations on a single theme.

Oh, and feel free to shun and mock me appropriately for enjoying Avatar.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 28, 2010 1:20 PM

More there, that is.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 28, 2010 1:26 PM

Must have hit pretty close to the mark to get me all riled up like that. Yes, I do take my Star Wars music seriously.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 28, 2010 1:27 PM

No matter how awful he becomes (already has become?) I will never be able to bring myself to feel negatively toward George Lucas.

You might ask why. Any sane person would after the release of the Star Wars Christmas Special.

And my answer is: George Michael's lightsaber video in Arrested Development. Couldn't have happened without Lucas (and that weird youtube kid). I defy anyone to find something Lucas-related that's SO bad it cancels out the awesomeness created by that scene.

Posted by: esme at January 28, 2010 1:59 PM

esme,

...refrigerator. Nuclear bomb. Nuff said.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at January 28, 2010 2:19 PM

"Ohhh, we never liked "Avatar". In fact, "we" were sick of Avatar back in August. There are a few who do like it, but they are in the minority and should be shunned and mocked appropriately."

So if Avatar was never 'meant' to be liked, why was the Pajiba review mostly positive?

Posted by: Oracle at January 28, 2010 2:54 PM

Hands up out there, Pajibettes: Who would take the Lucas in the photo home and ravish him?
Posted by: , at January 28, 2010 10:45 AM
----------------------------------------------------
I don't like the jawline made of hair. IT ISN'T THERE, GEORGE.

Posted by: Lauren at January 28, 2010 3:20 PM

So if Avatar was never 'meant' to be liked, why was the Pajiba review mostly positive?

Posted by: Oracle at January 28, 2010 2:54 PM

Outlier.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 28, 2010 3:27 PM

AHAHAHAHA!!! Lubeg, I second the nomination for next week's EE!!!! That was epic!!

Posted by: Jelinas at January 28, 2010 3:29 PM

Luberg -

That was a thing of beauty.

Posted by: luthien26 at January 28, 2010 3:45 PM

That pic of George Lucas sans dewlap took me back to a happier time. Thanks.

Posted by: laredo at January 28, 2010 5:04 PM

Hey, Lubeg, how YOU doin'? *winks*

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 28, 2010 5:10 PM

Lubeg >> I am well-versed in "Lapti Nek," so you need not fear my mockery of your knowledge of it. I will say this, though...

"Never let it be said that Lube doesn't shoot first!"

Clever quip and all, but Han didn't shoot "first." To say that implies that Greedo fired at all. He didn't.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 28, 2010 5:14 PM

Lubeg >> I am well-versed in "Lapti Nek," so you need not fear my mockery of your knowledge of it. I will say this, though...

"Never let it be said that Lube doesn't shoot first!"

Clever quip and all, but Han didn't shoot "first." To say that implies that Greedo fired at all. He didn't.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 28, 2010 5:14 PM

You are, of course, correct sir. I frequently also carry your banner supporting that argument and must confess that, in recent years, I have adopted the internet meme made popular by Mr. Kurtz out of pure convenience. I'm not sure why, I detest the man almost as much as I detest him who shall not be named, from the website which shall not be named, but can be easily discerned from "Faint, It's Crappy News!"

I must admit to my surprise that it seems my preemptive strike regarding Lapti Nek was unnecessary and I humbly apologize to any who were offended by it. I thought, certainly, someone would lambast me for such a kernel of knowledge.

Regardless, it is always rewarding to be in such pleasurable company on all counts!

Posted by: Lubeg at January 28, 2010 5:26 PM

You know, I've been reading this blog for more than a couple of years now. I haven't posted or replied more than a few times, but I always would check what Pajiba had to say before going to see a film.

But now? Now, I can't get to the site without dealing with annoying, full page fucking ads that are by MediaBreak, who says they know what "guys" want. Maybe that's why I'm so goddamned angry. If I hadn't been born with this superfluous vagina, it might be alright.

And this thread was the last straw. You drag me further into the site by promising the latest atrocious act by Lucas, and I have to wait for my browser to process a full page VIDEO ad for some piece of shit you people are going to dump all over anyway. Other sites that aren't *half* as good as this one (used to be) pay for their traffic using MUCH less intrusive methods.

I'm outta here. Bookmark deleted.

Posted by: angry browser at January 28, 2010 8:04 PM

What in the last fuckin' Mimzy is going on here?

Posted by: Leftylad at January 28, 2010 9:22 PM

Oh,I'll go see it. Lucas is a sexy daddy bear type. My weakness.

"Jedi Rocks" was the only thing I didn't like about the SEs. I'd rather have "The Imperial March" in IV and "Duel of the Fates" in VI.

"Lapti Nek"? Best 80's song ever.

Posted by: case at January 30, 2010 12:58 AM

Looking for wealthy men for relationship or marriage? Maybe you want to check out ====WealthySeeker.Com ====, which features certified millionaire and verified beautiful women.

Posted by: gloriakerry at January 30, 2010 7:02 AM

"fruiting up the darkest villain in hyperspace and turning him into a whiny robot tinkerer"

Hey now. Don't be a homophobe. Anikin's whining is childish, not "fruity."

Also, fuck you guys, Avatar was a load of fun, dumb dialogue notwithstanding. I had an Awegasm throughout that movie, and it didn't come close to the level of plot holes, cheesy acting, incoherent visuals, and laughable set pieces that bloated the Prequel Trilogy.

Posted by: frank at January 31, 2010 11:23 PM