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This! Is! Stupid!

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (16)



Thumbnail image for 300-movie-400a0309.jpg

A film about a video game in which the player controls real people sounds kind of dumb to start with, but might have some B-movie entertainment value. After reading an interview with the makers of the film (Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor) it is clear that assumption is hopelessly optimistic.

Via SciFi Wire: “We like to go to outer space sometimes, and when we’re in outer space, we bring lots of tequila, … we have fun.” I do not know what they are talking about. It’s almost like reading MadLibs. I’m open to the possibility that this was clever and funny in context and that the interview was just edited so that the quote doesn’t make sense, but then they declare that they don’t really play video games, and issue a short rant about how overly immersive and addictive video games can be. Oh that makes sense, 50 million gamers in the world, and the guys directing a film about video games are the ones who don’t actually play them, but they do remember that Fox News told them that Grand Theft Auto is a murder simulator. What? Was my grandma’s production slate full? (Note: it wasn’t. And my grandma bought me most of the video games I had as a teenager; it’s called hyperbole, let’s move on).

When asked if they thought the scenario depicted in the film might come about in the future, they insisted that it was possible, citing that this had already happened in porn. Right, because paying a webcam stripper $500 an hour so that you can IM her which nostril to shove the dildo into in real time is exactly the same thing as using mind control technology to make one guy shoot another guy in the head.

“The only thing holding this stuff back is ethics.” Who wants to break it to them that mind control technology doesn’t actually exist? And that even if it did, it would probably be illegal to use it to kill people? This is like saying that we shouldn’t have kitchen knives, because otherwise the only thing holding people back from filleting their children for dinner would be ethics. And really, who could resist?

Look, speculating about the dark side of technology is sci-fi bread and butter, but mindless nonsensical doom-mongering isn’t just lazy and stupid, it also commits the fatal sin of story-telling: it’s boring. Gerard Butler’s character is the number one avatar in Gamer and he’s killed 30 people in the game. According to my Xbox, I’ve killed 150 people in the two months I’ve played Fallout 3. In the world of Gamer, to support just a million players (a fraction of the World of Warcraft players out there), we’d need to have somewhere in the ballpark of 500 million prisoners dying every year. The horror of mind control is a rich vein of science fiction, and even the exploration of the role of video games in society can be a source of good stories, but constructing a fable premised on a societal sociopathy that makes Hitler look like a Smurf is simply not good storytelling.

Interviews with the director and writer are a great way for films that don’t at face value come across as original and interesting to persuade people that there is hidden depth. This film sounds so shitballs retarded at this point that the first screenings will turn audiences into actual zombies. If you must go to a theater the day this movie is released, please pack a shotgun and Woody Harrelson for your own safety.









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Comments

Awesome premise guys

Posted by: sailboat at August 17, 2009 8:09 PM

I shamefully admit to being somewhat intrigued by what appears to be a dance sequence featuring Michael C. Hall in the trailer and some commercials. It's Dexter! Dancing! Who wouldn't love that! But I'm not gonna sit through the whole movie for it, and that's for damn sure.

That's what Netflix is for.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at August 17, 2009 8:32 PM

Many intriguing points to ponder...

There's always a little more you can discover from a director interview before you go see the film. Like G.I. Joe, where my absolute lack of faith in the movie was somehow intensified by reading what Sommers had to say about making the film. He came off as someone who didn't want to be making that film and a drooling dipshit to boot. As they say, however; he must be pretty smart because his movies make a ton of money.

Now we have these telling morsels regarding the hiring of Dude and Bra to shake a camera for 90 minutes regardless of the fact that they don't give a shit about the subject of the movie. I'm sure they read an article or something.

Mindless doom-mongering is stupid, lazy, and boring, but it does keep a lot of people in luxury cars and nannies! And I do mean in nannies.

Last of all, though, let me just register my complete and utter surprise that this movie is a smeary piece of shit.

Posted by: laredo at August 17, 2009 8:48 PM

I've heard that when the avatar dies the gamer dies as well...true story? I don't know, someone told me that the other day. I didn't really buy it.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 17, 2009 8:50 PM

Only if the avatar is killed by Freddy.

Posted by: laredo at August 17, 2009 9:02 PM

ZZZZzzzzzzz...

I have about had enough of Gerard "Hunk" Butler. He's not really hunky enough to make his movies bearable.

Posted by: Jerce at August 17, 2009 9:02 PM

THIS!IS!SCRUMPTIOUS!

/Damn you Robot Chicken.

Posted by: Fredo at August 17, 2009 9:54 PM

Just make the Dream Park movie already! It would put an end to all the "real people in video games" mess.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 17, 2009 10:09 PM

Dream Park! Thanks for the reminder, Vermillion. I have an inordinate fondness for that book, but it's been ages since I read it. It's where I first learned about cargo cults. I wonder if I still have a copy somewhere...

As far as making it a movie, it doesn't really seem necessary. I always felt like I was watching a movie when I read it. (Yeah, I read it more than once... so?)

Posted by: ariadne at August 17, 2009 11:21 PM

Is he going to find power ups and health packs? Like a huge roast chicken that immediately fixes all of his broken bones?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 18, 2009 1:04 AM

This is like saying that we shouldn’t have kitchen knives, because otherwise the only thing holding people back from filleting their children for dinner would be ethics. And really, who could resist?

Would there be a Child-fil-A? Because cannibalistic child-munchers need fast food too, and they like sandwiches.

So I'm told.

Posted by: Lauren at August 18, 2009 3:11 AM

In the world of Gamer, to support just a million players (a fraction of the World of Warcraft players out there), we’d need to have somewhere in the ballpark of 500 million prisoners dying every year.

When your story is defeated by 5 seconds of elementary school math, you know you're in deep shit, and yes, I'm talking about you, Michael Bay. You can go join Michael Ausiello in sucking off that horse.

Posted by: George at August 18, 2009 4:53 AM

Posted by: twig at August 18, 2009 7:30 AM

30 kills and he's number one? I have like 2,600 kills in Battlefield: Bad Company. What's that make me? God?

Posted by: chenry at August 18, 2009 9:31 AM

I'm going to see this mainly because Michael C. Hall looks like he's having fun, and damnit if Dexter's having fun then why shouldn't I?

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at August 18, 2009 10:12 AM

Isn't this RUNNING MAN? It's RUNNING MAN right? It's a little different but, mostly it's the same damn thing.

Posted by: Alexis at August 18, 2009 1:56 PM