Fuel for Your Heart's Fire: All Sorts of Transformers 4 News
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Fuel for Your Heart's Fire: All Sorts of Transformers 4 News

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | December 18, 2012 | Comments ()


So much news hit yesterday regarding Transformers 4 that my indifference and cynicism are fighting each other for where to start not caring. First off, the big news of the day was that a supposed copy of the script has been leaked online in its entirety. Here's an excerpt from the plot summary:

"The script begins 4 years after DARK OF THE MOON, in the midst of yet another destructive meteor storm. The opening is very much like the other films, with a generic "crisis montage". All the major news networks are scrambling to cover the event, fearing that another alien attack is on its way.

Cut to a giant metal space ball, hurtling through the atmosphere, landing right beside Stonehenge. It creates a cylindrical portal and launches an unseen entity into another dimension. As you can imagine, this agitates pretty much everyone, and the Autobots assemble to figure out what the hell is going on.

Eventually we discover that this giant ball is actually a space ship, designed by an ancient Autobot known as Vector Prime. He's the guardian of Primus, the one being in the universe that can defeat the planet eating Transformer, and main villain, Unicron. So, Optimus and a handful of Autobots have a grand ol' time hanging out with Vector Prime, trying to locate Primus."

See, this is patently absurd, and I mean that literally. Michael Bay has a patent on the process of filming without a coherent script, so an alleged script that has events happen in an order and such is clearly not consistent with Bay's patented script process. I could comment on the plot summary, but my computer no longer supports scrawling "LIES" in my own blood across the Internet.

But see, this script fiasco could not pass without a comment from his Bayness:

"Some Internet sites this morning reported that some document recovery guy has found a legitimate 120 page script of Transformers 4. I can absolutely 100 percent say this is completely false. The only two people in the world that have our unfinished script are Kruger and myself. Also we are only up to page 70 in our T4 script. Maybe this guy has a cartoon or something else - but definitely not our movie!"

Which is totally repeating my argument by insisting that it can't be the real script because there are entirely too many words in it. At least he admits it, and that's the first step towards getting help.

Can we look to Transformers 4 headliner Mark Wahlberg to effectively undermine a decade of hard acting work separating himself from the once and future Marky Mark? Oh we can. Messr Mark described his hiring onto the franchise with this haunting wordplay: " "He [Bay] said to me, 'What do you think about doing a Transformers movie with me?' I said, 'Well, what do you want me to do?' He told me and I said, 'Absolutely!'" I'm just astonished that he didn't use the word "bro" three times in that soliloquy.

Going on to point out that this "will be the most challenging role that I've played" Marky Mark bludgeoned a bound and gagged George Clooney with a non-metaphorical baseball bat, crooning that Clooney knew what he was when casting him in Three Kings.

Wahlberg went on to reassure Steven Spielberg that this move was not about the money, which is a lie believed by the teller more often than any other besides "I love you."

Finishing his tour de force of wrecking any goodwill he might have built up over the years, Wahlberg argued:

"I said, 'Don't worry, guys, this is not me taking a paycheck and running with it. This is me trying to ... I liked what the guys did with, like, The Avengers, for instance. When I watched that movie I was not interested in seeing it at all, but it was entertaining for me as well as for my kids. I think they did a really good job, and we want to do something special with it, so I'm excited about it."

There you have it. Michael Bay: the Joss Whedon of idiots everywhere.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Utopian

    Not that I would ever compare The Avengers to Transformers (because I haven't seen any of the latter), but can we all just call a spade a spade and admit that the ending of Avengers was garbage? All that build up for a magical dues ex machina stick thingy that suddenly solves everything and WAS NEVER EVEN HINTED AT. Cabin in the Woods ending > > > > Avengers ending. Here come the down votes.

  • AngelenoEwok

    ...but...but...where's my boo? They can't make a bullshit robot movie without my sweet Shia!

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    This totally feels like an Onion article, but more delicious because it's true. A professor of mine once remarked "water seeks it's own level" and doesn't Marky Mark joining Transformers 4 just seem apropos? I can only hope he'll play a scientists. Now if Nic Cage could also be involved in some manner it would be the most magnificent train wreck, and I do so love a good train wreck.

  • Blake

    I think the Dems have just found their winning presidential ticket:

    Prime / Castro 2016!

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Unicron? Unicron!? I'm forced to assume that Bay's banisal hubris has grown to such magnitude that he's of the opinion that the only thing he can fit it into is a giant, planet eating, maw.

    Also, Wreck-Gar or gtfo.

  • David Sorenson

    Makes sense since both Michael Bay and the Junkions have the same theme song.

  • BlackRabbit

    "Offer expires while you wait. Operators are standing by."

  • VonnegutSlut

    I...whah? Who? Huh? Did Marky FUCKING Mark just attempt to draw a correlation between THE AVENGERS and Bay's TRANFORMERS fuckfest????

    I would like to formally lodge a complaint with the universe. I'm done...I'm...just...done.

  • Blake

    You're assuming everyone thought the Avengers was actually good.

  • Maguita NYC

    Lodge a complaint??? Are you CANADIAN?!

    This shit calls for revolt. What the mothufuck was Walberg smoking when comparing ANY Joss Whedon work to anything done by Michael fucking Bay, let alone Transformers!!

    That kind of dillusional high should be outlawed in all the land. Bath salts are one vicious mind-numbing drug.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Our complaints are very strongly worded, thank you!

    Sorry I shouted.

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